Confessions of a Giant

Power is easy to possess, as long as you have the balls for it.

Men like Huangfu Song, who fought for the pansy of a Han Emperor, are the kind of idiots who work hard for little gain.

But, naturally, I am nothing like them.

Now one may wonder how I became this great, how I tamed the beast Lu Bu and hired the genius Li Ru. One may wonder how I secured the glorious city of Chang'an as my capital. One may wonder how I, the great Dong Zhuo, terrorized so many little ants into mobilizing against me. One may wonder how I rose from nearly invisible origins to become this legend among men.

Well, you maggots, wonder no longer!

When I was a young man, I admired power when I saw it. The Qiangs, barbarians though they might be, are legendary cavalrymen. So, naturally, I befriended them and treated them well, even killing off a prize bull to feed these honored guests. When Han Sui dared rise against the corruption of the Han government, I put him down knowing that by sucking up to those in charge I'd get a fine reward.

But, after a while, I realized that admiring power was for pansies. I am no pansy. One does not sit there like an idiot at a museum and gawk at how pretty those artifacts are. No, one takes those artifacts and with them makes new, more glorious passages in the history books!

Thus, when I was asked to defeat the Qiangs, I did just that. Six armies were sent to defeat them, and five of them were destroyed. Mine was the sole army that won. Those other five were idiots, as you can see. Their commanders were like Huangfu Song: blind, loyal dogs that had no idea of what really matters in life.

Then He Jin, a dog with only half the brains of Huangfu Song, was crushed by the savvy ten Eunuchs. Those Han dogs would say that the ten Eunuchs were evil, but I say that they're brilliant. Their only flaw was the fact that they stood against me when they had the chance to surrender. Heaven knows that I'd love to use them as additional advisors.

But, anyway, when He Jin died, I took my chance and "rescued" the Emperor. Afterwards I recruited Lu Bu and got rid of Ding Yuan, thus allowing me to be the most powerful man in Luoyang. With the Emperor in my hands I felt the blessings of power. Countless women found themselves in my bed. Countless treasures trickled into my hands. I was God among Men. I was a Giant among Ants. I was the real Emperor of these parts!

Legions of Ants rose to face me, and yet I crushed them all, making them flee. None could face me, and none ever will.

I burned that city of Luoyang, taking all those beauties and all that treasure with me as I entered Chang'an. I got rid of the maggots that crawled in those infested streets. With Luoyang gone none will dare face me. I have Lu Bu on my side! I have Li Ru to help plan my battles! I am the Giant among Men with a Beast and a Genius standing beside me. How could I ever lose?

This is Wang Yun, father of Diao Chan and Minister of the Masses. With my daughter's help I succeeded in pitting Lu Bu against Dong Zhuo. It is pitiful how we found this document lying on Dong Zhuo's desk shortly after we gutted that pig. Apparently, he intended to broadcast it to the world, boasting of his achievements and wicked glory. Now I have released that tyrant's words to the people, so that they can see how this twisted mind operated from the start. Now, he is dead, and with his death China may finally see prosperity and peace. May Heaven be with the children of the Yellow Earth.

Author's note:

I never wrote about Wang Yun or Dong Zhuo before, so this was fun.

Huangfu Song was a critical Han commander who crushed the Yellow Turbans, and who later annihilated the remnants of the Dong clan and their supporters. Without his work there would surely have been more death and destruction in China before the Three Kingdoms era. He will be sorely missed.

So, yeah, not much has been written of Dong Zhuo lately, so I hope you enjoyed this, reader.