Disclaimer: Don't own any of it.

Notes: Jess, take April back, and tie her up, and NEVER let her out again, please?

This story is based somewhat on the song Touniquet by Evanescence. Not a songfic, but inspired bythe song. Dedicated to the one who normally keeps April at bay, but for some reason let her loose so I'd have to hear Roger bitching about her. Tell her to leave me alone, Jess. xD

Hope you all like it. Wow, -gasp- it's not about Mark or Roger. -GASP!- I know, I know. Shh, don't tell anybody. They might get the wrong idea. xDD Enjoy!

My Name Was April

I stared deeply into that mirror above the sink in the bathroom of the loft. Thought after thought flooded my mind. What am I doing? What is he going to think? What about my family, my friends? Am I really gonna throw it all away because I have an incurable disease? One that I got because of my stupidity?

My entire future, or what was left of it was in one hand. I held tight to that knife; the knife I always carried around with me for 'protection'. The only protection I ever needed was from myself. In the other hand I clenched tightly to the note I had written for Roger: "We have AIDS!" I watched the tears flow freely down my cheeks thinking about those three little words. I was scared.

The fear inside was eating away at me. Am I too lost to be saved? Just knowing I sentenced Roger and myself to death. If I hadn't shared that needle with the guy I was fucking for the stupid drugs. The drugs were what fucked me up to begin with.

My makeup stained my face black. I wiped away the tears, only smearing it across my cheeks. I didn't want to cry. I had no right. I fucked up, and this was my punishment.

Did I really deserve this? What had I done that was so wrong? My life used to be normal. My life had meaning. I went to school. I got good grades. I had tons of friends, and could have any boy I wanted.

I met Roger.

He introduced me to a world I had only seen in movies, and never dared to live before I met him. He showed me what it was to live. He loved me like no one ever had. He introduced me to a life that seemed to consist only of wild parties, loud music, and incredible sex.

It wasn't like I was an angel or anything, far from it. I had been to parties; getting drunk with friends, having sex, protected or not. I knew about it all. But that was high school.

I had gone with a few friends… well, more like snuck in, to a club one night after finals my freshman year of college. Summer was about to begin, and I wanted to start it off right.

The music was exceedingly loud, and the band playing looked like something out of cheesy eighties music video. Except for the lead singer. The front man he would call himself. He was hot. No, I mean HOT!

My friends kept urging me to go and talk to him… to the point where they literally pushed me into him. He caught me, and my face turned crimson. His smile was to die for…

"I'm so sorry about that. I must've tripped." I immediately shot a nasty look at my friends. Some friends.

"Hey, no problem. You okay?" I could tell he had been drinking. His breath not only reeked of alcohol, he himself was a bit on the clumsy side.

I smiled shyly. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks. I think I tripped over my friends' shoe or something." I turned to face them, and the one who had pushed grinned.

That was my first meeting with Roger Davis, pretty boy front man.

During those summer months I would go see his gigs. Whether it was at CBGB's, or the Pyramid Club, I would find myself in his arms then in his bed. He was the best lover I had ever had.

When school had started back up again, I rarely made appearances in my classes, and began ditching all together just to go to New York City to see him. I even changed the way I dressed, and wore much more makeup than I ever had before. I started dying my hair odd colours too: bright red, electric blue, shocking violet. Whatever I felt like. It became a habit, and then eventually a part of my daily routine. I was no longer the girl with the normal life.

I changed myself; and not just for him, but for myself as well. I was never satisfied with the person I used to be, and a constant change was exactly what I needed to feel secure in myself. If I didn't like how I looked, I changed it.

Roger eventually asked me to be more than just his fuck buddy. I was surprised since he lived such a fast paced life. Music, alcohol, bars, clubs, gigs… then eventually the drugs. The drugs seemed to keep us going. It was the one thing that allowed us to move so quickly in that world… that life.

It started with meth.

Neither of us really got into meth, and switched to cocaine. I liked cocaine and the feeling it gave me. We also did 'e', but that was usually when we'd go out. I liked to dance and I'd always make him go dancing with me. He hated it, but always went along with me. And with a smile. Once the cocaine became a bore we had to find something else… something that could really get us going… heroin.

Months had passed, and I received a notice from the dean of the college that I was being expelled for not keeping my grades up after being placed on academic probation. I was shit-out-of-luck, and nowhere to go.

Roger had told me plenty of times of these friends of his that he lived with… a whole bunch of people in a warehouse-like loft. It was a pretty big place, and it housed five people. He offered me a place to stay, and I accepted.

My life with Roger Davis…

I can't blame Roger for where I was at that moment; staring at that mirror in the bathroom of the loft… it wasn't his fault. I fucked up, not him. I was the one who went to see him… tried the drugs, and all that went with that. I was the one who shared that needle… I fucked around.

I killed him… and myself.

The knife seemed to move on its own. I had no control over what I was doing. I tried to kill my pain, but only brought more… I just wanted it all to go away. The pain I felt… unbearable pain. I wanted it to stop.

I WANT TO DIE!

I felt my body fall in slow motion, like a movie slowed down for effect. I hit the floor hard. I lay dying… pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I could feel it… the warm liquid slowly retreating from my body. I'm dying… praying… bleeding… screaming. It hurt.

I wanted it to end as quickly as it had begun. Why had I done this? Why didn't I just tell him? Why did I take the coward's way out? Can I be saved?

The darkness was slowly creeping into my vision; taking over. I was going under. My body was shutting down, and all I could feel now was cold. Not from the bathroom floor, not even from the draftiness of the loft. It was death. It was overtaking me. It was winning me over, and this was one game no one could win. Not without help. I had no help. I died… completely alone.

My name was April.