Once again the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men characters has gone to the movies. Left popcorn all over the floor too. Just some musings and madness dealing with the latest X-Men movie, Days of Future Past. So prepare for spoilers! And a few other things…
Brotherhood: Days of Future Lawsuits
"All right yo! It's time once again for Brotherhood Sneaking in the Movies!" Todd whooped from his seat in the theater. There with him was Pietro, Lance, Fred and Pyro with plenty of popcorn.
"Today we review the blockbuster X-Men Days of Future Past!" Pietro grinned. "Clearly this is my favorite entry in the whole series! Ever!"
"Gee I wonder why?" Lance sighed.
"Now I know we haven't done any of these in a while," Pyro spoke up. "I mean we were gonna do the Wolverine movie one but uh…"
"Honestly he's a scene hog who has to chew up all the attention around him," Pietro spoke up.
"And that's coming from him," Todd pointed to Pietro.
"Basically the last movie about him was all about him wanting to give up his powers blah, blah, blah…" Pietro waved. "Because he's tired of them and outliving his friends."
"Personally I don't see the problem with that last part," Lance added. "There some people I am looking forward to outliving."
"He wouldn't be so tired if he didn't overuse his powers," Fred spoke up. "I mean I can survive getting hit by a truck easily but that doesn't mean I go out and play in traffic every day!"
"So let's move off of him and let's get on to the real breakout star of the movie!" Pietro grinned. "ME!"
"Thanks a lot Marvel," Lance remarked. "We're gonna be hearing this all summer!"
"I cannot understate how brilliantly I was depicted in this movie," Pietro grinned. "My character basically stole the show!"
"And everything else that wasn't nailed down," Todd quipped. "Seriously? Why can't you steal that much stuff in real life?"
"Yeah we'd be rolling in the dough if we had half as much stuff as that kid had in his basement," Pyro added.
"Not only did the director clearly and definitively show what it is like to be me while I am going at super speed…" Pietro went on. "But I save Wolverine, Magneto and Professor X! The three biggest baddest mutants on the planet and I save their butts!"
"Again…Marvel. Thanks…" Lance groaned.
"Well of course I'm not really surprised at how my character was depicted at how heroic and talented I am," Pietro went on. "I just didn't know the director of the movie could figure it out."
"Yeah, where's his home address again?" Fred asked. "Some of us want to pay him a visit."
"I only wish I could see more of me on the screen," Pietro sighed. "Oh well since I'm going to be in the next Avengers movie I guess you could call this a prequel."
"Meaning there's going to me more of this in the future," Lance groaned.
"Obviously they had to leave me behind after I heroically save their lives because let's face it if I had come with them the movie would have been over in like, five minutes," Pietro preened. "Ten tops."
"That's about as much time as we're going to need with Bryan Singer," Fred remarked. "More than enough to get our point across."
"You know I was in that movie too ya know?" Todd gave him a look.
"For like a scene and a half at tops," Pietro waved. "Not even a full minute now that I think about it. Clearly I was the star of the movie."
"Uh…." Lance began.
"Oh yeah, yeah…" Pietro waved. "And Wolverine, Mystique, Magneto and Professor X. Honestly their storylines were kind of boring for the most part. Not as wonderful as mine. Of course we all know Wolverine is a scene hog…"
"Takes one to know one," Fred added.
"I'd also like to make a remark on the bold yet brilliant use of Peter Dinklage as Bolivar Trask," Pietro went on. "Irony ran pretty wild in this film."
"Uh oh," Todd blinked.
"We're gonna get letters," Fred groaned.
"First of all I love Peter Dinklage, love him!" Pietro said. "Of course not as much as I love the actor who played me obviously but still…I think he was a bold choice to play that slime ball Trask. Bold and ironic."
"I'd like to remind our viewers that the opinions stated by Quicksilver do not in any way reflect anyone else's opinions at all," Lance spoke up.
"First of all I think we can all agree that Dinklage's interpretation had more of a personality than the real Trask," Pietro went on. "And brilliantly exposes the hypocrisy of that mutant hating loser. And all other mutant hating losers like him."
"Seriously please don't hold us responsible for what this lunatic says," Lance added.
"I'm just saying it's funny that a guy who thinks that mutant genes are inferior and imperfect is portrayed by another guy who…" Pietro began.
Just then Fred slapped his hand over Pietro's mouth. "No! No Pietro! Remember what the nice lady from the last time we were in court said about saying things we can't take back!"
"This is another reason why we haven't done one of these in a long time," Lance said. "We haven't been able to hire a good lawyer just in case."
"Especially since the theaters we go to have a slight tendency to burn to the ground," Todd groaned.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pyro remarked.
"Well yeah! Because the concession stands burn down too!" Fred snapped. Pietro was trying to struggle. "Not until you promise to keep your mouth shut! We talked about this Quicksilver! AAAH! Why are you licking my hand?"
"Ewww…Tastes like butter flavored nachos," Pietro pulled away and spat. "Fine! I will walk the path of political correctness! Ugh! And where did you get cherry flavored M&M's?"
"I dropped some in my soda by accident," Fred said. "Although I do admit Pietro that I did find Mr. Dinklage's performance to be much more personable and intelligent than the real Trask."
"A bar of soap is more personable and intelligent than the real Trask," Todd said.
"And that's coming from a guy who doesn't use it much," Pietro said.
"Let's just go ahead with the rest of our commentary before an angry mob decides to burn us with flames," Lance groaned. "Speaking of which take it away Pyro."
"And now the other great things about this movie," Pyro spoke up cheerfully. "Number One: Iceman dies not once, but twice in this movie! Count 'em! Twice!"
"Number Two," Lance said. "Colossus dies in this movie! Very painfully I might add!"
"Number Three, almost all the X-Men die or get the crap kicked out of them in some way or another in the movie," Todd said. "Unfortunately they don't stay dead. Even Jean who died like two movies ago or something. How did that happen?"
"And even worse Summers isn't dead either," Lance groaned.
"Have you people not been paying attention all these years?" Fred asked. "Almost nobody stays dead in the X-Men permanently. It's kind of like their thing."
"Here's another thing," Lance spoke up. "Since when does Kitty have the ability to send someone's consciousness back in time? That's not her power!"
"Well maybe she'll get that power in the future?" Todd asked.
"I don't think so," Fred chuckled. "If she does don't you think she would have sent her future self to break up with Lance before they started dating?"
"That is a very good point Blob," Pietro grinned.
"Or better yet, send Lance back to warn him not to date Kitty at all," Pyro added.
"You guys are never going to let my past with Kitty go are you?" Lance groaned.
"Not until we perfect time travel and go back to the past," Pyro said.
"To break you two up before you started dating," Pietro said. "And then we wouldn't have to live through the whole thing."
"And hear the constant complaining and whining," Todd groaned. "Endless angst about Pretty Kitty and how much Lance felt he wasn't good enough for her at times and how you wanna bang your head into the wall until you go deaf and your brains ooze out of your ears!"
"Okay guys, take a note," Pietro said. "If we do get a time travel machine the second thing we do is go back and break up Lance and Kitty before they ever start dating! And save us all from the nightmare that was their relationship."
"Second thing? What is the first?" Lance asked.
"To stop us from last week's Norwegian Taco Sushi fusion night," Pietro made a face.
"Oh yeah. That was a bad idea," Fred winced. "Even I got a tummy ache from that!"
"Pickled pepperoni sounds good on paper but uh…" Pyro winced. "In real life not so much."
"I expelled things from my body I didn't even know existed," Todd moaned. "Seriously I think I lost a couple of bones!"
"I know I felt like I tore myself a new one," Lance moaned. "Obviously the director took a few liberties with this movie. And some out of the field changes!"
"Yeah what a twist. Making Mystique the hero of the film," Todd shook his head. "Gotta admit I did not see that coming."
"That's a Hail Mary Pass if I ever saw one," Fred agreed.
"On the contrary," Mystique walked in wearing an expensive white dress and silver fur coat. "I think it's about time Hollywood saw my potential."
"Great at least three months of this," Sabertooth groaned as he walked in with Magneto. "Thanks a lot Marvel!"
"Congratulations," Magneto glared at the Brotherhood. "You turned her into one of you!"
"What are you doing here?" Pyro asked Sabertooth. "You weren't in the movie."
"I'm only here because I lost a bet," Sabertooth groaned. "That is all I am going to say."
"For crying out loud! Wolverine has killed ten times more people than I have and he's practically Marvel's mutant golden boy," Mystique snapped. "Is it really that much of a stretch that I could step up and be a hero too?"
"I can't even imagine you helping a little old lady across the street much less be a hero," Sabertooth snorted.
"Shut up," Mystique snapped. "Anti-heroes are in now."
"Well then you are in luck," Lance grumbled.
"And they are personable," Fred spoke up.
"That's your word of the day isn't it Blob?" Mystique sighed.
"Yes it is," Fred nodded happily.
"Since when do you care about your image?" Magneto asked Mystique.
"Since I was portrayed on screen by an Oscar winning actress!" Mystique snapped. "Jennifer is a very talented actress."
"And personable," Fred added.
"Jennifer?" Magneto asked incredulously.
"She said to call her that. We had lunch," Mystique shrugged. "She needed some notes for the role. What? Like I was going to say no?"
"Especially since her agent was paying for it," Todd added.
"I don't believe this," Magneto groaned. "Little wonder people don't take us seriously!"
"On the contrary, ever since these movies started coming out people are actually listening to us!" Mystique said.
"As entertainment! Mindless puppets designed to titillate and bilk the sheep that is humanity of all their money and common sense!" Magneto snapped.
"Not so mindless," Pyro said. "You have any idea how much money and pull an A list celebrity has in this country?"
"Two words: Oprah Winfrey," Mystique spoke up. "Two more words. Ellen DeGeneres. They are entertainers who helped change the world! Why not go that route?"
"What you now want your own talk show?" Sabertooth snickered. "Coming up next on Mystique: Mutant love triangles. I dated my adopted daughter's boyfriend while shape shifting to make it look like I was her."
"Scoff all you like but unlike the two of you, I've actually been paying attention to current events in this country for the past few years," Mystique said. "We have become a society of celebrity worshipers. Celebrities tell us what to wear, what to eat, how to live. Instead of fighting it, we should use that to our advantage."
"And what? Lower ourselves to the lowest common denominator?" Magneto asked. "Embrace insanity and stupidity?"
"Hell-o!" Mystique pointed to the Brotherhood. "We already do that!"
"Again why don't they make a mutant version of the Hangover?" Fred asked. "That's a movie I'd want to see!"
"Me too!" Pyro added.
"I rest my case," Mystique pointed.
"Oooh! I just had a thought!" Todd spoke up.
"I'll alert the media to this rare phenomenon," Pietro quipped.
"Why don't they do a movie like a female version of the Hangover and Mystique could play it?" Todd asked. "Or better yet make it like a combination of the Hangover and a spy thriller? You know like Mr. and Mrs. Smith only with mutants?"
"Keep talking Toad," Mystique looked. "I think you might be onto something."
"I think you might have caught his stupidity," Magneto gave Mystique a look.
"Quiet. We're pitching here," Mystique said.
"Now the problem is getting a male lead that can keep up with you," Todd thought aloud. "I know my first instinct is to go Wolverine and let's face it Hugh Jackman would be great with you…"
"I see what you mean. Personally I have no problem with Hugh," Mystique interrupted. "Wolverine himself yes. But not the actor who plays him. That's a completely different story."
"But maybe we should try to change it up a little?" Todd thought. "How about a Mystique and Magneto movie with Michael Fastbender?"
"He is hot too," Fred admitted. "You could do that thing where you try to prevent Kennedy's assassination like they referred to in the movie!"
"That is a good twist," Pietro admitted.
"Interesting. Let's keep that option on the table for maybe a sequel or something," Mystique pitched.
"What the hell are they? Your focus group?" Sabertooth asked.
"Believe it or not this is something these lunatics are actually good at!" Mystique spoke up. "You want to know what the lowest common denominator thinks? Can't get any lower than this!"
"Yeah!" Pyro said proudly. "Wait a minute…"
"Okay let me see if I can follow you," Magneto groaned. "You are going to use the Brotherhood as your personal focus group…"
"And assistants and agents," Todd spoke up. "Who do you think got her the meeting with Jennifer Lawrence?"
"Her agent is a friend of my cousin who's also an agent," Fred spoke up. "Mostly for animals."
"Fill in your own joke folks this one is too easy for me," Sabertooth said to the audience.
"Like you're one to talk?" Lance gave him a look.
"Yeah that's the hamster calling the chinchilla furry," Pyro agued.
"The hamster…? Never mind," Magneto groaned. "Mystique you can't be serious about this. We're the Brotherhood of Mutants. Not the Brotherhood of No Talent Fame Hogs!"
"Hey if the Kardashians can do it why not us?" Todd said.
"He's got a point," Lance said.
"Look I've been trying to get power and make mutants dominant your way for over thirty years and have gotten zip," Mystique said. "And now that I'm a major star things are finally looking up for me. Toad's right. This is the way to go."
"You are actually taking advice from Toad?" Magneto shouted and pointed to Todd. "HIM?"
"And people call me psychotic and crazy," Sabertooth groaned.
"What can this pathetic excuse for a mutant do for you that I can't?" Magneto snapped.
"Well he got me into some talks for a movie deal and we're writing a script for an independent film which looks pretty good," Mystique shrugged. "Which is more than what you've done for me. Ever!"
"I can't screw up her life any more than you two have," Todd pointed out.
"He's not wrong there," Mystique said. "So if it means I have to become the next Kardashian so be it!"
"That reminds me do you have any sex tapes we can use?" Pyro asked. "If not…"
"I got that covered," Mystique said. "There's a few films in my private collection…"
"Is one of them with Wolverine?" Pietro asked. "Because if you do we've got a hit here."
"YOU ARE NOT SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING THIS ARE YOU?" Magneto shouted.
"Yes I am!" Mystique snapped. "Magneto let's face reality. Leading a terrorist group of idiot mutants in order to bring mutant supremacy just doesn't work anymore."
"While filming and making a TV show about a strong willed mutant woman raising a group of idiot mutants is a gold mine!" Todd spoke up.
"Again he's not wrong," Mystique shrugged. "I'm gonna call Jen's agent."
"We could do lunch!" Fred spoke up.
"You know they signed up Channing Tatum to be Gambit in the next movie," Lance spoke up. "I'm just saying there are possibilities…"
"I love it," Mystique nodded as she took out her cell phone. "Have my people call his people."
"What people?" Sabertooth yelled.
"Uh hello!" Pyro took out his cell phone. "I know his agent. I'll make the call."
"Hold out for gross profit position," Todd spoke up. "Whatever that is."
"Any of you guys wanna sign me up for this?" Sabertooth asked. Magneto gave him a look. "What? Like I'm gonna let Wolverine hog the spotlight and the glory?"
"You know I just thought of another thing that would unite Charles and I," Magneto groaned. "No more of these stupid movies!"