Death of a Legacy (Memories Wasted)
I am Kepler...this is what went through my mind all night last night and all day today. Though, for as long as that insufferable thought had haunted my mind, I only find that I lose more and more meaning to the statement. It just never made sense anymore, though throughout my whole life it seemed to crystal clear.
For hours I had pushed and hobbled myself across the empty hallways of home and research center, knocking over and destroying things with reckless abandon and without care. None of it seemed my own anymore, as if they belonged to some other stallion that I could no longer recall.
And as I walk into my trophy room, filled with a wide assortment of memorabilia cataloging my achievements, my despair only grew. One of them was the prestigious "Sword and Shield" trophy I had gained from a conference in Canterlot, presented by none other than Crescent Sparkle. I always admired him for his contributions to my fellow members of the Astronomers' Society, it was indeed an honor...at the time.
I gazed at my reflection in the shield, representing the wide expanse of knowledge my contributions gave to the world of science. In this case, it was my astronomical findings of various possible life giving planets out in the universe off our little world. Behind it was a sword somewhat fixed to it, representing how my knowledge cuts into the future of our nation and makes a brighter future for it.
However, my reflection was the only thing that had my full attention...and it only showed how much I was suffering. I had not slept well for two days sleep, resulting in bloodshot eyes and those damnable dark bags under them. Normally it would be hard to see such dark discoloration due to my coat, which was already a deep shade of blue...but they seem to find a way to cut into my appearance. My mane and tail, which I always kept simple because I could never be bothered to stylize anything, was greasy from lack of adequate hygiene and ruffled from neglect, all a tangled rat's nest of a stylist's worst nightmares. My wings were not doing so well either, days spent forgetting about preening resulted in some loose feathers staying caught.
It was painful to see what I have become...a stallion in his prime reduced to this. And how, one might ask, did it come to this? Well, it might come as a cliche and some would laugh...but yes, it is all because of a mare. A mare that had captivated me so much, that I would forsake the very stars that have piqued and harbored my interest and admiration, just to be with her. And once...I had thought that she had filled the same.
Just thinking about her gave a duelist's thrust of pain into my heart, and maybe even my very soul, before it gave rise a sudden fit of blinding rage. With a mighty roar and a hazy mind, one sweet, sweet moment of forgetfulness, I had reached for that award and threw hard at the wall on the opposite side of the room. The result of which broke the delicate bondage between the sword and shield, breaking them away from each other...and resulted in the sword next to me. I stared long and hard at that sword, seeing my pitiful eyes staring back at me. Only one thought came to my mind then:
"It's metal, it's sharp, it's easy to use...good enough…"
I didn't know what I was planning at the time, some unknown force just took over my physical form as my very soul gave up on its sorrowful shell. I had picked it up with my mouth and continued my mindless stroll through my estate. Thinking back, I don't even know why I had renovated such a large manor...possibly just for my research and buck all else.
Memories flashed through my mind then, very painful ones...of me...and her. I suppose I kept that as a mystery for far too long now? The mare that had caused this all? I think a little bit of me is still alive in this tired husk, trying some stupid attempt of being mysterious or something like that. Maybe to build some sort of suspense. Ain't that a laugh?
The mare that had took my heart and being for her own isn't an intellectual like me and my colleagues. Her eyes were not set for the stars, but rather the ground under her hooves. Well, to put more accurately, what that ground can grow. She was a simple mare, living simple dreams. And might I add, looks downright beautiful with a ponytail mane and that wild hat of hers.
If you haven't guessed it, the mare was Applejack of Ponyville, of where I am also living in...give or take on the outskirts of it. It's a small town, so meeting each other for the first time was a rather mundane string of meetings that eventually turned into a casual friendship upon multiple run-ins. But, it did grow from just casual run-ins and pleasantries, as one day I had asked her if I could set up a camp on her property, as her land had an advantageous viewpoint for me to use as I had planned on making a personal star chart for myself.
Wasn't I surprise how, not only did she agree to me setting up camp, but had also showed interest in partaking in the project herself. Or, well, just wanted to watch because she never seen many "brainy types" do this sort of thing, except for Twilight...but the two of them were always busy with something so Applejack could never satisfy her own curiosities of the matter. I had agreed as well, though a bit more reluctantly...I never worked well with others looking over me.
But the night had gone over well at first. I had my equipment set up; my personal telescope, a pencil, and both a stand and chart paper. I was only going to do a rough draft and make the actual one at home. But, the ending got a lot more interesting.
She had asked me why I was so interested in space, the stars, other worlds, and the like. What was the appeal to it all, when so much beauty was found on our world. The next thing I knew, I had forgotten about the star chart and just talked to her all night long about the beauty, majesty, and magic of space itself. And even taught her how to use the telescope to look at various celestial bodies, named them off to her, and what they meant.
It was a time of pure, unadulterated curiosity and intrigue...of learning and appreciating. It became even more magically to me, as further and further along we got less lost looking at the stars, and more lost looking within each other's eyes. I don't even know how it happened, it was like some primal force between us that we couldn't comprehend just took hold of us as we just stared at each other, still rife with the exhilaration of discovery and mystery.
And then, just as Celestia's blazing sun rose and Luna's tranquil moon slept, an event had happened I thought would have never happened. As the sun lit the world with its beautiful rays, my heart was set on fire as we shared one sweet, blissful kiss…
Remembering that first romantic encounter, something within me at snapped. Without any thought, rhyme, or reason, I had reared my head to the left and then snapped it to the right...stabbing myself in my wing with the sword in my mouth.
It stung, but not as harshly as that memory had. It dulled the pain, though it only tempered my empty mind. It didn't feel as bad as the careless cuts I had gained from glass or the occasional paper, nor like the stabs I receive from rough wood splinters or the occasional bite of the tongue.
Even as I pulled it out, the pain was forgetful...but no relief came from it either. More and more memories flooded my mind, and with each one of them, I had swapped the direction the sword was facing in my mouth and stabbed the wing it was facing...just mindlessly stabbing them over and over and over again...waiting for any feeling at all, any sort of sign that I had cared.
I had memories flashing before my eyes in rapid fire succession. As I kept walking, not only down hallways in a circle, but also up stairs and into other rooms, they just kept coming and coming, as well as the endless stabs.
Those times I had brought her with me as my plus one to the Grand Galloping Gala, thanks to my connections within the scientific community...five more stabs. All those times I treated her to not only local restaurants for dinner but also the ones in Canterlot, Las Pegasus, Applewood, Manehattan, and so on...twenty three more stabs. The other parties I brought her to...ten more stabs.
I didn't even feel any weariness or weakness, I didn't even noticed that I had dropped the sword as I cursed meaningless words...still thinking I was stabbing myself in my wings, at that point probably completely damaged beyond all repair.
I was at the top floor of my manor then...looking out my window and over the horizon, seeing both Ponyville and Canterlot itself framing the setting sun. All it ever reminded me...was that one day...that one, foul day three days ago. The day, that had caused me to be in such a miserable state.
It was our anniversary, we had been going out for a long time, many years in fact. Many years since that first time, underneath the stars on her farm...she had aged well, like the fine apple cider she brews, if not even better...and a lot sweeter. And me? Well, I was never much to brag, but if I was handsome enough to have her affections, then I suppose I was pretty damn good.
I was hoping that that confidence would keep me strong with what I wanted to go through. I knew I was a scientist with my head above the clouds, and she was a farmpony that liked her hooves on the ground...but every moment I spent with her were the best of my life. All my credentials, research, and appraisals were nothing compared to the sweet whispers we share with each other at night under the bed sheets. I wanted us to be together now, and forever...wholly and completely. And, at that time, I had believed that she had felt the same.
Being the stupid, stupid stallion that I was...I planned ahead. I had set up an observation camp at that same hill we had first kissed, even set it up exactly the way it was then. Though, the only addition was a picnic basket, filled with some apple cider I had a friend of mine brew for me...and a very special ring I had picked out at a jewelry store in Canterlot.
When I came upon the door to the family house, I had knocked. Usually Applejack always opens the door, and I was sure I wasn't bothering anypony since the sun hadn't set yet. I hadn't seen her around the orchids or the farm, so I had assumed that she was in the house.
To my surprise, Applebloom that had opened the door. She knew of me and shared interest in my researches as well...I can't recount how many times I had to clean up and repair my lab because she and her overzealous, let's say, friends came over wanting to get cutie marks in astronomy and just wreck everything. I was all up for expanding curious minds, especially young ones, but they set a lot of my work back by being around.
I had asked the little filly where her older sister was, and just pointed to the barn. She had mentioned that Applejack usually locks up the barn around this hour, also made sure that all the animals they kept in there were well fed and everything was cleaned up. It was usually Big Mac's turn that day to restack the hay, but Applejack had volunteered to do it and for some reason held off until now to do so.
Not thinking much of it myself, I had thanked the little filly for the directions and wished her good night...to which she replied asking in innocent curiosity if I was free next week for her and her friends to try more sciency cutie marks. Much to my regret I had said I was free, but I suppose I should have gotten use to their antics.
I had went straight to the barn, thinking naively that she was indeed just restacking hay and was about to lock up for the night. I was gonna wait for her outside the barn door, but I had heard strange noises from inside. I rather not go into detail about the nature of said noises, it pains me enough to just recall it...even in my numb state of mind. But upon looking through a window, the source of said noises was made clear. Most of the scene was obscured from my sight, but what I had seen was permanently chiseled into the forefront of my mind, forever scarring my soul.
It was her alright...I could see her above the hay. Her face contorted in wanton lust and carnal pleasure. And all I could see of the stallion that was with her, was shaggy, unkempt dark mane and that...that...awful, forsaken hat of his. Some sort of stupid piece of garbage of what I hear is called a "fedora"...grey with a black strap above the brim. If I had the nerve then that I do know, I probably would of torn that awful piece of creation right then and there, which would promptly be followed by me tearing that bastard a new one.
But, I didn't...so, there I was. Tired, numb, injured, and completely miserable. Even now as I write these words I am barely phased by anything...even by my wings that I had stabbed with wild carelessness. Luckily wings don't carry much blood vessels, so I have no chance of bleed out, but I am feeling a bit woozy, now that several hours have passed and the night had started.
I cannot bare this wretched state anymore. The stars do not mean to me now, what they had meant to me then. My life in this big house with its expansive halls and now useless research equipment is barren of joy. The pain has become too great, and the pay off so little. My only regret is that I never had bought an actual journal to use, and therefore I am using my research note-scroll set to write these words.
Though I know many will miss me, and much of work is incomplete...I know, with confidence, that in time they will get over my absence, and someone out there will complete my work for me. I no longer care for this life.
So, to all who may read this...I bid you all, farewell and good luck in your endeavors. May you be stronger than I…
Ten minutes had passed since Kepler had wrote those last words...those only words the world will ever see from him this day onward. He was at the roof of his manor estate, looking over the horizon he had saw before with that painful memory still fresh in his mind.
He was a broken stallion now, a shell of the figure he once was. He had a legacy blazing gloriously behind him, and he certainly had a much brighter future ahead of him. But he did not care, those images were all grey to him...life, not as vibrant as it once was. The stars that were out now were duller than they use to be, the dark purple the grass had became at this hour even darker. Everything was just dull and bleak to his tired eyes, his frazzled mind unable to comprehend anything anymore, nor did his psyche care to sort through the images.
A kind and gentle wind nuzzled his neck, cheek, and mane...but he was unphased. It did not matter, though it did bring back the stinging sensation from his injured wings which did cause him to wince. Well, at least now he could feel again...he had proof that he was alive and not in a dream of some sort. Good, it would only mean that this act will be real, and it will be over. One more spark of pain, for an eternity of peace and calm.
Closing his eyes, he had balanced himself on his two hind legs and turned around. Taking in a deep breath, he had leaned backwards and just let gravity take care of the rest. It was funny, as he fell, the wind continued to blow. Through from the rate he was falling, the wind sounded more high pitched...more energetic. It was almost as if it was singing to him as he plummeted to his eternal rest.
Time almost seemed to have stood still as he opened his eyes and looked at the night sky. As he resigned to his fate, he could have sworn that the stars had, once again, looked as bright as that one, special night. They had cut so sharply against the darkness of the night sky with their awesome shine. Their mystery and appeal had once again invaded into his weary mind.
A calm, accepting smile had came upon the dying stallion's face as he was only inches from the ground. Before the shattering impact, only one thought and feeling remained in his mind:
"This is what and who I am...wasted memories...gone like the wind. Only death to be my legacy, as all my grief from love has ended. The darkness may come...but at least I have made peace... I was Kepler."