My Life Would Suck Without You Chapter 1, a pitch perfect fanfic

A/N: This is my contribution to Smut Sunday. Ok, so it's not exactly Jeca, BUT I don't think it will disappoint. If all goes well and this story is well received, I'll continue on with it for a few more chapters as I have tons of ideas. This chapter only touches on a few of them.

Raven12:A special THANK YOU to you for throwing down this Smut Challenge. I've been sitting on this story for a while now and without the challenge this story might never have gotten published. I hope it was worth the wait and that you like it.

waatp: A very, very special THANK YOU to you for bouncing ideas around with me. Your suggestions have made this story what it is and I couldn't be happier with the end result. You are amazing!

WARNING: This story will cause extreme fits of laughter...at least I hope it will. I laughed almost constantly while writing it. Please be sure to use the restroom prior to reading as I cannot be held responsible for pee stained clothes, blankets or furniture. HAPPY READING!

Bumper and Amy were always considered the "wild ones" in their circle of friends. Someway, somehow they even managed to do things that made Stacie blush and that wasn't the easiest thing to do, considering Stacie's "hunter" was always on the prowl for its next victim. Everyone knew that absolutely nothing was off limits with her. And apparently nothing was off limits with Bumper and Amy either.

Everyone knew everything they did; every wild position and toy they tried, whether they wanted to know or not. They called their exploits the "bumpin' uglies" which thoroughly grossed Beca out to the point of her wishing she could scrub the visions out of her brain with bleach and a brillo pad, but Bumper and Amy didn't care. They actually thought it was funny and continued to share everything, detail for detail; the good, the bad, the ugly...EVERYTHING!

One evening Bumper sat around waiting for Amy to get home from work. Upon her arrival they were going to begin their long awaited anniversary celebration. They had been together for six years and after a short stint in Los Angeles, Bumper traded in his aviators, collarless leather jacket and earring to move back to Georgia. He desperately missed Amy and decided that LA could wait while she finished out her years at Barden. They agreed that after graduation, they would move to LA and get a place together; this was that place; their safe haven, their home, their love nest, or as Beca called it; the House of Horrors.

When Bumper called Amy to find out when she would be home, he wasn't crazy to hear that she was planning to make a stop on her way home from her job as a Production Assistant for The Food Network. He was ready to "get this party started" and even tried singing "Bow Chicka Wow Wow" to her over the phone and while it elicited a much deserved belly laugh, she insisted that she had a surprise for him, and that she would be home as soon as she could. Thinking he knew Amy and taking into account that he was hungry, he thought she was going to get pizza and chocolate cake, so while she ran her errand, he started setting the mood by dimming the lights, lighting candles and playing soft music.

When Amy arrived home, she walked in to the perfect scene. As soon as she opened the door Bumper keyed up the music and the Bee Gee's "How Deep Is Your Love" started playing from their "special Pandora love mix channel". And, of course, being his silly self, he started dancing and gyrating around the living room, only stopping at the bar to pour her a glass of her favorite Moscato. She smiled as she looked around, appreciating all he had done and knowing her pound cake made sure everything was just right. What he didn't know was that she had a trick or two up her sleeve to contribute to their evening. After greeting her warmly with a kiss, he handed her a glass of wine. Amy took the glass but gave him "the look".

"I promise, it's not Boone's Farm." he said then took her by her empty hand, pulled her close and began dancing around the living room again.

When Otis Redding's "These Arms of Mine" started playing, Bumper put their wine glasses on the coffee table, pulled Amy in close and continued to dance with her, snaking a hand around her back and linking their fingers. He loved holding her close. Sure he'd been an ass when they first met, but he finally allowed himself to really get to know her and, without any warning, he fell madly, deeply in love with her. She was pretty special when you got used to her. She cured him of his philandering ways and even managed to tame his crazy side, if only a little bit.

"Bump..." she said completely enjoying the kisses he was planting along her chin and neck.

"Mmmm..." he hummed against her skin.

"I'm gonna have to excuse myself to freshen up the downtown."

He looked at her and pouted. "Nooo!"

"I promised you a surprise. I have to go and get it sweetie." she said gently kissing his lips.

"Ok, but only if you promise to hurry."

"I promise. I'll be right back."

Amy hurried off to their bedroom, closing and locking the door behind her. No way was Bumper going to sneak a peek before she was ready. She quickly fixed her hair into one of her signature poofy ponytails, placed tight at the base of her neck. Using bobby pins, she secured a little hat to her head then changed into fishnet stockings and the sexy blue outfit she purchased on her way home. Admiring herself in the mirror and making a few minor adjustments, she slipped on a pair of stiletto's, took one more look at herself in the full length mirror and grabbed her phone. She quickly selected the song and waited for Britney Spears to start singing before she walked back out to the living room.

Bumper looked up to see Amy dressed in a sexy flight attendant uniform like the one Britney Spears wore in the "Toxic" music video. He wondered how many times she had watched the video because she had the dance moves down pat.

"Baby, can't you see
I'm calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It's dangerous
I'm fallin'"

Amy danced her way across the room and started dancing right in front of Bumper. He reached up and placed his hands on her hips as she continued to gyrate. She was singing the words to the song, word for word. He loved her attention to detail and this little bit of role play.

"There's no escape
I can't wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You're dangerous
I'm lovin' it

Too high
Can't come down
Losing my head
Spinning 'round and 'round
Do you feel me now"

Amy pushed Bumper down onto the couch then straddled his lap and began to slowly unbutton his dress shirt. When he tried to remove what she was wearing, she scolded him gently and told him that if he continued she would be forced to punish him.

"Well, you're gonna have to punish me then," he said, "because I'm not gonna stop." Amy continued singing.

"With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxic"

The truth was that she had no intention of punishing him but she had purchased something she intended to use that night. She got off his lap and sauntered sexily across the room. She took something out of a box and when she turned back around, Bumper was standing in the middle of the room, wearing only a pair of bright red elephant speedos as well as the spiked leather dog collar and wristlets she bought him for his birthday. She giggled at the sight. This was the man of her dreams, and even through all the silliness, he made her heart race standing in front of her wearing nothing but a silly elephant speedo and a smile.

Pointing his phone toward the sound system, he changed the song again. This time Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" started to belt out through the speakers. Amy put the item between her teeth and started walking back toward Bumper. When he realized what she purchased he got excited, so excited in fact that the elephant's trunk on his speedo was now happily standing at attention. Amy's eyes got big.

"Impressive...huh?"

"Ummm...ahhhh..."

Amy backed him up until he was sitting on the couch. When she kneeled down in front of him and removed the speedo, it was obvious that Bumper liked this...a lot! The coolness of the ring on his warm skin startled him as she started placing the penis ring around his cock and balls.

"Now what?" he asked.

She winked at Bumper and said, "Just 'cause we graduated a few years ago, doesn't mean we can't still get off performing our oral magic."

She flicked her tongue out, eliciting a loud moan from Bumper as the tip of him disappeared inside her mouth. She inhaled deeply, pulling on him hard and his eyes began to roll into the back of his head. After several minutes, Bumper tried pulling her up toward him; he wanted to kiss her badly. "No mouth to mouth." she pointed her finger and scolded him. "I'm gonna blow yer pitch pipe ... with teeth." She said before taking his length into her mouth again, scraping her teeth gently along his shaft.

He put his hands on the back of her head and guided her slowly until he was buried deep inside her throat. He loved the few times he got to see her in her official Bella's flight attendant uniform and now here she was kneeling in front of him in the sexiest flight attendant uniform he had seen her in. Even though they were in their living room, he wondered if this meant that he was an official member of the mile high club.

She hummed along with Boys II Men "I'll Make Love To You" sending Bumper into an orbit that he never knew existed. He wasn't sure if it was the ring, the humming or a combination of the two but whatever it was it was amazing and he didn't want her to stop but he also didn't want that to be all that happened that night. As he hit his climax, he yelled, "Amy, kick me in the balls!" as he released his seed into her mouth with a loud, "Oomph!"

Amy pulled on his head one last time as he rode out his high before she jumped up, one hand over her mouth and one searching for something, anything. Her eyes landed on a water glass and she brought it to her mouth, expelling the contents into the glass. Setting the glass down and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she said, "Sorry babe, I had to pump and dump… I've reached my protein limit for the day! This girl doesn't swallow!"

Bumper laughed and pulled Amy into his lap, taking control of her mouth with his own. He was eager to find out what the rest of the evening held for them and that included getting that flight attendant outfit off of her. Things escalated unbelievably fast and they stumbled to the bedroom, teeth nipping at lips and tongues rolling around in each others mouths as they burst through the bedroom door. While Bumper hadn't succeeded in getting Amy out of her flight attendant uniform yet, he had managed, with the aid of his new penis ring, to maintain his erection at lot longer than he normally would.

"Whatcha say we get you out of that get-up?" Bumper said wagging his eyebrows at her. With that her mock airline clothes became flight objects and the party was officially in full swing. Their wrought iron bed was in for a treat and the work out of a lifetime. "I'm gonna pound that junk in your trunk." Bumper told her as her smacked her ass. "Hop up there and prepare for one hell of a ride!"

"What if I wanted to take a ride on you pogo stick?"

"Look at Mr. Happy… he's been standing at attention for a while." Bumper winked. "I think it's safe to say that we'll be taking more than one ride on the happy train tonight."

When they climbed into bed Bumper told Amy to get on all fours as he wrapped a hand around his erection and lined himself up. Amy took hold of the wrought iron rails with both hands and hissed through her teeth as he thrust himself deeply inside her. She loved it when he took control but Bumper was getting carried away and not looking at what he was doing as his overzealous thrusts and pounding into Amy had caused her head to slip through the rails. In truth, Amy was having too good a time to notice either so they didn't stop or pause the festivities a minute as they continued at it like a couple of drunken monkeys as Amy yelled, "ride like the wind Bullseye!" When they were both pretty well spent, Amy tried to pull her head back through the rails so she could lie down, but very quickly realized she was stuck like Chuck.

"Bump... babe, I'm stuck." she said poking Bumper, who had already rolled off and gone to sleep.

"Huh?"

"I'm stuck you egotistical, big headed, garbage dirtball."

"Stuck where?" he said rolling over again. Snoring and farting soon ensued.

"IN. THE. BED." Amy squawked covering her nose. "By the way, keep the gaseous fumes clouding your anus to yourself!"

"Shut up. Quit being lazy."

Now Amy was pissed, She reached over and with each word she spoke she poked him in the eye...hard. "I. Am. Not. Being. Lazy. I. Am. Stuck. Now get up!"

"Alright. Alright." He said wiping his eyes then looking at Amy. "Oh shit! You really are stuck."

"Get up and help me you ass!"

Bumper got out of bed and promptly grabbed Amy's ankles and yanked, sending her face first into the bed frame. The flying obscenities could be heard for miles. Bumper continued to pull, tug and yank Amy's ankles until she promised to yank his junk off and feed it to him if he continued. He tried everything from warming lubricant to cooking oil to get her out of the headboard but nothing was working. The last resort was to call the fire department. Covering Amy with the bed sheets, Bumper made the call and explained what happened, leaving out the sexy details, and asked that the "jaws of life" be brought to his home to save his very pissed off girlfriend.

When the fire department arrived they got an earful from a very angry Australian. She heard Bumper speaking to them and started screaming "Fire! Fire!". She became pissed beyond anything Bumper had ever seen before when they had to cover her head to protect her from the flying metal. As soon as she was freed from her iron prison aka their bed, she streaked across the room full of hot firemen to use the restroom, remarking to herself how familiar one of them seemed.

A few hours later, Bumper woke up to his cock throbbing uncontrollably. At first, he thought Amy was giving him the most amazing wake up call ever, in possible thanks for bringing half of the fire department into their bedroom for her to see but seconds later he realized that wasn't the case at all. When he reached down for what he thought was Amy's head he realized he was actually touching his extremely swollen and very numb member. Unfortunately, Bumper and Amy didn't read the instructions before deciding to try this something new.

"AMY!" he screamed sitting up.

"Mmm...Bump, it's too early. I don't wanna to play yet."

"AMY WAKE UP!" Amy started to move about but Bumper was stock still. He was shocked and he needed Amy to wake up. "Ames! I need you to to wake up...NOW!" Thinking that Bumper was joking, Amy rolled over and snuggled into her pillow. "AMY WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Bumper screamed.

"What the fuck Bump!" she said rubbing her eyes, "I'm sitting up."

"Look at this!" he said gesturing to his very swollen junk.

"Well, well, well... look who's in treble."

"Not funny Amy!"

"Well, what the hell happened to it?"

"I don't know!" he squeaked. "But this ring won't come off."

"We need to get that ring off." She said looking through the drawer of the bedside table.

"What are you doing?"

Amy produced a tube of lubricant and proceeded to squirt a generous size blob onto her hands.

"Be careful." Bumper whimpered.

"Mate, I've wrestled your crocodile and dingoes simultaneously, I can handle getting your cock ring off." she said as she slathered the lubricant on the subject at hand. After pulling and tugging and massaging for a few moments but nothing was happening.

"Oh. My. God." Bumper screamed batting Amy's hand away from his crotch. "Little Bumper and the twins are suffering...horribly!" he said gingerly grabbing his manhood, trying not to cry.

"I'll be right back." Amy said as she got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. Bumper could hear her digging around.

"What are you looking for?"

"Here, try this." she said tossing him a bottle of liquid hand soap.

Bumper slathered the soap on his hands in an effort to remove the cock ring. When that didn't work, Amy went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of cooking oil and a stick of butter. Again no luck...just a huge slippery mess.

"We need to get you to the ER...NOW! Get up!"

"In case you didn't notice I am UP!"

"Shut up you ass! Get out of bed!"

Amy managed to help Bumper out of bed and get him semi-dressed. Little Bumper was on high alert and Big Bumper was having a hell of time trying to walk. As he walked through the living room he lost his balance and fell through the glass coffee table, knocking himself smooth out. Amy heard the crash and came vertical running into the room.

"Oh my God! BUMPER!" Amy rushed to Bumper's side and started slapping his face to get him to wake up. "Come on Bump, wake up!" After several minutes of trying to wake him up and having no success, Amy picked up her phone and dialed out for help and advice. No answer. She dialed again. No answer.

"One more time." She told herself. "Come on Beca… pick up!"

"Amy! I don't want any of those damnnnn… jelly donuts that call… that call youuuu in the middle of the night!" Beca said breathily into the phone.

"Beca... this isn't about donuts."

"Mmmm….then someone damn well better, ahhhh…. be dying or bleeding!"

"It's Bumper! He's bleeding and his balls are blue!"

"Oh my God! Mmmm babe, that's so good…right there. Oh Godddddd, right there." Beca said real breathy.

"Beca, are you ok?"

"Mmm...hmm...oh, Jess!"

"You sound out of breath…are you jogging?"

"Mmmm…babe!"

"Beca! Helloooo Beca!"

"Oh…mmmm, yeah! Sorry…I'mmmmm here."

"Beca...are you listening?"

"Ammmy...I have toooo gooo."

"No Beca! Don't you dare hang up. Earth to Beca! I'm on the phone!"

"Oh babe...Ohhhh my Godddd! Ahhhhh!"

"BECA! BECAWWW! It's Bumper! He's bleeding and his balls are blue!"

"Wait! What?! Jesse get off! (Babe, I'm not done.) Let me finish up this call and I promise I'll make it up to

you. Amy, what happened?!"

"I really don't have the time to explain."

"Then what the fuck did you call me for?"

"Oh shit, Bec, I'm sorry. You were in the middle of the big 'O', weren't you?"

"Yes, I was! Amy! What. Do. You. Want?"

"Oh yeah, what's the number for 9-1-1?!"

"Oh my God, Amy seriously?! It's 9-1-1!"

"Oh yeah... right."

"Yeah Amy. Now is everything ok?"

"Yeah Beca…Thanks! I love you!"

"I love you too Amy!"

"You can go back to your regularly scheduled programming… already in progress."

"Bye Amy!" Beca thought she hung up before throwing her phone on the floor but she didn't. Amy

could hear her giggling and Jesse saying, "Now, where were we?"

"Crazy kids." Amy said as she hung up.

Amy called 9-1-1 and within minutes the paramedics arrived. As she let them in they began asking a barrage of questions as they swiftly checked Bumper over, taking care not to put too much pressure on the tent in his sweats. They reassured Amy that he would be well taken of before loading Bumper up onto a gurney.

When they were ready to leave, Amy felt the whole thing was taking entirely too long so she looked at them and said, "Let's make like a baby and head out!" They laughed and did as she said. They weren't really sure how to take Amy but she didn't look like someone they wanted to mess with.

Upon arriving at the hospital, some ten minutes later, Bumper was taken straight through to triage and Amy was asked to wait in the waiting room.

"Ma'am, you'll have to wait here." A kindly nurse said, pointing to the rows of uncomfortable plastic chairs to the right of the reception desk.

"Aca-cuse me? I'm going with him!"

"You have to wait here."

"That's my boyfriend back there!"

"Ma'am, what's your name?" the nurse questioned, taking in Amy's disheveled appearance. She was wearing her crumpled flight attendant uniform from the night before, having been the first thing she grabbed when they decided Bumper needed medical assistance and sporting her fuzzy kangaroo slippers on her feet.

"Fat Amy."

"You call yourself Fat Amy?"

"Yeah, so twig bitches like don't do it behind my back."

"Well...Fat Amy, please let us do our jobs and I'll come out with an update shortly."

"Don't add fuel to my bloody hate fire."

"Amy, you need to wait here so we can take care of…"

"Ummm, newsflash, this isn't the little Miss Nursey, Nurse show…. You need to get out of my way." Amy exclaimed, breaking away from the kindly nurse in front of her.

"Ma'am... you can't go back there. Fat Amy!"

"Release the Kraken!" Amy bellowed, making her way in the direction of the corridor where Bumper was taken. "Feel the Fat Amy force!"

"Ma'am..." the nurse said running down the corridor after Amy. "Amy…come back here!"

"Vertical running! I'm vertical running! Bumper! I'm coming babe!"

Amy weaved in and out of the halls trying to lose the nurse. When she finally got to the back of the hospital, she found Bumper, alternating between crying that he was still alive and scolding him for being such an idiot as they waited for the doctor to come in. As they sat together, the nurse that Amy had pushed aside walked in.

"Mrs. Swanson!" Bumper screeched.

"Travis Allen, I heard you were here!" Mrs. Swanson said hugging him before turning to Amy "And you!"

Bumper turned to Amy, "What did you do? Mrs Swanson doesn't bust out her angry face for just anyone."

"Uhhhh...ummmm..." Amy hesitated. "I might have been just a little pushy back there."

"A little?" Mrs. Swanson questioned while tapping her foot. "Travis, who is this?"

"This is my girlfriend, Amy."

Mrs. Swanson's eyes were as big as dinner plates. "THIS is Amy?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Jesse and Beca always speak so highly of Amy. I wouldn't have imagined this."

"Mrs. Swanson, I'm really sorry for what I said and did. I was worried about Bump- I mean Travis and I just wanted to get to him."

"I understand that young lady, but there was no reason for you to cuss at me."

"Yes ma'am. I really am very sorry." Amy said, honestly.

"Thank you. I appreciate your apology. Now come here and give me a proper hug." Mrs. Swanson hugged Amy, patting her back for several moments. "And Bumper, I'll bring you some ice for the boys. Dr. Swanson will be in shortly."

After sitting with one large bag of ice under his junk and one on top of his junk for a good fifteen minutes, Dr. Swanson came in to see Bumper.

"Oh, hey there Bump, my main man, B-Man, the Bump, Bumpy, Bumperooney!"

Bumper looked up, "Hey Doc Swanson."

"I hear your penis is incredibly large …" Dr. Swanson said while looking at Bumper's chart. "... and swollen."

"That's not my only problem."

"Well...let's see what's going on." Dr Swanson continued, lifting the sheets a little. "OH MY! You've got a cock ring. I tried one of those back in the 70's."

"Yeah, It was cool while we were doing it but that," Amy said while pointing to Bumper's junk, "did take us a little bit by surprise."

"Oh God ..." Bumper said throwing his head back on the bed.

Dr Swanson chuckled, still thinking of his time in the 70's. "She was a lucky lady. I was quite the s-t-u-d in my day."

"I really don't need to hear this Doc. I need fixing." Bumper said face palming himself

"Don't be embarrassed." Dr. Swanson told him. "It's perfectly normal for two healthy specimens to try new things…"

Amy giggles, "I sometimes have a feeling I can do a 69? but then I think, mmm 'better not'."

"Guys... I'm in pain here."

"Sorry Bumper. Do you remember the time I saw you poking an apple pie, and I don't mean the lovely lady next to you, I mean, that fresh from the oven apple pie you were gettin' hot and heavy with in my kitchen over Spring Break a few years ago."

"Doc, can we stick to the matter at hand?"

"Tell me, did you find out what a clitoris was in the end?" Dr. Swanson asked as he jotted something down in Bumper's chart.

"Amy, help out me here."

"Oh, like you helped me when my head was stuck in the rails after that good pounding you gave me?"

"Such a lovely girl." Dr. Swanson mused. "She's a keeper Bumper."

"Doc, my manhood is in a vice grip and I'm gonna start singing soprano soon. Can you focus...please?"

Dr. Swanson threw the sheet back and started examining Bumper's junk. "Certainly. Do you have an erectile problem usually? You can buy time you know. It's surprising what you can do with a well placed thumb."

"Tried that." Amy quipped.

After the examination, Dr. Swanson decided that since the ice wasn't helping, they were going to have to try something more drastic. "Bumper, the swelling has not gone down, we're going to have try something else to remove the ring."

"Something else? Like what?"

"I've already sent one of the nurses to retrieve the dremel tool from maintenance."

"Oh no! You're not putting that thing anywhere near my junk!"

"Then what would you suggest, because if we don't do something soon, you're going to lose the entire package."

Bumper gulped. "The dremel tool it is then sir."

After several tries with the dremel tool, Dr. Swanson noticed that there wasn't even a mark on the ring. The dremel tool wasn't working. He leaned over and whispered something to the nurse. Moments later she came back with Ralph, the chief maintenance engineer for the hospital who, luckily happened to be next door fixing a broken light fixture. Bumper's eyes bugged out of his head when Ralph produced a very large pair of bolt cutters.

"Oh no! You're not coming near my junk with that! No way, no how! Get the fuck out!"

"Travis!" Mrs. Swanson yelled. "You are about 60 seconds from losing the whole kit and caboodle, I don't think you're in a position to tell us what to use when trying to save it."

"But Mrs. Swanson, bolt cutters? Those things cut master locks!"

"Travis we've tried everything else, if we can't get it off it, along with everything else, the ring will need to be surgically removed and that will require extensive physiotherapy and a prescription that will not allow you to have sex for several months."

"You're absolutely bat-shit crazy if you think I'm letting you go at my junk with that thing!"

"Travis Michael Allen! Don't make me take you over my knee young man." Mrs. Swanson pulled out her angry face again.

"But…"

"But nothing. You're gonna sit there and be quiet while we try to restore feeling and color to your junk. Got it mister?"

"Yes ma'am." Bumper said sulking. Mrs. Swanson patted his knee.

They took precautions to protect little boy blue and the twins as much as possible before allowing Ralph access to cut the cock ring. Ralph tried several times and while the bolt cutters made a mark on the ring it didn't come anywhere near close to cutting it. When the bolt cutters didn't work, Dr. Swanson delivered more bad news.

"Bumper, we're gonna have to call the fire department to come out with the jaws of life to get this things off of you."

Bumper gulped, "The jaws of life?"

"Yes. It's a piece of equipment used to cut crash victims out of vehicles." Dr. Swanson explained.

"And you wanna put that near my junk?"

"We don't have a choice. We'll leave you two alone until they arrive."

"I could call Benji?" Amy offered. "Maybe he could come down here with his magical powers and 'poof' that thing off you?"

"Do you even hear yourself? You want Benji to wave a wand over my junk to get this shit off?"

"It's worth a try."

"Amy! I have blue balls! BLUE BALLS! Loook!"

"I know! It's a little displeasing to the eye."

"A little?"

"You're one of those a capella boys, I'm one of those a capella girls and we were supposed to a capella children. It was supposed to be inevitable."

"Why are you spouting shitty Swanson-isms at me right now?!"

"Because we shouldn't have strayed from tradition!" she fussed. "We should have stuck to horizontal practices and left the vertical ones up to nature!"

"I'm going to lose my penis Amy!" he yelled, pointing at the tee-pee under the sheets. "We're going to lose my penis!"

She told him, "I'm gonna miss you and baby beluga!"

He turned to her and said, "What? Wait! You're breaking up with me?"

"Well, if you don't have a penis..."

"If I don't have a penis, it's all your fault!"

"If you don't have a penis, I won't be able to see your toner through your jeans!"

Several minutes later the fire department arrived. Turns out it was the same crew that had been to their house earlier. The firemen couldn't look them in the eye knowing where they had seen just hours earlier. They were trying to hide they laughter but weren't succeeding. The familiar looking fireman was there, although Amy noted he was hiding under his hat at the back of the hospital room.

One of the firemen turned to Amy and said, "You liked it so you put a ring on it huh?"

Amy winked, "You know it!"

"Ok Mr. Allen…"

"Mr. Allen is my Dad. Please call me Bumper or Travis."

"Ok Travis, we've got everything in place, we just need to you to stay very still so we can make the necessary cuts to the ring. I repeat, keep very still. Did you sign the insurance waiver form if we cut it off by accident? Are you ready?"

"About as ready as I'll ever be."

"On the count of 3 we're going to begin the cut."

Bumper started screaming like a girl. Everyone in the hospital could hear him and one person even asked if the lady screaming was going to get an epidural to have her baby. He was the talk of the hospital, though no one knew why he was there or what the screaming was about.

Right before the firemen left, Amy said "I'm going to get you a fireman suit to wear in the bedroom!"

Bumper grabbed his junk, very gingerly, and said, "I'm not putting out any of your fires any time soon!"

After being freed from the cock ring that had bound him for over 6 hours, Bumper was finally breathing normally again. After being visited by a urologist and thoroughly examined for what felt like the 100th time that day, he was given the all clear and was finally released to go home. They had just enough time to take a much deserved nap and showers before going to meet their friends for dinner and karaoke night.

Amy and Bumper joined their friends at The Boiling Crab for dinner before heading over to Cafe Brass Monkey for karaoke night. Cafe Brass Monkey was their favorite dive bar in the heart of Koreatown. It's so popular with the locals that song requests all need to be made before 9pm in order to secure your spot.

Beca filled everyone in on the strange phone call she received from Amy in the very early hours of the morning. Of course, she conveniently left out the part about what she and Jesse were doing at the time the call came in. Turns out Stacie knew more about the call than Beca did. Stacie's new boyfriend Sean, who she planned to introduce to everyone in person that night as they had only previously seen pictures, was one of the responding firemen. He responded to both calls involving Bumper and Amy. His introduction to the group was a warm but awkward one.

"Hey Bump!" Jesse said as he slapped him on the back. "Heard you gotta a little hitch in your get-a-long. What happened?"

Beca gave Jesse the evil eye and elbowed him in the ribs, "They tell us enough, do you really need to ask?"

"Dude, trust me. You don't wanna know."

"Oh come on!" Donald said. "Since when do you keep secrets?"

"Alright, alright!" Bumper said. "Amy brought home a new toy last night."

Stacie's face lit up. "Ames, you bought a new toy?"

Jesse looked at Donald, "We may have just opened Pandora's box."

"No shit!"

"Two words people… Cock. Ring." Bumper beamed.

"Amy...way to go girl!" Stacie winked. "Gettin' it! Gettin' it!"

Jesse laughed so hard he started having a coughing fit, causing Beca to look away from the girls and their conversation to check on him. Donald had a similar, yet messy reaction. He spit beer clear across the bar.

"Dude, a cock ring." Donald said after he gained his composure.

"It was a nice treat until it all went horribly wrong."

"Horribly wrong?" Jesse asked suddenly putting two and two together. "Is that why Amy called Beca this morning?"

"Yeah, the night started off great. For the record, I highly recommend you both get a cock ring."

"Sooo, what went wrong?" Donald asked.

"Nooo!" Beca begged. "Please, let's not get into this."

"Speak for yourself." Cynthia Rose said giving Stacie a high five. "I wanna hear this."

Bumper waved his hands and said, "Alright, if you really must know, I'll tell you. Amy and I had some fun with a cock ring. The first mishap..."

Donald laughed, "Shit, there was more than one?"

"Unfortunately yes! During round 1, Amy's head got stuck in the rails of our bed and I had to call the fire department."

All eyes turned to Stacie's boyfriend Sean. He blushed; not wanting to admit that he had seen Amy butt ass nekkid or that he had to get up close and personal with Bumper's junk. He threw his hands up and said, "Not my story to tell." With that, everyone looked back at Bumper and Amy for the rest of the story. Jesse motioned for the waitress to bring another round of beer and shots. Something told him they were going to need alcohol to get through this story.

"Anyway, after calling the fire department and getting Amy cut out of the bed, we had some pretty kick ass pissed off angry sex and fell asleep..."

"You didn't take it off?!" Stacie asked. "Tell me you didn't fall asleep with a cock ring on your junk?"

"Yes, I fell asleep with it on. BIG mistake. When we woke up we tried to get the damn thing off but it wouldn't budge. I was having trouble walking, lost my balance and fell through our glass coffee table. Which lead to the second call to 9-1-1."

"That's why you called me this morning!" Beca screeched.

"Oh don't act innocent, "Miss. 'Oh my God! Mmmm babe, that's so good…right there. Oh Godddddd, right there'." Amy said. "I caught these two in a hot and heavy session this morning."

"Hey Amy, difference is we didn't end up in the ER." Jesse said pulling Beca close and kissing her temple.

"Do you wanna hear the rest of this or what?" Bumper asked. The general consensus was not just yeah but hell yeah. "So I take a ride in the ambulance to the hospital where I meet not only Jesse's mom but his dad too. Amy had a run-in in the hallway with Mrs. Swanson and released the Kraken."

"Amy, you didn't?! You've scarred my mother-in-law!" Beca said.

"She's not your mother-in-law yet and for the record, she's fine Beca." Bumper assured her. "After that, your soon to be father-in-law came in and got up close and personal with my junk. They tried ice to shrink 'em, a dremel and bolt cutters on the ring before calling the fire department again to bring the jaws of life to get the cock ring off."

"Holy hell dude!" Donald's eyes were bugging out of his head.

"Hey Jess... did you know your dad tried a cock ring back in the 70's?!"

"Oh my God!" Beca buried her face in Jesse's chest. "Make it stop, please!"

"Why? What's wrong Bec?" Stacie asked.

"The first time Beca met my parents, we found out they were going through a nudist phase."

Stacie started laughing while Beca kept her face hidden in Jesse's chest. "Are you serious? You gotta tell us about it."

Luckily they were saved by the DJ calling their name to sing. "Next up is Beca, Cynthia Rose and Stacie. Come on up ladies!" The three looked at each other and laughed. They knew what was coming. Beca gave Jesse a quick kiss and made her way up to the stage with the other girls. Amy looked at Jesse and said, "What are they up to."

Jesse laughed, "You'll know soon enough."

Cynthia Rose took center stage with Stacie to her left and Beca to her right. Cynthia Rose announced to the crowd, "This song goes out to our best friend Amy and her man Bumper. We love you guys!"

The music started, hands were on hips and hips started swinging. They had performed this song many times and had the choreography down pat. This may just be karaoke night but they were the Bellas after all. Bellas not only sing, they dance and they dance like their lives depend on it.

"All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies

Now put your hands up"

(Cynthia Rose) "Up in the club, we just broke up
I'm doing my own little thing
You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cause another brother noticed me
I'm up on him, he up on me
don't pay him any attention
Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can't be mad at me"

"Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it"

(Beca) "I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
Cause you had your turn
And now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me"

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh"

(Stacie) "Don't treat me to these things of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is a man that makes me then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms
Say I'm the one you want
If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a ghost I'll be gone"

"All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

Wuh uh oh"

When the girls got back to the table, Amy said, "You bitches just had to go there...didn't you?" They all laughed. It was all done in good fun and Amy knew that.

"It was the perfect song for the night." Cynthia Rose said with a wink.

Beca and Stacie kissed Amy on the cheeks and said, "We love you Amy." as they both wrapped her in a hug.

"Where's Sean?" Stacie asked as she sat down.

"Went to the bar." Jesse told her as he pulled Beca's chair out for her to sit.

"Be right back." Stacie told them going in search of her boy toy. She found him at the bar just like Jesse said she would. She walked up behind him and snaked her arms around his waist and allowed her hands to wander a bit. She whispered in his ear, "Meet me in the bathroom." He elicited a low groan then turned to watch Stacie as she walked in the direction of the bathroom. He had never met anyone like her before; she was definitely going to be the death of him.

After waiting several minutes, Sean followed Stacie to the bathroom. After his signature knock, Stacie opened the door and pulled him in by his shirt collar. She pushed Sean against the door and locked it. For a bar, the restrooms were nice, newly remodeled and the perfect place for a quickie. Stacie took Sean's hand and lead him to the counter between the two wash basins. Giving Sean a little push and a seductive look, he watched as Stacie began to remove his belt and jeans. She dropped to her knees and immediately went to work on his throbbing cock. He quickly realized what her plan was. Because of their position, he was able to see her and what she was doing not only by looking down on her but because he could look in the mirror. He was definitely enjoying the view. He threw his head back in enjoyment. She took his entire length in her mouth and bobbed up and down for a few moments, coating him, warming him up. She ran her tongue up and down his shaft as she cupped his balls in her hands, squeezing gently. She liked the way his eyes rolled as she did that. Flicking her tongue out, she circled his head, alternating between slipping him back in her mouth and releasing him with a loud pop and licking the tip of his penis like a cat licking milk from a saucer. It didn't take long before he grabbed the back of her head, holding her still as he stiffened, coming loudly with a long moan.

Stacie wasn't quite prepared for the line as she exited the bathroom. How long had she and Sean been in there? She walked past the line of bemused faces, hoping Sean was taking the minute he needed to avoid running the gauntlet as well. She was almost to the bar, and her much needed drink when Amy caught up to her, closely followed by Cynthia Rose and a quite green looking Beca.

"Been having fun, have we?" Amy asked, as Stacie sat on a stool and nodded to the bartender.

"What do you mean? With Sean?" Stacie asked.

"With Sean? Of course with Sean … Stacie, you do realise the bathroom has vents in it, right? Half the bar could hear you. We had to sing as loud as we could when it was our turn." Cynthia Rose mused.

"Oh, what were you singing?" Stacie asked, innocently as possible.

"So not the point." Beca muttered.

"So, you guys heard huh?" Stacie asked.

"Erm, yeah. What on earth were you doing?" Amy questioned, unable to let it go.

"Sean, obviously." Beca deadpanned.

"So when you said 'are we going to sink to new levels', you meant …?"

"Yep, he had me bent over the sink; it's a great height for me, being so tall! He lifted my skirt up, hitched my panties to one side and dropped his jeans. Lucky for me, he was still as hard as nails! When they talk about a firemans hose, girls, I can confirm that those bad boys are like dynamite. He lined himself up, told me not to bang my head on the faucet and he plunged himself into me. It was all I could do not to squeal, I can tell you. But the best part, we kept eye contact the whole time as he's working away, which is pretty erotic and I've got leverage to be able to push back against him."

"Sounds hot!" Amy said. "Not sure whether Bumpy will be up for tryin' that anytime soon. Think it's gonna be a while for he trusts me again."

"Just a while?" Beca laughs. "Dude, he nearly lost his junk."

"No lasting damage though. Although the doc did say, he may have to sit down for sex for a while."

"Try the toilet?" Stacie suggested.

"What?" Beca asked. "You've had sex on the -"

"- Yep, pretty much. He was sitting on the toilet -"

"- Ewww."

"Not like that. The lid was down. His pants were long gone by then and he doesn't wear anything underneath anyway. He was taking a moment to get his breath back so I climbed on, straddled him and held on to the tank behind as I rode him."

"Does that work?" Cynthia Rose asked.

"Oh yeah." Stacie said with a grin. "He was thrusting up and I was bouncing down. Had to be a bit careful though."

"Why?" Beca asked, although she was dreading the answer.

"Oh, I was doing that with a guy one time; he was flat out on his back in his bed and I was all dressed up like a cowgirl, riding that pony. He was desperate to get off, he'd been holding back for about three hours and his balls were purple. We were in a pretty good rhythm when he mewed like a kitten and I got distracted and missed a beat. He thrust up as deep as he could but I missed the beat and came back down a little too hard on him. We both heard the snap."

"You broke his penis?" Beca's eyebrows shot up into her hairline.

"Yeah. I said sorry."

"Oh my God." Beca exclaimed. "What happened next?"

"That was an A&E job too. If memory serves, it was Dr Swanson then too. We must keep him in business." Stacie laughed and finally placed their drink order on the fourth attempt at getting the bartenders attention. He looked familiar and Stacie was beginning to worry that she used and abused him before.

"That doesn't explain the loud banging noises from the bathroom though." Cynthia Rose. "It sounded like there was construction going on in there."

"Oh that could have been when I had my legs wrapped around his waist and he had me up against the wall. I'm pretty flexible as you know and being a dancer helps! Up against the wall, I had one of my legs over his shoulder as he drove into me."

Cynthia Rose couldn't hide the grin on her face. She remembered their Bella days and Stacie's dancer moves quite well.

"I was telling him to hurry up as I was getting pretty thirsty by this point and I was really hot from all the thrusting so he thought he'd push me up against the wall with the tiles, thinking it would be cool on my back. It was pretty amazing! He's got a good tongue, dear God, that tongue but when he's on the clock, and it's fast and hard, yeah, I see stars."

"Thanks for scarring me for life." Beca said as she picked up the drinks for her and Jesse that the bartender had placed for them on the top of the bar. The others followed suit and Stacie hopped down from the stool, taking a good mouthful of her margarita and sighing.

"Music, singing, margaritas, stories, good friends and a healthy serving of Beca embarrassment? I'd call that a good night, wouldn't you ladies?"

They all laughed, including Beca as they clinked their glasses together, reaching the table and placing the drinks down for the others.

"Who's up for getting vocal?!" Donald asked, nudging Cynthia Rose with his elbow.

"Seeing as Sean and Stacie already showed us their range, I guess it's our turn now dude!" Cynthia Rose laughed.

They continued to take turns singing, dancing and entertaining the crowd with their antics. The crowd was eyeing Stacie and Sean knowing full well what happened in the bathroom earlier but Stacie was just glad she was wearing her favourite top and skirt, so that at least, if all eyes were on her, they were looking at her best outfit!

As the evening was winding down and everyone was getting ready to leave, Bumper got everyone's attention, calling them together and asking for a moment of everyone's time.

"Ladies & Gentlemen, Gather round. Get ready for a show… of affection.

Amy, our relationship has been an awesome...ly horrible kinda thing at times

And while we were in college, you put your sisters before misters

but then we gathered round, You saw the sign, I turned the beat around

and it really opened up my eyes, we didn't stop the music,

you saw the magic in me and I didn't forget about you

and you spun my head right round when you went down down

I saw your booty work, you released the Kraken and it was really No Diggity

but baby all of this crazy stuff only means that "My Life Would Suck Without You'."

Bumper got down on one knee, like the gentleman Amy always knew he was, and asked, "Amelia Rose Wilson, I love you and can't imagine my life without you. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and sharing this crazy life with me 'Until the End of Time' because 'You & I' are unstoppable."

The girls all gasped and sighed as everyone looked to Amy waiting for her to answer Bumper. She was slack jawed and in shock; clearly she never expected this.

"Amy." Beca said gently trying to get her best friend's attention. "Amy!"

Amy shook her head to bring herself back to the present. Bumper was still kneeling before her, ring in hand, waiting for her response and looking slightly scared. He even did a double take to make sure he was holding the right ring in his hand.

"Amy... baby, look at me." Bumper said hooking her chin with his finger. "Did you hear me?" Amy nodded her head but still couldn't say anything. Shock had clearly taken over.

"Amy." Bumper said again. "What's your answer?"

"Uhhhh...ummmm..." was all that Amy could manage to get out.