I'll never forget the look in your eyes.
Yea, people call them the window to the soul and... well, I had not seen anyone's 'soul' yet, not in all the years of my life...
I saw blankness. I saw anger. I saw disappointment. I saw lust. I saw sorrow.
If that was the soul, then I didn't care to see it. And I would never understand why any god would want to save it - it is as hollow as the words I've spent forever speaking...
...That's what I thought before I saw the look in your eyes.
No, not when we kissed the first time. But damn, you were so sweet that night - tender in ways I didn't expect and raw in ways I couldn't imagine.
And no, not when we slept together the first time. You were unabashedly pure, though - when you grinned, you meant it... and when you came, it was only for me.
Not when I held you and not when we joked and not when you let me cry on your shoulder, none of those moments fit the bill... even if I adore them all, even if it was those moments that made me fall in love with you...
It was when I was breaking you that I finally saw the soul - a beautiful white light, fluttering like a bird's wing in the night, better than the sunshine...
...and I watched, wickedly and wistfully, as I snuffed it out.
/ / /
A few things had to be put in order - first, the money.
She gave so much of it away. A lot of bars got it, tabs and tips and rounds bought. A lot of dealerships got it, four-door and two-door and no doors at all. A lot of shops and a lot of boutiques, a lot of spas and a lot of hotels, a lot of fairweather friends and a lot of gold diggers and a lot of well-dressed dealers...
She gave away so much money. Now, it is all signed over to Kyla, who does sensible things like open bank accounts and save pennies and things that Ashley cannot be trusted to do.
Second, the lifestyle.
She's been wearing it for so long - band shirt and a sneer, short skirt and a teasing wave. She's been living it for so long - drunk before noon and never asleep before two in the morning. She's been that cliche - little girl lost and so she destroys the world beneath her feet... shattering hearts and taking no names... killing before she could get killed...
She's been that way for so long. Now, stripped down and in front of the mirror, no labels to define her and no accessories to hide her - now, Ashley must look at herself.
She made a record, scratchy lyrics and somber guitar, filled up with dead-dad longings and the demise of once-in-a-lifetime love - it sold exactly one hundred copies.
And one shipped to Ohio.
That's when Ashley finally woke up.
/ / /
Of course, that night haunts her. Because actual people died - bullets lodged in their bones - but not all casualties were tangible, not all passings were physical.
Ashley did her murdering the slow way, over days and days, over minutes and over hours. She did it with barely-there lies. She did it with mixed up emotions. She did it so fucking easily, finger on the trigger...
...and bang. Bang. Bang. She damn well shot her baby down.
And in her dreams, she rewrites that night. And Clay lives. And so does everyone else. And if those guns have to go off, this time, Ashley reaches out and pulls Spencer Carlin close.
This time, Ashley carries them both to the ground and she holds on tight and she says everything by saying nothing at all.
This time, Ashley reveals her own soul.
Of course, that's just a dream.
/ / /
The reality is this: Ashley took off and she came back a little too late and Aiden wanted her still, but she wanted that which she left behind - blue dress and blonde hair, a face so pretty before the weeping.
The reality is this: Ashley took off and she came back a little too late and the Carlin family was gone - back to Ohio, back to somewhere safe from violence and from pain and from girls who only know how to wreck fine things.
The reality is this: Ashley took off and she came back a little too late. And it all fell apart, slipped past her without a glance, leaving her ripe for an epic let-down.
And so, she began the race to rock bottom.
/ / /
"Good luck."
"Thanks. I think I'll need it."
"A lot of it."
"Yea... a lot of it..."
"But it's worth it, right?"
"Completely worth it."
Kyla packs the carry-on bag with magazines and gum and music. Kyla hugs Ashley fiercely and tells her to be strong. Kyla yells from the doorway to 'bring her back or don't come back!'
And Ohio isn't that far away, two or three hours, maybe one layover. And Ohio isn't in another country, isn't a land full of mystery. And Ohio isn't her idea of a place to be, but if Spencer is there - then it is where she is meant to be, too.
Like a map, she plots it all out. Where to turn and what signs to look for - interstate if Spencer doesn't totally hate her, backroads if Spencer slams the door in her face - and she remembers to prepare for the unknown, like any good traveler... A storm and high winds, Paula's stern face... or construction and busted pavement, sandy-haired roadblocks called Glen...
And Ohio isn't all woods and fields. And Ohio isn't all beauty salons and diners. And Ohio isn't anything that Ashley thought it would be, but it is all things she wants it to be.
Smiling faces where L.A. holds disinterest and helpful voices where L.A. holds disdain, Ohio welcomes Ashley with open arms.
And, hopes and wishes and dreams willing, Spencer will do that same.
If not at first, soon... if not now, some day...
/ / /
How do you repair the damage? How do you connect the wires you tore out? How do you erase the memory and start clean? How do you rebuild what you kicked down?
There's a shoe commercial out there that says it all anyway.
"...Ashley?"
"Uh, yea, it's me. Obviously."
"What are you doing here? It's been... well, it's been years..."
"I know it is a little late, but I'd like to talk with you... if you've got the time?"
"A little late is five minutes, not five years, Ashley."
"My watch broke. And I fucked up."
How do you raise the dead? How do you heal the afflicted? How do you stitch up the heart? How do you bring a soul back to life?
You just do it.
And Ashley allows the map to flutter to the ground when Spencer opens the door and lets her in.
/ / / / / /
END