"Seriously, is there nothing better on?" Sarah groused as she flipped through radio stations.

"Embrace the Season, Linden," Holder prodded her in the shoulder cheerfully with one finger as he turned right onto the street that would take them to Pacific Centre. For Christmas shopping, no less. That alone was enough to put her in a mood.

"I swear to god if I have to listen to 'Holly Jolly Christmas' one more time the only thing I'm going to be embracing is a bullet," she muttered, flipping channels once more. It was only December twelfth and there was no way she was going to survive another twelve days of the magic of the season being flung in her face.

She was jarred out of her unhappy musings when Holder swerved sharply to the right and slammed on the breaks. "What the FUCK, Linden?" he snarled, as he jammed the car into park and spun towards her.

"It's too damned early for this shit," she groused. It was sickening, really.

"Do you need to see someone? Talk to someone?"

"What?" That startled her. What the hell was he talking about?

"I'm serious, Linden. You've been out of wack for days and now you're talking like you'd rather be dead than face the next Christmas song, nevermind the next day."

"It was a joke, Holder. I was trying to be funny."

"Well, it wasn't funny. AT ALL," he muttered darkly.

She glanced up at him and did a double take when she realized that the anger in his words was disguising actual worry. It was enough to make her bite back a snide retort. Instead, she reached out and brushed his cheek with the back of her knuckles, feeling badly about scaring him and wanting the contact to maybe take her unease away. "I'm fine," she promised, "I just don't much care for the holidays is all."

"Well, they're here," he pointed out quietly, capturing the fingers she had extended and bringing them to his lips. "So might as well make the best of em, hmmm?" At that, he let her hand go and put the car back in drive, once again putting them in the path of Pacific Centre and a crowd of shoppers.

"I really hate the malls, especially this time of the year," she couldn't help but sigh.

"Yeah, full of people and shoppers and shit. Everyone sayin' Merry Christmas. Bein' nice. Sucks when people are nice." Holder's commiseration was ruined by his obvious irreverence. "Hey, at least it ain't Dec 24th," he pointed out as an afterthought, "Shit really gets real then."
She didn't know what to say to that, so she just shook her head and swallowed the giggle that threatened to come out at the thought of the insanity of the 24th, and cycled through the radio stations for a third time.

******************************************************
"So what d'ya have against Christmas, anyways?" Holder asked as he slid into the food court booth beside her, bumping her over until she had to adjust all of their bags on the other side of her so they wouldn't fall off the bench. They were taking a break because her feet hurt and she was thirsty. And, mostly, because Holder was hungry.

"It's just so overdone," she sighed. "All the hype, and the fuss. For what? I mean, what are we even celebrating?"

"The birth of Jesus Christ, our lord and saviour," Holder said slowly and firmly, as if she was a little bit slow. He took a huge bite out of his burger then gestured one burger-filled hand towards the mountain of food in front of him, "You sure you don't want any of this? Quality fast food, mama."

"I'm sure. I thought you were Hindu, now."

Holder ignored her dig and continued to methodically work his way through all of his food. His veganism was as selective as always. Which she was actually fairly grateful for, so she didn't bother poking at him about it. "I never would have pictured you being so enthusiastic about the holidays," she admitted instead.

"Well, you know. Christmas wasn't no shit when I was a kid. Gotta make up for it now, y'know?" he shrugged. "And I have Kalia now, too. Christmas is fun with kids. You know that, I think."

She nodded. She did know that. She remembered when Jack was five, giddy and excited and begging her to help him write another letter to Santa every night. She couldn't remember ever enjoying the holidays as much as Jack did when he was little. And she had enjoyed his joy at the season, she had to admit. Christmas was ok, when it was her and Jack. But that was before. Before everything had gone to hell. Before she'd sent him to live with his dad and spent Christmas morning talking to him on the phone and spending the rest of the day alone.

"And this Christmas is extra special," Holder was saying. Then he paused, waiting. She knew he wanted her to bite, but she wasn't really feeling quite that accommodating. Thinking of Christmas' past just made her feel all of the loneliness all over again. The failures. The little girl nobody wanted. Lonely. She hated how lonely the holidays made her, even when she was surrounded by people. "Don't you want to know why?" he finally asked. She couldn't even look at him, scared he'd see something of her feelings in her face.

"I'm sure you're going to tell me," she glanced at him long enough to roll her eyes, before taking another sip of her drink, stalling, keeping her face tilted slightly away so he couldn't see any of the hurt and emptiness she was starting to feel.

"Because," he continued, "You're here. It's our first Christmas, you and me. You ready to get back out there?" he asked before she could respond to the first. Which was good because his words brought on a tidal wave of emotion that she couldn't quite push back. It overwhelmed the sadness and loneliness and emptiness. Overpowered it, even. She thought her eyes might be tearing over. She tried to smile at him, and when it felt like she couldn't succeed she just leaned forward and touched her lips to his briefly, before getting up and helping him clear the table.

"I can't believe you ate all of that," she deflected, needing a subject that was safe, that didn't bring up all of these feelings that she didn't want to deal with. Didn't know how to deal with.

"Mock me now, woman. But just you wait til supper. I'm gonna take you someplace amazing to end this perfect day."

"Perfect," she repeated, aware of how skeptical she sounded. It was just another day, and not even one where they were doing anything particularly fun.

"Well, yeah, Linden. I mean, I'm spending it with you."

******************************************************************************
"Hey, Linden, in here!" Holder exclaimed, reaching out with one bag filled arm and tugging at her jacket. The store he was steering them for was appallingly named "The Christmas Store." And even more horrifying was the sheer bonanza of Christmas stuff inside. It was like someone threw up Christmas and then stuffed it in a too-small box in the mall.

"No," she stated firmly, trying to duck away. She would be lying if she said that she hadn't enjoyed most of the afternoon - more than she thought she would, for sure. Watching Holder shop for girl toys was something of a novelty. He had this 'method', he called it. But really what he was doing, she thought, was trying to find the perfect gift. In the middle of the long drawn out process that was Holder's "method", she'd selected her own gift for the creative little girl, making Holder's eyes crinkle with pleasure when he caught sight of it. But this? "No way. Just, NO."

"Yessssss," Holder sang out, practically bouncing on his heels as he tugged her towards The Christmas Store again.

"You've got enough stuff for the kids," she tried. He had Liz's kids, Kalia, and Liz all squared away already, what more did he need? And she was pretty sure he'd said he had all the gifts he needed.

"Yeah, but we still need ornaments."

"What?"

"Ornaments. You know, the things that go on the Christmas tree," he eyeballed her as if she was really slow. Again. "Surely you had a Christmas tree when Jack was little."

"Yes, we had a tree," she rolled her eyes, wondering how she got herself into these conversations. "It was decorated with things Jack made in school. Don't kids do that anymore?"

"Kalia always makes me ornaments. And her ma. And I have some from Liz's kids. And a few I found here and there," he catalogued. His finger was twitching as if he'd be ticking the items off on them if his hands weren't full. She wondered why she even noticed that. "But we need an ornament, Linden, and I didn't take you for the crafty type."

"We?"

"I think if you checked the dictionary you'd find it means Me. and You," he grinned at her. "We. Us. You n' me."

"Why do we need an ornament?" It wasn't really surprising that he was confusing her - he did that a lot, mostly on purpose she thought. He thought he was a riot. But this time she sensed a level of seriousness under his ridiculous demeanor.

"To commemorate our first Christmas, of course. Now quit bein' the Grinch and c'mon." He grabbed her arm again and tugged her more forcefully towards the store. This time, she let him. It really was important to him, she realized. And if she was being honest with herself, something about his obvious joy at spending Christmas with her warmed her cold little heart, just a little bit.

She rethought that warmth just a bit though when, twenty minutes later, Holder standing at the checkout buying five ornaments. FIVE! All of which had he excitedly concluded where them. "They're going to take up most of the tree," she complained. Five was over kill, how was she ever supposed to live up to them? "There won't be room for any of Kalia's decorations and that'll disappoint her." Surely the kid card would work.

"What? What kind of small piddly ass tree do you think we're gonna have?" he shot her a look that she thought was a cross between amusement and exasperation.

"One that actually fits in your apartment."

"Listen, woman. Casa de Holder does it right. No scrawny ass little Charlie Brown trees. In fact, we might need a few more ornaments." He made a show of trying to get out of line and go back to search out some more, and she couldn't stop a laugh from bubbling up. She grabbed his arm to keep him there and he let her hold him back and agreed to stay put, but not before smushing his face into her cheek and planting a sloppy kiss on it.

"Oh, hey, look!" he pointed a minute later to a decoration on the wall above the till. "It's a snowman family! There's me, you, Kalia, and Jack!" It was a foursome of snowmen all together, a man and woman with arms around each other and two kids. Maybe the kind of thing you pick up when your kids were five, she thought...but Jack was an adult so it felt kind of skewed.

"Any of the snowmen on the base can be swapped out for all of the ones on the shelves below. The base is doubled up with two sides that swing out where you can add pets, and any additional children you might have someday can be added when the time comes," an employee said with a wink.

"I think we're past the point of that," Holder chuckled before she could say anything. "But good to know in case we someday get a dog. I think we need one, don't you, Linden?"

"A dog?" Honestly, she couldn't follow his mind at all, no matter now many mental gymnastics she did.

"No, Linden. The snowman family." He rolled his eyes and pointed up. "Just like that one."

She didn't. Not really. But Holder was practically bouncing on his heels in excitement at the idea of having a snowman family - of all things - and she didn't have the heart to disagree. "Sure, why not?" And it was worth it when Holder smiled down at her like it was the best thing she'd said all day.

"I'll get it boxed up," the salesperson smiled.

****************************************************************************
"Operation Christmas Shopping was a success!" Holder cheered as he relieved her of the last of the bags and added them to the pile on his living room floor. He slung an arm around her neck and ducked in for a kiss.

"I hope it's a wrap, too," she said drily, but couldn't stop herself from smiling up at him and touching her lips to his, going back for seconds.

"Til next year, anyways," he agreed happily. He was really relaxed and jovial, which made her happy despite being surrounded by holiday hoopla. It was hard to not smile with Holder beside her, relaxed and goofy as always. "Anyhow, Linden. Be honest. You had fun."

It surprised her, but she actually had enjoyed herself at times. Holder had spent the entire day trying to infuse her with Christmas cheer, sharing some of his favorite things of the season with her. He had plied her with candy cane hot chocolate and kissed her stupid once, randomly, by pinning her against the wall with his body so she couldn't get away. Smack in the middle of a mall full of people. Their arms were full of bags, so she couldn't fend him off. At least three people had hooted. He claimed it was tradition. It would have been embarrassing if he hadn't been so damned adorable about it. He'd kissed the snot out of her a second time at the car after they'd filled it with all of his - and her - purchases. It still surprised her, in a way, being grabbed and kissed and touched and cuddled by Holder. He was way more affectionate and touchy-feely than she'd ever expected. It made her uncomfortable, but at the same time, it made her feel oddly cherished. Which resulted in her protests being mostly half-hearted. And then he'd taken her to the pier for scallops and shrimp, treating her to an amazing meal. She'd groused her way through the day and he just kept spoiling her with all sorts of nice things.

She didn't really know how to verbalize any of it, so she just wrapped her arms around his neck and reached up on her toes to touch her lips to his once more. "I love you," she told him softly.

He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. This, she thought, taking a breath and inhaling the scent of everything that embodied Holder. This is why she came back.

A minute later he broke away, and tugged her towards their mountain of purchases. "C'mon, we gotta sort through this shit and get it all put away before Princess Kalia comes tomorrow."

They sorted mostly in silence, employing Holder's "tried and true" method of "wrap all this shit now and forget about it until Christmas." It amused her that he was that organized, but she was also glad because hey, it was one more thing she didn't have to worry about until next year.

Sometime in the middle of the process he tried to tug her over the pile towards him, to kiss her, but she ducked away. "Ha! We both know how that's gonna end. Not happening, Holder."

"What?" He asked, offering her a seemingly innocent look that wasn't innocent at all.

"You know exactly what," she started, then because she knew he would play clueless she added, "Being naked beside your kid's toys is all kinds of wrong."

"Whatever, Linden," he offered her a sideways glance and then got distracted, rooting through the bags they hadn't gotten to yet. "I know it's here somewhere," he muttered.

She just rolled her eyes and went back to wrapping and let him do his thing. She got through two more gifts before he surfaced with a triumphant "Found it!" When she glanced over he had the dreadful The Christmas Store bag in his hand. He dug around in it and then came out with a fistful of mistletoe. The same fistful of mistletoe that had been sitting on the teller's table for him to grab as they rang the rest of his stuff through. At the time, she'd tried to convince him he really did not need five clumps of the stuff, but he insisted he totally did and five was maybe not even enough. When he grabbed two more she rolled her eyes and let him do his thing, because it obviously made him happy. Plus she figured if she fussed over seven he'd probably grab ten.

Now she was regretting that decision, as he eyed the mistletoe and then her with great interest. When he made to lunge at her and hold it over her head she let out an involuntary shriek and scrambled to her feet. And then he was up, faster than she'd expect for someone of his height, and lunging at her again.

"You're so w─OOOFFF," she grunted as he caught her against him. His eyes were gleaming with mischief as he held the damned green stuff over her head. He swooped in and caught her lips, kissing her hard and deep. Then his hands were on her ass and he was lifting her up against him. She arched against him and kissed him back, because it felt damned good and she really didn't have near as much self control as she liked to pretend that she did. Which was the real reason she let him carry her to the cupboard and kiss the daylights out of her again.

When she slid her hand under the waistband of his pants, intent on getting them off, his hands slid down her arms until he captured hers and pulled them away from his body. He kissed her one more time, then kissed her cheek before pulling away with a cheeky grin. "Got presents to wrap," he reminded her.

"You're a god-damned tease," she gasped. And cocky as hell, as he sauntered over to the kitchen, grabbed a chair, and used it to slap a piece of mistletoe up on the ceiling between the kitchen and living room with a flourish. She swallowed down sexual frustration and overall annoyance, only slightly comforted when his movements made it clear that he was as affected as she was.

He helped her off of the counter with one arm, kissed her on the cheek, and put the rest of the mistletoe back in the bag. "Told you you didn't need that many," she couldn't help but poke at him a bit.

"Never you mind, Linden. The rest is for later."

*****************************************************************************
"Kalia still believes?" She asked as Holder slapped a "From Santa" sticker on his kid's biggest gift.

"Well, yeah. She's only five. I hope she believes for a long time, y'know? Keep the magic going." He paused, shifting the huge barbie house that the little girl had been talking about for weeks over to the side, and then he rested one arm on his knees and eyed her. "It's like... I d'no, Linden. I want her to believe in magic and fairy tales and the beauty of the world for as long as possible, y'know?"

She did know. She had forgotten what it was like to look at the world and see beauty. Sometimes she wondered if she ever had.

"How old were you, when you quit believin?" he asked.

"Six," she shrugged, grabbing one of the last few boxes - some fancy electronic thing Holder had bought for Davy - and sizing up the wrapping paper.

"Seriously?"

"Yup. First foster home enlightened me."

"So, what, they don't do presents and Christmas and shit in foster care?"

She shrugged and rocked forward a bit, remembering. "There was this toy I wanted… a doll, I think. I wanted help writing a letter to Santa and the foster mother… god she was always crying… she just got mad. Told me there wasn't any Santa and real life isn't a stupid fantasy and she was doing me a favour by telling me. That I needed to know what life really was and accept it, for my own good."

"You were just a kid!"

"Yeah, well, kids grow up fast in foster care."

"No wonder you ran away all the time," he said softly, reaching out and touching her cheek. She leaned into it for a second. "So did she get it for you? Your doll?"

"Regi did, actually," she twisted her lips, remembering. "She got me a new foster home, too."

"Were they all like that?"

She blew out a breath, twisted her lips. She really didn't want to talk about any of it. So she avoided answering with her own question. "How did you know I ran away?"

"You told me. When we were looking for Adrian's treehouse."

"And you remembered?"

"Well, yeah. Of course I did. I remember everything you told me." He shifted over to the side, to sit beside her on the floor, leaning back against couch and sliding an arm around her shoulders. "So what was the next one like?"

"Not better, just different. I think we had ramen noodles for Christmas. The next one, though...she was wonderful." She leaned against him and sighed. "I was eight, I think. She tried to convince me that I was wrong, Santa was real but that he wouldn't know what to get me if I didn't write him."

"Did you?"

"I wanted to make her happy. So yeah. But the only thing I wanted that Christmas was a real family, a home. And she was such a sweet lady, just wonderful really. I wanted her to adopt me. I think she read the letter," she admitted. "She had me and a four year old…" She remembered a surprising amount from that home, including the way Patti had sat her down and asked her to help make sure Izzy still believed after it became clear that she was beyond believing. "She made a big Christmas dinner for us and her husband and Regi and her sister and nieces. Her nieces were nice to us. There were so many presents that year. We even got to take them with us when we went to a different home."

"Sounds like the kind of home where they'd want to leave kids. How come you couldn't stay there? " He asked against her hair, then kissed the top of her head. His arm around her was comforting, even though the memories weren't.

"She died. Ovarian cancer, I think. Regi told me later - I was an adult - that she wanted to keep me. And that they left us with Patti longer than they should have because Patti insisted. Izzy left first. Got adopted. But Regi left me with Patti until she couldn't literally take care of me anymore, not even with Regi's help. I guess she told Regi that she didn't want me to think that I wasn't wanted." She shook her head and blew out a breath. "I'm not sure why she cared, really. But she did."

"Well, that's something, at least."

"Yeah. It was." She closed her eyes and leaned into Holder's chest, trying to push back the old memories.

"Well, Christmas wasn't any kind of shit when I was a kid. Liz tried. But my pa had split when I was about three, and my ma was… well, even when she was there she wasn't. Not really. Mostly she was three sheets to the wind. Manic. I think maybe she was bipolar and self-medicated with alcohol, which just made it worse," he paused, kissed the top of her head again, "Liz tried, though. She really tried. When she was twelve she tried to cook a full course Christmas dinner. The turkey caught fire in the oven and we used a whole fire extinguisher gettin' it out," he chuckled.

"At least she tried. Regi tried too," she admitted. "She was a saint, really. Sometimes I spent Christmas with whatever family I was living with, brought along to dinner at some relative or others, somewhere I didn't belong. Other times they didn't want to bring the foster kid along, so I would spent Christmas with Regi." She lifted her shoulders into a shrug and relaxed them slowly. "I preferred those ones, really. Regi always kind of treated me like family."

"Regi's a good woman."

"I used to wish she wasn't my social worker," she admitted.

"Well that don't make no sense."

"I kept hoping that if she wasn't my social worker, maybe she would have adopted me."

"Well, she basically did, Linden. Just cause you ain't got a piece of paper saying it doesn't mean it isn't so."

It was so Holder, to say something like that. So kind. She blinked the tears from her eyes and pushed away from him slightly - just enough that she could cup his face in one hand and kiss him. God she needed to kiss him right now.

"And now," he said against her lips, "We're gonna have a real Christmas. Your whole family. You, me, Kalia, Jack. Christmas eve with Regi and Christmas Day at Liz's. It'll be everything you ever wanted," he promised, his words so sincere and his eyes so earnest that she couldn't stop a tear from trailing down her cheek.

She ducked her face down, fought to keep her composure. "Jack's not coming," she whispered.

"What? I thought it was all set?"

"So did I," she admitted. "But his buddies are going skiing on the 26th and he wanted to stay and go with."

" I thought you had his flights booked?"

"I did. I cancelled them a few days ago."

"Why? You coulda just insisted he come. He should be here." Holder's confusion was genuine, she knew. And she wasn't sure how to make him understand, and she didn't think she could talk about it without crying, so she just shook her head.

"Sarah," he said gently, tipping her chin up so she was forced to meet his gaze. She knew her eyes were watery and the only thing she could do was offer him a helpless shrug.

"I just… I want him to want to be here, you know? I don't want him to come just because he has to."

"Well, it's his loss then, isn't it?" Holder hugged her tightly to him again. "He's the one who's missing out." She knew he wanted to make her feel better but now that she'd said it out loud, that Jack wasn't coming, all of the hurt and disappointment and feelings of failure that she'd been trying to suppress were cut loose. So she slid her arms around his body and hugged him back, closing her eyes and letting his heartbeat and the feel of his hand rubbing up and down her back steady her.

When she came out of the shower, Holder was just shutting the lights in the living room. He'd managed to get everything cleaned up, which impressed her. He smiled down at her and slid her ponytail tie from her hair, ruffling it around her shoulders with his fingers. He didn't saying anything, just slung an arm over her shoulder and headed towards the bedroom. She was drained and exhausted from the day and emotionally spent from the memories and admission that Jack wasn't coming, so she just slid under the covers and curled up, waiting for him. He flicked the bedside lamp on and climbed in beside her, then poked her in the ribs.

"Hey, Linden. Look up."

"C'mon, Holder. It's late. No games."

"Look UP, Sarah," he goaded. She sighed and rolled onto her back. And there it was.

"You have got to be kidding me. You're not leaving that there until Christmas." Taped to the top of the headboard was a sprig of mistletoe. " I knew letting you buy that stuff was a terrible idea."

"It was the best idea," he disagreed, leaning over her to claim his kiss. His fingers trailed down her ribs leaving little tendrils of heat in his wake. Then, he settled beside her and traced her jawline with one finger. "I love you," he told her, and then he glanced up again. "Oh, look, mistletoe is still there. You know what that means," he added cheerfully as he leaned over her, his expression expectant.

"You're such an idiot," she laughed.

"Yeah, but you love me anyways."

"Yeah," she whispered as she tipped her head up to kiss him and let one of her hands slide down his body to start pushing his boxers down - because she knew exactly how this was going to end. "I really do."