Dear Mr J. Diggle,
We would like to wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas or Holidays or Hanukah or Winter Solstice or whatever it is you celebrate this time of year because, as an insurance company we don't discriminate. We would like to start this letter by noting that you served your country admirably in both Iraq and Afghanistan and would like to take this time to thank you for your service for your country.
Unfortunately, this letter is not particularly pleasant to write, but as an insurance company for those within bodyguards or policing lines of work, we have to keep an eye on particular jobs where there is an ever increasing threat to life and livelihood. Going through our files, we would like to note that while you do not often hire bodyguards, preferring to do the job by yourself, we want to make a note that on the instances where you have, all if not many of the bodyguards have lost their lives.
The last time you decided to use bodyguards, you used former Marines, as such you didn't pay completely for health and safety purposes. While we have been informed that you were also kidnapped, all of those soldiers that you have contracted out for, were murdered. As a result we have had to write countless condolence letters. A result of which has been threats of legal action, which we will have to meet along with you. And while we recognise that you in no form murder them yourself, you will have to appear alongside us in a court of law.
As a result of this, we regret to inform you that any bodyguards you hire from our company from here on out, the insurance rates from here on out will go up.
Hoping you continue to use our company,
Miss Miriam Jotsky.