Chris: Got this idea talking with my friends about waffles, which I had for breakfast today. Pretty random and a weird subject…But eh, it'll be fun.
Disclaimer: Don't own FE.
Note: Eliwood will most likely be OOC. Once again, you've been warned.
Waffles
"Mwahahahaha! I have come up with evilest, greatest, and most dastardly plot ever! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Nergal roared inside of his little base in the Dragon's Gate.
"What is it, milord?" Ephidel walked up, along with Sonia. The black-haired morph grinned, anticipating the next plan by his lord.
"I will…steal all of Eliwood's pancakes and replace them with waffles! Bwahahaha! Isn't that evil?" Nergal laughed with his evil laugh.
"Oh, that is most ingenious, milord!" Ephidel bowed deeply.
"Really? I think it's the stupidest plan I've ever-." Sonia started, but Ephidel elbowed her in the stomach.
"Shut uuuuup…" Ephidel warned.
"Now! Minions! Steal all of Eliwood's pancakes and put waffles in their place! BWAHAHAH! He won't be able to survive after this blow!" Nergal laughed again.
---
"I'm so hungry…" Eliwood moaned, crawling out of his cot. "Lowen! Where are my pancakes?"
"I can't find them, milord! They're gone!" The green-haired cavalier searched frantically, but there were no packages of pancake mix anywhere. "All I can find are waffles!"
"Waffles? WHY ARE THERE WAFFLES?" Eliwood roared. "I DESPISE WAFFLES! WHO BOUGHT WAFFLES?"The red-haired lord stormed out of his tent, knocking aside the flap.
"Um…I like waffles." A random brigand popped out of nowhere, holding a plate filled with the crispy, yellow…waffles.
"DIE, INFIDEL!" Eliwood drew his sword and stabbed the brigand through the heart. He stomped towards Lowen, who backed away, shivering with fear.
"Wow! Waffles!" Hector walked up, his face lit with joy. Then he looked at Eliwood and the dead brigand. "How…horrible!" Hector frowned, not wanting to get stabbed.
"I know! How can I live without my luscious, soft, fluffy pancakes?" Eliwood gasped, putting a hand over his heart. "Pancakes are just so…so brown! So brown! And so soft! And fluffy! They're so delicious with butter and syrup and…I want some, dammit!"
"Great. Now I want pancakes." Hector grumbled. "Dammit Eliwood. I'm going to kill you for this."
"Who could have stolen my pancakes?" Eliwood questioned.
"Nergal?" Lowen ventured. "You know…Since he always tried to find a way to defeat you anyway."
"Of course! It was that blackhearted fiend! Very well! I shall vanquish him, or else my name isn't Eliwood the Magnificent!"
"Uh…It isn't. It's just Eliwood of Pherae, right? I mean, that's who we were hired to kill." Another brigand popped out of nowhere.
"BLASPHEMY!"Eliwood killed that guy as well. "Onto Nergal's lair!"
"Uh…Eliwood. We're on the mainland right now. We need to get a ship first." Hector remarked.
"Oh…Right. Onto the city of Badon!" Eliwood pointed again. "Let us depart on the search for the missing pancakes!"
---
"We ain't gonna take you to Valor for free, sonny." A pirate captain looked at Eliwood frankly. "It's dangerous waters."
"Come on, man! The lives of my pancakes are at stake here!"
"Nope."
"Fine! What do you want?" Eliwood asked.
"One million gold."
"What?" Eliwood gaped. "That's too much!"
"Well, we have waffles. Want those?" Lowen hefted a crate of waffles and plopped them in front of the pirate captain. The captain rushed towards the crates, knocked Lowen into a tree, and cried over the package of waffles.
"Real breakfast! I'm so happy! Of course I'll take you to Valor! For the waffles, at least." The captain sighed. "Come on boys! We're havin' waffles!"
"Yeeeeeehaaaawwww!" The crew rushed out of the ship and ransacked the crate of waffles, leaving it empty.
"Um…Well, then…You'll take us to Valor?"
"Of course!"
"Sweet."
"Sweet like these waffles! Owned!" The captain rushed onboard the ship. "Sweet, sweet waffles! The gods have come to us with this bounty!"
---
"That was a strange trip." Hector commented.
"Damn pirates and their waffles. Waffles can't hold a candle to pancakes!" Eliwood roared. "Let us go kill Nergal for the theft of my pancakes!"
"Um…Sure, why not? I mean, we were going to kill him anyway…" Hector hefted his axe and followed his furious friend in a ferocious, frantic, fanatical foray into the freaky, feared fogey of the Gate.
"I am not a fogey!" Nergal smacked the narrator around and punched him in the head. "You call me a fogey again and I'll kill you and make you into one of my morphs! And stop using all those f words!"
God dammit! That hurt! Fine! You don't want me to call you a fogey! I got another f-word just for you! You little f-bleeeeeep-….God! You suck, Nergal! Wha? What are you saying? Oh, you did not just fire me. You did? Huh? You want to mess with the narrator? I'll show you what it means to be the narrator!
Suddenly, the guy who fired me was struck with a javelin and died. Hah! Take that, you ass! Wanna mess with the narrator now? That's right! YOU LOSE, MAN! LOSE! JUST GOT OWNED BY THE NARRATOR! GIVE ME SOME PROPS, MAN! PROPS! RESPECT! BOW DOWN TO THE NARRATOR!
Cough, cough. Now that that's out of the way….Hey, you want to fire me too? I see you! I see you, dammit! Don't make me kill you too! Yeah! That's what I thought! God, you people suck!
Now back to the story before I drop a nuclear bomb on you people! Gawd!
"Ah…Eliwood, you've arrived at last."
"Nergal, you bastard! It was bad enough that you killed my father, kidnapped Ninian, and tried to take over the world! But stealing my pancakes in unforgivable! YOU WILL SUFFER FROM MY WRATH!" Eliwood roared, holding his sword in front of him.
"Very well, pansy boy!" Nergal laughed. "Prepare to be defeated!"
To make a long story short…Since the narrator didn't like Nergal, he just made it so Eliwood won. So now we move to the scene where Eliwood stabs Nergal. Cause, you know, Nergal sucks. He's all old, and smelly, and he has that creepy eyepatch, and that turban too, and his hair reeks as well. Seriously. Not a fun guy.
"Ha ha! Take that you varlet!" Eliwood crowed as he shoved the sword through Nergal's body. "Now where are my pancakes?"
"Hah! You've…" Nergal coughed. "You've come too late! I've already eaten all your pancakes! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Eliwood cried out in sorrow, clutching his head. "This cannot be true! NEVER!"
"Dude. Eliwood. Let's just go get more from Elibe-Mart, man." Hector tugged on Eliwood's sleeve.
"Oh…Right. That would make sense."
"Then come on! We've got to get back to the ship before the pirates leave without us!"
"Mission! Complete! AWAAAAAY!" Eliwood dashed off for the pirate ship, intent on buying more pancakes from the nearest Elibe-Mart.
Chris: Why yes, this is weird and random. It's just a really weird idea I came up with along with my friend. Enjoy, and give me criticism if it's too random…Cause yeah, it probably is.
It's also really short. Because…You know, this has no plot and it's a humor/parody thing, so it's gonna be short.