Like a Weight

So I sat on your floor

While you lay on your bed

I stare up at Dan whilst he shoves his face into his pillow, flipping onto his stomach with a groan.

"Well at least I'll always have you, Phil." He says, turning his head to smile softly at me, yet I can't help but see pain in his eyes.

You told me some more

How he's teasing your head

"I just don't understand. What did I do wrong? One minute we're joking around and I'm happy, then the next he's ignoring me, like I'm a complete stranger."

I stay silent, gently offering him a hug, now unable to meet his coppery eyes. After racking my brain for several minutes, I come up empty. I don't know what advice to give him anymore. I'm too tired. I'm done.

It hurts and it feels

It feels like I'm dead

I leave him alone in his room, wandering out into the kitchen of our shared flat. Six years. I've been in love with him six years.

Eventually I make it to the couch and collapse. It's not worth it. I can hardly even breathe.

I can't see your eyes

Behind all those threads

It's been several hours when I finally find the strength to stand and slump my way back to Dan's room only to find his door mostly shut, muffled sobs barely perceivable.

So I silently spoke

Through a crack in your door

"Dan. Look, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll be okay, you'll be fine. If he doesn't treat you right he's not good enough for you anyway. Find someone who will love you for you. Be happy."

There's no response but the crying stops for a moment and the breathing gets louder. Then it picks up again - louder than before - and I give up. Again.

"Get some sleep. I love you Dan, good night."

As I walk away I think I hear a whispered "love you, Phil." But I know it's just my imagination.

The things so familiar

Will come in no more

8 months later and Dan's still upset over him. 'Cept now they're dating, so he complains more about the cheating suspicions and unreplied texts.

Goodbye my dear

Like a weight I can shake

I don't get it, personally. The dude is a jerk. And I hardly ever see my best friend anymore. When I do he's either pissed or disgustingly happy for all the wrong reasons. Or drunk. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Who knows if you'll hear

Another breathe that I'll take

What difference does it make if I'm here or not anyways? It's not like Dan cares anymore. He just talks, always assuming I'm listening. I don't even respond most of the time. He's high right now, yelling about how his dumbass boyfriend forgot to take him home last night. I don't care though. I. Don't. Care.

Days come and go

And this loving was slow

Then they break up. Things get better, for a little while. Our friendship starts healing. Dan is almost back to normal. I'm not though. That's how I know he isn't exactly the same either. If he was, he'd notice that I'm different. That I never meet his eyes. I talk to him, sure. Laugh at his jokes, make some of my own. But it's an act. All of it. And I think his might be too.

So now at its close

What have you to show?

I get bad again. Before I know it, another year has gone by. I'm in love with the old Dan now. The one that's never coming back. Never. So what's the point?

Before I know it, I'm on the balcony, staring at the street, the cars whizzing by, 50 feet below. 50 feet. Surely enough to kill.

Goodbye my dear

Like a weight I can shake

So I prepare myself. My suicide note already on the counter. Dan's not in the apartment. That should make it easier for him. If he even cares.

Then I'm jumping.

Then I'm falling.

I don't even feel any pain as I fade into nothing.

Who knows if you'll hear

Another breath that I'll take