Chapter 1

I said my goodbyes and left the dimly lit bar, the cold night air smacking the second I step outside. I am almost winded with the harsh contrast it creates with inside. I don't feel like going home yet, Audrey is probably in practising all the sexual positions under the sun with Pacey and as much as I'm ok with the relationship, that is not something I wish to witness of hear.

Soon the night forces me home, the cold is becoming unbearable. As are the painful and happy memories running through my mind. It is becoming too much to take. I double back on my previous back and find myself at the college campus in no time all. Slowly I climb the two flights of old wooden stairs and meander down the corridor to the dorm room to give the happy couple as much quality time together as possible. I even press my ear against the door before entering to check if it is safe to enter.

I slip in to my room, actually embarrassed to be there. I have no reason to be it is not that I've ever caught them in the act before. But the thought still sends me crimson. I know Pacey would feel the same. Audrey would probably laugh it off. There is silence in my room, not a sound in the surrounding darkness. With a deep breathe I close my eyes tight shut and reach for the light switch, preparing for the worst case scenario. No screams so I open my eyes. No one. With a sigh of relief I wriggle out of my coat, throwing it on the bed and kicking off my shoes, I head towards the shower.

I let the hot warm sting my goose bumped skin and the glide gently down my arms and torso. My soaking hair and the water flow as one. In this tiny shower cubicle I can pretend I am a million miles away. Away from the heartache and back in happier times when nothing was wrong. Nothing jaded. When I could run around bare foot in the yard with the sun on my back, joyfully playing with my closest friends. As I think of these moments of the past my tears join the shower's constant flow.

I draw a shaky breath and straighten up. The cause of my tears has taught me to examine myself monthly. And it is that time of month again. I fear this moment but I know it is for the best. My hand glides of the glistening skin, once, twice, always in circular motions. My hand moves slowly and gently over my second breast and that's when I think my world has come to an end. I check again. This time I'm shaking. Tears form again as I feel the lump for the second time.

I slide down the wall of the shower, unable to control my sobbing. I always hoped this day would not come. But it has, oh it has. The water swirls around me before slipping down the plug whole, I feel as though it is my life slipping down there.

I don't know how long I have been sitting here but the water is gradually turned cold and oddly all I can think is how pissed Audrey will be when she founds out I've used all the hot water. Other than that thought, I am numb. I can not move. I don't know if it is because I literally can not move from shock or just don't want to because if I do I'll have to deal with this.

I could have been sat here for hours. I have no idea. I stare at the blurred shower wall. No thoughts run through my mind. The water is now freezing and I am shivering uncontrollably. I do not move until