Did you ever feel like you stepped into the middle of someone else's
sitcom?
Because that's how I feel right now. "Everybody Loves Angel," special guest star Willow Rosenberg.
And sorry if I sound a little flustered. I am, kind of.
I am, all the way.
So, Tara and I had been doing some research - to help Dawn hide from Glory, you understand. Thing is, we wanted something that would hide her but not actually make her invisible unless someone was looking for her. And we found the Tarnhelm Effect - but that would make everyone ignore Dawn, so it wouldn't be so good for her social life, plus a god like Glory could pretty much ignore it.
And I'm boring you, so I'll cut to the chase: We found a spell called Dance of the Dead, which would cause anyone searching for Dawn magically to have the spell "dance" around her - seeing her as dead, in other words, though I don't think I'll be telling Buffy THAT part. It invokes Terpischore, one of the Greek Muses, and requires no weird components.
Except one.
Which is where Angel came in, and boy, wasn't THAT an odd phone call . . . yeah, I know, I should have figured it out, but remember, on certain issues I'm still not exactly the queen of perceptiveness.
Why didn't I know that was a robot? Stupid Willow, stupid, stupid, STUPID Willow!
"Angel?"
"Willow. What's up? Anything wrong? It isn't -?"
"No. Not Buffy. I just need your help with a spell. It's to protect Dawn."
"Sure, anything for her. What do you need? A demon's heart? Something rare you can't get down there?"
"Actually, I need you to be part of it - it needs one of the living dead to be the focal point." There was a moment of silence. "Angel?"
"Just haven't had myself referred to as 'the living dead' in a while. Makes me feel I should be terrorizing teenagers."
I laughed, then said, "Will you help?"
"Of course. What is it you need me to do?"
"Well, the spell invokes the protection of Terpsichore - so we, well, kind of need you to be the focal point."
"It invokes Terpsichore." Now it was quiet so long I thought Angel'd dropped the phone. "Can't you get Spike?"
"Spike got his ass kicked a couple of days ago. He's barely in shape to walk, much less have anything to do with helping me cast this spell."
"How about extorting one of the other vampires in town?"
"It has to be willing."
"Paying one off?"
"Couldn't trust 'em."
"Getting a friendly ghost?"
"In SUNNYDALE?"
"Raising a zombie?"
"Not coordinated enough. Look, Angel, what's the problem? Five minutes ago you said you'd help -"
A sigh at the other end. "I will. When do you need me?"
"By eleven tonight. The spell needs to be cast at fifteen minutes past midnight on an astrological cusp."
"I can do that. I'll leave LA as soon as it gets dark. Where should I meet you?"
"My dorm room's fine." I told him where that was, and he said he'd be there. Since the spell only needed one of us, I made Tara head down to the Bronze and join up with Xander, Anya and Buffy. It took a while - Tara at times can be as sociable as a hibernating grumpy ol' grizzly - but she finally agreed to go, and maybe even have some fun.
I told her without me she'd better not have too much.
Anyway, Angel was a little late and a little scuffed up, but he finally got there. "Sorry," he said. "Ran into a couple of vampires as I drove into the campus parking lot. They looked a little hungry, so I ran into them again. Look, are you sure you want me to do this?"
I nodded. "That's a big yeppers. A little too late to get anyone else at this point. And with Glory on the warpath the way she's been recently I don't know if we can stick it out until late May."
He nodded back. "Let's get going, then." We walked a couple of miles of campus, towards a grassy area near a graveyard, and ran into Spike, hobbling along, in obvious pain.
"Why are you even up?" I asked.
"Because if I had to stay cooped up in that bloody crypt, I'd go crazy," he said. "I'm just taking a little constitutional. Run into any dead bodies lately?" I shook my head. "Pity. I was just starting to get my appetite back. Hello, Angel."
"Spike."
"So what are you doing here?"
"Willow needs my help for a spell to protect Dawn."
"Really," Spike said. "I'm all for that. What's the spell, love?" he asked me. I explained it to him and he burst out laughing. "You're invoking Terpsichore? Really? And you're using ANGEL as the focal point?"
Suspiciously, I asked Spike, "What's so funny?"
"Nothing, love," he said, trying to restrain his laughter, "Mind if I tag along?"
"I'd really rather you didn't, Spike." Angel's voice gave me the distinct impression that if Spike asked again he'd end up dead, or wishing he was.
"Right then," Spike said. "Willow, if you could tell me how it goes -" and he turned around and walked away, though I could hear him singing as he left, "I can't talk, only thing about me is the way I walk -"
I shrugged and we made our way to the clearing. I lit three candles and blew a handful of dust into the air, then gestured for Angel to begin as I began to chant to Terpsichore, muse of joyful dance.
Angel raised his eyes to the sky and began to dance.
Oh. My. God.
Angel dancing.
Oh, dear Thespia.
Have you ever seen -
No, I guess not. Well, let me put it this way. Angel dancing - it reminded me of Xander, only without the having fun part of the equation. It was like seeing someone have a full-body muscle spasm, and was about as painful.
No wonder he'd been so reluctant.
No wonder Spike had been so amused.
I was so distracted - and so ready to burst out laughing - that I barely finished the chant. I gestured for Angel to keep going.
A spectral woman in white robes appeared in front of me, glanced at Angel, and said, "You HAVE to be kidding." Then she vanished again.
Angel stopped dancing. "So I take it the spell didn't work?"
"NO, the spell didn't work," I said, suddenly irritated. "Why didn't you tell me you danced like a drunk flamingo?"
"You were so insistent -"
"Yeah, well," I said. "Thanks for trying, anyway."
"No problem. And don't tell anyone, okay?"
"That you can't dance?" Angel nodded. "And this would be why?"
"Because it's kind of embarrassing. Here I am with superhuman strength, I fight demons and win, and I have two left feet on the dance floor."
"More like thirty."
Angel said, "Remember, you begged me to come down here. I'm sorry the spell didn't work but it's not going to do you any good to insult me."
"I know," I sighed. "Don't worry. But next time, TELL me if you can't do what I'm asking."
Angel chuckled. "How was I to know Terpsichore would be so picky?"
Shaking my head, I said, "She wasn't."
We encountered Spike again on the way back to campus. He simply grinned and saluted as we walked by.
Angel said, "One word, Spike -"
"What, me? Heaven forfend. I can't see myself telling anyone."
"Good."
"Not as long as you see your way to clear to lending me a few quid --"
It took me ten minutes to convince Angel not to kill him.
See what I mean?
Someone else's sitcom.
Because that's how I feel right now. "Everybody Loves Angel," special guest star Willow Rosenberg.
And sorry if I sound a little flustered. I am, kind of.
I am, all the way.
So, Tara and I had been doing some research - to help Dawn hide from Glory, you understand. Thing is, we wanted something that would hide her but not actually make her invisible unless someone was looking for her. And we found the Tarnhelm Effect - but that would make everyone ignore Dawn, so it wouldn't be so good for her social life, plus a god like Glory could pretty much ignore it.
And I'm boring you, so I'll cut to the chase: We found a spell called Dance of the Dead, which would cause anyone searching for Dawn magically to have the spell "dance" around her - seeing her as dead, in other words, though I don't think I'll be telling Buffy THAT part. It invokes Terpischore, one of the Greek Muses, and requires no weird components.
Except one.
Which is where Angel came in, and boy, wasn't THAT an odd phone call . . . yeah, I know, I should have figured it out, but remember, on certain issues I'm still not exactly the queen of perceptiveness.
Why didn't I know that was a robot? Stupid Willow, stupid, stupid, STUPID Willow!
"Angel?"
"Willow. What's up? Anything wrong? It isn't -?"
"No. Not Buffy. I just need your help with a spell. It's to protect Dawn."
"Sure, anything for her. What do you need? A demon's heart? Something rare you can't get down there?"
"Actually, I need you to be part of it - it needs one of the living dead to be the focal point." There was a moment of silence. "Angel?"
"Just haven't had myself referred to as 'the living dead' in a while. Makes me feel I should be terrorizing teenagers."
I laughed, then said, "Will you help?"
"Of course. What is it you need me to do?"
"Well, the spell invokes the protection of Terpsichore - so we, well, kind of need you to be the focal point."
"It invokes Terpsichore." Now it was quiet so long I thought Angel'd dropped the phone. "Can't you get Spike?"
"Spike got his ass kicked a couple of days ago. He's barely in shape to walk, much less have anything to do with helping me cast this spell."
"How about extorting one of the other vampires in town?"
"It has to be willing."
"Paying one off?"
"Couldn't trust 'em."
"Getting a friendly ghost?"
"In SUNNYDALE?"
"Raising a zombie?"
"Not coordinated enough. Look, Angel, what's the problem? Five minutes ago you said you'd help -"
A sigh at the other end. "I will. When do you need me?"
"By eleven tonight. The spell needs to be cast at fifteen minutes past midnight on an astrological cusp."
"I can do that. I'll leave LA as soon as it gets dark. Where should I meet you?"
"My dorm room's fine." I told him where that was, and he said he'd be there. Since the spell only needed one of us, I made Tara head down to the Bronze and join up with Xander, Anya and Buffy. It took a while - Tara at times can be as sociable as a hibernating grumpy ol' grizzly - but she finally agreed to go, and maybe even have some fun.
I told her without me she'd better not have too much.
Anyway, Angel was a little late and a little scuffed up, but he finally got there. "Sorry," he said. "Ran into a couple of vampires as I drove into the campus parking lot. They looked a little hungry, so I ran into them again. Look, are you sure you want me to do this?"
I nodded. "That's a big yeppers. A little too late to get anyone else at this point. And with Glory on the warpath the way she's been recently I don't know if we can stick it out until late May."
He nodded back. "Let's get going, then." We walked a couple of miles of campus, towards a grassy area near a graveyard, and ran into Spike, hobbling along, in obvious pain.
"Why are you even up?" I asked.
"Because if I had to stay cooped up in that bloody crypt, I'd go crazy," he said. "I'm just taking a little constitutional. Run into any dead bodies lately?" I shook my head. "Pity. I was just starting to get my appetite back. Hello, Angel."
"Spike."
"So what are you doing here?"
"Willow needs my help for a spell to protect Dawn."
"Really," Spike said. "I'm all for that. What's the spell, love?" he asked me. I explained it to him and he burst out laughing. "You're invoking Terpsichore? Really? And you're using ANGEL as the focal point?"
Suspiciously, I asked Spike, "What's so funny?"
"Nothing, love," he said, trying to restrain his laughter, "Mind if I tag along?"
"I'd really rather you didn't, Spike." Angel's voice gave me the distinct impression that if Spike asked again he'd end up dead, or wishing he was.
"Right then," Spike said. "Willow, if you could tell me how it goes -" and he turned around and walked away, though I could hear him singing as he left, "I can't talk, only thing about me is the way I walk -"
I shrugged and we made our way to the clearing. I lit three candles and blew a handful of dust into the air, then gestured for Angel to begin as I began to chant to Terpsichore, muse of joyful dance.
Angel raised his eyes to the sky and began to dance.
Oh. My. God.
Angel dancing.
Oh, dear Thespia.
Have you ever seen -
No, I guess not. Well, let me put it this way. Angel dancing - it reminded me of Xander, only without the having fun part of the equation. It was like seeing someone have a full-body muscle spasm, and was about as painful.
No wonder he'd been so reluctant.
No wonder Spike had been so amused.
I was so distracted - and so ready to burst out laughing - that I barely finished the chant. I gestured for Angel to keep going.
A spectral woman in white robes appeared in front of me, glanced at Angel, and said, "You HAVE to be kidding." Then she vanished again.
Angel stopped dancing. "So I take it the spell didn't work?"
"NO, the spell didn't work," I said, suddenly irritated. "Why didn't you tell me you danced like a drunk flamingo?"
"You were so insistent -"
"Yeah, well," I said. "Thanks for trying, anyway."
"No problem. And don't tell anyone, okay?"
"That you can't dance?" Angel nodded. "And this would be why?"
"Because it's kind of embarrassing. Here I am with superhuman strength, I fight demons and win, and I have two left feet on the dance floor."
"More like thirty."
Angel said, "Remember, you begged me to come down here. I'm sorry the spell didn't work but it's not going to do you any good to insult me."
"I know," I sighed. "Don't worry. But next time, TELL me if you can't do what I'm asking."
Angel chuckled. "How was I to know Terpsichore would be so picky?"
Shaking my head, I said, "She wasn't."
We encountered Spike again on the way back to campus. He simply grinned and saluted as we walked by.
Angel said, "One word, Spike -"
"What, me? Heaven forfend. I can't see myself telling anyone."
"Good."
"Not as long as you see your way to clear to lending me a few quid --"
It took me ten minutes to convince Angel not to kill him.
See what I mean?
Someone else's sitcom.