A/N: This songfics just plague me. Literally, every song I listen to attempts to become a songfic! But, well, this song touched me. It's beautiful, it's sad…and it's them.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, that would be DPB, or the lyrics to this song, which is Taylor Swift.
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go
Away
Away?
He could still picture her face. He could still see her lily-white skin glowing in the darkness as she smiled at him, so early in the morning.
Nearly two in the morning, they were both up, watching each other in the darkness of the small apartment they were undercover in. They'd spent the night as they usually did-wrapped in each other. Now, they lay quietly, fingers skimming across skin, eyes locked together.
"I love you." she whispered, her words filling the silent room. The syllables came together; their meaning hit him, and his mind went almost blank at the admission. That moment would be forever burned in his mind; the time, the date, her face. Everything.
"I love you too." he replied back, his voice just as soft as hers. He'd thought she meant it.
So why was she gone now?
I do recall now
The smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
She could clearly smell the rain now, when she thought back to it.
She could smell the dampness of the pavement as she quickly walked away. As she brought herself further and further from the man she was in love with.
As she broke her heart.
It was July; it wasn't warm in Paris though. It was cold and drizzly, the outdoors holding that musky smell that came before a huge thunderstorm.
As she turned her back on a future she could have had, she could still feel his heartbeat. She could still feel his heart beating against her fingers; could still feel it jumping through the fabric of the t-shirt he was wearing, sitting on that plane by himself.
She could still feel his arms tugging her against him. She could still fill his hands on her body; she could still feel his gaze on her skin.
She could still feel his love.
And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
She sank to the floor in the new apartment she was in, barely able to hold back the tears. She threw her things on the ground, not caring in the slightest where they landed. She just wanted things to go back to the way they were.
She dug around in her closet, finding his old flannel shirt and putting it on, his scent surrounding her. Tears filled her eyes, and she sunk to her knees as sobs ripped through her throat.
He was getting married again. And it wasn't to her.
And now, she had absolutely no idea how to be someone he missed anymore.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
He'd never have thought that they'd end. Never thought that what they had would ever be over. He'd thought she was the one; the one to help him completely move on from the past. The one to help him fully heal.
He could still fill her kiss, still hear her voice, could still see her face.
Her name would never leave his lips; they would forever stay in his heart, even if they were to never see each other again.
I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did
In all those Parisian clubs, she'd been the one on the dance floor. She'd been the one partying, being the center of attention. She'd been the one to grab his hand, bringing him onto the dance floor with her.
She'd show off, flashing him that dazzling smile. Then, she'd be dragging him into the center of the floor, laughing. He'd roll his eyes, but then she'd tug him closer, and everything would change.
He didn't dance. Not usually.
But for Jenny, he did.
Because I love your handshake
Meetin' my father
His dad had come to see him, before they'd left to go to Europe. He'd walked right into the squad room, and he'd stood, surprised. It had been a long time since he'd seen his dad. Not since Shannon and Kelly's funerals.
He'd introduced his dad to his team, and even though he and Jenny weren't lovers at that point, she'd extended her hand, shaking his father's firmly. That handshake had been something extraordinary. He hadn't known it yet, but this woman would take his life and turn it completely upside down.
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
She could still remember the way he would walk down the streets of Paris. She could still see the way his hand were stuck firmly in his pockets, the way his gait was leisure; almost a stroll. He didn't give a damn about what the passerby thought.
He was in total control.
She desperately missed the way he'd stare at her while she was talking, then completely interrupt her with a kiss. She'd be mid-stream, and then suddenly his lips would be on hers, silencing her. It'd be as annoying as hell, but the way his eyes would glint, mischief playing across his features, would erase all irritation from her.
She'd give anything for him to interrupt her with a kiss again.
But I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Another horrible day. Another night of coming home to an empty house. Another night without him.
She pulled that same flannel button-up shirt out, sliding her arms through the too-bit holes. The shirt swamped her, but it made her feel closer to him. This was as close as she could get now.
She wished she could see him, even if it was just once. Just to see how he was doing. To see what his life was like now.
To see if he missed her.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
She hadn't thought about a last kiss. She hadn't thought about their end. She honestly hadn't thought about an end at all.
She hadn't herself, for how she'd left him. A letter? She was an idiot, and a bitch to boot.
How would he ever forgive her? How could he ever forgive her?
She'd never thought she'd turn out to be a heartbreaker.
Even the best fall down.
So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
He followed her career through the media. They swarmed her; praising her for this and that.
She still looked beautiful, he couldn't help noticing, when a camera zoomed in on her face. Her hair was longer, her bangs nearly shadowing her eyes, and there were dark circles underneath those gorgeous emerald green eyes. But she was still beautiful; she was still his Jenny. The Jenny he'd forever remember.
He used to watch her sleep peacefully in his arms. Now, he watched her climb the political ladder. He prayed she wouldn't fall.
He couldn't catch her now.
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are
It was almost a subconscious thing, she discovered. It was like each day that passed, she felt him forget her the tiniest bit. When they'd been lovers, it had been like she could feel each breath he took, even when he wasn't close enough for her to hear him draw in each lungful of air. It had been a connection.
She felt that connection slowly start to weaken.
She still talked to some of the guys from the old team. The ones who she'd worked with before Europe.
Before she'd left.
Before her mistake.
She did it merely so that she could find out how he was. How he was holding up, how he was coping.
If he was moving on.
She looked out the window, taking in the thick storm clouds and the distant rumble of thunder. She hoped it was nicer where he was. She wanted him to be happy, even if she wasn't there.
And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind
He hoped that, wherever she was, it was beautiful. He hoped the sky was clear, the sun was out, and the flowers were blooming. He hoped she was walking along, enjoying the sunshine, when something- anything- reminded her.
Reminded her of what she'd left behind.
Made her wish she'd stayed with him. Made her wish to go back. Made her wish she was with him at that very instant.
At that moment, Jenny was walking down the street in the small town she was in. The sun was shining, and the air smelled like flowers. The day was almost enjoyable, she had to admit.
She took a sip of her coffee, the strong flavor coating her tongue. She almost smiled- but then, a little girl toddled across her path, chased by her young mother. The little girl had red curls and big blue eyes; her chubby cheeks had dimples in them as she giggled happily, and she clapped her hands as she waddled away from her mother slowly.
Jenny's heart ached. That could have been her daughter that had just toddled past. She could be the mother scooping that child up, smothering her in kisses and smiling as those peals of baby laughter filled the air.
But it wasn't. And it never would be.
There was no back-up plan for this. No plan B, no recovery team. A relationship wasn't like a picnic; if it rained, you could change the date. If it was too early for one of the people, they could adjust the time.
You couldn't adjust it if one of the two changed their mind.
So
I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
What a mess.
Her first day at work, and already she was in desperate, deep trouble.
Not two seconds after Tom Morrow had handed off the Directorship to her, she knew he was having a flashback. And an extremely inappropriate one, no doubt.
She had no idea how she was going to handle being his boss.
She grabbed that old flannel shirt, sliding it on over her nightgown. It didn't smell like him anymore- it had been a long six years. But she still felt a form of comfort when she wore it; she still felt close to him.
She curled up into a ball on her mattress, ignoring the piles of files for the time being.
She'd let herself cry for a while first.
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
He sat in his house, the mason jar of bourbon clutched tightly in his hand.
She was back.
Six years of hell, and she'd just walked back in like nothing had happened. Well, that wasn't true. She knew something had happened…and she didn't want to revisit it. Period.
How could she do that? Did she just shut off her emotions? Or had she really, truly felt nothing?
Had he ever been something she'd missed?
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
Weeks later, he was in her office arguing over a case with her. It was all they ever did anymore.
"Jethro, the FBI has every right to take the case. A serial killer killed the Petty Officer, and the FBI has been after this killer for months now. It was out of my hands." Jenny said, shrugging her shoulders and closing the case file. Jethro glared, and she glared back. "Something else?"
"Yeah Jen." he said, turning back towards the door, ready to walk away. "What the hell happened?"
"Happened to what?"
"What the hell happened to us." he said, turning around to look at her. She faltered, biting her lip. A question rose to her lips, and she didn't have time to stop it.
Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
"Do you remember our last kiss?"
She shouldn't be asking. But she had to know.
And, to add another reason to hate herself, she couldn't remember what their last kiss had been.
He glanced up sharply, obviously caught off guard. She watched his blue eyes glaze slightly, his face soften slightly as he fell into a memory.
"Do you?"
She glanced up, meeting his gaze briefly. She shook her head, breaking the gaze, biting her lip against the tears threatening to spill over. She heard him take a deep breath, and then he spoke, his voice so soft and gentle; filled with rare emotion.
"It was after breakfast. We had packed the night before, and I'd run out and gotten coffee and pastries from that little café down the street from the hotel. We were getting dressed, and I'd missed a button on my shirt. You reached over, fixed it, and kissed me softly on the lips. It was quick, only a second, but it meant something so much more. I didn't realize it until later, but you'd been saying goodbye."
Now, Jenny didn't stop the tears. They trailed down her cheeks, wetting her neck as they slide.
"I'm sorry Jethro."
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last
No matter where life led them now, no matter what they did or who they met, he would always be her one and only. He'd always be the man she loved.
She glanced over at him, surprised at the raw emotion in his eyes and face. She stood, walking over to him. She touched his cheek, and his eyes flashed, pain flooding through to the surface.
"Make me remember."
He knew her meaning immediately; he barely hesitated.
He leaned over and kissed her gently, just like she remembered. But it still was not a kiss of hello.
Just like her kiss in Paris, it was a kiss of goodbye.