The Color of Red
XX
Rusty shades printed on soft white cloth, a violent shock of color coating the dull blade of a razor. The soft slicing sounds of splitting flesh. Shinji stared down at the red beads glistening on his arm with dull eyes. When had it become habit? The continuous ritual of cutting his wrists and methodically bandaging them…
I'll need to pick up some gauze soon… I'm almost out… noted Shinji as he wrapped what was left around his wrist, making sure to tuck it in the right way so it wouldn't come loose. Picking up the razor and dipping it under the running faucet to rinse it clean of the blood, Shinji found his mind to be drifting. He always felt a little detached after losing blood, the haze seemed to cloud his mind.
The diluted pink of the blood and water mixture in the sink was making his head spin even more. Shinji hated blood; he had hated it even when he had been a small child, ever since he had piloted Eva 01 the hate had become stronger.
Angel's blood, bursting in hot, bright clouds… Kaworu's blood, still steaming, staining his hands… Shinji gritted his teeth and squeezed the handle of the razor, not heeding the way his delicate skin was beginning to chafe. A small trickle of the liquid he detested made its way down his palm like a dying waterfall.
"Get it off, dammit! Get it off!" he cried, thrusting his hands under the water and wincing when the heat scalded his skin. Still he fervently rinsed, even after the wound on his palm stopped bleeding. Finally he stopped, panting slightly. Slowly he brought his head up to look in the mirror.
Feverish black-blue eyes gazed back at him, his cheeks were flushed and his dark brown hair stuck up in all directions. I look like I'm crazy… thought Shinji humorlessly, turning off the faucet.
Your insane all right… whispered a soft voice, Shinji gasped; he had heard that voice many times before, often haunting his nightmares. How've you been Shinji-kun? said Kaworu's disembodied voice, I've missed you…
"Kaworu?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly, "You…No! Why are you talking to me, you're dead!" I killed you! screamed Shinji mentally, gripping his head tightly in between his hands. A figure appeared in the small bathroom behind Shinji. At first the pale features were impersonal and unrecognizable, but soon they rippled and formed the slender being of Kaworu, the dead 5th children and Angel.
When you're insane anything can happen, even the dead can speak, I'm only in your mind after all, murmured Kaworu stepping forward and speaking into Shinji's ear. A ghostly white hand caressed the side of his face, the touch as light as the brush of a butterfly's wing. Aren't you glad I love you so much?
"I killed you! You can't love me… It's impossible…" whimpered Shinji, slumping down upon the cold tile, "It doesn't make sense."
Nothing makes sense anymore, replied Kaworu, kneeling and wrapping pale arms around the trembling boy from behind, Nothing ever did…
"Stop it", sobbed Shinji, "Get out of my mind, stop haunting me!" He was seeing it all over again, it was like watching an endless filmstrip, Kaworu's head popping off and falling into the water, red blood staining his hands, blood that would never wash off no matter how much water was used.
I can't get out of your mind, Shinji, whispered the Angel, After all, I am a mere figment of your subconscious. You're the one who should stop thinking about me. Translucent fingers trailed down Shinji's warm body, brushing against soft fabric until they reached the floor. Then they began the slow journey upward, creeping up the delicate curve of Shinji's neck, leaving goose bumps in their wake.
Shinji shivered, straining away from the delicate touch of the other, yet at the same time leaning into it. The conflicting desires of his mind and his body left him confused. It had been so long since he had been touched by someone else, yet it was Kaworu who was touching him, a traitor, and a boy for that matter…
Sensing a conflict from the other, Kaworu gently pressed his lips to the nape of Shinji's neck, making the other gasp.
Instinctively Shinji pressed into the other, it was getting harder to control his body as his logic began to fade away. "Iie…" he managed to murmur, before his body's autopilot took over and pressed more decisively into the other.
Yes, that's right, whispered Kaworu gently, red eyes glittering, just let yourself go… He turned the other boy around so Shinji was facing him and quickly pressed their lips together into an artificially chaste kiss.
Shinji reacted immediately, deepening the kiss and parting his mouth to allow Kaworu entrance. Dulled cobalt eyes gazed into red, allowing himself to drown in their depths. He was falling, falling deep into a sea of crimson.
The faint sound of Beethoven seemed to echo off the walls as blood stained the virgin tile of the bathroom floor.
Owari –
A/N: Good gravy that was angsty! In case no one got the ending, basically when Shinji cut himself he lost too much blood and ended up passing out, so the whole thing with Kaworu was in his mind (it wasn't really Kaworu, more like Shinji's unrequited feelings for him that took a physical form). Then he lost too much blood and died… Dancing a mad dance with Kaworu in his own heaven and hell…. --
I was inspired for this story by Lady Macbeth from Shakespeare. I was thinking about the part where she was washing her hands of blood and this story came to me. I love Evangelion, Kaworu and Shinji, so put them together and add the angsty mood of an author, and this is what you get.
BTW: Evangelion Neon Genesis does not belong to me, I'm not cool enough. Also, I apologize for the long wait for Cold Fire, I've been busy and lazy, but it should be up very very soon!
Please Review!!