Disclaimer: I don't own Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

Olympus

Zeus, Poseidon, Hera, Athena and Hermes had gathered on Olympus because Zeus had a few important announcements to make.

"The first thing is, I am officially changing my name to Juice," Zeus said.

"Why juice?" Poseidon asked.

"Well, you see, some people call me Jupiter, and others call me Zeus, so I can fuse them to make Zupiter, which sounds like Zoopiter and is pretty stupid. So I've decided to stick with Jeus, or Juice, as it is pronounced," Zeus said.

"You called us here to tell us that?" Poseidon asked. "Please, God of War 3 is coming out and I want to get it as soon as possible."

"No, the thing is that my lightning bolt has been stolen. After analyzing the facts, I have come to the conclusion that it was stolen by a Son of Hermes, and was subsequently taken from him by Ares, both of whom are being manipulated by my father, Kronos, who wishes to rise from Tartarus and destroy us."

"That's the most illogical thing ever. That can't be true," Athena said.

"Perhaps you're right. Well, I know for sure that I haven't left in the vending machine again,"

"And it's not in my bathroom," Poseidon admitted.

"Why would it be in your bathroom?" Zeus asked.

"Well, the thing is, bro, I sometimes use your lightning bolt to unclog my toilet," Poseidon admitted.

"WHAT! I WILL CAST YOU INTO TARTARUS! I AM JUICE, LORD OF THE HEAVENS! FEAR ME, FOR I ALONE HAVE THE POWER TO SPEAK WITH CAPS LOCK ON!" Juice/Zeus screamed.

"Shouldn't you be trying to find the thief?" Hera pointed out. "After all, he has the most powerful weapon in the universe."

"No," Zeus said. "He forgot to take the batteries." He held up two pencil AA batteries in his hand.

"The most powerful weapon in the universe works on batteries? What did you use when they weren't invented?" Hermes asked, but as usual, everyone ignored him.

"Yes, but they could just buy a pair of batteries," Hera said. "I think that we should blame Poseidon for this."

"Why me?" Poseidon asked.

"Because it's written in the manual right here, "In case of unsolvable emergency, blame Poseidon and/or his children," Hera said holding up a book that said 'Manual' on the cover.

"True. I give you time till the Winter Solstice to return the bolt," Zeus said.

"Why?" Poseidon asked.

"Because I also use it to scratch my back, and my itching ointment will have run out by then," Zeus replied.

Meanwhile, in the Underworld,

Hades was frustrated and was ranting before Persephone.

"I can't believe my helmet is gone!" He shouted. "How do I ride my scooter or bicycle without my safety helmet? Or play Wii sports?"

"What does a helmet have to do with Wii sports?" Persephone asked.

"I don't know, but one must take care of safety. It says here in the manual that we should blame Poseidon for these kinds of events, so that's what I'll do," Hades said with resolve.

A few months later, in Percy's life.

Percy Jackson was a prodigy. He managed to come last in every race, score bottom marks on every single test that he got, and managed to cause accidents that cause everyone severe trauma.

But today, when he went home, he saw someone waiting for him. (It was Poseidon disguised as a man.)

"Who are you?" Percy asked.

"I have a white beard and I came into your house without using the door. Who could I be?" Poseidon asked.

"You're Santa Claus!" Percy gasped.

"Yes! I mean no, I am your father," Poseidon said.

"My father is Santa Claus? But how come I don't get any presents for Christmas?" Percy asked.

"I'm not Santa. The thing is, there's the quarrel on Olympus, and the manual says that I should go put the entire problem onto the shoulders of my unsuspecting and rather powerless children. So, Percy, you must realize that everything is about to change. I was supposed to tell you this two months ago, but I was too busy playing God of War 3 to bother until now."

"Don't you die in that game?" Percy asked.

"No, I'm Santa Claus, remember?" Poseidon said.

"This is confusing. I don't get anything," Percy said.

"God, you're stupid boy. Just like your father," Poseidon said.

"But I thought you were my father," Percy said.

"I thought you said that your father was Santa Claus!" Poseidon shouted. "You need to start being consistent. Anyway, that's all the time I'm going to waste talking to you. Chow."

To be continued….

In the next chapter.