Disclaimer: I don't anything Cassie Clare owns.
A/N: So I know I am in the process of writing First Meeting, but I figured what the hell I'll write a one shot. I wasn't feeling fluffy so here is Alec post CoLS.
Sitting in the middle of the field with his music turned up full blast lost in his thoughts, his memories of a better time. He wasn't sure what triggered it this time but this was the worse than the others he was use to having. It had been 10 months since the break-up, since he had to watch his world crash down around him, the love of his life tell him he didn't want him anymore. He had tried seeing other guys, hell just sleeping around but nothing seemed to take the edge off of the emptiness he felt from losing Magnus. He had forgotten how to be happy, what happy felt like. Everything in New York reminded him of what use to be. Four months after the break up and he was still depressed, his fighting skills where shit and all he did was cry. When he would go for walks to clear his head he always found himself standing across the street from Magnus's flat, tears silently rolling down his cheeks. His pale skin had taken an almost translucent paleness. Eating was no longer a priority, the little sleep he did get was tormented with images of Magnus, cat eyes, and glitter. Izzy had suggested he travel or even move to a different institute because she knew he wasn't getting better and everything in New York was destroying him.
Now 10 months after the break up and 6 months after moving to Philadelphia he was starting to get better. He was still broken but had managed to pull enough of the shattered pieces of himself together to become functional. After leaving New York he slowly began to eat again, the purple bags under his eyes had faded, and regained the minimal pigment to his skin and training again. He was still extremely closed off, he preferred books and music over people, and the few times he did try going out and meeting guys they had all failed. No one was Magnus, no one could stir those feelings in him like before. Coming to terms with the face that he would never date again wasn't hard, the struggle was keeping the memories lock inside their box. Today was one of those days that that box opened with a vengeance. Not exactly sure why but they were ripping threw him destroying everything in their path. Being assaulted with the memories of Magnus was more than he could handle while still being able to keep his composure. So he drove, he had no destination in mind but damn it he had to get away from it all. So now sitting out in a field, iPod blaring some of the most depressing music he had downloaded he let it all out, all the emotions he had bottled up over the last 10 months of being alone.
It started with remembering how they would just lay in bed and talk, talk about everything and nothing all at the same time, nothing else mattered as long as they had each other. The warmth that would spread threw him as he rolled over and snuggled his face into his loves neck just to make sure it was real. That he was there, his flawless honey skin, make-up free face showing the endless beauty, gel and glitter free hair that came down to his shoulders like silk, the smell of sandalwood and some type of spices that made up the smell of Magnus. He loved that smell, sometimes he would steal a shirt and wear it under his gear when he had to head out for a hunt just so he had that comfort of the man who had become his entire world in such a short time. A conversation came back to him in that moment:
We were spending a Sunday afternoon watching reruns of Project Runway, well more so Magnus was watching it and I was reading a book, but we were content just being with each other. He turned to me after the third episode and I could tell he was thinking about something just not sure what.
"Yes?" I asked after a couple minutes of him staring at me
"I was just thinking, you are a pretty closed off person, and always seemed to have all these walls up. Guarding your emotions, your sexuality, well you in general. You never came off as the type of person who would let someone in." he says thoughtfully.
Quite frankly he was right, I had spent a fair amount of time closing myself off from emotions, from letting anyone see me for who I was. Until he came around, he somehow managed to tear them all down, or maybe I just felt that I trusted him enough to let him climb my walls and see me for who I was. I looked at him thoughtfully while responding "That's because I am closed off and I did spend a fair amount of time building those walls. I didn't want anyone to see me for who I really was."
"Why, why did you let me in, let me see you for who you really are?"
At this I set my book down on the table and turned my body so I facing him. I wanted him to understand why I let him in and maybe just how much he meant to me. I needed to be able to look him in the eyes when I answered him.
"I let you climb my walls and see me for who I am becaouse; I was afraid I would lose you if I didn't; becaouse I trust you with the information that came with it; I have some hope that with letting you I maybe you would mend those broken pieces of me behind them; I was tired of being alone behind them; you worked you ass off to get me to fully trust you; and ultimately because I knew that behind my highest, thickets wall was my heart and I was, am, utterly and completely in love with you…so I gave it to you. I gave you my heart and I don't regret that choice and never will no matter what happens between us."
I remember that conversation like it just happened. That was the day I realized that there would be no one else for me. I miss him soo much, at times it physically hurts to think about. Days like today I just cry, cry like a fucking baby, but its no use acting like I don't miss him. I will always wonder 'what if'. I know that I fucked up, I just wish he would have let me explain, let tell him that I wasn't going to do it, I would have never shortened his life. I just wanted to know more about him, and he wouldn't fucking tell me and Camille she did. If I could go back I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't go to the one person who broke his heart and use her against him. I crossed a line, I broke his trust but he never gave me a chance to explain. I broke down all over again at that thought.
After the break up I waited a week before I tried to contact him again. I called and called, left voicemail after voicemail, most of which consisted of my breaking down in sobs before I even got more than 5 words said of which I would just choke out between sobs 'call me please'. I gave him everything, every part of me, he was my Alpha and Omega, my world consisted of that man. I came out for him, risked losing everything I had to be with him, and the bastard wouldn't let me explain.
"I love you Magnus, I will always love you. You are still the first thought when I wake up and the last before I fall asleep into dreams of cat eyes and honey skin. You where my first and only love. I'm sorry." I whispered these words as I fell to the ground in uncontrollable sobs.