Year- Approximately 1550
I have been serving Milord Shingen for what feels like an eternity. But, in reality, no more than two years. Originally, I came here to take my brother's place, and I had seen it as sacrifice for myself, and to protect him. But, it has become less and less for him, and more for myself.
I was, at first, merely a poison taster- A sad job, in which I felt I could lose my life at any moment at the hands of another upset with Milord. But, it was short lived. Lord Shingen is quite an... Interesting man. It seemed my cooking talents were noticed and brought me into his inner circle, it would seem. I cook for him, and I am held in high esteem by those in the castle, cooking meals for all.
When it was found out that I was a woman, surely there were those that were angry. Or, those who saw little problem, likely figuring such. However- It was Lord Shingen who rejected the notion of me being traitorous, which was threatened in my name by those more spiteful of my gender. Surely, it was a painful thought, their words, but certainly anything but true.
I know, over the time we grew closer, that I had fallen for Milord. There were times when I would think of going to his room, and bringing him something. Something to eat, but offer my affections. I never did though, as I spoke to Kansuke about my troubles. Milord's right hand man, a dear friend of mine and a kind soul. He, most obviously, knew of my feelings to 'Harunobu'. He was well aware.
However, he was the one to warn me, in a gingerly way, how Milord is. Ah- I know. Quite the frivolous man. Always in the company of a lady. Ones more different than I. Gorgeous, curvaceous women. I know I am none to compare, not nearly worthy the touch of the Lord of the Takeda clan. Even if I wished to be.
I know it is not my destiny. I would never expect myself to hold his large, calloused hands in my own. Nor feel his touch. His sweet lips on my own. A commoner is certainly not even allowed to think of being in the same close proximity of Milord, or any Lord, of that matter. It is Kansuke who helps me with that, he gives me something to smile about.
Surely, I had always hoped to find myself held by him. To feel him on my body. In my body. I feel sad that I love no other. Because, maybe then, I could feel the love, pleasure I desire. But- I suppose suffering that bittersweet ache is enough for my heart.
I sometimes find myself alone in my room at night, burying my face into my bedding as I relieve myself. I, and trust me, this was rather hard to do, researched a few ways to feel at least an ounce of pleasure for myself.
I had always hoped that, like I sometimes dreamt of doing for him, Lord Shingen would stand outside my room and contemplate knocking. Contemplate seeking me out. And, how I wished it would be when I was pleasuring myself to the thought of him, whining against my bedding. My poor robe wouldn't even be near me. Even though I wished for that-
It would never happen.
It had been like this for many months. Me dreaming for such a thing, all the while my words and actions respected the words of Kansuke. He really was right. I swear, Shingen sees me as no more than one of his pages. Not that I have an issue with that. At least, I'm close enough. I feel, however- I would be more in pain if he had moved me to a position away from him. I am heartbroken, yes- but that'd be much worse.
I have, actually, seen him take ladies into his room, especially when I wanted to speak with him. Maybe even confess. He feeling the same? It was such a funny thought. Lord Shingen is the type of man, I feel, who can not be held down to a single woman. And, surely not one of my caliber. I mean, for the time, I make a great wife. I've been told. Kind, loyal, handy, beautiful- great at both cooking and chores. But, I see that was never what it meant to gain the heart of the man I desire.
And, in all honesty, I hold no malice to that thought. I just dance around, a small smile shielding the pain of my true feelings. Kansuke, too, shared enough of the burden for me. Shielded me from it, as well. He'll share tea with me, and listen to me when I feel sad. It is nice to have a friend like him. A mutual close friend to Lord Shingen, however- I feel as if I am so close to him, yet so far. A dramatic illusion, it seems.
It's not uncommon for me to visit Milord, per his orders. Sometimes he asks for tea, sometimes for food, sometimes for company, or even he asks me to help him with his work. I am glad he, at least, counts on me. Just a little. I was never really told how Milord holds me, but it seems it is not in a romantic light, that is for sure.
Today, he has asked a similar favor of me. For me to come to his room. And, after being asked, I can not deny that I will help, and soon enough, I am on my way. It is unknown to me, at the moment, what I am desired for, but I go anyway.
The way my wooden sandals clap against the hall copies my heart. My hair tied up in a simple bun, just like the sleeves of my hakama. As I had just finished with doing the dishes from lunch. I sort of like doing the dishes, something about cleaning the whole clan-load of dishes is calming. Hard to explain. It gives me... pause and allows my mind to ease.
"Milord." After getting to my knees in front of the door and I bow, calling to him from my spot. I am so used to doing this, that my knees to the hardwood feel nothing. Ease. His thick, soothing, and attractive voice calls to me, and I feel my stomach twirl and curl in pleasure. Ah- How I wish that wasn't just a work related or platonic voice. I wish he spoke to me the way he does with the women he brings to his room.
"Ah- Yuki. I'm glad you're here." When I stand to my feet and open the door, gingerly, he is there. His room seems in the same order as usual, his bedding only slightly disarray. However, he sits there, by a small table, his yukata open and down. Still tied at his waist, even the sleeves and top hang with the rest. His swords and knife, still sheathed, lay a few feet away. And, at his side, another woman. He smiles at me, but my heart just stops beating and aches in a deep burn.
"Yes, Milord. What can I help you with?" Though I ask so clearly, I am sure that if I had let myself go, even a fraction of a bit- I would break down. Ah, that was torture. Kansuke is the only one who can ease me, since Milord won't. It feels like the world is forever pinning things against me.
"Well, I would like you to prepare me some hot sake. As well as some Kinako-mochi." The way his deep voice asks with such a kind smile is enough to stop my heart. I want to cry. I feel myself suck in a breath to make sure my heart keeps up its work. "Enough for both of us, please." He adds, hinting at the woman at his side. However, his eyes do not leave my own. Can he feel what I feel?
Oh, how much I hoped he could. Just to feel my pain, or my undying love for him. My unrequited, one-sided affection for Milord. His eyes, it feels, search mine, desperate for the feelings I hold. A knowing look. I do not believe I let anything go. I feel as if the woman at his side has noticed our gaze, I know I have noticed how intently he looks at me.
"Of course, Milord." I answer, breaking our gaze as I bow instead. A formal bow, closing my eyes to force tears back. Just in case. And, I stand back straight, bearing a fake smile to them both. "I'll be back-" My voice comes out as close to how it should be as I can get it, matching my fake smile. I give another softer bow, this time. "Milord... Milady." I figure she is no more than a prostitute, but I hold her in high esteem, being able to be in his favored gaze. She is a goddess, compared to I.
And, with that, I slip out of the room. Hot Sake and Kinako-mochi. Ah, his favorite dessert and an intoxicating beverage- How deserving of an afternoon, evening, and night with Milord. I keep my smile as I close the door and start down the hall, all the way to the kitchen. I am alone, when I get there, and I am glad. Alone.
I prepare the Kinako-Mochi, slowly and gingerly. Hoping to get the perfect flavor out, just for Milord. And, to make it all the more perfect, I had a small sprinkle of sugar, extra, to get that sweetness I know he secretly craves. I notice the way his eyes light up as he eats my cooking, it is enough to take the place of his affections, to ease me.
Once I have a moment, I start to heat the Sake, and let myself relax. I can't begin to explain how my heart aches. A deep burn, slowing my heartbeat. It was so teasing to seem him there with a woman. Was he doing that to me on purpose Showing his lover to me as if a prize? A slap to the face about how I will never be the one in his arms. Ah...
I reach my fingers up to my face, feeling tears sliding down my cheeks. A soft 'tick tick tick' hitting the floor as more droplets leave my face. Ah... I'm crying. A small sniffle leaves me, and I take a deep breath, hoping to keep myself from suffering so openly. No- I shouldn't cry. And, after another sniffle, I rub away the tears, enough to see that Kansuke is in the doorway, a knowing frown at his lips.
"Yuki... What has Harunobu done this time to ail your heart?" His soft, impassive voice asks me. But, as stoic as his tone may be, I know how to feel all his emotions, just from the soft looks. He steps closer to me, from the kitchen doorway, and in front of me.
"Nothing-" Of course he did nothing, it was my interpretation of his actions. Nothing he did to me was meant to harm. "He didn't do anything." I answer again, and when I look up, though slightly teary, to Kansuke, the look on his face as he looks down to me is so knowing I can't help myself to speak again. "He called me to his room. Like usual, you know- It was different this time, though- He was topless, his yukata undone expect for at his waist. And, he had a woman with him- was all- I was-"
"I understand." Kansuke spoke again, and while I feel myself want to make a small cry at the thought. As if he was teasing me with my existence, I still serve him as if my feelings were nonexistent. "Harunobu can be a little dense sometimes." Was all he told me, looping his arms around my waist and pulling me to his chest. I am thankful for his comfort.
He holds me for a moment or two, enough to allow me to calm my nerves. And, when the food is ready, I separate us, even if he knows, and I know as well, it is far too early to. I need his comfort still, but I shake it off, and take the food, making my way back to Milord's room.
"Milord?" I call to him once more, holding the tray gingerly in my hands. Two plates of Kinako-mochi, as well as more. Along with a full set for the Sake. I am unsure if I have wiped my cheeks of tears or stains of such, but the food comes first. Milord comes first. And, again, he calls to me.
"Yuki? Do come in." He calls and I can hear the smile in his voice. I do as he asks, though slightly awkwardly, opening the door and moving inside. I set the tray down, leaving the door open as I will be leaving in a moment. Any moment. The woman is still at his side, a smile on her face as they have been awarded with food, it resting carefully on the tray. I look to her a moment, giving her a soft smile.
It was my way of giving her a 'you're welcome' for the food. I expect no 'thank you', nor praise. It is my job. She looks to me, but looks to Milord, her gaze faltering. And, when I look up, his gaze is on me. As it has been. My heart skips a beat, unable to find thoughts to complete the circle here. I hold his gaze for a moment, and his is on mine. When I feel another on me, that of the lady in his slight grasp, I break our contact and look to she.
"Ah. Well, I shall leave you to it." I announce, moving my gaze to the floor as I now stand to my feet. "Please, excuse me, Milord." I tell him gingerly, giving him another smile- though faked, as I stand fully and make my way out the room. I can feel his eyes on me still, and as I look back to him, he looks like he is about to say something. "I'll be back to pick up the dishes around dinner time. Leave them by the door, if you wish. 'Til then."
And, then I leave, shutting off his gaze as I shut the door. Cutting it short, off from me. But, that doesn't mean I don't crave it. I must have something on my clothes, that is why he stares at me so intently. Ah. Maybe some dirt or flour dirtying my outfit. With that notion, I go on, letting my aching pain continue.
I even pass Kansuke in the hall, but with my thoughts I pay him little mind and move towards my room. I need some privacy. After closing my door, I feel an overwhelming wave of insecurity, falling to my bare knees as I finally allow a sob to croak from my throat. I hate being teased that way in front of Milord. If only he knew what those actions do to me. His gaze- If only it was loving.
If only.
I was able to spend my afternoon alone, able to soothe my pain. And, by the time of dinner, or, at least, what should be the time when I start cooking, I get up and leave my room. Stop One, Milord's room to pick up the dishes. When I arrive, however, the door is shut with the dishes in front of the door. I can hear the pleasured sounds, and shiver in pain. Lucky her.
A small, fake smile tinges at my lips, my pain taking place in a small smile. And, I nod to myself, picking up the dishes and tray, before starting to the kitchen. And, though my pain, I still am able to clean up, then prepare dinner. It is soon served, and my evening goes by in a painful but familiar blur. It was... normal. I suppose. No different than any other.
And, my night moves on no different. I make it to take a bath, cleaning myself, before going to my room, getting into my bedding robe. I should be heading off to bed... I look out the window, at the summer moon. Soon... As I prep my room, there is a knock at the door. I get up and see what it is, it's Kansuke.
"Harunobu has told me he wishes to have an audience with you." Kansuke tells me, then pausing silently to look at what I wear. My bed clothes. He is in his, it seems he, too, is readying for bed. And, he must also understand the surprising notion of being asked for at this hour.
"Oh?" I ask him, but nod, moving to slip on my sandals. "I'll go see what he needs then." I say simply, closing my bedroom door as I move into the hall besides him. He only nods, giving me a slightly skeptic look. But, it is all the same. He walks with me to Milord's room, announcing that he brought me.
"Kansuke? Let her in." He calls, and he does just that. I am let in, and while the door is open, Kansuke holding a gaze with Milord, the male behind me closes the door, with what I can assume was a frown and a nod. "Good evening, Yuki." He greets me. "Good evening, Milord. What is it that I can do for you, at this hour?" I ask, and bow softly to him. I notice that his lady from earlier is no longer in the room with him, it is just he. He is in his bed clothes, sitting there and looking right at me. I can see his contemplating look, as his eyes skim over my body. "I apologize for my attire, I was just about to go to bed." I add, apologizing for wearing my sleepwear in front of him as I was asked to show up. He does nothing but smile at my words, ah- was that not the problem? From my feet, which are slightly dirtied from my sandals, to my ankles. My body covered by my sleeping robe. To my torso and chest- to my neck. And jaw. My lips- And, then my eyes, I holding his gaze. Would the word be lustful? How is he still lusting anything at this moment? Being he just had a woman. "Yuki." "Yes, Milord?" When he calls me, I look to him, slightly surprised to see him holding his hand out for me to grasp. What? "I-" "Come here." He adds now, looking to me with such a sweet gaze. And, though I am more than nervous, I nod, stepping forward. My hand cautiously grasps his back, and he smiles as I do. As soon as my hand touches his, he pulls me to him, and into his arms. So quick- "I-" I am not too sure what to say at the moment. I sit in his lap, as per his movements, he gingerly brushing my hair away at my ear, pushing it behind my ear. "I don't think this is appropriate, Milord." I speak out, going against my heart, and speaking logically. I am his page, his cook- why would he want me in his lap? "And, why is it inappropriate, hmm?" He asks me, his voice a deep whisper in my ear. I hadn't realized he was that close, his tongue ghosting over my ear lobe. I feel a shiver at my spine, and wrench myself away from the feeling. I don't like how it causes me to shiver. I want to be away from this. It feels wrong. "Ah- And, here I thought you'd be the one, most of all, to want me." He reacts to my movements away from him. Is he... sad? "Be- Because!" I answer quickly to his question, stiffening as he speaks to me. And, here he thought I'd the be one, most of all, to want him? My heart skips a beat, but I shake my head. How would he know this? I say nothing on my thoughts and respond to him. "Milord, this is really not appropriate." I answer again, moving to slip out of his grasp. Just as I stand, however, his arms loop my waist and pull me to his lap. "Now, my doll, that is not fair. Now is it?" He asks me softly, his voice still a deep, beautiful whisper. How he speaks to me is- Painful. "Do you not wish to be in my arms, Yuki?" He asks me, and now, I am left to choose. I can be honest. Or, I can be realistic. "I'm not answering that-" I tell him, setting my hands to his wrists and wrenching him from my waist. Finally, I am out of his grasp. It seems he did not put up much of a fight. I crawl a few feet from him, now looking at him. There's a sad look in his eyes, just for a moment, though a smile on his lips. Still, isn't it looking more... sullen? "Ah- I'm surprised, a woman who doesn't want to be in my arms-" He mutters, slightly to himself, it holding a mellow, but somber feel. He sounds sad. A light laugh left his lips. "And, here I thought Kansuke never lies to me..." What did that mean? I snap my head to look at him more fiercely, giving him a look of shock and curiosity. He looks at me, those amber eyes lit with a desperate fire, yet, it seems not as fierce as usual, more- extinguished. "What is that supposed to mean?" I question him quickly, shifting to my feet. Kansuke never lies to him? What in the world? Did he- "I had asked him if Yuki loved me. He said she did." He spoke of me, obviously, nodding his head to himself. Though, his sad eyes met mine, looking to me. "Was he lying?" My heart pounds. I don't want to answer that. I don't want to answer that. I don't want to answer that. I can't answer that. I can not tell him I love him. It would... As much as I dreamed of being snuggled in his arms, as he kisses me goodnight. As much as I dreamed of my grinning lord kissing my pregnant belly as we sat together on the veranda- None of which I thought would come true. I don't answer him, instead, I turn to the door. I'm already halfway there. I'm on my feet. And, I start walking to the door. "Yuki!" Lord Shingen calls louder for me, making me stop, and glance cautiously towards him. "Was he lying...?" He asks me, and I say nothing, looking back to the door. "Do you love me?" When I shyly look to him, he is standing, looking to me with a seemingly desperate look. "I'm not answering that." I tell him, hoping to keep our relationship same as it's always been. You have ladies to find comfort in, Milord. There is no need to abuse my feelings for the same. He frowns at me, stepping towards me. "Yuki..." He mutters, his hand, now, carefully resting on my shoulder. I look at him, not sure how to react to the look on his face. He does look sad. Sullen. Dismal. Depressed. Why...? "Why do you look sad?" I ask him, genuinely curious. This should have nothing to do with me, right? "Because I thought Yuki loved me." He tells me gingerly, a small, sad smile tugging at his lips. "I guess you don't, ah-" He nods, looking as if he feels stupid for saying such to me. Like he had overstepped his bounds. "Earlier... I-" I didn't mean to cut him off, but I can't help the sadness in his face any longer. Why would he be upset I didn't love him, unless he loved me, right? I hoped so, but I took a leap of faith anyway. "No." "What?" He was surprised by me randomly speaking up now. "You asked if Kansuke lied. The answer is 'no'." I answer him, looking to the ground, instead. And, as soon as I do, I feel his finger underneath my chin, guiding my gaze up again. His look was almost like a childish glimmer. "Oh?" Lord Shingen asks me, leaning a bit closer to inspect my face and look at me. "He didn't lie? Then... You love me...?" He asks me, raising a brow. "I do-" I answer honestly, but before he can do anything, I think and speak intelligently. I won't let my heart have the reigns here. "I do have feelings for you, ones I should not have for Milord. However- I do not wish for my feelings to be the spur for the late night rendezvous that you were hoping for. I would rather live on in one-side love, feeling the pain of your love elsewhere, than be used to fuel your desire." I tell him. And, he is wide-eyed, seemingly surprised I responded in such a way. "I only tell you in hope of mutual feelings. If I'm alone in true feelings of love, then- I wish for our conversation to be forgotten." "Yuki..." My name leaves his lips once more, and I can't began to explain how my heart reacts. Skipping a beat here and there, as if a happy child, running to and fro. Though my heart's excitement, I do my best to seem calm on the outside. "It is such a shame you think of me in such a way..." I frown at his own frown, my eyes holding his amber gaze. "I only feel that way because..." My tongue licks my lips, trying to soothe the dry feeling in my throat, causing an ache in me. One that makes it harder to speak. But, I still overcome it, knowing this is something I HAVE to voice. "... of how life goes on in the castle. I feel I would be used- from rumors, and seeing you with women day in and day out... no woman in her right mind would feel confident in such a way..." I tell him, and I can see he is about to say something, but I shake my head and continue. "My feelings do, indeed, exist. But, never will they get in the way of serving Milord." I add, making a quick swallow of saliva to keep myself from choking on the dry ache slithering up my throat. "I would not, without inhibition, be able to accept a relationship with you, Milord... Because of all I see..." I can see the look on his face, a normally sexually active man- One used to having women fall at his feet, being the highest power, with nearly everything- surely is not used to being told 'no'. Nor, would he truly understand me... "Not only would it be inappropriate based about class..." Ah, our class difference was one thing that always told me it was to be one-sided. And, it made it easier to understand. I love him, yes, but I know the difference between us. To me, it was no different than looking at the capitol building and imagining that the men inside were the apple of my eye. The obvious gap is evil, but- there, indeed. "But... I am a servant to Milord, never will I be able to stand on the same level as a samurai's wife. Something that I am not. "I do not take it as an insult, but more of a dose of reality." I tell him, feeling his eyes on me as I speak, sometimes dodging his gaze. I speak honestly, that much should be obvious. But, the rush I feel... being this close to my love, being in his arms was oh-so sweet, but basically telling him that I would rather be loving him unrequited, than in his embrace, with the likelihood of being heartbroken is... Ah. I feel bad for him. Does he love me? I wish... "A dose of reality I accept. It keeps me calm, and helps me do my job. "Because I know that I could go on loving you, and though, at times, it breaks me... it won't affect my job. I can go on working for you, just as always, close to you. Helping you. As long as you find me useful enough to ask on, I am happy. Though I love you, and it affects my heart, I can help you day in and day out, without harming you. If you don't know, then why should it matter? Yes? I should care for my feelings, but I would rather make it better for you. As, that is what I signed up for and promised when I started this job. "That, no matter the circumstance, I would serve Milord the best I can." As I speak to him, I can see the painful look in his eyes. Ah... Have I broken Milord's heart, what kind of person am I? "I know I would always desire being more than a servant, but I know it is a desire. Not truth. Nor, my right." I gulp down more saliva, feeling my throat a little dry. "Milord, it is not my right, nor ever in my sight to be anymore than your humble servant." The pain in his eyes is... the worst thing ever. I'm sorry, Milord. "Why should I believe to be more? "I do not believe myself, either, to compete with any of the women you've held thus far, anyway. Beautiful women that are easily perfect for Milord in everyway... Enough so, because I know there is a far larger gap between they and I." I drop my gaze, looking towards the door once more, a sad smile tugging at my lips. "I know, at times, it is the most painful thing to see someone else in your arms, as my heart always wishes I could be the one you chose to keep at your side... I, however... Respect every woman close to you, because they were enough to earn your love." "Yuki." Now he finally responds to me, though... I do notice that I had dominated a lot of that conversation. It wasn't nearly fair to him. His voice, it is not as flirtatious as his deep, soothing, and handsome voice usually is. It was... broken. There is the smallest gap between us, I know, and he steps closer to me. I can feel him grow closer. Until- His arms are around my waist, and I feel his lips at my neck. My breath hitches, and I want to exclaim to stop him but he stops me before I can. "How can you expect me to standby after all that you have told me? "How do you expect me to be alright knowing I am causing the woman I love pain?" I shudder at his words, feeling his hot breath tickling my neck. The woman he loves? I wish so much that I misheard him. He seems to respect my boundaries, as to not force me in anyway sexually. However, he still has his arms looped around my waist, and his lips at my neck and shoulder. The soft kisses, as if my skin is made of porcelain and any rougher would shatter me. I can't answer him, I don't know how. "You say you'd be fine in a one-sided, painful love... Knowing I would never love you... You work for me with a smile hiding your pain and love, as I shatter your heart... You speak of knowing we would never be the same class, the same... How you know you would never be worthy of a samurai's wife, or mine... And, that the women I busy myself with are more of a treasure than yourself..." He mentions all that I have, and I close my eyes as if agreeing with him silently, I can feel that he noticed. "And, you expect me to be alright once I hear all this...? I can't standby with you feeling this way. "I can't let you suffer this way." He tells me to earnestly. Ah, I should have never told you anything, Milord. If I said nothing, he would go on oblivious to how I feel. And, that'd be okay. He, however, does not feel the same. "Yuki..." I open my eyes as he calls me again, and look to him, he now standing straight in front me. I do hate, however, the fact I have to look up, he is rather tall. "I want to keep you from suffering... Your feelings are not one-sided." He pauses, looking me in the eyes. "I love you." "Milord..." I, however, only pause. What to say, what to say? What is the right thing to say here? What can I say that will cradle his heart, in the most romantic way. The way a lover should? "Then, if you loved me... why would you go on seeing and sleeping with women, every day... And, sometimes in front of my face...?" I asked him. And, well- I did the exact opposite of cradle him. "I-" Ah, it is the first time I have seen Milord genuinely tongue-tied. It is a surprise, but if he has no excuse- This is another reason why I never mentioned my feelings, I am face to face with the fact he would have a hard time finding an excuse for his overly sexual nature. He always has a woman with him, staying the night and sleeping with him. Or, just- sleeping with him during the day. And, today was proof that he did so in front of my face- Not that this is the time of equal love. I know, in the samurai world, to marry for love- it was a joke, almost. Everything is stratgeic. It all has a purpose. To assume I would, while staying here in the castle, find a love- a true one, and marry them- was so unlikely that I never thought much on it. Never felt it would happen. When I did think of it, it was a dream. No more. So, I firmly expected this all. I give him another glance, seeing he seems to be having trouble saying something. Well- no need to lie on my behalf- "It's fine, Milord." I tell him, giving him a saddened smile and resting my hands on his, at my waist. Again, for the second time that night, I peel his hands from my form and step away. "I am completely alright with this. Now, it's late. I should head to bed. Excuse me..." He is still fumbling for words, his mouth moving slightly and he looks shocked to have me reject him once more, though my feelings. It hurts to, but- it is what must be done. Honestly... And, as I move to the door, I do expect this to be 'goodnight', and to be on my way, however- "Yuki, because-" I stop. A man, more normally so straightforward and hardheaded, having this much trouble was shocking to me. I've always seen Milord in the strongest light, but now he fumbles for syllables like a buffoon. I give him the last chance, but he hadn't said anything in that moment. A frown laces my lips and I sigh, now stepping to the door and grabbing the handle to push it open. "Because I was too scared to harm you-" He confesses finally and I am shocked to say the least.
"I couldn't bring myself to even tell you how I felt, because- I felt I would harm you. Yuki, to me, you are one of the most precious things in existence... To harm you, damage you- would be the biggest sin, the worst thing I've done." I am a little surprised at the confession, as he speaks on. I swear, all the blood rushed to my cheeks. This is not at all what I expected of him, but it feels like a dream to have him talk this way to me. "It is not much of an excuse- but to find time in other women helped me soothe passions, that- if they got out of hand, would leave you... sore and harmed." Ah- what he's implying. "I do not want to harm you. And, even though my methods for- soothing such passions has kept you safe, I realize that I am only harming you more by continuing them." I gulp, feeling his gaze meet mine. Those gorgeous amber stones, those beautiful eyes that glow with the fiercest fury. This felt like a dream. He was confessing to me, telling me he loves me, he was speaking to me as if... I was his lady. How- how dream-like. I can't explain the feeling. I want to cry. He steps towards me, and I feel myself, out of embarrassment, break our gaze. Unable to continue this heart wrenching standoff. "Yuki..." Lord Shingen's thickly sweet voice calls to me, and I look up to him. He stands before me, looking into my eyes with that fierce gaze. "Will you allow me to take you... as my woman?" I shiver at what it is he is implying. He is... Implying he wishes to have sex with me. But, not like he would with his prostitutes or concubines. Like his lover. I feel lightheaded, faint, but- bubbly. He, however, grins at me, running his fingers over my cheeks. "Does this blush mean 'yes'?" I can't answer straighforwardly, what would my heart do to me if I did? Crash maybe- Stop beating? I feel like my heart just might. And, as I stare up into his flame-like eyes, he looks down to me, the same grin on his lips. Such a simple man, I swear... But, that does not mean I love him any less. Slowly, he leans down to me, and I close my eyes, feeling his lips on my own. The lustful, passionate kiss- ah, it only reminds me how 'skilled' he is, how- 'practiced'. Not that that is necessarily the worst thing ever, I know many samurai who are the same- I mean, more or less experienced. Lord Hideyoshi of the Toyotomi would be one. However, his passion surprises me, the kiss alone spews feelings of affection and love. It's... sweet. I can't keep myself from rejecting it- Not even out of a more intelligent ideal. I never know what could happen- But, my mind is so frazzled, it doesn't even matter. Coaxed by his deep kiss, I can only lean up more, standing on my tip-toes to reach, and even wrapping my arms around his neck to grow closer. The deep chuckle that comes from his throat as he slips his tongue into my mouth tingles, making him loop his arms protectively to my waist. "Let's not remove them this time, ah?" He teases me, parting our lips for a moment, before kissing me deeply again. He means his arms, obviously. Yeah- I noticed that, too. And, instead of answering, I kiss him back, showing I mean to refrain this time. It felt as if a moment from a cheesy romance story, one many of the maids in the castle giggle over. And, that thought only grows as he, with our bodies pressed to one another and with lips locked, spins me around a little. Ah- Definitely a romance story. As he holds me close, my chest to his, I can feel his eager, racing heart. Or- is that my own? Maybe both of our hearts. I honestly- feel we are both happy and eager. Slowly, he sets me back to my feet, his hands now set to my hips. We part our kiss, taking a small break for air. Well, I do- After a quick inhale, his affections continue, this time at my neck. I can't help but gasp, feeling his teeth at my skin. My hands move on their own, slipping from his shoulders and over his chest, gripping at the opening of his bedding robe. I am so absorbed in his kisses that I don't realize until it has already happened, he has untied my robe's sash and slipped it from my shoulders, leaving me bare. I probably wouldn't have noticed so soon, if not for the shiver at my spine. However, I would more normally be embarrassed- Now, I just- I am so absorbed in this, honestly, that care for my nudity is less than... favored. Because, I- I honestly feel safe. I trust Milord, and I feel confident in his decisons. After I am disrobed, he shifts down a little bit, his lips now sucking at my collarbone. It hurts, actually. But, it's a good pain... I suppose. The soft gnawing of his teeth, however, only add to the small pain. I am able to see what those rough kisses did when he parts from my neck, almost admiring his work... A red bruise prickles my skin, right on my collarbone, rather obviously. And, I can only guess what kind of marks are on my neck. "Perfect~" I hear Lord Shingen mumble, likely to himself, his hands still holding my hips as he looks down at me. I can tell he is obviously pleased, and I assume with the red bruises on my skin. "Yuki?" When he calls me, I look to him more, raising a brow in question. He grins and speaks, "Say, why don't you lay down?" He offers me, and I can feel my heart pound against my chest. As his amber eyes look away, I follow their gaze straight to his bedding. Ah, lay down on his bed? So, we're getting there already? I feel embarrassed by his soft command and nod, breaking our touch to lay down. I can feel his eyes on me, and it cause more blood to tinge my cheekbones. I am embarrassed, however, more so excited. Once I am laid down, he, now, walks over to the bedding, shifting his sleeping robe from over his shoulders. His torso was bare, but it still tied at his waist. His movements are almost... Slow, punctuated, as if timed precisely. He kneels in front of me, resting his hands at my thighs and pushing my legs apart, only settle his body between my legs. "Yuki?" He calls me softly, his left hand was resting next to my head, while his right caressed my side gingerly. It was a... foreign feeling, but a soothing one. "Yes, Milord?" And, when I ask, he snickers softly. It is as if me calling him in such a way is inappropriate. Ah- Why? His face hovers above mine, we only centimeters apart... And, this causes me to wrap my arms around his shoulders and neck, wanting him close. Also, to leave my hands unbusy is... awkward. "You remember what Kansuke calls me?" He asks me and I nod. Of course I do, his birth-name, it's hard to forget it as it contrasts his pseudonym so much. Shingen- The first syllable is enough. Shin- Death. But, with his birth-name, Harunobu. It's a rather pleasant name- Haru, the first syllable, means spring. I mean, with this knowledge, it's hard to forget. Kind of cute, actually- After I nod, he smiles, glad I do. "I want you to call me that. Do you understand?" And, again, I nod, making him laugh softly. I can only imagine why he would want me to calling him by his birth-name, only Kansuke really calls him by that. But, I can oblige to that. "You want to try for me?" The teasing way he asks obviously has alterior motive, but I accept with a nod. "Alright, give 'it' a go~" He hums. "Harunobu." His name slips my lips with no problem, and he grins down at me, uttering a soft 'perfect'. I can only imagine what's going on in his mind. However, I can only ponder so long as he shifts his knees, moving his face from my own. "Relax." Milord tells me with a soft hum, and I nod my head, relaxing against the bedding as he tells me to. Though, I can't completely ignore a feeling of slight fear, I have no idea what is truly going to happen. "Say it again~" His voice comes out silky smooth, almost a purr. My eyes are closed, in order to calm myself and relax per his requests, breathing slowing. And, when he asks me to try again, I cannot- Quick! There is a softness at my thigh, one that I recognize as his tongue. "Ah!" A gasp quickly slips from my lips, forming the shiver at my spine and the tingle in my body with a sound. It is the only sound I can make. My hands have slipped from his shoulders, one resting across my stomach, laid out. While the other covers my lips loosely. I don't care if he is against it, I don't want to be obvious. The same softness shifts for a second with his soft chuckle, before moving down my thigh and to more sensitive areas. "Ha- Haru-!" I gasp out as much as I can, feeling the soft wetness of his tongue in more unthinkable places. "Ha-Harunobu- Nha-ah..." "That's my girl~" He hums out between my thighs, teasing me. I feel that his goal, at the moment, is to make me completely flustered- I swear! But, I can't help, at the same time, feeling great. I'm embarrassed, yes- but the emotions from his actions... I feel great! Hot, tingly, a little jittery. How do I explain it? Is this what pleasure is? It feels similar to when I am by myself, but- more? Different, truly. I honestly never thought a man would do something like this. Dare I bluntly mention- Licking, sucking, and biting a woman in her more... sensitive areas. And, ah- With my wording, I, now, notice how innocent I am. Wow. Can't help it, honestly- But, really, I did not really think something like this was... used. I wouldn't have mentioned it or recommended it, but- "Nn-Nha-!" Ah! Even my thoughts are cut short with his actions. I really am succumbed to Milord. Completely."Ha-" I try to say his name once more, but I can only gasp out a small sound. What is he doing? Where is he- A deep tingle and shiver makes it down my spine, shaking my whole body with a crashing wave. It's a feeling that makes me squirm, shifting my legs, arching my back, leaning my head farther to the bedding. "Gah-!" I try to open my eyes, but everything is hazed white. As if a blur. A hot tingle seeps through my body, making me feel weak to my knees. So much so, that I do not believe I could even try to sit up. "That good, huh?" The cocky reply of Milord makes me shiver, a soft echo leaving him of a wet, sloppy sound. And, cracking my eyes open, I find him licking his lips excitedly. Ah- My cheeks flare warm at the sight; what a perverted man- Though bent over a moment ago, Lord Shingen sits up and starts to untie his sash for his bedding robe. "Doll, can you sit up?" He asks after me, making me open my eyes more. "I think so." I should be able to, right? And, when I try, though I feel a little weak and dizzy, I sit right up, looking to him. He smiles, glad, and beckons me to him as he removes his only clothes. "What- What do you want me to do?" I ask him, only stuttering a little at first. I know I should at least do something for Milord, it was horrid not to. But, the happy look on his face and he shaking his head was enough for me to take back the thought. "I want you to enjoy yourself, huh?" He made it sound like a question, at the end, but it was surely a command. To enjoy myself. Maybe I am an overly serious person. He gingerly grabs my hand, after baring himself, moving me closer to him. "I already feel bad for what I've done. Now, I just want to pamper you, alright?" When he continues, I blush a little, feeling rather bashful. Milord wishing to pamper me? Ah, it surely felt like a dream. "Now, come here. There we go-" As a crawl closer to him, he reaches out, his hand gripping my hip and lifting me to his lap. Woah- His legs are bent at the knee, having his knees up, likely for me to rest against, if I need to. His hand holding my own coaxes my arms to loop his neck, bringing us close, while his hand at my hip eases me down on him. It was- a feeling I can not explain. I hurt, yes. Women say that not every first time hurts- but, when there is over a foot difference between you and your partner, as well as a minimum of 75 pounds- Yeah. He's nicely sized for a man of his... stature. Yeah. "Ha- Hah-" Slightly rough gasps of air leave me, I am trying to coax with the slight, if any at all, pain from his size. Even if I have pleasured myself, that does not mean I was ready- Why am I explaining myself? Huh... "Haru... Harunobu..." I whisper softly to him, unable to truly place how I feel. Hot, would be a decent word to add. I feel really hot, and dizzy. But, like earlier, dizzy with warmth, and... pleasure? But, there is a small amount of pain. "Nn- Nya...ah..." "That's it..." He whispers, pressing a kiss against my hair. It seems I had nuzzled my head against his neck, moaning against his skin, while growing more accustomed to his girth. I wonder why, now, that there is the rumor going around the castle about women dying while they have sex with him- Something that might seem more trivial to him, surely, is not to myself. It's- deeper. Something in me wonders how many others he held like this. I wonder if I am the only one. "How do you feel...?" "G-good-" When I reply to him, he chuckles softly, brushing my hair behind my ear. He- he is so sweet, I swear. I don't care about what he's done, to deny he's sweet is- insane. "You can- you can go..." I whisper, shifting to unnestle my face from his neck. I lean up and carefully peck kisses to his sharp jaw, unable to keep myself from doing so. He told me to enjoy myself, to relax- but I feel bad not giving him anything, even if it is minor little kisses. "Haha- that's great." He hums, laughing as I kiss his jaw. When I give him a small look, after his laugh, questioning him. "Nothing, nothing- you're just really cute." He goes on laughing, making me fluster in return. It's hard not to, honestly. Such a flirt- "I'll do all the work, so- just enjoy yourself." He hums to me once more, leaning to me and kissing my lips softly. Ah- How nice. However, feeling his hands at my hips, then to be moved- I moan out quickly, surprised, to be brought back down on him, so soon, made my heart leap. That pleasure tingles, making me already crazy with it's feel. Even though I preferred not to be, I instinctively nuzzled up to Milord's neck, letting out heated moans to his throat. With each movement up, then back down on him, I felt my fingers clench, resting at his back. I dared to scratch his back, coaxing the softest of groans from him. Oh? Even in the heat of my ecstatic stuper, I found something to do for him. "Ha- Harunobu-!" I didn't mean to say his name so loudly, but it was as primeval as everything else I've done, my nails scratching at his broad shoulders once more. And, that seems equally pleasurable to him, maybe it was the fact I was obviously enjoying myself. That I was pleased by his actions, feeling the fullest of each thrust into me, each action... "Y-Yuki-" He stuttered-? Wow- His large hands grip my hips tighter, forcing rough pounds at my hips. And, if it were anyone else, I might not be comfortable, but- for him, and... for some reason, this felt all too good. "Let's- move-" He whispers out, and before I could even process his words, I am laid against his bedding now, he hovering over me. My arms are still wrapped round his shoulders, and my legs ease around his waist as he rests between mine. This position- My heart races more, pounding against my chest. Rougher- rougher- I gasp out more, moaning into his ear as we stay close to one another. An action, of mine, causing a chain-reaction leaving me with my toes curling and my voice cracking. I- No-! It feels so much more- "I- Ha-Harunobu-!" I hate how loud my voice came out, a loud cry. He had done the most perfect things, at the most perfect time, in the most perfect way- leaving me blur-sighted once more, and hot. My hands cling to his shoulders, but the way my head leans back and my eyes stay instinctively closed answers one thing. I totally enjoyed it, and I have reached my end. "Oh- Yuki-" His voice calls out my name in a most pleasured voice, his lips kissing my neck roughly with the coming powerful thrusts. But, those are only numbered, and he stops, a warmth spreading through my stomach. And, then... He stops completely, holding himself up above me. "Ha-" He pants softly, pecking my breast, then my shoulder. "That was- some of the most fun I've had in a while..." It is a comment of his that surprises me. He just had a woman in his room a few hours before, is he to tell me he never enjoyed their company in the first place? How- How surprising. "R-really...?" I can only echo my thoughts, but halfheartedly, snuggling up to him after he pulls out from me, leaving a hot tingle between my legs, then lies down besides me. His large body is hot, and just big enough to hug mine completely, like a hand and a glove. A perfect fit. My, aren't I cheesy and poetic today, huh? "Really..." He makes a small chuckle, wrapping his arms around my body and holding me close. This still feels like a dream. Just this afternoon I was crying over the fact he was with some other woman, which I now know is because... Lord Shingen is a more rough individual, and wished to get his sexual urges lessened before he even got near me. He was too fearful to break me. A little sad that he hadn't just chanced it, but definitely cute- his motives. "Why don't you get some rest, yes? You have breakfast in the morning." "Y-Yeah-" I yawn, and close my eyes, letting myself drift off. It was nice to finally gain a wink of sleep. And- The next morning, when I wake up, I am alone. Huh- Maybe, I imagined the whole night...? My thought was short lived however, as I realize that I am not in my room. Nor am I in my normal clothing, but wrapped in Lord Shingen's bedding robe. I coax myself out of bed, stumbling a bit as my thighs feel weak. Ah... How brutal. I can only whine to myself about the feeling and move on. I keep Milord's robe on, just wishing to stand. But, however, as I do, I hear a knock at the door. I am fearful to answer it at first, but a voice comes after. Kansuke. He knows that it's me in here, and asks if it's alright to come in. Of course it is, I agree, and he walks in, holding a stack of what looks like, cloth, and a pair of shoes. Ah- clothes for me. I smile sheepishly but he doesn't mind. "How do you feel?" He asked me gingerly, and I tell him I'm fine. "How was you evening?" I know I might be cheesy on the matter, but I- and not meaning to, answered 'dreamily' that it was 'great~'. He made the slightest snickers under his breath as he helped me change. It seemed Lord Shingen arranged something, instead of my hakama. And, I am little uncomfortable with the idea, but go along anyway. When I tell Kansuke about my night, he is surprised. "He asked you to call him 'Harunobu'? Like- while you..." He chose not to mention 'sex' and looked to me with a raised brow, I nod. "This is- the first I've heard of him wanting anything like that. Maybe- Maybe I was wrong in my advice earlier, about him. I would assume he is, actually, in love with you." He pauses, helping me with my obi. "I know I thought he was more dangerous, emotionally... But, I am genuinely surprised." Well, that was the first thing Kansuke said to me regarding my husband. It was a little surprising, honestly. But, I thank him. He is what kept me focused on my heart, all that time, until I was able to be with my love. Though that day was years ago- It seemed, when he changed his mind, he was truly right. Harunobu is a loving husband, since the day we were married. And, I believe, only more so with each child. We already have three- Four is on the way. I love kids, but maybe it is time to tell Milord to stop? Fin.