Could it be any harder

by velja

Setting: Post "Chosen"

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Neither Spike nor Buffy belongs to me...

Pairing: Buffy/Spike

Summary: This little songfic contains Buffy's thoughts about Spike after the end. When the bus stops and they all stand watching the remains of Sunnydale. Written in Buffy's POV of cause.

Song: "Could it be any harder" written and performed by "The Calling"

I'd never thought it would end like this. To tell the truth, I'd never thought it would actually end at all. I'd never thought you would end.

Okay, that's so not true. I'm not stupid. I knew that someday you would eventually have to die. And in our first years? Well, killing you myself was what I wanted. But later...

...I'd never thought it would be me, the one of us to survive the other. That I would have to live without you someday. My life has been on the stake for so many years, why should it be different this time? Why should I have to go on and you...not?

It shouldn't have ended like this.

You left me with goodbye and open arms

A cut so deep I don't deserve

You were always invincible in my eyes

The only thing against us now is time

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day

There's so much I still wanna tell you, so much you deserve to finally hear.

Well, but I've never been good at words. Oh, no! That's not true. I've always been talking. I've been talking about duty and slaying and being strong and standing together. But I never talked about...us.

Even now that you're gone I struggle with words. I close my eyes and see your face before me. But...

I lie down and blind myself with laughter

A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing

And how I wish that I could turn back the hours

But I know I just don't have the power

Oh, how I wish I could talk to you now! You were always there to listen. You were there when I was mocking, when I was shouting, when I was laughing, when I was crying, when I was complaining, when I was resigning…

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you

Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true

If I only had one more day

I'd jump at the chance

We'd drink and we'd dance

And I'd listen close to your every word

As if it's your last, well I know it's your last

Cause today, oh, you're gone

Oh, if I'd known these past few days were our last. Our last few moments of peace. The night in the abandoned house, our moments in the kitchen, our night in the basement. Oh, I wish I'd said all the things I wanted to say to you.

Yeah, well, you're right. I did say something. In the kitchen I said you gave me the strength to get the scythe. And it's true. You gave me strength, you were my strength.

And down in the crater I said that I loved you. And you...you didn't believe me, did you?

No, and you had all the right to not believe me. I don't say that you were right, because you weren't. I did love you then and I do love you now. But it's not enough, is it? It's never enough just to love.

I should have made you believe me, I should have shown. I should have spoken sooner, and louder! Well, Spike, can you hear me now? I LOVE YOU!

Could it be any harder, could it be any harder

Could it be any harder to live my life without you

Could it be any harder, I'm all alone, I'm all alone

Like sand on my feet

The smell of sweet perfume

You stick to me forever

And I wish you didn't go

I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away

To touch you again

With life in your hands

It couldn't be any harder...harder...harder

I try not to cry when I think about you. It's hard but somehow it works. You wouldn't want me to cry for you, would you? Well, perhaps a bit, a few tears. But then you would come close to me. You would reach out your hand and wipe away the tears with a soft touch. And you would say: "Stop crying, Slayer. I'm just a bloody vampire who tries for once in his long unlife to do what's right. Do not spoil my hero-playing with your sweet tears, I don't deserve that!"

And you would be right, you do deserve much better than my tears. Or my love. You deserve everything.

And I would give it to you, if we only had one more day!

END