There will be many references to previous episodes! Hopefully you remember them or the story doesn't have as much of an effect. You'll most likely understand it anyways. I wasn't sure if I was going to post this. But I will leave it here for now and see what you think. This takes place in season 9 episode 3. This is quite frankly one of the many theories I envisioned for Cas's short death. If any piece is inaccurate then please leave a review!
A voice called for me in the distance. At first it was loud and piercing trying to reach through the wall that separated us. But then it broke and softened. Faint warmth covered my cheeks although the feeling eventually gave way. Suddenly I was colder than before and every direction was dark. Things were no longer hard and nothing held depth or much presence.
"Where's Dean? Where's Sam? Why am I here? What is this?"
So many thoughts yet it did not feel like I was thinking. And suddenly I was shoved into a setting from my past memory. There was Dean raking up the leaves that scattered across the grass like a child's canvas. Shades of red, orange, and yellow paint were the brightest here. This was but moment until the landscape became dull again.
A chill ran up my spine from this memory. It was just before I went for Crowley's help-that low life demon whom I've hated so much. He was a reminder of my mistake and another wreck in my relationship with Dean.
Suddenly the scenes kept changing, one second I was with Sam and Dean on the hunt for the Looney Toons maniac, and the next Dean was beneath me. His hands trembling trying to hold on to my old trench coat. He was telling me he needed me. Seeing him there with blood dripping down his face in rivers, it was also too much for me. I've never felt this much pain before nor did I completely understand what Dean meant until now.
"Why couldn't Dean and I communicate well before? For a long time we have misunderstood each other."
"But do you understand entirely now Castiel?"
A familiar voice came from behind. Her red locks bounced like playful children in a school yard just as they use to. However her eyes were different than from before. They were less lost and afraid.
"Anna?"
It was rather hard to remain stoic after seeing her pale and fragile features once again.
"Wrong. Well…you're on the right track. I'm just here as your apparition."
"Why you?"
I could not comprehend why out of all the people to be here before me it was the fiery and direct Anna. My once glorious superior who fell to the angels' will.
She chuckled, "I was one of your first regrets back when you spent time with the Winchesters."
Flipping her hair she smiled softly, "All this poor girl ever did was try to help you. And what did you do? Rat her out. Let the angels take her and torture her until she was forced to see their ways. I am not really Anna. I could have been anyone. I'm the one who will guide you Castiel."
"Do you have to take that form?"
I hope she didn't hear my voice crack. The past was something I still haven't recovered from. If I was a pawn in a chess game my gain would hardly be a couple of spaces. The other side is too distant for me to see. The fallen angel inside of me doubts I'll ever get a real victory. However, such as the humans do, I'll try again.
Anna's eyes widened in surprise from his reaction. This certainly wasn't the Anna he knew long ago. Something about her aura was off and harsh.
"Well if you want…"
She came closer to me with a sly grin and a flirtatious stride. Her hand brisked my right shoulder and into my ear she whispered,
"I could be Meg if you like or maybe April. Perhaps if you prefer it the other way… I can be Dean."
The tone of Anna's voice slowed at the last part. Making the words linger in my mind. I gulped awkwardly.
"That will not be necessary."
A disappointed frown smeared her face as if she were a mere doll designed with only one purpose. No. This was definitely not the real Anna. Anna was a trust worthy angel until the last few days before she died. It had been a hard blow thinking about it. I lost my sister. The sister I was closest too.
"Aw you're no fun. I'm getting bored with that look on your face. Let's look around shall we? See what's in this head of yours."
She turned her back and waved for me to follow. My body shifted and darkness took over again. Blinking a couple of times, a light approached from beyond and we were at a new scene.
A table with five people lay in the center of a very fancy restaurant. The wine glasses were so clean that they glittered with the bright light of the chandeliers above. It was a beautiful picture indeed. They laughed and smiled. For some reason I had recognized a few of them.
"Do you know this place Castiel?"
Her features had changed from Anna to Samandriel. His smile and innocent looks were all the same right down to every detail.
"Is this…heaven? Are all the scenes I'm seeing my heaven. Some of them are too painful to be. But this one is happier than the others."
I was bewildered by all of this. The memories were both painful and joyous ones. Has heaven changed? There's something about this scene. I've never experienced it. But have I seen it before?
"No, this is not heaven. Look harder Castiel and see what lies beyond."
I looked harder and sterner at the table with the fuzzy figures. They became clearer to me.
"Oh there's Sam!"
And he's with a young blonde woman who was holding out her hand to show a dazzling ring. This must have been Jessica from what I've been told. Her golden hair suited her and Sam was the happiest I've ever seen him be. There was another blonde woman there as well, even though she was quite older, still she maintained some youth.
"Why this is…"
My eyes searched further. Scanning for him.
Then there he was. Dean. Dimples showing off like they always did. Yet it was different. Dean looked upon them all as if he was centered in perfection. He has not been that content before. A beautiful woman with dark hair whispered into his ear.
Something stirred in my stomach.
"Who is that? When was this? Is this…is this Dean's heaven?"
"Boy, everything is heaven with you isn't it? What you're looking at is one of Dean's wishes. His family finally leading a normal life and of course having the girl of his dreams like any tired hunter would want. A djinn granted him this wish a long time ago. It now stands as a forgotten alternate universe. However it's not his heaven. Heaven is a memory. This was a fantasy that never came true."
I observed their merry. The normal life gave them a different glow. A layer of purity that they never were able to fix showered them such as the shimmering glasses spread shine into the room. But the person I watched the most was Dean. He wanted nothing more than his family to be together all of his life. Now they were. But where would I fit?
Samandriel noticed the lowering of my head as I tried to peer at the ground.
"Sorry Cas."
"For what?"
"I lied." His smile was wicked.
I cringed and jerked myself up to glare right at him.
"This was actually your wish. You dreamt this last night actually. The night you slept next to April. Humans have trouble recalling most of their dreams."
"But-Why would I have such a dream?"
"Why not try seeing it again? The way it really is."
Things had changed once more. The woman whispering and petting Dean's shoulder blade was no longer there. It was-it was me! The one with the dark hair and sitting with the Winchesters. There were no demons to separate us. Nor were there angels or vampires or anything supernatural. The only odd thing there was Dean and me. We were so close. Dean had no intention of keeping personal space. The other me was centimeters away from his ear, while saying something too quietly for anyone to hear, making Dean appear flustered by this gesture. His muscles tightened in response. It was the look Dean got when he was trying to keep his composure. I've seen it so many times. But it was still different. This Cas and Dean got lost in each other. What happened to the woman? Why?
"Have you really not figured it out Castiel?"
He was now Balthazar. The dear old friend that I killed with my own two hands. A day hasn't past where I don't think about it. Just another thing to add on the list I've been collecting for myself.
"Don't you see?"
Balthazar snapped his fingers.
Thousands of scenes flew by. They were at the bar waiting for cupid. Dean said he'd rather have me cursed or not. I let go of his hand. The first time he called me "Cas." Together chatting at the Men of Letters hide out. Riding next to him in the impala. The prayers he sent me each night in purgatory.
Everything played so fast. I thought I was going to be sick. His voice rang in my ears till it felt like they were bleeding.
"Please! Stop this…"
Begging for mercy, I kneeled to the ground from the pressure.
The last scene paused. Silence had returned. I was on my knees covering my ears until I knew it was safe. Then I slowly stood up and saw it. There was Dean. I was strapped to a chair. Sam was on the floor. Dean's hands were on my cheeks. Nothing moved.
It almost felt like I was watching a TV screen. The scene was not in my own life. Instead an action replayed by millions of particles invading a tiny box. Even so, a television set allures you into itself. Making the viewer think they are really there and thus sharing the experience.
Right now.
This paused insanity was just like that except in grayscale.
"This was the last thing to ever happen to you. Too bad your eyes were closed. You're dying there. And you're already dead here."
Balthazar moved in front of me. Blocking me from the sight.
"This is not heaven Castiel. This is not hell or purgatory or some parallel universe. This is where your regrets lie. You cannot rest here."
If I was breathing air it would have been sucked from my lungs. I couldn't believe it.
"Am I…in the limbo?"
"Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner Clarence."
Meg stuck out her tongue. Her brown eyes inspected him. Even if she was artificial, the familiar sarcasm did hit a soft spot. The leather jacket and the hair were all intact. I recalled the softness of her hair strands and the tenderness of her lips.
She was an infliction. I don't know of our true relationship or how it would be labeled. I couldn't understand it then or even now. Meg was more than a friend. But she would never account for what Dean, Sam, and I share. God knows I would wish to see her again where ever she may be. Another regret and another thing I could never close officially. If I did in truth see her again, I would know not what to say or even begin to say. Most likely it would be along the lines of "I'm sorry."
"Took you long enough!"
Now we both stood above a moving sky. There was some invisible floor keeping us afloat and I could see Earth below me. The world was precious from up here. Truly remarkable. He remembered why the Winchesters always wanted to save it.
"A couple of seconds have passed in earth time. You'll be returning soon."
"Returning?"
"According to plan, you should return. Not like it's your first time in doing so. You've been here before. Only I've erased your memory each time. Sorry pal, part of the rules in the handbook."
I had been here before? The sky started to spin. My mind was jumbled trying to match the puzzle pieces.
"Your spirit never truly died. The limbo is something you have to escape so you can move on."
She lifted her thumb up.
"A soul must eventually go up…"
Meg turned it.
"Or down."
She laughed hard and loud. Meg must have been pleased with my facial expression. Desperate and misgiven was what it represented. Her words couldn't reach me. Too astonishing was her information and my head still felt like it was circling around.
"Purgatory is for purification that leads to heavenly acceptance. Get past the pin points and you make it up. The in-between is queerer though. This is where damned souls lie. Some never get past what has been broken. Sometimes the souls stay so long they forget what they broke in the first place. God had to work on all of these in's and out's. Organization got worse since he left and you screwed up heaven."
Meg must have hoped that last comment stung.
"You've been here many times. I can hardly count them all. But it's only because someone wants you here. Folks don't usually get pulled back…You're one of the lucky ones."
Her eyes shimmered in excitement. I was starting to believe that this spirit was almost having too much fun watching me cringe.
"I…no."
"Oh dear! Looks like the time is up."
She raised her hand until it was hovering over my forehead. From her palm I could feel power, even though I wasn't an angel anymore. Preparing for the right time, Meg closed her eyes and breathed out slowly.
"Wait please! I need more answers. Are you the one who saved me all those times? The reason I've always come back? Why does this keep happening?"
She scoffed.
"No dear Castiel it was never me. It was someone much higher than you or me. Don't worry. You'll not remember everything. But you will recall the feelings you got from this place. Let them guide you. These scenes have always been the same since the first day you were here."
Meg rubbed her soft finger tips on me until she pinched tightly on my temples. Every inch of my body was turning numb and pulling me downward to the invisible floor where the clouds lie beneath.
"Regardless of what happens Castiel…of what might happen in the future just learn from that mistake."
The voice grew deeper.
"The reason behind your worries can be fixed. It's not entirely broken anymore as you sometimes feel it is. You couldn't understand him then. But you'll understand him better now. You'll get the same feelings he did. You'll see."
My eye lids began to close. I attempted to keep them open. I wanted to stay awake and learn more. Before I completely blacked out I could have sworn I heard Chuck's voice say,
"Despite his act, Dean will and has always ever wanted you to stay."
My body felt hard again.
I heard the same broken voice calling out to me.
"Cas!"
There I was in a wooden chair lost in a daze. The pain from my stomach had drifted away. For a moment I had forgotten where I was. But I hadn't forgotten that look on Dean's face. Relief and joy at the fact I was there. He ran to me. Placing his hand on me to feel me there.
"Never do that again!"
His face darkened as he said it. A few tears were in his eyes. They were faint as he tried to hold them back.
A weird pain in my chest approached and my pulse raced with a beat for each second. Seeing Dean there was more reassuring than it had ever been before.
"Alright."
With my response I was unsure of what I was agreeing to. But then all the memories flowed back. April was a reaper. She stabbed me and I felt the greatest amount of pain to ever take over my senses. I must have died just now. Right?
Sam got off the ground and came to check on me too. The brothers released me, and Dean made sure I could walk properly before getting off the chair. He was persistent on it even though I told him I felt fine.
There was something else missing too. I could have sworn that after April pierced my skin, and sending me into a state of internal misery, I had been somewhere else entirely. Maybe it was my imagination.
But how I healed and where I went didn't seem as important as the present. Dean obviously wasn't going to tell the truth about what had happened to me just yet. But I'm okay with it.
The three of us collected ourselves. Sam still appeared pretty roughed up even as he moved forward. He must have been just as confused as I was.
Before walking out of the door, Dean gave me a light pat on my shoulder. And suddenly I felt the sensation was just as strong as him breathing near my ear or maybe even on my neck. I quickly became flustered and tried to erase it from my mind. Why I even felt like that had happened…I wasn't quite sure.
Nonetheless, I could feel by his touch that he wanted me to stay. I finally understood why he wanted me there with him, and I wanted to be with him too. This time I'll go back to the bunker. Because now that I'm human, I honestly believe that nothing will ever separate me from the Winchesters ever again.
The End