I'm Chad. Formerly known as Chad Dylan Cooper, but I've gone by just Chad ever since I left the acting business to share my life with my wife. Sonny. Sonny Monroe meant the world to me and she still does. She too left acting to marry me. Those years were the greatest of my life. I'll never forget it.
We were happy together, from the first day we were married, at age 24. We hardly fought and always consoled each other in our time of need. Always. Usually it was me who needed the comfort. I was troubled because of my lack of a job. We struggled a lot. But we made it through because of our love for one another. We were fighting constantly to keep our home and our happiness. It was so hard and such a challenge, but she made it worth it. Anything was possible for us. Anything.
When we were 26, we had out first child. Her name was Aubrey. She had blue eyes and dark brown hair. She was absolutely precious.
Aubrey was born a month early and suffered from a slow beating heart. The doctors were always by her side trying to keep her alive. They tried and tried…
Aubrey died after her 3 weeks of life.
We never tried to have another child after her. It was too painful for the both of us. But nothing could compare to the next 5 years of my life. Nothing could compare at all..
When I was 30, Sonny broke the news to me. She was diagnosed to cancer. And just my luck, it was incurable. At first, it was nothing big, she showed no illness whatsoever. As if she wasn't effected at all. Some days I didn't even remember. Some days I thought it disappeared and we could have a normal life again. How I wish that was true.
It was 2 years later that Sonny showed signs of illness. She started vomiting constantly. Her hair gradually fell out. She became weaker and weaker. There were days where she could walk up and down the stairs with no problem. She could move around on her own. But there were also days where she couldn't move out of out own bed. Where she slept all day and I had to sit by her side until she awoke. Even in her physical state she tried to remain happy. Although I could see threw her fake demeanor and view that pain and sadness that filled her eyes. Everyday it got worse and worse.
It was agonizing; waiting until the day that she would have to go into the hospital. The day where she has to be run on tubes and wires. It was painful because we both knew it would come soon enough. Sonny knew full well what was going to happen to her. But she was a fighter and she would never give up.
But she did give up eventually.
I found her in bed…quiet and still. Her eyes were closed and her skin was pale. I knew what had happened. But I wish I hadn't.
I slowly moved to the side of the bed and held her hand. It was so cold and lifeless. I took a look at her face, and that was the moment where a tear ever so gently rolled down my cheek. From then on, I couldn't stop crying. Tears came and came, it was like I had reached a point of release and the crying was endless. I'm sure the neighbors could hear, but they too knew what happened.
At some point I stopped and called the ambulance to take her away. Soon enough I would see her at the funeral. Just the thought had me crying again.
Two weeks later was the funeral. She was in a beautiful casket covered with sunflowers. Those were her favorite. I recommended the song 'you are my sunshine" after all, it fit her perfectly. It maybe be cheesy but it's all too true.
I remember seeing my niece Caroline there. She walked up to her and looked at me. I'll never forget the look on her face as she said "Why does she have no hair?" She was 3 so of course she didn't know. But I couldn't help myself. I pulled little Caroline into my chest and just cried into her small shoulders. Hearing that was something I couldn't handle. It was just too painful.
Every morning I woke up to the sight of Sonny. I had her picture on my nightstand in a lovely frame. I would always draw a small heart on her face with my finger and gently kiss the picture. If only I could feel those lips again. Everyday I wish I could hold her hand in mine and intertwine out fingers. I remember I use to squeeze her hand hard and it could cause her to giggle. But now all I have is the spaces between them. Hers should be there.
The day she died, I lost my faith.
It's been almost 18 years since that dreadful day. The day my sunshine turned cloudy. The worst day of my life. And in remembrance of those 18 years, I've come to this cemetery every Sunday. Every Sunday I walk to her grave with sunflowers and rest them on the ground. I sit there and talk to her.
Today is Sunday and is no different. I'm at her grave staring at her name. Quietly, I talk to her just above a whisper .
"Hi Sonny, it's me again. Like last week I'm here. And the week before, and the week before and the- well you get my point. It was your birthday yesterday. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a gift in person. But I know you would've loved it" I pulled out a flower and a charm.
" It's a charm with your name on it. I know you never liked it when I bought you fancy things but…I wanted to. You deserve it. And so you know, I still have that locket you bought me for our one year anniversary. I'm actually wearing it right now. And somehow…Somehow I can still feel your delicate fingers touching it. I miss your little hands you know. I miss your eyes, your smile, your everything…I miss you. " At the point I started to choke up and a single tear had fallen.
" I'm sorry Sonny. I know you would say don't be but I am. I don't even know why. Maybe. If I had loved you more you…you wouldn't had left. I thought love was supposed to make everything better. So if I loved you more- I should shut up now. "
I laughed a little to myself but continued.
" Someday though, I'm going to see you. I honestly can't wait. I'll be able to see your cute little face again. I can't wait to die Sonny. I just cannot wait to die…But what if I go to hell Sonny. I've done so many bad things in my life. What if I go to hell and never see you again? No that's silly, we can never be separated for long. Like Tawnie used to say, I'm like a lost puppy when it comes to you. But I guess that's all I have to say to you Sonny. I love you so so much. I'll see you again next Sunday. Bye my sunshine."
I slowly back away from her grave with tears gently flowing down my cheeks. I miss her so much. And to think, so many years ago, we hated each other. The mere thought of hating her makes my stomach churn. I love her. And soon enough, I'll see her again.
But soon has never come so slowly.