Well this is my very first fic going to english, please mark any mistakes so I can keep on improving! My beta gave up even before starting TT^TT
It's a Renji Kira fic, Abarai's point of view.
If you want to read it in spanish you can find it on http: /www. amor-yaoi. com/fanfic/viewstory. php?sid=46194 (erase the spaces on the link for it to work rigth) or you can wait until I decide to make an entrie with it... =P and I don't think that's going to happen soon…
By the way I do not own Bleach, and I do not make any money out of this, it's just for fun.
To KitsuneGin/Fanstasmaalineal/Alinealghost, It's so nice to have you back! XD
Enough
Renji laid face up on the bed.
For several, long minutes he stared at the ceiling. The roof: white, empty, without spots or blemishes.
How much longer would he be able to stand? When would it be enough?
But he knew the answer to those questions. Because he was hanging around, coming and going, twists and turns in this downward spiral and it was like a never ending story.
He could not put an end to it. He wanted to, but at the same time, something held him back. It was love; mixed with fear. Fear of losing him, fear of letting him go. Fear of being alone. And Kira felt the same. Knowing that only made everything harder…
When it seemed that something could change, when he glimpsed a light at the end of the tunnel, the night felt over him again, erasing any twinkle of hope, and any trace of anything similar to it was reduced to a silly illusion, drowning out any possibility, deleting any chances.
But he, he was the idiot who was always there, who stayed awake for hours, the invariably open door, only for Izuru.
His eyes watered, and his vision of the intact ceiling got blurry…
Nobody would give a penny for that relationship. And indeed, almost nobody knew they two were in something together. It seemed an unrequited love. Perhaps it was ... perhaps the only one in the whole Seireitei that believed in Izuru wanting something more than a friendship was him.
Abarai wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
Was he a dreamer? A fucking naive dreamer…
He did not want to answer those questions that struck his mind constantly.
He preferred to go back, to get away delving into their memories together.
Like when he met him at the shinigamiacademia and along with Hinamori were inseparable friends. Like when the blond had helped and supported him unconditionally when Rukia was adopted by the Kuchiki ... and all the times he had changed squad. Kira was always there.
And then, they had become lovers...
He remembered that day so clearly and easily, as evoking the events of the last hours of the day.
He had awakened with Izuru knocking on his door insistently.
That morning in particular the third squadron needed paperwork that was locked in the sixth and as Captain Kuchiki was not at home, the blond had opted to drop by the home the lieutenant, who was off duty. Annoyed, Renji had guided him half asleep in the hallways of the sixth battalion.
In the course of those brief minutes, his blue eyes had been planted in his deranged person, in a somewhat bizarre way, and each time it happened felt a myriad of butterflies fluttering in his stomach.
The redhead was crouched in front of a small filing cabinet, removing piles of papers when he noticed that rare look again.
"What? Do I have something on my face? "He asked, puzzled by the attitude of the other, quiet and taciturn.
"No, just thought you look great when you just wake up," Kira answered smiling, and then crouching to be at its height.
It had taken him by surprise. But he recovered quickly, and taking him by his uniform drew him up and kissed his mouth lightly.
"What was that?" the blond asked, touching his lips.
"I dunno, "replied nervously, standing ready to go. Was it a bad idea to indulge his impulses?
" Wait ", so again that particular blue look, that burned and stung" Don't you think we should find out?
He never imagined that such simple words could sound so sinful in those thin lips, while a mischievous smile formed in his mouth.
That night he was finally meeting him as he had always wanted to. Renji could easily evoke every moan, the touch of the skin, the scent given off by his strong, slender male body. That was the first of many nights in which by being with him like that, he thought he might be able to be happy. That only leaved the details on explaining him what he really felt, what he really expected of him.
Then one afternoon, all those thoughts of telling him how he really felt went down the drain, when he realized that his friend had a more than close relationship with his superior.
Why he had not said anything? Worse, how he had been so blind that he had not noticed it before?
Patiently he waited until Izuru told him.
But when that day came he didn't know whether to feel relieved, angry, happy or offended. So many things flashed through his mind at the moment and he just could play the role of a good friend, when he actually was seeking for something completely different.
He regretted it soon after. To be confidant and lover at the same time had become a double-edged sword, and to stop that blade with bare hands was not a feat that he could make for a long time.
One afternoon, Kira asked him what was going on and with a glass of sake in the middle to gather courage, he told his friend what was wrong with him. He explained him, looking into those gorgeous blue eyes, that he was in love with him, that he wanted the whole damn package, and anything less, and if he did not agree, then there was no problem, because they could still be just friends.
To his disappointment, the third squadron Lieutenant understood his reasons and did not object to them at all. He just could not. Izuru loved Renji, but just as friends, he could not reciprocate as he deserved and neither could he let his captain. Even when Gin did hurt or rejected him or did not loved him back as he wished.
Izuru stayed away from him to the extent of his possibilities, but he was weak and in the nights when he and his captain did not meet, he ended up looking for the fukutaichou of the sixth squadron.
He sought after him, in his own words; as his friend, so he'll listen and advise him as he had done so many times before.
And Abarai accessed, but when they met, even though the redhead, more than anyone, had wanted to comply with their agreement, he could not.
It was stronger than his will.
The view of his wounded friend overcame him, beat him, and defeat him in every sense of the word. And Renji gave up and gave in, he embraced, consoled, listened, opened his heart again. He became absorbed by the blonde's body again and again; trying in vain to erase the traces of that man who did not love him, who did not deserved Kira, at least not at his eyes.
And it was so ironic.
Because when some of his friends heard his story, they repeated the same words he had said to Kira. That he should leave him, because it was hurting him, because he deserved someone better. Someone who rewarded his feelings, someone who loved him back... But he understood him, because he just couldn't…
So he kept on asking, he kept on wondering: How much longer would he be able to stand? When would it be enough?
Finally, luckily the summer ended, taking with it all those questions.