"It's just so nice to see your face and hear your voice again, partner." With drooping eyelids, Yosuke Hanamura gazed upon the face of his dear friend Yu Narukami. While he wished he could see his partners face in person, and not through a screen, he enjoyed the time they spend video chatting.
"You look tired Yosuke, has Teddie been too much of a handful for you?" Yu teased.
"No that's not it. It's just that final exams are coming up soon, and I'm also just stressed about finding the right college and figuring out what I want to do with my life." Yosuke shifted his eyes from Yu's face to the corner of the screen, the time read 11:38p.m. He sighed softly, not wanting to end the conversation too soon. They had already been talking for over two hours, yet he could still not find the courage to realize the goal he had set forth.
"Yosuke, try not to stress yourself out over it too much. Though I know that's easier said than done. You don't need a plan right away. I mean you have a steady job at Junes right now. Maybe you could stay there a little bit." Yu frowned, cursing the impersonality of the screen. He wished he could give a consoling pat on the back, or a ruffling of hair. For reasons he could not elaborate on, he perceived that Yosuke had been hiding something the whole conversation. However, with the knowledge of how Yosuke reacted poorly to being called out directly, Yu refrained from urging the topic.
"Well I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life soon. You know I want to get out of Inaba as soon as I can. I just want to go somewhere exciting. Now that college is on the horizon it seems more of a reality than a dream. But, unfortunately, my dad said he won't support me for college if I go undeclared. He said it would be a waste of money." Yosuke lowered his head on his desk and sighed.
"I'm sorry Yosuke. I wish I could offer you better advice."
"No it's okay. I need to figure out my own life you know? The fact that I still don't know what to do with it is pretty lame. I guess I'll just continue being a huge fucking disappointment. Like always." Yosuke's eyebrows furrowed. He looked at the clock once more and saw that five minutes passed. Once again he berated himself, and he anticipated the rescue from Yu.
"Yosuke, you know that's not true. You're a great guy and you always work so hard! Not everyone can have their whole life planned by the end of high school. It takes time to figure this stuff out! Just remember that I'm here for you, just as everyone else of our friends are." Yu's eyes lit up and he flashed a warm smile. Yosuke unconsciously reached toward the screen, but quickly recoiled his hand.
"Thanks Yu. You always know exactly what to say." Yosuke gave a wry smile and looked at the corner of the screen once more. If only he knew how to take control of the conversation. He kept waiting for the moment, but the moment evaded him. His own judgment betrayed every sense and thought. Each time he felt the fire in his stomach shoot up across his lungs and go directly into his heart, causing it to rapidly increase its rate, he swallowed hard, felt dizzy, and abandoned the words. In truth he felt too cowardly to act upon the feelings stirring inside. No words and no actions; as if the feeling fell into a void, unable to express itself.
"Oh wow! It's almost midnight! It's so easy to lose track of time whenever we get a chance to talk." Yu spoke with a light and elegant tone. His voice warmed the hearts of all those he came into contact with.
"Wait!" Yosuke's voice cracked. He blushed at his sudden outburst. "I-uh…wanted to tell you something."
"Yosuke, it's almost midnight, can't it wait for the next time we chat?" Yu laughed innocently. He raised one eyebrow and gave Yosuke a teasing yet good humored look. Crossing his arms he said, "How can either of us get our beauty sleep if we always stay up chatting this late?"
"Never mind I guess." Letting out a subconscious laugh, Yosuke tried to hide his disappointment.
"No…what did you want to say?" Yu uncrossed his arms. His eyebrows raised sympathetically, and he now focused on Yosuke's flushed face.
"I uh…" Yosuke's voice trailed off. "Well, you see there's something I wanted to explain to you…uh. Well." His voice shook, he looked at Yu through the screen and saw the boy's reassuring smile. How glorious it would be to be held by him and be close to him and feel him and smell him and be one and alone and together and forever and ever the world would be theirs. That smile that had gotten him through countless ordeals. That smile had lifted his spirit and ushered him out of the deepest pits of despair. "I'm bisexual Yu." The words ejected themselves out his mouth. His own eyes widened at the phrase. Atlas had removed the weight of the world, but only half.
"I'm glad you could share your secret with me." Yu said with a pleasant smile. "I must say I'm a little surprised, since you can be so perverted when talking about girls. But, if you never felt comfortable enough to talk about your attraction for boys, then I really can't blame you. Also, you do have the struggle of explaining to people that you aren't gay…since so many people like to pretend bisexuality is a phase." Yu lowered his eyelids and took in a deep breath. He understood the struggles Yosuke would have to face if he planned to come out to more people. Yu himself, being pansexual, sometimes struggled with public opinion and feeling valid.
"I know, it's so annoying!" Eyes widening, and passion flaring, Yosuke arose from his sulky state. "I mean if I date a girl people assume I'm straight and that's it. If I say I'm attracted to a boy people will just call me gay! I already hear it now, the people who will tell me, 'oh just make up your mind already!' Like excuse me? Aren't I allowed to be attracted to whoever I want?"
"I completely understand what you mean! Whenever I tell people I'm pan their first response is always 'what is that?' Then when I explain it to them they ask me if I'm straight or gay and I'm just like 'no I'm pan!' It's frustrating how every decision we make is placed in a box. Personally I don't think anyone is 100% anything. Try saying that to a straight boy with his fragile masculinity though." Both boys laughed and felt as If they were in the same room. The awkward air that suffocated Yosuke dissipated and he felt at ease. Yu stretched out his left arm and placed his right hand over his mouth to cover the somnolent yawn. His eyelids lowered and he smiled at Yosuke. Any longer and he might fall asleep at his desk. "Well Yosuke, we should continue this conversation later. I'm feeling really tired and-"
"Wait, there's still something else I have to tell you." Looking helplessly at the screen, Yosuke felt courage to continue when he saw Yu give him a tired nod of recognition. "Yu, we've been through so much in the past year. I mean all of the shit we went through, no one would believe it. Everyone misses you of course, but each night you're gone I can't help but think about you. I wish you were here. Each day I curse myself because I wasn't brave enough to tell you when you were here."
"Brave enough to tell me what Yosuke?"
"To tell you that I have feelings for you! For god's sake I always thought I was straight as an arrow! When you stayed in Inaba I swallowed the feelings, I didn't understand them. But the moment you left my mind wouldn't let you go. There's a feeling in my heart when I think about you, and I know it's stronger than just being a friendship. I want you as a lover! I want to hold you and be the one to make you happy! I want to share a life with you and I want to be in a relationship! I think I love you. I honestly do, no one has ever made me feel more special than you. No one has ever helped me understand myself more than you! Yu! I love you. I love you a lot. An online video chat is such a stupid place to reveal this, but I can't hide it anymore!" The final weight had been lifted. His heart fell out his body and now rested on the computer desk, waiting eagerly for Yu to pick it up. A cold chill ran up Yosuke's spine and he made a slight spasm. Sullen eyes looked upon the face of the boy on the other side of the screen. With each second of silence Yosuke felt the pangs of despair grip onto his heart. Fight off these thoughts fight off the thoughts of failure and rejection. Oh good god he still hasn't said anything but this is a lot to process and he needs time to think. How can he ever respond to that stupid idiot I am dear lord what an awful mistake these feelings were meant to be hidden and there is no chance that he can really feel the same way. Unable to look at the face of Yu, Yosuke retreated his gaze to his fingers. He began to examine his recently trimmed nails. He'd scratched his own face when they were too long. An idiot hurts themselves and knows not why, a fool knows what causes the pain and continues to hurt themselves. The irrational and incomprehensible sensation of love should have been clipped away. A whole minute passed. Yosuke kept his head down.
"Yosuke, I don't know what to say." Yu's mind raced before him, unable to grasp any thoughts he only let out a loud sigh. Midnight, the time, midnight. No thoughts came forward nothing could be formulated. Blank, all blank. Action required. What to do? How? React? Do something. Brain. Do something. Yosuke such a dear and close friend. Could he be anymore? Lovers? Possible? Tired. So tired. So late almost midnight by god he said he loved me but do I love him in that way? "I have to go. I have to go to bed it's late. In the morning. I'll talk to you in the morning."
"Wait please no! Give me some form of an answer! Yes or no! I can't bare the night without an answer! At least let me know if I'm a fool! Have I ruined our friendship have I scared you have I made you feel uncomfortable! Please give me some form of an answer! Please Yu! I beg of you!" Yosuke's voice cracked out and he began to choke on tears. His raspy voice broke out in sheer desperation. Yu left him with no response. A knife stabbed straight through Yosuke's heart when he saw Yu's face disappear. All he saw now on the screen was the words "Call ended." Well it might as well say life ended. Love ended. Chances ended. Friendship ended.
Yosuke weakly held himself up and walked over to his bed. He fell hard and buried his face in his pillow. Bitter sobs and cries filled the silence in the room. Of course there was no chance at all and of course someone as amazing and charismatic and kind and oh dear lord of course Yu would never ever think of me in this way and what a fool I am for sure to have thought the conclusion could have been any different. Tomorrow is a new day dear god my fucking shit I will be alone and go to Junes and work and go to school and continue this dull existence. Dear god oh dear god what a fool what a damn fool. Look around gather around look at this clown right before you all! The king of disappointed. Direct your eyes, laughter, and scorn to center stage please. Take a look world, at the fool who loved and lost. Not everyone's a winner. There are those who get the boy and those who remain alone. Fairs fair how foul this world. Never would he get the boy or the girl or anyone. When I first took these feelings for Yu seriously I bugged out there's no way that I can be in love with a guy but he is different and makes me feel so special and good. Fuck I still like girls and still think they're hot, but I'm attracted to Yu and maybe I'm not just straight and I know I'm not gay but the possibility of bisexuality exists. There has not been another guy however, just Yu. The only guy for my eye. It felt foolish, destroy this feeling begone from my mind. Get away go begone. Never would have ever worked out never but it would have been nice. It would have been nice to feel his love. To experience something new, something real. For no feeling in my life has ever felt truer than the love I feel for him!
…
Sleep will not be coming tonight, no not at all. This headache doesn't help anything. I should have told him that I had a headache I should have said something but no instead I just didn't say a word or I couldn't think of something. What could I have said? He said that he loved me. He said that he liked me he said that he wanted to be with me and more than friends. Share a life be in a relationship. Not the first confession I received and maybe not the last. So many have confessed, so many have professed love. In fact the whole friend group at some point has, minus Kanji however but I still think he's a late bloomer but by god even Naoto had told me once that she had loved me. Yukiko once too, but I always knew her and Chie had something going on but still the fact of the fact is that so many people have confessed love to me but I'm just a regular guy living a regular life. Nothing makes me special nothing makes me different from any other guy. Why should I deserve all of the love from people? Even Rise, that was fun. We had good times but her work as an idol became too much and she actually broke it off with me and I wonder what would Dojima think would he be okay with the idea of me dating a boy? I never had considered his opinions before and I'm not too sure if he is accepting but Nanako would accept me and that would be okay too and eventually she would get Dojima to be comfortable with it if he wouldn't be uncomfortable at first. Uncomfortable. This sleeping position maybe if I turn to the other side or fluff up the pillow a bit that would help but I completely blanked out on him and didn't have a reason why and I still don't know why I shut down like that maybe because I have hid it for a while too. Yes, I had fallen for Yosuke way back when during our journey but he felt so much pain over Saki that he had to grieve for her and who was I to move in? I always thought him to be straight and only straight yet he shared that he was bisexual but only because of his strong attractions toward me? Perhaps his feelings for me were so strong that he couldn't just consider himself just straight but I personally don't believe anyone is just straight but they won't admit it I'm sure. I have been comfortable with myself for a while with being pansexual. Why stress so much on who the person is when you can find someone anybody to love and share memories with. Yet it's hard to come out to people as pan because either I'm not gay enough or some garbage like that as if there is a contest to be the gayest in the community and I find it funny how gay becomes a default umbrella term but I say if you want to be called something than only you can decide what you want to be called and other people ought to respect that I think. If I'm in a relationship with a girl they will say I'm straight if I'm with Yosuke they'll say I'm gay and then I'll explain no I'm pan and then they'll blink and be like well pick a side or you're confused or then they might act like they support bi people all of the sudden but will turn around and do the same to them. Pick a team well what if I don't want to pick and choose and who said that there were rules and people have boxed themselves up so much that they cannot function without a category and my head oh this headache is a real bitch.
Partner huh well he has been there for me so many times and I have been there for him and I assumed him to be straight so I blocked the thought of loving him in a deeper way because it would have been too painful to want the unobtainable. What a heartfelt confession and I just left him with no words because I couldn't think because I thought it a joke because in truth this is what I wanted this is what I wanted to hear all along and I do love him and we have been through so much together and solving so many crimes and we saw everyone's shadows and he always stood by my side offering support and I stood by his side too as the shoulder for him to cry on because we supported each other and I support him and if he wants to be with me and I want to be with him than why shouldn't we do it? Why not? Why not try? Why not give it a chance the two of us could be the happiest and in all the world they would never have seen such a beautiful pair. I'm a fool indeed I can't believe I just sat there with no words. I never ever have ever never ever thought it ever possible to ever possibly happen though because I thought it only something to happen in dreams. Dreams, yes I only dreamed that he would feel the same way that I felt about him. A dream that has become a reality and for the first time in my life I think that I would much rather live in the reality than the fantasy. If I could go back and not act like I did and if only I didn't just sit there and I need to make things right and tell him how I feel too because I love Yosuke and I want to be with Yosuke but I never thought he thought of me in that way and how funny and strange it is but I feel a new sense of passion and I want him and desire him and I want to love him and I want the world to know that we are together. Yosuke I love you I do and I will come to you and we shall join as one and live happily and wait for me because I love you I truly do love you so deeply I love you and I just want to love you and tell you that you are the one that I want to be with and that I love you and love you and love you and love and love and love and we shall be happy and I shall love you and you will love me and we will love each other and you and me and Yosuke and I love and love you I love you.
Two boys fell asleep that night in separate beds. One felt the pain of rejection and one felt the need to shower the other with acceptance. One boy feared the morning and thought the next day would be a dreadful trudge. The other felt the new day would be exciting and fresh and that his mind would be clear. Both held the same feeling, but both couldn't conceive each other's realizations. One disappointed and one feeling new. He with excitement would shine upon he with gloom. He with gloom would soon bloom with new love, but as the night continued the pain of not knowing would not be erased.
The morning arrived just as any other, and the sun rose as expected. Yu jumped out of bed and got dressed in a hurry. He had no intention of going to school and he left the house without saying a word to his parents. He rushed to the train station and looked up the time for the next train leaving for YasoInaba. His heart fluttered and beat faster than he had ever known possible. The sun shined on his gray eyes and they shimmed with a twinkle of hope. He would go to Inaba and find Yosuke and he would tell Yosuke yes. He would accept the confession and walk forward with Yosuke into the unknown. The train arrived and Yu stepped on the platform. The new day shone bright and offered new chances to be seized. The boy smiled, feeling the fullness and splendor of life and possibility. He sat at his seat and closed his eyes. In his mind's eye he envisioned Yosuke's face. Holding his hand to his heart, he knew that the moment he saw Yosuke that he would greet him by saying, "I love you too."