Jade - DA- The Man in the Mirror
Title: The Man in the Mirror
Author: Jade
Rating: PG-13 for Language Show: DA
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Just Alec all on his lone some, and that's more than enough for me! :D
Type: Standalone Summary: Alec's had enough
Author's Notes: This is my first try at fan fiction. I was listening to Fade Away by 12 Stones and all of a sudden I found myself typing the following. I hope it all makes sense. At the time it did to me but now I'm not so sure. : /
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------
There's so much shit a guy can take. Being a genetically empowered guy means I have the capacity to take even more than that. Yay! Well genetically empowered or not I've had it! Time to move on. Time to start again. Time to live: in peace.
I know I'm no angel. I've made mistakes, a whole bunch of them. Whatever I do I can't change the past. I can't change the things I've done. I can't help who I was and who I still am. I'm Manticore. Pure Manticore. I was one of the best of Manticore, maybe THE best. That's not me being arrogant. It's the truth. I did what I was told in the blink of an eye. No questions asked, just accepting the order and carrying it out. Pure and simple. Went to bed every night knowing I was gonna be going to bed in the same cell the next night, and the next, and the next. It was all I knew. All I could comprehend. All I was made to accept. When you don't know any different it's not very hard to accept things as they are. It's not like I or any one of us had had any choice in the matter. It was just the way things were. If you wanted to live you did what you had to do, what you were trained to do all your life. Cos that's what we were, soldiers. And we were the best.
Then I met Rachel and things were never the same again.
Sometimes I think that maybe if I had never met her things would have turned out so much different. I wouldn't be where I am today, or even who I was today. I'd probably still be in Manticore carrying out my missions living the life of a perfect little soldier. I know that idea should make me tremble but deep inside it's kinda comforting. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe I really am mad, just like my 'brother'. The brother I never knew. The brother whose bare existence made me go through Pys Ops not once but twice. Oh and the joys of re-induction(!)
After Rachel there wasn't anything but Rachel. She was there, in my heart, in my soul. Always there. She was my first in every sense of the word. The first person I actually cared about. The first person I loved. The first person who loved me. The first person I killed. I know that sounds strange but she was. All the other people I just thought as missions. Just targets whose lives I terminated. But Rachel . I killed. And was killed. She killed 494. She killed the perfect soldier. She killed 494. What was left is the man whose reflection I see in the mirror every morning. The pathetic man who is so broken with the guilt of all the things he's done and was made to do. The worthless man who has to drink every night just so that he can go to sleep without worrying about seeing the faces of all those people he hurt, he terminated, he killed.
But lately the man in the mirror has been changing. The man is becoming someone who was trying to do something useful, someone who wanted to be useful but was never given a chance. Max. Whatever I do she throws back in my face. She seems to get some kind of sick pleasure out of making my life hell. I know she had every right when I screwed up her chances of getting the cure. I paid the money back to her as soon as I could. I know that doesn't make things ok but what else can I do? It was her choice to let the cure go. Her choice not to let me die. And it was my choice to stay. To stay and try to make up for what I'd cost her. I tried. In the name of everything I honour I tried, so hard. It was never enough. She doesn't want me around. She doesn't need me. She doesn't believe that I'm sorry. That I'm willing to do all it takes to help her. I'm no phoenix rising from the ashes of the old one. I'm still just . me. But me with a difference. Me who wants to change. Me who wants to be at ease with the man he sees when he sees his reflection in the mirror. I realised I can't do that here. Not with Max around. Not when everytime she looks at me she sees everything she hates. Not when she sees me as a screw up.
So now it's my choice to leave. My decision.
Title: The Man in the Mirror
Author: Jade
Rating: PG-13 for Language Show: DA
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Just Alec all on his lone some, and that's more than enough for me! :D
Type: Standalone Summary: Alec's had enough
Author's Notes: This is my first try at fan fiction. I was listening to Fade Away by 12 Stones and all of a sudden I found myself typing the following. I hope it all makes sense. At the time it did to me but now I'm not so sure. : /
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------
There's so much shit a guy can take. Being a genetically empowered guy means I have the capacity to take even more than that. Yay! Well genetically empowered or not I've had it! Time to move on. Time to start again. Time to live: in peace.
I know I'm no angel. I've made mistakes, a whole bunch of them. Whatever I do I can't change the past. I can't change the things I've done. I can't help who I was and who I still am. I'm Manticore. Pure Manticore. I was one of the best of Manticore, maybe THE best. That's not me being arrogant. It's the truth. I did what I was told in the blink of an eye. No questions asked, just accepting the order and carrying it out. Pure and simple. Went to bed every night knowing I was gonna be going to bed in the same cell the next night, and the next, and the next. It was all I knew. All I could comprehend. All I was made to accept. When you don't know any different it's not very hard to accept things as they are. It's not like I or any one of us had had any choice in the matter. It was just the way things were. If you wanted to live you did what you had to do, what you were trained to do all your life. Cos that's what we were, soldiers. And we were the best.
Then I met Rachel and things were never the same again.
Sometimes I think that maybe if I had never met her things would have turned out so much different. I wouldn't be where I am today, or even who I was today. I'd probably still be in Manticore carrying out my missions living the life of a perfect little soldier. I know that idea should make me tremble but deep inside it's kinda comforting. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe I really am mad, just like my 'brother'. The brother I never knew. The brother whose bare existence made me go through Pys Ops not once but twice. Oh and the joys of re-induction(!)
After Rachel there wasn't anything but Rachel. She was there, in my heart, in my soul. Always there. She was my first in every sense of the word. The first person I actually cared about. The first person I loved. The first person who loved me. The first person I killed. I know that sounds strange but she was. All the other people I just thought as missions. Just targets whose lives I terminated. But Rachel . I killed. And was killed. She killed 494. She killed the perfect soldier. She killed 494. What was left is the man whose reflection I see in the mirror every morning. The pathetic man who is so broken with the guilt of all the things he's done and was made to do. The worthless man who has to drink every night just so that he can go to sleep without worrying about seeing the faces of all those people he hurt, he terminated, he killed.
But lately the man in the mirror has been changing. The man is becoming someone who was trying to do something useful, someone who wanted to be useful but was never given a chance. Max. Whatever I do she throws back in my face. She seems to get some kind of sick pleasure out of making my life hell. I know she had every right when I screwed up her chances of getting the cure. I paid the money back to her as soon as I could. I know that doesn't make things ok but what else can I do? It was her choice to let the cure go. Her choice not to let me die. And it was my choice to stay. To stay and try to make up for what I'd cost her. I tried. In the name of everything I honour I tried, so hard. It was never enough. She doesn't want me around. She doesn't need me. She doesn't believe that I'm sorry. That I'm willing to do all it takes to help her. I'm no phoenix rising from the ashes of the old one. I'm still just . me. But me with a difference. Me who wants to change. Me who wants to be at ease with the man he sees when he sees his reflection in the mirror. I realised I can't do that here. Not with Max around. Not when everytime she looks at me she sees everything she hates. Not when she sees me as a screw up.
So now it's my choice to leave. My decision.