Disclaimer: None of the characters or places referenced in this story belong to me.
Memory
Remus Lupin can't remember. When the sun sets and the full moon rises and he changes, he can't remember anything before the pain of the transformation. And looking back on it, maybe that's a good thing.
With the wolf's mind, he feels the pain of the change and the invisible bonds that tie him to the moon's power. He feels the physical pain of the cuts and scratches and bites he gives himself as he throws himself around his basement flat, away from his prey, away from the world, away from humanity. And if he could remember it, he would be so very glad that he can't remember the rest.
He'd be glad that he doesn't remember his friends. He doesn't remember how Sirius betrayed the Potters to Voldemort, how he killed Peter and all those muggles and how it just killed Remus inside to know that all that time he was at Hogwarts, he never really knew Sirius. He doesn't have to remember that James is dead and he's never coming back. He'll never be there with his hair a mess and his glasses askew, too cool to care, but as soon as no-one's looking, to friendly to care about being cool. He doesn't have to remember that Lily's gone too and their son, Harry must be all alone. He doesn't have to wonder about what's happening to the boy, doesn't have to feel guilty about being unable to offer to look after Harry due to his condition. He doesn't have to remember that Peter is gone and that he should have been there and he wasn't.
But he doesn't remember the times at school when his three best friends in the whole world would join him on nights like this and how he would feel a little bit more human, how he could almost enjoy those nights when the physical pain was the worst thing.
And when he wakes up the morning after, the world is all fuzzy and none of it makes much sense, but he can't help but feel that there should be other people around him when he wakes up. He doesn't remember waking up on the floor of the Shrieking Shack with Prongs standing guard in the doorway, Wormtail by the secret tunnel and Padfoot curled up against his chest, letting his physical presence comfort him because Sirius never really knew what to say in times like that.
Remus Lupin can't remember, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know someone should be there.
Thank you for reading! Please review!