AN: Hello and welcome to the House of Random Fanfiction. I am an infinitely powerful, pan-dimensional being from the far corner of the galexy, and the true owner of all of the Harry Potter books, which J.K. Rowling blatantly plagarized. And if you believe that, I have a hippogriff to sell you.

ONWARDS!

Rejected Harry Potter Plot Twists

Moaning Myrtle is brought back to life and ousts Ginny as Harry's chief love interest.

Dumbledore discovers the Chamber of Secrets two weeks before Harry and decides, with the assistance of an unexpectedly fashion-conscious basilisk, to convert it into a fancy dress ballroom.

The Weird Sisters cancel their Yule Ball concert date at the last minute and are replaced by Metallica.

Voldemort becomes highly self-conscious about his unhealthily pale skin tone and dies from a bad case of melanoma contracted from too much time in the tanning bed. Harry is spared the worry.

The houses on Spinner's End are demolished, much to the dismay of the Severus Snape Metaphor Machine.

After the death of the entire Order of the Phoenix, Crabbe and Goyle turn to the good side and save the world from destruction.

Janet Jackson shows up and claims to be the 5th Marauder.

Blaize Zabini is revealed to be a transvestite, thus augmenting the gender-based confusion surrounding him prior to the 6th book.

Voldemort and the Death Eaters decide they don't really care for this whole "Pure, Unadulterated Evil and World Domination" business, and use their ill-gotten gains to retire to Jamaica.

In the final battle scene, Voldemort shouts "No, Harry. I AM your father."

Mrs. Norris turns out to be Fridwulfa in Animagus form,

Flourish and Blotts is condemned as a fire hazard.

Charlie goes on a dragon-tracking mission in Norway, where he is eaten by Norbert.

Bill and Fleur front a band called The Sexified Were-Veelas.

Professor Lupin gets a makeover and goes on to be a contestant on American Idol.

So does Alastor Moody.

He wins.

Mundungus Fletcher is arrested for drug dealing.

The Ministry of Magic judicial system is refined to include punishment options other than "Life Imprisonment in Azkaban."

Madame Pince and Filch start having an affair

She cheats on him and has a steamy side dish with Daedalus Diggle.

The mourning Hufflepuffs decide to honor the sacred memory of Cedric Diggory by holding a beauty contest

Which is absolutely swept by a cross-dressing Professor Snape, secretly inspired to be a (slightly greasy) drag queen by Neville Longbottom's boggart.

On yet another late-night visit, Harry notices that Dumbledore's office has a distinct odor of cannabis.

This explains a lot.

Half of the centaurs are revealed to be nothing but two drunk guys in horse costumes who were able to fool the genuine herd for so long because they were all too busy staring at the stars and ostracizing Firenze.

Five first year students are trampled by Threstrals

Myrtle hooks up with a goth Muggle on one of her trips out of the school sewer system. Hogwart's most pressing problem is suddenly less being invaded by Death Eaters and more the constant System of a Down emanating from the toilets.