Sunrise owns Mai Hime, even if they only sit on it now.

This is a very loose parody adaptation of the Mai Hime BD extra mini-episode, which you can easily find and watch with a Youtube search. Go on, you'll only be spending four minutes watching beautiful girls in swimsuits, and I can think of many worse invested time and effort/results ratios.

I'm making no money from this.

What if OverMaster Wrote the Mai Hime BD Special?

Reito turned around from his carefully trimmed bonsai slowly, facing Mai and the girl who clung to Mai's back, tightly wrapping her arms around Mai's chest just for better support, and not because she was feeling Mai up in her own way, no sire. Anyway, moving on. "Mai-san... what did you just say?" asked the bewildered young Kanzaki.

Mai smiled saintly and repeated herself, under the intense summer heat. "Do you want to build a snowman?"

And she and Mikoto sang together, "Come on let's go and play. I never see you anymore, it's like you've gone away. We used to be best buddies, and now we're not. I wish you would tell me why...! Do you wanna build a snowman?"

"It doesn't have to be a snowman..." Mikoto sang the final verse by herself.

Crickets chirped.

"No, that definitely wasn't it," Reito finally said. "You were talking about going to the beach..."

"Well, duh. Then why do you ask?" Mai said, poking the tip of her tongue out.

"But... is that okay?" asked Reito. "You know, Tate-san is-"

"Oh, who cares about that dirty, no-good, useless, blonde motherfucker with his small dick and his shrunken balls and his bad breath and his stupid hairdo and those ugly sideburns, and God, that stupid voice! Ugh, ugh, his voice actor is the worst! Yuch!" Mai scoffed.

"Getting blacklisted by Sunrise is truly terrible, isn't it?" Reito asked.

Mai nodded. "It really is."

Reito scratched the back of his head. "Just being a male character in this franchise already is skating on thin ice, never mind that... forget it."

"Right," Mai said. "You know, Reito-san... I'm sorry. I've... I've thought it through, and I've realized, the man for me has to be- FILTHY RICH!"

A tiny pony filly with light lavender fur and a shiny tiara on her head came along, then kicked Mai on a shin. "MY DAD'S OFF LIMITS!" she shouted, then walked back away.

"What was th-" Reito began asking.

Mikoto rasped very loudly and steered the script back with a loud and cheerful, "You'll never be poor again with my brother, Mai!" after which the girls shared a giggle.

"Yes!" Mai finally said. "I should have thought of this before selling Takumi for his organs!"

"You think they'll ever realize his organs were in bad shape?" asked Mikoto.

"Oh, it's not like they'd care anyway," Mai waved her concern off.

"Ahhhh," Reito sweatdropped and quickly went back to his bonsai. "Maybe I'll join you at the snowman season."

There was a brief silence, and right when he thought they had left, he heard Mai asking, "Reito-san, have you ever watched Death Becomes Her?"

"Ummm, no, I don't think so. Why-?"

Then he was violently hit on the head from behind.

"Sweet dreams, Bruce Willis!"

"Blue sky! Golden sands! White clouds!" Neco Arc exclaimed while passing by, across the beautiful scenery of the beach, in a 1920s style striped swimsuit. "You know, I wonder, why no manganime beach scene can start without this cliche?"

Before vanishing from sight and the fanfic, she walked right over the head of Reito, which was his sole body part sticking out of the sand they had buried him into. Several steps away, a boxers-clad child Gaara and striped swimming trunks-wearing William Baker AKA Flint Marko AKA Look It Up If You're a Johnny DC innocently made sand castles together. Then Sir Crocodile came along and kicked the sand on their faces, prompting a Charles Atlas parody, but that's a story for another day, which hopefully will be February the 32th.

"Here, Reito-san! Say 'Ahhhhh'!" sing-sang Mai, offering the red-mouthed boy another burning spoonful of piping hot chili stew. Behind her, Akane sat holding a large steaming pot with gloved hands, and Fumi, as was her custom, stood doing jack and shit but looking pretty. But now in a bikini!

"Mai-san, you're dethpicable," Reito said, in a curious Mel Blanc-esque accent given to him by his swollen lips and tongue.

"Ah ha ha!" Mai, clad in nothing but a blue bikini and sandals, took her free hand to her head. "Do you think so? But we all agreed to do this!"

"ARE Y'ALL STILL PISSED OFF OVER WHAT I DID BACK THEN?! BUT I WASN'T EVEN MYSELF AT THE TIME!"

There was a very, very, very, very, very, very, very long pause.

"... I guess it seems unfair, doesn't it?" Mai softly asked.

Reito nodded, more softly after his first nod buried his chin into the sand.

"After all," Mai mused aloud, "we all did pretty terrible things back then, when we weren't ourselves either, and that's why fandom will always forgive anything we ever did-"

Shiho piped in, "Actually, they still hate Shiho for some re-"

"Shut up, Shiho," Mai pushed her off camera with a foot to her face. "So I suppose we, indeed, should stop blaming you over all the emotional and physical distress the Obsidian Prince brought upon us, which ultimately twisted us into unreasonable, damaged people who would unload their frustrations on a mere innocent vessel one way or another. But, alas, such is life!" she sighed, before pushing the scalding spoon into Reito's mouth.

"SEE, THIS IS WHY WE DON'T GET NEW PROJECTS ANYMORE!" Reito screamed in pain.

"There, there, don't be so mad. This kind of small sacrifices to heal our beautiful hearts just helps you forging character!" Sugiura Midori said, crouching down on Reito's head so her bikini-bottom covered crotch and hands pressed down on his scalp. "Just look at what abuse has done for Rito-kun... or Keitaro... or Shirou-kun in the Hibi Chika special, or... you know what, never mind and just swallow the damn thing!"

"Yum, yum, yummy, for the tum, tum, tummy...!" Mai added, sending another spoonful Reito's way.

"WATER! WATER...!" Reito begged.

Meanwhile, Shizuru hummed softly to herself, preparing a long onion leek the way her friend Chizuru had taught her, and then-

"Reito, there's something I'd like you to try next, it's a wonderful... ahhh..." she stopped herself, realizing her plans had been sort of foiled by Reito's current position. "We should have buried him the other way around," she said. Then, looking at Nao, who slept on her stomach under a beach umbrella, lime green thong-clad posterior well visible, she smirked to herself. "On the other hand, this might not be a total loss..."

Natsuki opened her mouth to protest, realized this meant she wouldn't be getting the leek this time, closed her mouth back.

Haruka mumbled darkly, with a shovel in hand and Yukino in tow, walking past Shizuru and snatching the leek off her hand on her way towards Reito. "Stupid bubuzuke woman, all you need is thinking out of the box..."

"The world... is over already..." Reito's voice weakly croaked out much, much later.

Elsewhere, Tate grunted. "I bet that damn Kanzaki is getting all the girls now..."

"Shhhh. Don't think of them now. This is our moment..." Nagi hushed him, quietly caressing his face as he gently took him from behind...

As for Mashiro, she got the worst fate of them all. Yes, having to star next to Arika in Mai Otome.

The Ever Lovin' Brown Eyed End!