Just reread "The Bartimaeus Trilogy" and I just can't get enough of Bartimaeus. I recommend the book to all. Anyway, I was reading it, but I was still not over being obsessed with the Twilight series. I wanted to write something with a sarcastic tone in it and decided it had to be set in Twilight. I couldn't think of anyone who can be as sarcastic as Bartimaeus so I just chose the first person that popped into my head. I needed an explanation for his new sarcasm so decided to just give him a really bad day.

"WHAT ARE YOU? STUPID?!"

No but you are.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"

No to be exact.

"ANSWER ME!"

"What do you want me to say?" I dead-panned.

This was so not one of my days. For one thing, my feet were weary from chasing a masochistic squirrel accusing me of stealing its nut, and secondly , Bella was somewhere else, on a trip with her dad, leaving me stuck with nothing to do but to help out the family.

And because of those two factors that seem to bring about my inevitable bad day, I felt sarcasm dripping in every part of my body. That usually didn't happen of course. I don't strike people as the sarcastic type. Not even I strike myself as that type.

I, Edward Cullen, was being sarcastic. Hah!

"I want you to answer me and tell me what you've done with my pie!"

I blinked up at the Cullen behemoth in front of me. Pie? PIE? Who the heck was talking about pie?

Emmet didn't answer me. He glared from under his lashes attempting to look frightening. Of course this was a futile attempt. The dimples didn't help. When he wasn't being a vampire, he looked the type that ended up in a bunch of girly slaps.

I blinked, for the umphteenth time that day. Emmet usually seemed the innocent yet menacing type despite the dimples. He didn't end up bitch slapping people. No, he was the type that looked like he could do with a full-on fight. But that didn't seem to be the case today. Far from it.

"Look, I just went out in search of a squirrel who gave me a large lump to remember it by"-I pointed to a lump on my head where the rodent threw its acorn at me-"and I come home being accused of stealing pie. Do you see anything wrong with this picture?"

This way of talking did not suit the gentleman in me at all. I was born in the early 1900's and I was talking as if I just came from the hub.

See? There it was again. The squirrel must've hit my head harder than I thought. What kind of twentieth-century gentleman said hub? I shivered, becoming a tad bit afraid of myself and my newly-found personality.

And…why was I chasing a squirrel anyway?

"It was blueberry…." Emmet murmured.

Who the hell cared? It could have been blueberry or strawberry or-wait. Something crossed my mind. I could've slapped my forehead at the fact that I didn't notice it sooner but the lump was still there.

"You don't eat pie," I stated.

"Pie is good for the soul," Emmet declared. There was a transition in his eyes from muddy brown to topaz as a dreamy expression crossed his face. I rolled my eyes to the sky at the pun he unintentionally stated. "As if you have a soul," I murmured.

An expression mixed with shock and more so hurt contorted his apparently angel-like face. The dimples set themselves into place despite the grimace. His eyes changed back to its original muddy brown.

"But pie is good," he whimpered.

Seriously, who was this guy?

I tried to get the truth straight out from his mind. Either this was some kind of alternate universe where everyone's personalities (mine included) were mixed up or I was in a reality TV show. The first explanation seemed to make more sense.

I focused my mind into his awareness.

Nothing.

Except a bunch of chirping crickets.

…

That was not right. Chirping crickets inside the evidently dumb guy's head representing the fact that there is nothing in his brain because of the fact that he's …dumb….is something you see on one of those gay cartoons. This was definitely not a gay cartoon.

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Emmet was smart. No, Emmet is smart.The dumb guy was supposedly not able to even read the Alphabet. The Emmet Edward knew could recite it backwards in 9 different languages without so much as a hesitation. So why were we previously having a strange conversation on pie and why are there chirping crickets in his head?

My "brother" misinterpreted my silence.

His muddy brown eyes turned even muddier and his lower lip trembled. He ran away screaming "Edward hates me!"

I blinked at the empty space that used to be Emmet. It was official. I was in an alternate universe. No wonder I was being ungentleman-ish.

I decided to go to Carlisle and talk to him about it but before I could even take one full step Alice was in front of me, beaming endlessly with brilliant white teeth.

Not in the mood to start reading minds, I just asked straight out. "What?"

"Let's go shopping Edward!"

"Whut?" I asked in a more dead tone.

She grabbed my hand and towed me to her yellow Porsche.

Dot, dot, dot…

I like the second chapter more actually. Can't wait to finish it then upload it. Hope you like this one! Read and press the button down there to tell me what you think! Tell me if i left any typos un-untypo-ed.