Title: Coffee Keeps Everyone Sane
Status: Complete
Pairing(s): N/A
Additional Categories: Canon, One-Shot
Genre: Friendship, Humor (Slight)
Season/Episode/Book: Set somewhere in Season 8
Rating: Teen
Warnings: N/A
Spoilers: N/A
Summary: Really? How bad could it be with Daniel and Carter out of coffee for a week.
Series/Sequels: N/A
Author's Note: Yeah, I had the plan to have Daniel and Sam really coming off a serious caffeine addiction but I think that would have been major overkill.
Coffee Keeps Everyone Healthy
"Getting shot was an experience that Elise ranked on the 'unpleasantness' scale right around trying to survive a week without coffee."
~ S.M. Reine, "Sacrificed in Shadow"
There had been signs that this week was going to be on the list of unpleasantness, surpassing any Goa'uld encounter, alternate universe, evil mechanical bugs, and any other unpleasant things he had met through the gate.
But being the commanding officer of Stargate Command carried with it responsibilities that General Jack O'Neill could not just hand off on anyone, not matter how much he daydreamed about it. Not that it mattered as his military second-in-command, Colonel Reynolds, was currently off-planet on an initial survey of another as of yet unknown planet. Lucky for the fore-mentioned colonel, he was far, far, FAR away from the SGC at the moment. It also helped that the medical lockdown had restricted the control over the iris so that two commanding officers could open it.
Jack eyed the two resident geniuses before him who were looking at him with barely concealed annoyance in their eyes. He wondered if he could pile up all of the SGC's present stock of chocolate and offer it to the two belligerent scientists before him, especially with the news he just gave to them.
"The base is under lock down, and there is no more coffee?" Daniel Jackson and Samantha Carter asked, both of their tired eyes blinking owlishly. It looked like the days of trying to catch up on their dozens of projects was taking a toll on them despite their number of missions through the gate had decreased significantly over the past half a year since he accepted command of the SGC. At the incredulous tone, Jack felt the urge to make a joke out of it but considering how ragged his former teammates were, he swallowed the joke down.
"The next shipment was due today but due to the presence of the medical lock down, it's currently stuck up top with the other shipments that didn't make it through." Jack preened inwardly, pleased that he had explained the situation without giving a real reason as to why there was no more coffee at the SGC. Looks like those diplomatic lessons with Daniel were finally paying off.
Except, despite his brain being a little more sluggish than usual, Daniel could still process words faster than what Jack expected after running the most recent experiment with Carter for three days straight with little sleep. The blue eyes narrowed, the dreaded eyebrow furrowing as the thoughts were processed. "Jack, I overheard Walter discussing the situation with the quartermaster as even the infirmary is running low on supplies. He said that the shipment would have been here earlier if the request hadn't come late. Exactly what was Walter talking about?"
He could literally feel the drops of sweat trickling down his neck as he began to eye everything else in the room, ignoring the growing suspicion on Carter and Daniel's faces as well as the knowing smirk on Teal'c's.
"Sir, have you been checking your inbox for the requests and reports from the departments?" Carter asked, her tony icy. Oh god, Jack should have remembered how annoyed scientists were when their beloved experiments were messed with. He had just forgotten that Daniel and Carter had been working on a project both of them had been putting off due to the increased demand of off-world missions and diplomatic incidents. Hell, even though it had been months since the Anubis debacle, the near loss of Daniel on that apocalyptic happy world, and Carter's run in with her evil twin from Netu, the SGC had finally found some semblance of order. In fact, this was the first time both scientists would indulge in projects they had neglected for weeks, if not months.
He wondered how the big the pile of chocolate walnut cookies, blue jello, bags of finely grounded coffee beans, and Godiva chocolate he would have to procure to appease the two.
"Really, Jack? Wouldn't it have been so much to ask to have you go through your inbox every once and a while?" Daniel Jackson, resident archeologist and anthropologist of SG-1, asked of his best friend.
Jack quickly scrubbed that Plan B away. Chocolate would not be enough for this situation, not liking the way the archeologist was looking at him.
"I believe O'Neill feared that he would be lost under the paperwork he was denying was growing in stature in his office." Teal'c mentioned, leaning back in his chair, hands clasped sedately before him.
"Teal'c." Jack leaned forward, not liking that the Jaffa was poking at the growing threat before him. "Ease up, will ya? I was just busy at the time."
"Jack, even I know that the paperwork is the life's blood of the military installation. As long as the paper keeps flowing, so does the coffee maker in my office." Daniel shook his head. "Don't blame us when the caffeine addiction kicks in, Jack."
Jack shrugged his shoulders. "How bad can it be with you and Carter coming off your caffeine highs? You guys have only been here at the SGC for a couple weeks. Not enough time to get you guys seriously addicted on the liquid. "
Carter flashed him a toothy smile, one that sent shivers down the battle-hardened general's spine. "Sir, you have no idea." Daniel glared at him, his glasses flashing from the fluorescent light bulbs overheard, giving the archeologist a sinister look. Teal'c looked at him in sympathy.
Jack leaned back away from the pair.
Yeah, this week was going to rank on that list of unpleasant encounters.
The moment he could, Jack fled from his office while Walter was busy consulting with a few of the gate techs on gate maintenance which Siler decided to run through to take advantage of the gate shutdown. Seriously, there was only so much paperwork a guy could go through without losing his marbles. As he walked down the corridors of the SGC, he decided to head to Daniel's office to see what his friend was up to.
A few minutes later, he was standing outside the door, wondering why the lights were turned down so low in the office considering the time of day. He knocked gently on the door jamb, announcing himself as he passed through. "Hey, Daniel. How's it going?"
The archeologist's head came up, his blue eyes narrowing slightly. "Jack, what are you doing here? I thought Walter had you chained to your desk until you were done with the paperwork that was backlogged?"
Holding up his right hand, Jack flexed the digits. "I started to have hand cramps so I decided to take a break." He walked over to the desk and bent over, glancing at the laptop screen. "Is that the rock SG14 brought back from that one planet?
"If by that one planet you mean P42-XJ18, then yes, you are correct." Jack's eyebrow rose at the slight snarky tone he detected in Daniel's voice. His eyes searched the strained face before him and noticed the slight red eyes and the slight wrinkling of his friend's forehead.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. I just have a slight headache."
"Are you sure it's not the weird flu that Dr. Brightman advised everyone to watch out for?"
"Despite what you're thinking Jack, I'm not coming down with the flu SG20 brought back. I haven't experienced any of the other symptoms that were also included on the list, especially the red boils on the chest and abdomen nor the yellow pus that's been coming out of their noses." The general wrinkled his own nose at the description. Daniel leaned back in his chair and rubbed at his eyes underneath his glasses to try and ease the slight dryness from lack of sleep. "I've felt this before during my studies at Oriental Institute and UCLA." At Jack's questioning look, Daniel huffed. "It's caffeine withdrawal."
Jack leaned against the desk. "Really? You've only been Earth-side for about a month now. How can you already be hooked on a schedule to get your daily caffeine fix?"
"Because when the stores were stocked, I could reliably get a cup of coffee anywhere on the base at the same time. I needed the coffee to get through the day, especially with the late nights I've been pulling to get the reports down for the other teams to have before they 'gate out. My body got used it and now that I can't get my next cup, the headache is settling in along with the crankiness. Jack, can you stop playing with statue. That's a rare piece from the First Dynasty."
The roundish-object landed with a low smack into his palm as the general caught it out of the air at Daniel's irritated order. He carefully put it down before the other man's gaze. "Okay, maybe then I should get back to work. Walter will no doubt be looking for me by now." Jack turned to leave the office.
"Maybe you should have done that a few days ago so I could have a cup of coffee now." He heard the parting barb.
If Daniel was already that irritated in the first 24 hours of the lockdown, then Jack could only imagine what he would be like if the lockdown continued to drag on.
Who knew so much was spent on ink and paper?
Jack perused the general supplies list that was the file sitting currently on top of his to sign pile. He didn't bother going over every single line, just skimming the descriptions for anything that jumped out at him but nothing did so he signed it. He moved the request over to the signed pile that was slowly growing taller. One down, God knows how many more.
Among the requests for equipment, Jack had also read the requests for personnel including specific geeks and nerds that the various departments asked on a consultation business. Those reports on new individuals included a dossier completed with a full background check and other information on the person's ability to keep a secret. One had even caught his eye. Weirdly enough, even in Jack's books, one of the newer linguists had requested the help of one Steven Raynor.
Now, Jack didn't bother remembering the names of Daniel's colleagues usually as they tended to be just as flaky and passionate about their work but they didn't benefit from having Jack's trust and friendship. The thing was, however, that particular name was embedded in Jack's mind due to the Egypt cover-up that followed Daniel heading to Chicago for a funeral. When Jack read Daniel's report on the incident, what he could read from between the lines did not give the man any brownie points whatsoever.
Jack quickly denied it.
Plus, he didn't want to give Daniel anymore fuel. After the feeling of irritation he felt from Daniel barely 10 hours after the last caffeine fix, Jack was trying to stay away from Carter.
And speak of the devil. Jack tried to subtly fold on himself as the said lieutenant colonel walked into the commissary. From the rankled clothing and slightly frustrated look, it looked like Carter's day was also not going well without the steady coffee she usually depended on.
Trying to hide among the half-full room did nothing to conceal Jack, especially taking into consideration that he was also sitting at the table usually meant for SG-1. Hindsight is 20-20 as they said, Jack grumbled as Carter took a seat across from him, the cutlery rattling loudly. In of the corners sat an innocuous cup of tea from the smell of it.
"Hello, sir."
"Carter." Yes, he could do civil. Don't mention the fact that she was forced to drink tea for the small amount of caffeine in it and everything would work out fine. He survived worse before.
"Still working on that paperwork, I see." Carter scooped up a spoonful of the blue jello and ate it. And just like the soldier she was, Carter decided to go for the jugular.
Jack glanced down at the pen in his hand, voluntarily stopping his hand from twirling the pen around. "Yeah, just signing the usual documents. You know how it is, Carter."
"I'll have the report on the experiment Daniel and I were working on the past couple of days on your desk by the end of the day." The general winced. More paperwork. Lovely. He wondered if he could get past without reading it fully. "Unfortunately, the artifact turned out to be a bust. It was a museum piece of another reactor that the indigenous people came into contact with. Daniel actually found the museum serial numbers on the bottom. I thought they were just random scratches from handling but they weren't."
The pen tapped the table top as Carter continued to give a verbal report. He tried to focus on the next file but the words blurred out and he didn't want to sign it without knowing exactly what he was signing for. He remembered the prank Ferretti tried to pull on him that one time when Hammond had been on a week-long vacation and the newly stamped Colonel slipped in a request for Jack's office to be decorated. Two months later, after a long harrowing mission, Jack had come back to see his office had been painted a pastel pink color. It had taken a week for his request to go through to have his office returned to the base color of grey.
To this day, he still wondered how that request had gone through the channels.
"Sir, have you even listened to what I've telling you?"
Jack was jolted out of his wayward thoughts. He slammed the pen down, eyeing Carter's half-finished tray. "Artifact, dud. Got it." At Sam's annoyed look, Jack leaned forward. "Have you told Daniel any of this?"
"I would if I could be but he crashed about an hour ago in one of the rooms. He hasn't slept well the past couple of days. Normally, he would have gotten through the day but -" Carter twirled her fork.
"Yes, Carter. I know I forgot to sign for the shipment of coffee."
"Told you about the coffee addiction." Carter turned back to her plate. "I ran into Dr. Brightman while coming down here. She said the lockdown will probably be in effect for another few days.
Jack groaned. Reaching out, he began to gather his files. "I'll see you later, Carter."
"You too, sir."
"And don't bite anyone's head off, Carter!"
"Can't promise you that, sir!"
After a week-long lock-down, the CMO finally lifted the order once the tests results came back clean for the ragged SG team. The members were now resting comfortably in the infirmary, boil and pus free for the first time in 3 days. According to Brightman and the virology department, it had been an interesting cross between a flu-like virus and a strain similar to the varicella-zoster virus or Chicken Pox virus.
Walter entered the general's office to see O'Neill sitting at the desk. As he approached, the last file was placed into the Out box. "All done, sir?"
"Yes. Have the supplies been taken down?"
"Yes, sir. The quartermaster has reported all of the supplies are now being distributed through the SGC with the highest priority being dealt with first, including the medical supplies as well as the coffee shipments as you ordered."
"Good, good." O'Neill rubbed at his face. "Thank god because Daniel and Carter were driving me up through the wall."
Walter had heard of the witness accounts of Dr. Jackson and Colonel Carter blazing through the hallway on short fuses due to the caffeine withdrawals both were suffering from. Thankfully, Walter hadn't come across the two while running throughout the base to get people what they needed during the lock down from the dwindling supplies they had on base. "Sir, was it really that bad?"
The general's hands fell away, the man scrutinizing him to check to see if his curiosity was genuine.
"Let me put it this way, Walter; getting tortured is an experience that I ranked on the unpleasantness scale underneath trying to survive a week with Daniel and Carter out coffee for said amount of time. If that is all for today, I'll be heading home."
"Yes, sir."
"Oh, and Walter?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Never, ever, come between a scientist and their next cup of coffee. Never."
"Of course, sir." Walter waited until it was confirmed that the general had left the mountain before heading to Dr. Jackson's office. He knocked on the doorjamb before entering to see Colonel Carter and Doctor Jackson sitting around the desk, steaming mugs of black coffee black in hand.
"Hey, Walter." Dr. Jackson greeted warming, his blue eyes twinkling.
"Sergeant Harriman. Hold on a second while I call the general." Colonel Carter put down her mug and began dialing a now familiar number. It was a few seconds before the person she was calling picked up the phone.
"General Hammond."
"Sir, we are all here."
"I presume the mission was a success?" The two scientists looked at him, wondering what the brigadier general had said before leaving.
"It seems General O'Neill has learned his lesson of making sure the reports on his desk are finished on time and that he read his memos as they come in instead of waiting until the last minute to finish them, sir." Dr. Jackson and Colonel Carter grinned.
"I'm surprised that Jack didn't catch on to what we were doing." Dr. Jackson stated, sipping at his coffee. "Does he really think that we're addicted to this stuff?"
"I think we went a little overboard to get our respective departments on it too. I talked to Dr. Brightman and she admitted that she embellished the symptoms while explaining our altered personalities the past week when the general called him."
Dr. Jackson turned to his friend and fellow team member. "You got Dr. Brightman on it?"
"It wasn't hard. She was a little miffed that the supplies she had ordered hadn't be ordered and were waiting on the tarmac on top."
"She wasn't the only one. There were quite a few people that were annoyed that their requested items did not come in until the last minute." Walter stated before eyeing the phone. "Sir, the report from the latest lockdown will be on your desk so you can review the nature of the virus that was brought back through the gate."
"Good, the president will have the sample sent off to the CDC for further processing and storage. Well, it seems the quartermaster will be happy now that it seems Jack will fill out those forms on time. Dr. Jackson, Colonel Carter, than you for your help. Walter, just make sure he keeps doing it. Good night people."
"Good night, General."
"Good night, sir."
The phone went dead.
Dr. Jackson put his finished mug on the tabletop. "I'm heading home."
"Me too. I've missed my own bed." Colonel Carter admitted as she stood up, grabbing her jacket. "What about you, Walter?"
The sergeant shook his head. "I still need to make sure the supplies are distributed. I'll be here another couple of hours before I can head home tonight. Thankfully, it's the last time, I'll have to stay behind to make sure everything goes where it should go."
"That would definitely be a bonus." Dr. Jackson agreed. He clapped a hand on Walter's shoulder before leaving with Colonel Carter. Walter sighed. At least it would be the last time he would have to stay behind to make sure the supplies were put away. Tucking his clipboard under an arm, he headed for the break room. A cup of warm coffee sounded good right now.