LOVED
Summary: Dell loves Rook, no matter what...no matter what.
-genre: romance; hurt/comfort
-rated: T for language and mild sexual connotations
EDIT: I've edited the mistakes and phrasing problems.
A/N: I've wanted to write this for a while now, but i had no computer, and, well, I've already written something like it, sort of. However, seeing the poor quality of it, I've decided to write this anyway. Loosely based but heavily influenced by the game «Loved» by Alexander Ocias. You should give a try!
Enjoy.
Chapter One: Ignorance
Dell was rude, obsessed more with his work than his own life, obnoxious, pretentious and an embarrassment. So when Yuuma fell madly in love with him, it was like a smack to the head. Dell was the friend of a friend, Yuuma's friend Rook, to be precise, and as soon as they had met he had felt an attraction towards him, though it was purely sexual at first. «mysterious and dark smartass» was his first impression of the man, but he soon learned that Dell was a straightforward no-secret keeping type. A perfect asshole, you could say.
He flirted with him, obviously, but he soon saw all his advances rejected, and it was obvious why...Dell was already in love. It had surprised him at first (Dell Honne of all people, could feel something other than anger and petty sarcasm?) and he soon found out it was Rook who was subject to his affection. However, direct as he was, Dell was too shy to ask Rook out...Yuuma thought it was mostly a bunch of corny bullshit.
Ironic how he was doing the exact same. He didn't know when it had happened, but it had, and it drove him nuts. Really, falling for a guy like him! Someone who probably couldn't go through one day without fucking something up royally! Yet, when he realised his attraction for him started going further than just lust, he realised it was too late. A damn shame, too. Sure, Dell was attractive, but there were tons of people much more attractive than he. After all, it was towards his looks that he was attracted to, right? Dell's personality, after all, was about as pleasing as a dead rat in your shoe.
The good news was that Dell had no idea, and the bad news was that Dell had no idea, so kept on going on and on and on about his unflattering admiration for a thug like Rook. He had chosen for confident of his love someone who loved him, a terrible, predictable, fairy tale-like love triangle.
He was jealous and upset of Dell's poor decision and poor taste in men, but was too kindly to take it out on him or on Rook. Yet, when he saw Dell's eyes light up that way whenever he talked about Rook he still wished that one day, those eyes would shine that way for him...Dell, who was usually so damn callous, smiling for someone who was probably not worth the trouble, well...it upset him! What was so great about Rook? Sure, he was reliable, but the guy was into shady shit, a real petty low gangster. Yuuma hated being so overcome by jealousy, since he still wanted Dell to be happy. And, well, if Rook could bring him that happiness...
However he put it, though, he was tired. Tired of listening to Dell going on about how great Rook was or how much he loved him. It was so painful, it hurt so goddamn much he couldn't take it. And one day, he just couldn't go on any further.
They were walking together, that day. Did Rook knew Dell liked walking? Huh, probably not. He didn't care.
But I'm not here to critise them, he had thought, I...have to tell him.
The thought lingered for hours as they walked around town, bought roasted chestnuts to fight the autumn cold, and talked. It was dark when he felt the courage to talk, but just as he was about to say something, Dell started to babble about his love once more. Yuuma was polite and listened, that was just his way. But little by little he lost his patience, and his heart.
"Do you find it funny?" He cut him, "Do you enjoy torturing me this way? Is that the kind of person you are?"
Dell paused and stared at him curiously, wondering what he had done wrong. Of course...he didn't know. He didn't know anything...the idiot never did. Yuuma hesitated to continue down that direction. Dell was known to be delicate, despite his outwardly strong appearance. Not delicate in character...but more in mental strength. Push him too hard, and there wouldn't be a Dell anymore. He had a fragile heart, the bastard.
"I...I'd really like if you didn't go on about Rook all the time, Dell." he muttered, "It's just, well, I don't see the point. He's not a good person."
Dell laughed so hard, Yuuma couldn't help but blush.
"I won't!" He laughed, "I can't, more like. I love-"
"I know! I know you love him, I get it already!"
Dell hesitated to speak. Had his mental limit already been reached? He was so weak. What a guy to fall for. A weak boy who can't take things when shit goes wrong.
"It's awful and makes me feel like shit. Every time i see you, you have to...you have to put him on a pedestal! It's fucked me up so badly, you have no idea. I just can't take that anymore, okay? Dell, I love you. Please stop, okay? Just stop. I'm in love with you, and you're destroying me."
He didn't look away when he saw Dell's shock. He was ready for it, or, he had thought that. But seeing his face twist in confusion, realisation and shock killed him inside much more than he had ever wanted. What could he do now? What would Dell say? He was filled with so many mixed feelings he didn't understand, that he didn't know what to do with...anger, jealousy, envy...and yet, no hatred. He couldn't hate Rook or Dell. He couldn't.
"You've just made things so awkward..." Dell chuckled nervously, "I'm sorry, Yuu. I love Rook, I can't help that. I'm sorry."
He patted Yuuma's shoulder in a mock resemblance of pity and gave him a blatantly fake half smile. "I'll pretend this never happened...okay? So we can stay friends."
That night, when he got home, "crying your heart out" was something Yuuma finally understood.
The next day, when Rook asked him to hang out, he hesitated, knowing Dell would be there. After a while, he accepted, and ended up having not such a bad time after all. Dell had acted like it had never happened, but Yuuma didn't know if he liked that or not. He even acted a little more open towards him, but Yuuma ignored it.
When Dell had run off to the shops to get a new scarf, Rook had watched him leave with a smile on his face.
"He asked me out."
Yuuma spat out his coffee and coughed, gasping for air.
"What?" he exclaimed, "So that's why he's so...what did you say?"
Rook blushed, "I said sure. I like him, i have for a while now...we're childhood friends, he and I, i think it's perfect. We've always been close friends, and we're closer, i like that."
Yuuma hesitated to tell him he didn't give a rat's ass. He needed to get rid of his love for Dell, and though ignoring him was cruel, maybe it was they only way. It was all that he could think of, at any rate. He seriously needed new friends...
"Sucks at it, though." Rook murmured, blowing the smoke of his cigarette into the cold air.
Yuuma glanced at him curiously. "Doing what?" He asked.
Rook laughed and hit him lightly on the back, "Don't play dumb with me, i know you too well. I mean sex, you idiot, he's no good at all."
"You already had sex?"
Rook shrugged.
"People have sex on the first day too," He said, "Nothing wrong with it. I thought you would know that kind of thing?"
Yuuma did know, but he found it gross. Sure, he liked sex just as much as the next guy, but wasn't that abusing of Dell's affection? Was he looking too much into it? Yes, he was. But he was jealous, dammit! Well, okay, he had also tried to get into Dell's pants. But that was different because, well...because he was Dell! Besides...there was that one time...but that was something else. It didn't even count.
Rook was still going on about his unsurprisingly sadomasochistic sex life, but his actually addressing him finally caught Yuuma's ear.
"Did you sleep with him?"
"What?"
Rook insisted: "Did you sleep with Dell?"
Shit. Yuuma thought quickly.
"He's, uh, my type and all," He answered, "But no. And i wouldn't try, since he's dating you now."
That was a lie. It was before Yuuma had fallen for the guy. Dell was upset, it was late, they were drunk...Dell was so drunk, in fact, that he had forgotten everything the next day, for better or for worse, besides, Yuuma wasn't the kind to linger over one-night-stands. So, with this, he knew that Rook was lying. Dell was amazing in bed...in more than enough ways.
Why would Rook say that? Was he worried that he might try sleeping with Dell (again?) At any rate, his comment had made Rook smile. He was jealous. Good.
"Reminds me of when we fucked." He said
"Oh my god, no, shut up."
"You were soooo bad, Yuu."
"It was my first time!"
"You cried"
"It was my first time, and you were really rough with me!"
Rook laughed off his comment and smiled even wider when Dell arrived holding a large green scarf that he hastily wrapped around Rook's neck, not saying a word. Yuuma wondered if Rook had been rough with Dell...eh, he probably had. Masochist as he was, he probably didn't mind, though. He admitted he would have like to see Dell's O face just one more time. That was a real beauty, it was.
They eventually headed out and separated at the fork and went their separate ways.
Yuuma's home had three bedrooms, though only two people lived there. It was a great soft pink Victorian design replica that his mother had passed down to him whilst she was away. The rent wasn't even that high, so with his job as a graphics designer in a pharmaceutical company he had enough to pay, and his cousin Luka, who lived with him, also contributed to paying.
At 32, she had been married for five years before realising her husband was a complete idiot, and she left him. Having nowhere to go, she decided to stay with her little cousin until she had found a cheaper place to live. Yuuma thought that she especially liked the house, though, so she probably wasn't counting on leaving any time soon. He didn't mind much.
"You're finally here," She said when she saw him come in, "I came back early, so I'm cooking for once, it'll be ready in a little while. What's up?"
"Dell Honne ruins my life, amongst other things."
Luka rolled her eyes as if to say "here we go again" and turned back towards the stove.
Yuuma didn't know what he was feeling anymore. Was it hatred? Betrayal? The impending illusion of an impossible, one sided love? Yuuma was brought up being taught hatred was foolish and wrong. Seeking revenge was equally idiotic. But still, seeing Dell so happy for another, it just...
Oh...dammit, he was 22, he could get over a petty guy like Dell! Sure, he wished he would love him back, but if that was impossible, then so be it. He was too old for romances like this, Dell had someone now, he wouldn't look at him. It hurt, it was unbearable...and it was over. He coughed.
Luka spun on her heels and faced him, pointing a wooden spoon at him.
"Have you been taking your medication, young man?" She asked.
"Yes, old woman, I have." He sneered, "Don't lecture me now, Luka, I'm not in the mood for a lesson, okay?
"Yuuma, it's a very serious illness. Don't joke around, make sure you take them properly."
"They give me headaches!"
"Yuuma."
She crossed her arms and when he didn't answer, she whacked him lightly on the arm with the spoon. She always mothered him ever since she had had that miscarriage the year before. He let her do it because it made her happy, and it was nice having a mother figure around when yours was away all the time. He was an adult, but it was nice nonetheless. He got up to go to his room, but sensing she was still staring at him in worry, he turned to face her.
"I can start taking them when you're around, if you want..."
She smiled.
He let himself fall onto is bed when he was finally in his room, knowing Luka was probably behind his door, listening for coughing or vomiting. That's just how she was, and he was fine with it. After all, if he did end up throwing up, he wouldn't be able to call for help. That's why Yuuma had to carry around one of those emergency buzzers that called both Luka and an ambulance. He mostly thought it was useless, he wasn't that sick.
He had lied, though. He hated the meds, that gave him awful migraines, and the anti-depressants just made him feel empty.
Every time Luka had given him the pills, three of them, each with their own precise time to take at, well, he forgot about them, and they got lost.
He didn't care if t killed him in the end. He wasn't much of a nihilist, but everything was just so useless...should he hate Dell? What if Dell hated him? He had changed too, and it wasn't thanks to him. It pissed him off, he didn't want to admit it, but it just...did. It was like another slap to the head. Was he...just not good enough for Dell? Was that it?
Yuuma knew he wasn't all the great, anyway. He was so worthless, what had he done so far in life? Nothing much, really. What did it matter? Yuuma had one person he loved, and that person didn't love him back. He felt so empty, so useless, so...
A sharp pain made him clutch his stomach, groaning. Shit, he didn't think about that, he needed to calm down. Okay, so he said he didn't care if it killed him, but he did, he really did. If he could stay around for Dell, he was okay with that.
The pain reduced a little and he sighed, his face covered in sweat. It was more painful than before...maybe the migraines were worth it after all.
A small knock on his door pulled him out of his thoughts and he struggled to his feet, but finding he didn't have much strength left, he decided to stay sitting.
Luka walked in, worry on he face. She saw the face he pulled and reminded herself to scold him later. "Someone's here for you." She said.
She left and Dell walked in, a small smile on his face.
"Hey."
Yuuma was still weak, but his heart was already starting to break, just with that smile. Why did he have to come now, of all times? Asshole.
"I wanted to say thanks." Dell said, closing the door behind him and going to sit next to Yuuma, "For going along with the game, i guess. Rook didn't notice anything. I wanted...to say thanks. And that I'm sorry, too."
Yuuma stayed silent. The more Dell talked, the more pain he felt. It wasn't from his heart, though. He placed a hand on his stomach, the pain nearly getting close to being too much.
"You..." he tried, chewing on his words, "You come here, thinking I could forgive you for...doing something you haven't done wrong...it isn't your fault, dumbass. But you really think it's okay? Coming here, closing the door, sitting next to me in the dark..."
Dell stood up, holding up his hands, flushed.
"That wasn't what I...!"
Yuuma didn't even feel like telling him it was a joke at that point. He got up, what with struggle, and held up a hand to Dell's face. He realised a small mark on his cheek, something that was never there before. He ignored it.
"You're killing me," Yuuma mumbled, "You're really killing me...You just have no idea what you do to me, do you? You drive me absolutely insane. Rook this, Rook that...even when i told you to stop, you just keep doing it. And even if i told you I love-"
He doubled over and started to cough violently, his arm over his stomach. Dell, worried, put his hand on Yuuma's back, only to have it be pushed away.
"Do you need a drink? Hey..." Dell insisted, pulling Yuuma's arm, "Yuuma, are you...hey, Yuuma!"
Blood dripped onto the floor, and Yuuma's coughing stopped, for him to groan and hold tight onto Dell's shoulders.
"Lu...ka...go get...her..."
Dell helped him sit and rushed to the kitchen, and as soon as she saw Dell's face she turned off the gas and rushed to Yuuma's room, where he had fallen onto the floor and was in a fetal position, holding his stomach and whimpering. There was blood over his hands and mouth, as he had tried to stop himself from throwing up blood.
Luka yelled at Dell to go call an ambulance and helped Yuuma up, and forced him to take some medicine.
A few days later after his operation, Dell visited Yuuma at the hospital. When he got to his room, Luka was at his side, talking to him silently. She saw Dell and told Yuuma to wait, and stepped outside.
"Hey there, Dell," She smiled, "Yuuma's better. He got scolded by the doctors again."
Again? Dell thought. He hadn't known Yuuma for very long. Seeing the puzzlement and worry on Dell's face, she brought him to sit in an office with her.
"You're a doctor here?" Dell asked, "I didn't know..."
Luka smiled. "You want to know what happened, right? That's why you came here?"
Dell nodded.
"Ever since he was little, Yuuma had a very dangerous sickness called Gastric Mucosa Lesion, which is stress induced. To put it very simply, whenever he gets too stressed out, his gastric acids will work up and start to cause damage to his stomach. If it gets really bad, it will form holes in his stomach, which will then go on and destroy the rest of his organs, which is why we must always keep a close watch on him. That night, a hole was formed itself in his stomach, and, well, you saw what happened. If we hadn't acted, he would have died."
Dell listened closely, clutching his jeans. Stress induced? He knew it would stress him out to go see him. But for him to have a stress induced sickness...
He could have killed him. He could have killed Yuuma.
Luka watched him start into nothing for a while, and sighed.
"I don't mind you going in to see him," She said, "He's on medication and is safe. However, once he's out of here, he'll probably stop taking them again, much to my demise."
Dell looked at her this time, curiosity mixed with shame in his expression.
"...that means that if Yuuma wishes it," she continued, "You must no longer come into contact with him. He needs to rest, and you stress him out. I'm sorry, i know you were friends..."
They talked for a little more before Dell excused himself to go see Yuuma, what with Luka's accord.
He knocked lightly on the door and stepped in, seeing Yuuma's curious face change into a mix of emotions he couldn't quite place.
"Hey..." Dell tried. "I brought you something...but, well, hearing that this was my fault i guess i shouldn't give it to you, huh."
He hesitated to move towards him or even to say another word, but as Yuuma wasn't speaking, he had to say something.
"It was me, wasn't it...? Who did this to you. I mean, not the illness itself, but...causing it to go off."
Yuuma stared at him for long enough to make him uncomfortable, then sighed heavily. "You're acting suspiciously nice." he mumbled. "Admitting you're wrong isn't really your thing."
Dell froze.
He laughed nervously and looked around. "Rook...told me I should stop being so mopey..." He started to rub the back of his neck, something Yuuma knew was a nervous tick with him. "So I've decided to be a little kinder, at least. If that can make him happy, I guess..."
"Leave."
Dell looked at him and was about to talk, but was stopped by Yuuma's hand. "Leave."
That was it. No explanation, no shouting, no anger...Dell felt hurt. He turned, and, without a word, left Yuuma to cry alone for a second time.
It wasn't long before Yuuma could leave the hospital, and he went about his work, getting scolded for not taking his meds by Luka, getting fawned over by his co-workers, that sort of usual life he had. He now had to take his medication right in front of Luka, but the first two times he had done it, his head had hurt so badly he decided to start tricking her again, and stopped taking them. They were unbearable, it wasn't his fault!
Time passed by and he didn't hear from Dell. It upset him, even though he knew it was his own fault, and that Dell probably felt guilty about it anyway. He didn't know if he should, since technically, it was his fault, but he didn't really want him to actually think that, true as it was.
He sat in front of his computer, wondering on what to do. Should he send Dell a message? A text, maybe? Should he visit? No, that was dangerous. If he started living with Rook, which he didn't doubt, he'd probably trigger his own illness. The feeling of an iron burning through your internal organs wasn't exactly pleasant, and death was something he wanted to avoid. (if he didn't take the anti-stress and antacid meds, he at least took the antidepressants, as it did help a bit with stress.)
Besides, if he did come into contact with Dell, what would he say? Okay, no, why does he even want to contact Dell? The guy was happy, there was no need to ruin his life by pestering him.
He was pondering over it still when a knock brought him out of his thoughts. That happened a lot, it seemed.
He opened the door and froze to the eyes of a very, very angry Rook. Before he could say a word, Rook pushed him into his room and locked the door behind him, pausing to glare at him for a second before grabbing him by the collar.
"Dell told me what happened," He said, his eyes filled with hatred, "He claimed it was his fault. You upset him, do you have any idea how much you've hurt him? I won't forgive you. I won't ever forgive you."
He pushed Yuuma onto the floor and held him down with a foot on his stomach, pressing down hard enough on his scars to make Yuuma yelp.
He managed to push Rook's foot off with a lot of trouble, doubling over and coughing violently, but Rook ignored that and sat on his chest, forcing him to look at him.
"You listen to me well, Yuuma." he muttered, "Dell is mine. He's only mine. He's never belonged to anyone else, including you. If you upset him again, I swear to you I'll make you regret it."
He slowly let him go, got up and left him, leaving behind a troubled and overly stressed Yuuma.
If Luka hadn't bothered to wonder what Rook was so furious about when he left, Yuuma would have died.
As soon as he woke up, he was scolded by his doctor and Luka, more severely than usual. He didn't bother wondering why, he was already stressed out as it was. Rook had scared him, and with that fear for himself came fear for Dell, as well. He hadn't shown that kind of behaviour towards him, had he? Was he dangerous for him? He didn't want to think about it. No...Dell loved Rook, and Rook had been like that because Yuuma had upset him. Had he cried? Dell cried? Unlikely. Dell didn't cry, that wasn't something he did. It was just so...unnatural to even think of Dell crying, it almost made him laugh, but when he felt pain in his stomach from the effort, he grew worried instead.
"It still hurts..." He mumbled to his doctor, "It usually doesn't..."
The doctor looked at him worriedly, then glanced at Luka, who nodded.
"It seems..." He said, "That it's much worse than before. I need to ask, have you forced something onto your scars, or has something heavy fallen onto them? We understand it might be difficult to express, but we must know."
Difficult to...did they think he did it himself?
"I didn't try to commit suicide, or anything of the sort." Yuuma exclaimed, "I just...I tried, well, moving my furniture around, and my cupboard fell on me. I didn't think it did any damage, so..."
The doctor nodded, gave him his medication and told him to take it carefully from now on, as he was worried it might get worse.
Luka stayed behind, though, glaring at him suspiciously. "You liar."
Yuuma eyed her with innocence plastered all over his face, but Luka saw right through him.
"You liar. When I found you, the cupboard was where it has always been, and I didn't hear it fall. It was Rook, wasn't it? He hurt you like this? He could have killed you!"
Yuuma shook his head and apologised for lying, only to be scolded even more. He didn't care. Now, he had taken a decision that he wasn't counting on backtracking on.
The biggest source of his stress was always evolving around Dell, so he had to get away from that source of stress. It was obvious, he felt so foolish for risking his life just so he could be near someone who would never love him back. It torn his heart to bits, but he had no other choice.
"I'm moving away." he murmured.
His voice had been full of indecision and doubt that he knew Luka would believe he was only thinking about it, but he was sure about this. He needed to go, maybe far, he didn't know, but he had to leave. He had to go!
He clutched the covers tightly, hesitating. If he did leave, he'd probably, most likely never see the person he loved again. Dammit, he just didn't know what to do...
He felt a hand on his and looked up to see Luka smiling at him. "It's for the best." She said gently. He lay his head on her shoulder, and, slowly, began to weep.
I don't like how short this is, but I guess that since I've not been writing for a very long time, I'm going to just ease into writing longer. Big thanks to my good friend and evil doppelgänger Kelsey, or as Nerumi H here on FF. (Go check her stuff out!)
Okay, I know I liked AKAITO/Dell for a veeeery long time, but Yuuma/Dell is just so urgh, I just love it okay
I belong to the Dell-fucking-hates-himself league and i'm so, so proud
This will be a multi-chap. I've already planned out most of it, so I won't have much trouble continuing this.