My new favorite episode, Props (3x20)
Spoilers for the episode, so stop reading if you haven't seen it.
Now.
Set in the locker room after Beiste and Puck have their moment. Deals with why Puck has the knife in the first place.
And of course, I fucked him up a little more. :)
D/c: Still don't own it.
W: Violence, swearing, implied noncon.
Enjoy.
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"It's rubber, it's just a prop from West Side Story." Only it wasn't. She could feel the weight in her hand.
"What the Hell were you thinking? You could get expelled for this!"
He tried to shrug off her lecture and examine his battle wounds. They didn't seem too bad. But of course, she kept pushing it. And pushing and pushing until he snapped.
The next thing Puck knew, he'd spilled all his worries to his coach and was - not that he'd ever admit it - crying in her arms.
They stood like that for a while until Puck's breathing began to even out, minus a hiccuping breath every now and then. She pulled away and he saw the tears in her eyes. Guilt slammed his chest and he couldn't look at her face. She pulled him down to sit beside her on the bench, taking his knife into her palm and flipping it over a few times.
"How long have you been carrying this?" She demanded as gently as she could. He shrugged, but she leaned into his field of vision to catch his eye.
"Since I got out, okay?" He turned away from her, ashamed to have disappointed yet another adult who'd actually made a difference in his life.
"Of Juvvie?" She breathed. He nodded silently. She was quiet for a moment. "Why on Earth would you feel the need to carry this? You're just a kid..."
Beiste saw the shudder go through his body and his fingers tightened on the bench.
"For people who deserve it." He said through gritted teeth. Panic alarms went off in her head for the nth time in the past ten minutes.
"For fights?" She asked. He gave her a half-shrug, still refusing to look her way. "What if you had been fighting with Finn?" Puck squeezed his eyes tight. "Or Sam, or Mike? Or Santana-?"
"I'd never lay a hand on her." He snapped, cutting her off, but she could see him trembling. "I'd never hurt them..." he said softly, voice threatening to crack again.
"You also swore you wouldn't get in any more fights at school, but something broke you." she pointed out, laying a hand on his shoulder. She almost pulled away when he flinched, but he didn't push her off so she stayed.
"I didn't mean to..." his voice did break this time. He finally turned to look at her and she saw tears running down his cheeks again. "I didn't even know I did it. One minute my head was slammed into the metal and my ears were ringing, then all I heard was his damn voice calling me a loser and my dad's voice and every fucking person who ever told me that, and then the knife fell out of my hand and you were dragging me away."
The boy was shaking even harder and it scared her. She pocketed the knife, catching him eyeing it, and put her arm around his shoulders.
"So did he deserve it?" Beiste asked carefully. Puck shook his head hard, hands coming up to his face.
"Maybe," his words confused her, since he was still shaking his head. "I don't know!"
The coach rubbed his upper arm in the most comforting way she could.
"Why would someone deserve that?" she did her best to keep her voice level, sensing that this was a toxic topic for the punk.
"Look, I don't get into fights anymore. I can usually handle it with my fists anyway." He tried defending himself again. "But... sometimes people fight dirty." She felt the muscles in his neck tighten against her arm. "And you gotta do what you have to, to win. Or at least, not lose."
He was staring at the tiles on the floor, one hand rubbing over the scraped elbow of the other arm. There was so much hurt in his voice that she knew something had deeply wounded the boy, more than what he'd already told her.
"Why'd you start carrying after Juvvie?" She felt the tension in his body and her mind went to bad places, praying her dark thoughts were just that.
"They taught me to be on the defense, coach." He gave a humorless chuckle, and she watched his jaw clench.
"Hey," She took her free hand and lightly touched his chin, turning him to face her. He swallowed hard at the concern in her eyes. "Did someone hurt you?"
She held his eyes and he couldn't look away, no matter how hard his heart was slamming in his chest. If it was possible, there was more adrenaline in his system now than there had been out at the fight.
"It's Juvvie, everyone hurts you." He said softly, trying to work around the answer he knew she was looking for.
"Puckerman," his eyes tore from hers and he turned away from her hold before she could ask anything else.
"I just, I need it." He stood, pacing in front of his very worried coach. "We're in fucking Lima. I'm the baddest guy around here. These kids? They're fucking from a whole different planet. Tough don't mean shit."
Puck looked into Beiste's face to see if she could understand. She gave a small nod, but still had confusion etched into the wrinkles on her forehead.
"They make sure you know that." He said with desperation. She scowled and he brushed a fist over the tears in his eyes. "If any of them get out, they'll come find me." was the last thing he said before covering his face and sitting beside her again. "I won't let them touch me again." he mumbled into his hands.
Beiste's eyes went wide. What had happened in Juvvie?
"What did they do, Puck?" she asked softly, warm hand going to his back, rubbing in slow circles. She felt his shiver.
Noah reached to his side and raised his shirts up to his armpit, lifting his arm to show Beiste his side. Although his skin was tight and tan, along his ribs were four raised scars in jagged little rows with another crossing them - tally marks. Her lungs collapsed a little and she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
"One for each of them, one for the guard." Puck said, voice thick and bitter. And although she didn't want to hear it, she needed to ask.
"Each of who?" He dropped the fabric and his fists raised to his ears to close in on himself.
"Each one who fucking used me. They took turns and fucking carved it into me so I relive it every god damn day; how fucking useless and cheap I am." he was yelling again and she doubted he could even feel her trying to soothe him. His whole body heaved from the outburst and he took a minute to compose himself.
"You think when they get out they would come here, to Lima of all places, just to hurt you?" Coach asked, trying to decide if he was calm enough to listen to her.
"Sounds stupid when you say it like that." He grumbled into his hands. She smiled a little, feeling his shoulders finally sag a bit.
"Kid, you think I'd let anyone hurt any of you guys?" she ran a hand through his mohawk and he visibly calmed down, shaking his head.
But even as she said it, her heart sank, reminding her of her own life. Seeing the boy like this though, gave her a new resolve, a new strength. She wasn't alone and she had people to fight for.
"You can't always be around," he said, almost as an afterthought. She pulled him into another hug without even thinking about it. He seemed caught off-guard, making a startled noise.
"You know that thing Shue's got where you can call him whenever you need?" She asked. He nodded against her shoulder. "Same here. I'm gonna give my number to all you glee guys, so if you need a brick wall, I can come help you." She gave him a smile, genuine for the first time in a long time.
He pulled back to look at her, seemingly lost in thought for a moment.
"Thanks, Beiste. I really am sorry." He was humbled, voice low and hopeless, but she knew that she would find a way to help him if it was the last thing she did at McKinley.
"We'll call it even if you promise me to never, ever do something as stupid as this again, got it?" she tried putting coach strictness in her voice, but his small smile told her she'd failed at it. But really? The way he nodded in silent, honest promise made that okay.
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o.o
Did we like it?
I might write more. I love Puck. And I love his angst. And this whole episode gave me tons of angst-fodder.
Reviews? Pretty please?
Till next time,
-J X