The Object Of My Affection
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.
Rating: There is swearing and content of an adult, sexual nature, as well as lesbianism.
I.
Day one.
"You're pregnant?" I can't remember how many times I'd asked the question, but the answer still wasn't sinking in.
"Yes."
"You're seventeen and pregnant?"
"Who are you my mother?" She smiled weakly, the joke was crap, it wasn't funny, but we both laughed.
"You going to tell Ryan?"
"That's the thing…" she scratched the back of her neck awkwardly, as if thinking the best way to phrase it. "…its not his."
"You sure?"
"Well given that we haven't had sex…"
"You haven't had sex?" I was confused, she was giving me so much information to process, "But you slept with Luke, DJ…"
"I know, but its not theirs." She finished for me, sensing where I was going.
"Whose is it?"
"Some guys."
"Oh," I'd been pacing around my apartment, but that news sent me crashing back down onto my sofa. "Some guys? He have a name?"
"Yes," she nodded, "I just don't remember it."
I stared at the muted TV, I saw the friend's characters running around, Rachel beating Ross with a newspaper, and I thought about their lives, and how simple they made it all look.
"Please tell me this wasn't drunken alley sex."
"You have drunken alley sex all the time." She didn't say it accusingly, but more hurt at my blatant hypocrisy.
"I can't get pregnant though." I tried to explain to her. "I'm gay."
"Stupid lesbian." She grumbled sitting next to me, joining me in my TV staring.
I'd seen the episode so many times I didn't need the sound on to know what they were saying.
"When this happen?" I asked after a while.
"When Ryan and I were on our break." She bit her lip nervously, "I didn't think anything of it once we'd got back together, but then I kinda missed my period, and…"
"Now you're kinda pregnant." I finished for her. "What you going to do?"
"I can't get rid of it, if that's what you're implying."
"You going to tell Ryan?"
"I'm six weeks gone Alex…" she looked at me, it was like staring into the face of a scared little child, "I don't know what I'm going to do. Mum will kick me out, Ryan will dump me-"
"But he stayed with Theresa-"
"That kid could have been his."
"Oh yeah." it was barely more than a whisper, but she heard it.
"Can I stay here?" I simply nodded at her.
I didn't know what to say, all the words of wisdom I could muster, didn't seem all that wise. And it wasn't as if I could empathise, I'd never been pregnant, I was never going to be pregnant. I'd only known one pregnant seventeen year old, and I didn't even know her.
Marissa would refer to Theresa as B.A. There was so much of her life that was 'Before Alex'. Luke, Ryan moving, Anna, DJ…. She'd tried to fill me in, but there was only so much I could get, so in the end it just became known as the B.A era.
After Jodie had come to town, Marissa and I had got close. We never dated or anything, she was straight, but with Summer being pre-occupied with Seth and Zach, Ryan chasing after Lindsey, we just became close.
We were thrown together somehow. It was all because Ryan had got all angry and wet about Lindsey drinking, but in honesty I don't think it was that. They were trying their whole, 'lets be friends' thing, but I was no fool, I knew that they were just one of those couples that would always be a couple. A couple of weeks later I was proved right, they were taking things slow.
They got in a stupid fight, Ryan did a Rachel. By that I don't mean that he cheated on Marissa with a girl name Rachel, but rather he suggested a break. Marissa got drunk and apparently slept with some guy.
And bam! The silence.
"Can I raise it with you?" she asked quietly. It was barely more than a whisper, but I heard it.
II.
"And by raise you mean?"
"Raise it."
"Yeah," I bit my lip, "that's cleared that right up."
Sarcasm. Its my safety net. I don't do real. I don't do the whole 'sharing' thing, I don't do advice. I do sarcasm. It allows me to say anything and every thing. I means I don't have to admit feelings, doubts or short comings. Its the thing I hide behind, and always have.
The episode has ended; seasons skipped; another re-run shown. Chandler's offering pregnant Rachel a piece of cheese. I know how he feels. He's in way over his head. She's looking to him to answer all her problems, come up with the solution, all he wants to do is... well... not have to.
"You mean like the whole two mummies raise it, or I'll just be the gay 'Aunt Alex' raise it?"
"You ever seen the film the Object of My Affection?"
"Rissa, if you're saying what I think you're saying, that is not a good angle to persuade by. You did see then end of the movie right?"
"Actually no…" she trailed off and started to watch Monica sort through CDs. Watching their mouths move, watching them live their lives, surrounded by the simplicity of TV life.
"You know it would help to know what they were saying, if it wasn't muted." She said, pointing to the TV, looking for distraction.
"I know what they're saying." I said quietly.
"What?"
"Adoption."
"Okay, I was never a big fan of Friends but I'm sure, she never put her baby up for adoption."
"It's the episode where Rachel sells her baby."
"You need a life."
"Yeah," I sighed, knowing every episode of Friends, being able to quote them and be able to give the episode name (and number) of where the quote came from, did not tend to signify much life having, "I'm pretty sure raising your baby with you won't help with that."
I'd ruined it; we were talking quietly, both of us skirting round the issue. Neither knowing what to say; but then I came out and admitted the blunt, harsh truth of it.
My best friend had just asked me to raise her baby. What the hell was there to say?
'Sure, I'm an 18 year old gay, high school drop out, emancipated from my parents, managing a teen hang out spot; I'd love to raise a kid with you. Hurry let me phone my mother, tell her she's going to be a gran.'
And we're back to the silence between sarcasm.
"Sorry." She said it quietly to her knees.
"For what?"
"Coming here."
She looked so sad; so alone; so lost; so scared; so young. I couldn't bare it. I hated seeing her like this.
"Never be sorry for that."
"I should just go." She stood up and headed to the door. "I shouldn't have told you. I shouldn't have asked you. I shouldn't-"
"Marissa."
"Yeah?"
"Yes."
III.
She stood there with her back to me, still clutching onto the door handle, still ready to leave.
"Yes?" she asked tentatively not looking at me.
"Yes."
Her hand moved away from the handle, as she slowly turned to face me. Her eyes were red, her face white, stained with the trails of her silent tears. I looked into her watery eyes and was broken. Any resolve I had; gone, any voice shouting 'Get out! Get out!' silenced.
The truth was I could think of nothing better than raising a family with Marissa. Granted, I never imagined it to be when I was 18, she was in high school and only wanting to raise it with me because her boyfriend dumped her, but still… Raising a family with Marissa equalled the ultimate goodness; only the way I'd always pictured it; she would love me too.
Being in love with a straight girl is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and that says a lot, given that I've been kicked out, disowned from my family and I have to work for my supper, literally. Jodie warned me about such dangers when she came down. I ignored her. She was Jodie, meaning that:
1- She was just saying that to try and get me back, believing that Marissa was sleeping with me as an 'experiment'
2- I couldn't believer her on principle
3- She couldn't be right even if I did ignore point 2.
"Yes?" she asked the question again, but with more excitement, as if trying to make the answer sink in.
"Yes." I smiled at her once again, realising that I'd just agreed to raise a child with Marissa.
"You mean we're going to raise it together?" she asked again coming away from the door.
"Well, I'm thinking its going to be either a girl or a boy, not an actual it." I laughed standing up to meet her half way, "Though my uncle always used to speak of the third sex; the hairdressers!"
"Oh my G-d." her smile broadened, "We're going to have a baby."
"Yes." Yes we are. As that thought sunk in I quickly sat down again. "So are we now a… couple?" I asked the question slowly, unsure of how to phrase it, cause Marissa was as straight as a really straight thing, and I was, well, not; yet had just agreed to raise her baby with her.
"No, you goon."
"Wow, way to make me feel loved." I pouted jokingly.
"You're still entitled to a life. You know you can go out, date girls, have wild drunken sex-"
"Where's the but?"
"What?"
"I'm sensing a but." I told her simply.
"But you'd come with me to doctors appointments, be at the birth, help me look after the sprog when it was around." she gestured with her hand, indicating that there was more to it than that, but off the top of her head examples were limited; it was a very good hand gesture. "I don't want to tie you down, I just can't think of a better person to raise a child with."
"In that case I'm honoured." I smiled at her.
"Anyway who else would I ask? My mother?"
"You turned out alright. Barely; but you made the grade."
"Way to make me feel loved." she quipped sitting down beside me. "You going to un-mute the TV or what?"
IV.
Day two.
"Its official then." She sighed walking with me out of the doctor's office, "I'm the first teen pregnant in my fancy private school."
"You'd have thought with all that money your mum's paying them," I held open the door for her, and followed her into the car park, "they would have taught you about condoms."
"Will you shut up about that?" she hit me playfully on the arm.
"No." I told her simply.
"Not like you've never had unprotected sex. Can you even have protected sex?" I raised my eyebrow at her, "Just a question." She smiled raising her hands in defence.
"You should get checked." I told her unlocking my jeep and hoping in.
"Uh," she got in beside me, "in case you failed to notice Miss Attention Span, but that's what we just did, the test was right, the positive positive, the bun baking-"
"No more metaphors please." I put my right hand over her mouth as my left started the engine. "And as you definitely are now carrying some random's baby, I was thinking you should get checked for a… STD." I told her slowly as I drove away from the doctors surgery.
"A STD?"
"Sexually transmitted disease… What you go to some fundamentalist school teaching you abstinence rather than sex ed? Cause its not so much with the working pregnant girl."
"Don't call me that." She hit me on the arm again.
"I'm going to bruise if your not careful." I said rubbing it.
"Good." She stuck her tongue out at me. "Serve you right. And anyway what's with the STD testing?"
"You had unprotected sex with some random, G-d knows where he's been, he could have anything, and now you could have it too." I told her simply
I watching as she turned away from the road and started staring mindlessly out the window, watching the tide, watching as her mood changed from playful to anything but, watching as she distanced her self from me. I realised there was more to this that she was letting on. More to this than simple 'Wham bam thank you m'am' ally sex.
"About that…" she started, still not looking at me, "I won't have anything."
"And you know that how?" I asked slowly, sceptically.
"Because he doesn't have anything."
"And you know that how?" I repeated, raising my eyebrow slightly, getting the feeling I shouldn't be driving as she finished her story.
"It wasn't some random."
I pulled over suddenly, knowing I didn't want to be driving as she told me who the father was.
"Its Caleb's."
V.
"Caleb's?" she nodded mutely, still staring out of the window, "Caleb married to your mother Caleb? Caleb you really old, step father Caleb? Caleb-"
"YES!" she yelled furiously as she turned to face me, tears running down her face. "ALRIGHT ALEX? THAT CALEB! MUM'S HUSBAND, KIRSTEN'S FATHER, SETH'S GRANDAD, OWNER OF NEWPORT CALEB!"
I stared at her as the tears continued to fall, leaving trails down her flawless face. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? Hey at least it wasn't drunken alley sex!, pass it off as a joke, come up with some sarcastic witticism, Well at least it's not Ryan's, that hair on a baby?!
A thousand and one questions ran through my head; how? When?… A thousand and one scenarios quickly followed; rape, drunk, a game of strip Pokka taken to far…
She watched me watching her, her eyes begging me to say something, make it better go away…
"Your mum know?" I asked eventually.
"That I'm pregnant or that I had sex with Caleb?" her tone was hard, full of bitterness, as if she'd been forced to age very quickly, before her time…
"Did he…" I tried to ask the question, but it got caught in my throat.
I didn't want to think about it, imagine it, picture it. I didn't want the knowledge that he'd hurt her, abused her, used her… I wanted the blue pill… ignorance is bliss… I wanted it more than ever to be drunken alley sex, consenting, pleasure giving, love filled even if I was to be naïve… anything but-
"Rape me?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat, the bile that seemed to be forcing itself to the surface. I didn't want to know, but I had to… I nodded silently praying that she'd said yes… that she'd done it to spite her mother… that she'd wanted it… that she loved him even.
"Yes." She said, her voice cold, hostile, "I hardly chose to be pinned against the wall and impregnated by some drunk, old man."
She leant back against the window, looking back out at the shore. Distancing her self from me again. Annoyed with me for asking almost, annoyed for making her tell the truth; as if by confessing this to me it made it all the more real, by confessing it she'd admitted it, there was no way to go back and deny it.
"When?" I asked quietly.
"You remember when we went to L.A?" I nodded, watching her continue to gaze out the window, to look anywhere but at me, "and he came into my room when you were looking at my tattoo, I was just in my bra," she paused, I could tell she was crying again, her voice was shaky, broken almost. "When I went back home that night, I found him waiting in my room, drunk as fuck, he started talking about how I should respect him… how he was the adult… how it was his house…" she broke down completely, no longer even pretending that she wasn't crying.
She turned to face me again, her eyes seemed soulless, as if he'd taken it, as if it was a price she'd paid.
"He said…" she swallowed again, "…I would respect him… that I owed him… I was in his debt…"
I couldn't stop it. The news was unpalatable. I opened the door and did the only thing I was capable of doing; I threw up.
VI.
I was motionless, I felt as if I was stuck in that position, just crouched on the pavement staring at the pile of vomit in front of me.
I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and slowly, cautiously stood up and got back into the driver's seat. I put the car into gear, pulled away from the curb, and put as much distance between me and the contents of my stomach as possible, without a word being said.
Silence engulfed us. What could be said?
I just kept driving as she cried silently beside me. Houses went by, beautiful scenery ignored. The only sound I could hear was the sound of her sobbing. It didn't just break my heart; it tore it to shreds.
It was only when I pulled up to her house did she start to take note of the things around her.
"Alex," It was quiet, pathetic. Like she'd been replaced by a small girl. "why are we here?"
"Get your stuff." I told her, still staring out the windscreen, when I stopped the car in front of one of her many doors.
"Alex?" she was confused at my distance from her. My short monosyllabic command being the only word's I'd said to her in the past half hour.
My mind had never been clearer. I knew exactly what I had to do, but forming sentences, saying actual words, that was where my brain failed me.
I turned to look at her, her face was pale, lifeless almost, as if she'd fought so hard to keep a hold of this secret, that she'd died without it. She was so lost, her eyes crying out for some direction, some purpose, some explanation as to why I'd brought her here. The girl I knew, forced to be an adult at such an early age, had just shrunk back into a child.
"Get your stuff." I repeated, "You're coming home with me."
VI. part two.
I sat on her bed staring into the eyes of Share Bear as she packed silently around me. I sat on her bed trying not figure out against which wall her baby was conceived. I sat on her bed trying to figure out how something so wonderful, so innocent could be created out of such violence, pain, hate almost.
"I'm ready." She told me taking the bear from my hand and placing him back on her bed. It seemed as though, through the simplicity of that act, she was closing a door on her childhood. Putting a lid on that chapter of her life. By leaving the bear there she was accepting that she had to grow up, that she was no longer a child, no matter what the government told her.
"Okay." I stood up and took the bag from her hand and followed her out of her room. Shutting the door behind me, putting a door between her and…
I shook my head, I didn't want to think about it anymore, it wasn't important, it wasn't what mattered. What mattered was the fact that I was here for her now, that I would protect her, her and her baby.
VII.Day six - Monday.
I woke up slowly, trying not to move to much, my back sore from another night on the couch. I fumbled around trying to get the alarm on my mobile to stop its incessant beeping, and sat up rubbing my neck thinking about how much I wanted a sofa with a pull out bed.
"Marissa?" I called groggily into the next room. "You up?" getting no reply I wiped the sleep from my eyes and walked slowly into the kitchen.
I poured away yesterday's water out of the kettle, refilled it and put it on the hob to boil. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water and promptly left again, allowing it time to heat up.
"Marissa?" I said again, walking into her room, my old room, the only bedroom, "Marissa!" I repeated drawing the curtains, hoping that the sun light steaming through the window would do a better job of waking her than I was. "For G-d's sake." I grumbled pulling back the sheets and beating her with the spare pillow. "GET UP!"
"No." she said sleepily, stubbornly, rolling over and snatching the covers back.
"You have school."
"I have a bun in the oven." She told me placing the pillow over her head, trying to block out the sunshine. "I don't have school."
"Rissa, you're barely even showing-"
"You think I'm fat?" I heard her whine from underneath the pillow.
"For fucks sake!" I said snatching the other pillow from her and flinging it across the room. "You're not fat, you're pregnant and you were too thin anyway. Get up and go to school."
"Why?" she asked opening her eyes for the first time.
"So you can graduate. Go to college. Get a decent job…" I motioned with my hand, whilst pulling her into a sitting position with the other. "I'm making coffee, the showers running and you haven't been to school since Wednesday."
"I hate it when you're logic girl." She sighed, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.
"I know I'm such a bitch aren't I?" I laughed walking out of the room.
VIII.Later…
I sat in my office, staring at the computer screen blankly, my head ache not allowing me to concentrate. Instead I simply sipped from my seventh cup of coffee of the morning wondering how I could budget for a new sofa, the bills and the baby.
The baby. I'd found my mind wandering off again. I had to physically stop my self from exiting the budget report I was filling out for Nat and Googling all about the foetus. Finding out how big it was, what it was doing, possible names…
I was disturbed from my list by a knock on my door, and it promptly opening.
"May I help you?" I asked the red head who walked in. Her hair was dyed, and badly at that, she looked about the same age as my mum, just with more plastic surgery and a bigger budget for her wardrobe.
"Alexandra Kelly?" she asked looking me up and down.
"Alex actually." I corrected, turning off my monitor, standing up and pointing to the chair in front of my desk. "And you are?"
"I'm Mrs Cooper-Nickol."
"Oh." I said quickly sitting back down again.
I watched as she walked round the room slowly, taking everything in, from the band posters to the random bits of crap I had decorating the sofa in the corner. She eyed me up and down once more before she finally sat down in front of me.
"So," she said it slowly as if I was to know what she was about to say, as if I was to instantly feel belittled by her presence, "you're the young girl my daughter's moved in with. Well I must say your more punk than I expected."
"Is there a point to you being here?" I asked, I didn't have time for her mind fucks, I had work to do, a Seth to find… well he did owe me $500, and that certainly could do a lot of good right about now.
"I'm here to do to you what I did to the last one…" she said reaching into her handbag.
"Oh dear G-d you're going to kill me." I said standing up quickly trying to put as much distance between her and myself.
"Oh relax." She said waving a chequebook around. "DJ was $5,000 and seeing as you're not sleeping with Marissa I assume you won't cost nearly as much."
"Are you actually comparing your daughter to a whore?"
I was dumbfounded, utterly bewildered by the complete shift in events. First I thought she was going to kill me, now she wanted to buy me off… the thing was I'd never met her before in my life… normally people threaten before going straight to the bribing. There was a process and she was completely ignoring it.
"No, I just want the best for her, and living with you is not that."
"I hardly thing living back at home with your walking corpse that you call a husband counts as the best either." I said simply, folding my arms.
"Oh please," she smiled picking up a pen from my desk and writing the date on the newest cheque, "how long is this independence thing really going to last? I know my daughter, I only let her go with you because I knew it was a matter of time before she came back. As much as Marissa likes to complain she had a very nice life thanks to me...one she'll miss once the novelty wears off..."
"Yeah, the rapings were such fun!" I smiled at her.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm saying that if you don't put your whore-book," I shook my head, "sorry I meant chequebook, away and step out of my office, I will call Neil." I leant on the desk so I was looking down at her, "Oh and he's the really beefy guy out front wearing a security badge."
"Fine." She sighed out in a bored tone, "But beware, I married to the guy that built Newport, so I can make this hell for you… tell the police a nice little story about kidnapping a minor and holding her against her will."
"Yeah?" I smiled at her. "You make that call. But first," I walked round her and opened my door, "get the hell out of my club."
IX.
I leant against the door with my eyes closed. Fuck!
"You're home early." Marissa smiled at me when I finally opened my eyes again.
"I hate your mother."
"Join the club." She said handing me a beer.
"Only if I get to be president." I told her taking not only the beer she held out to me but hers as well.
"Hey!"
"You're pregnant." I explained walking towards the sofa.
"I had school." She stared down at me, her hands on her hips.
"I had your mother trying to buy me off." I said patting the space beside me. "Apparently because I'm not sleeping with you, I don't get as much money as DJ did."
"What?" she asked sitting beside me, grabbing the remote off the coffee table. "You mean I've gone down in value."
"Its cause you're not putting out."
"Hmm maybe we should rectify that." She smiled at me flicking on the TV. "Ah cool. Friends!" she laughed leaning her head on my shoulder and reaching for her beer.
"Still no." I smiled sipping from it.
"But, but, I'm adorable." She pouted at me.
Yes. Yes you are.
X.Day seventeen - Friday
I rubbed my eyes once more, trying to wake up, I had work in an hour and couldn't afford to fall asleep. Literally. If I turned up late again, which I had been for a while now, Nat had threatened to fire me. Marissa handed me yet another cup of coffee and sat beside me on the sofa, turning the volume up, hoping that the TV would help keep me awake too.
"I'm thinking about driving up to LA tomorrow." I yawned at her. "Seeing my mum, sister, Dad if he's there."
"How the hell are you going to be able to stay awake for the drive to LA, you're falling asleep in add breaks." Marissa laughed at me. I simply shrugged.
"By drinking copious amounts of Red Bull?"
"Or you could sleep in the bed with me." Marissa suggested, "and actually get some sleep at night. I've slept on this couch. Its not so much for the good sleeping." I simply looked at her. I didn't know what to say. "Its not as if I bite." She smiled. "And anyway, what's the point of having a double bed if there's no one to share it with?"
"You wouldn't mind?"
"Alex, you're letting me live in your house, avoid my mother, promised to raise my baby with me… I think we're past the point of sharing a bed. We're like a married couple, just with less sex."
"I'm saving up for a new sofa. You know one with a pull out bed."
"You do realise you're not saving any money as our coffee bills quadrupled."
"You have a point." I sighed, trying to remember what a decent night's sleep felt like
"I know." Marissa stuck her tongue out at me. "So tonight you're sleeping with me. No arguments."
I raised my hands in defence. "I'm too tired to argue."
"My point exactly."
XI.Day eighteen – Saturday
I woke up to find mine and Marissa's limbs confused, our bodies entwined.
I'd got home from work to find Marissa already asleep, she looked so innocent and angelic, I didn't want to disturb her. I'd found a note on the vacant pillow:
Didn't know what side you slept on, if you want the one I'm on, just roll me over. See you later. Ris xxI'd got ready for bed silently and slipped in beside her, not caring which side I slept on, as long as it didn't have sofa cushions it was bound to be better than the couch.
I laid on the edge. I was as stiff as a bored. I don't know why. Its not as if I'd never shared a bed with a girl before. Just with Marissa it was different. To be so close to her and not be able to touch her, it was stupid really, but I tensed up, completely. But as soon as she rolled over, mumbled something about 'Night' and rested her head in the nook of my shoulder, I found myself relax…
I tried to get up without waking her, she looked so peaceful, but I had to get up and on the road if I was going to get back in time for work.
"Rissa?"
"Mmm?" she moaned, snuggling closer to me.
"I need to get up."
"Its Saturday. The day of rest."
"Cept I'm not Jewish. And I have to get up." I told her gently.
"Convert and don't."
"I can't I like bacon too much." I smiled.
"Seth eats bacon." She mumbled.
"Yeah well, I still have to get up regardless of Seth's lack of Kosher-ness."
"Why?" she yawned out, rubbing her eyes.
"The drive to LA. See the parents and sister."
"Can I come?" she asked, opening her eyes for the first time.
"You don't want to meet my father."
"You're right. I want to stay here."
"Goon." I laughed untangling myself from her and attempting to get up.
"But if you're going. I might as well. See where you came from."
"Fine. But if he calls you a filthy lesbo don't say I didn't warn you."
XII.
I stopped the jeep outside my old house. It seemed tiny in comparison to Marissa's mansion, but it was a still a fair sized house. Marissa could tell that I was stressed about seeing my dad again, well it had been almost a year, and when I left we weren't exactly all hugs and kisses.
Turns out, when it comes to my dad, I can't hide my stress all that well either.
Me + Stress Road rage, lots.
I almost felt sorry for Marissa sat beside me on the drive up. I was terrible company, I swore and all the other cars on the road and flipped most of them off. She held onto her seat belt for dear life as I drove along the freeway. Apparently 110 miles per hour, not such a good speed for the faint hearted.
"If Dad accuses you of being my girlfriend; ignore him. If he accuses you of being gay; ignore him. He accuses me of trying to turn you gay; ignore him."
"Okay ignoring the dad. Got it." she confirmed with a nod.
"Seriously, he's not like the cool caring dad, he's the redneck evil dad."
"Really? I wondered why you were so nervous to see him again." Marissa smiled at me, touching her by the arm. "And even if he does assume I'm gay, I'd be honoured to be your girlfriend for the day."
"Its not too late to drive back you know, their showing re-runs of Friends all day, and I'm sure there's an episode I haven't seen yet."
"You're such a pouf." She laughed at me.
"Yeah, I am, that's kinda why he doesn't like me."
"You know what I mean." She said getting out and stepping onto the curb.
She walked up the path and knocked on the door leaving me no choice but to follow her.
"I'm so going to kill you for doing th- Mum!" I smiled as the door flung open. "Is Dad home?" I asked quietly and quickly.
"No, he's in Boston till Wednesday." She smiled at me. "Its good to see you again Alex."
"Where's Dave?" I asked walking into the house.
"Upstairs." She smiled embracing me. "I've missed you, you know that right?"
"Yes Mum." I laughed pushing her away. "This is Marissa by the way." I pointed towards Ris still standing on the cusps. "We're, well she's having a baby."
"Oh my G-d!" Mum laughed, pulling her inside, "How far gone are you, do you have any scans and do you know what its going to be?"
"Wow." Marissa stuttered, trying to get free from my mother, "That's a lot of questions." She smiled. "Nearly nine weeks, yes but its in Newport and no."
"I like you already." Mum said eyeing her up and down. "Much prettier than that Jodie girl." Marissa slowly turned a shade of red. "DAVE! Come down here and meet Alex's new girlfriend."
"Oh Mum, she's not my girlfriend." I jumped in quickly, "Marissa's straight."
"But you said you're having a baby together?"
"It's a long story." Marissa sighed.
"Yeah, too long, I have work at six."
"You work?" Dave laughed as she jumped down the remaining stairs. "I never thought I'd hear you say 'work' without 'I don't know how to' proceeding it." she laughed hitting me on the arm.
"Marissa this is Dave, Dave this is Marissa." I sighed pointing between them.
"Okay," Rissa smiled awkwardly, "I hate to point out the obvious but, uh, Dave's a girl."
"Yeah." Me, Mum and Dave all nodded in agreement.
"Well Dave kinda isn't a girl's name all that much, well at all really."
"The name's really Davina, but if you ever call me that, I will have to kill you." Dave laughed.
"And you're Alexandra," she pointed at me, "I'm sensing that your dad wanted boys."
"Well, he's half way there with Alex." Dave laughed, grabbing Marissa's hand and leading her into the siting room, "Common, lets sit down."
"So," Mum sighed sitting beside Dave on the couch, "tell me about this baby."
"Baby!" Dave looked round confused, "What baby? Baby?"
"I'm having a baby with your sister." Rissa told her, patting my knee.
"But you're straight…" Mum said slowly trying to figure everything out. "Where's the father?"
"He's, uh," I looked to Marissa for help.
"Out of the picture." She finished for me. "And my mum would only want me to abort, or put it up for adoption and I just can't do that. This is my child." She shrugged, stroking her stomach subconsciously. "And I couldn't think of any one more wonderful to raise it with me than your daughter, Mrs Kelly."
"So you two aren't doing the dirty?"
"Thank you for that Dave, so eloquently put." My mother sighed. "And it would appear not." She stood up, "Well you two have had a long drive, Alex help me out in the kitchen."
"Yeah that way Marissa can talk to me!" Dave smiled broadly, "Or, and this is my personal favourite, embellish me with gifts as she's now my straight, pregnant sister in-law, kinda thing…" she trailed off, clearly having no idea where she was going with that sentence.
"Or not." I laughed hitting her round the back of her head as I walked past her and into the kitchen. "What you need help with then?" I asked jumping up onto the counter top.
"Get down." She sighed. "You know what your father would say if he were here right?"
"That I'm an abomination against the Lord," I said sliding back down, "and the sooner I settle down and get married to a nice doctor the better?" I smiled weakly, "You sure he's not a Jewish mother?"
"You know what I'm going to tell you?"
"That you love me, and are really sorry that you had unprotected sex with a redneck that doesn't love me for who I am?" I shrugged, getting mugs out of the cupboard.
"To be careful," she sighed at me, "Use the good china." She said putting away the cups I'd just got out.
"Be careful?" I queried removing the now boiled kettle off the stove.
"I've seen the way you look at her, I'm surprised she hasn't caught on already," she sighed pouring water over the tea bags, "you always did wear your heart on your sleeve."
"What's that meant to mean Mum?" I asked folding my arms defensively.
"She's straight. She's not going to love you back."
XIII.Day twenty-five – Saturday
A knock on my office door awoke me from my day dream, it was fun I was being chased by the tax man with a giant axe, I hope it wasn't an open, but then he turned into Jennifer Aniston so I'm thinking not.
"Come in." I called, rubbing the bridge of my nose, trying to remember what it was exactly that I was doing.
"Hey." Marissa said tentatively peering round the door. "You alright?"
"I'm fine. Working but fine." I told her looking back at my monitor.
"Yeah I can see that." She said walking further into the room. "All you been doing lately."
"Well I have bills to pay, a baby to support. You know if you see Seth's scrawny arse can you tell him I want and need my money back."
"What happened?"
"I leant him $500, you were asleep in the other room."
"No, I mean between us." She corrected.
"Oh, nothing." I told her quickly, making sure I didn't catch her eye.
"Just that since we got back from seeing your mum, who called today by the way, you've been different around me." She sat in the chair before my desk and extended her hands so she was holding mine. "Does she not like me? Think I'm asking to much of you or something?"
I looked up and saw the hurt in her eyes, I didn't know what to say to her, so I did what I always did.
"Can we not do this now?"
Thankfully I was saved from the conversation I'd been avoiding for the past seven days by the door opening.
"Al, the club is packed, some idiot has just thrown up in the gent's, and we've got a bunch of college kids threatening to riot unless they're served."
"Okay I'll be right out Tru."
Marissa watched as the door shut before turning back to me, "Her name is Tru?"
"You're here to discuss the names of my bar staff?"
"No I'm here to talk to you full stop." She told me, brutally honestly, "Even if its your bar staff's names that get us communicating."
"Yeah well," I sighed scraping back my chair, "I have to work. We'll talk later."
I was wiping down the counter top of the bar, the club having long been empty, annoyed about how easily I'd pushed Marissa away, at how quick I was to shut her out.
I didn't understand it. I was fine with the whole 'love' thing and how she didn't love me back, okay so fine may be a slight exaggeration, but I was dealing. Just since we'd got back from my parents things had been different. I got home from work that night, got into bed and waited for her to wrap herself around me, which she did. And then it hit me. We were in a relationship. Only she didn't know it, and furthermore, she didn't want to be in one with me. What with her penis liking and all.
"Where do you want these?" Tru asked holding a crate of clean glasses in front of me, waking me from my thoughts, reminding me that the longer I stayed at work the less time I had to spend with her, the less time I had to be reminded of what was so close to me, but so very far away at the same time.
Mum was right. She was straight, she would never love me back, the longer we stayed like this the harder I was going to fall. I had to follow her advice. I had to be careful.
"Shelve them." I told her simply, not really in the mood to spell it out for her.
"Sorry I interrupted you earlier." She said as she walked round to my side of the bar to put away the glasses.
"Nothing I didn't want to be interrupted from." I smiled weakly continuing to un-stickify the bar. "Was another awkward situation with my room mate."
"Room mate?" I looked up to find her raising her eyebrows at me. "Please." She laughed.
"Oh no, Marissa's straight, we really are just room mates."
"Oh," she said slowly, making sure to catch my gaze, "so does that mean you're not and that you're free for a drink some time?" she asked a smile seductively inching its way across her face.
XIV
Later...
"How bout I carry the baby and you go to work?" I laughed, getting into bed beside Marissa.
"In case you've failed to notice I work too," she rolled over, so her back was towards me, "its called school."
"I'm sorry." I whispered to her.
"For what?" I felt her body move against mine. "Shutting me out or claiming I don't work."
"Technically you don't; I went to school more times than you." I smiled weakly, but she couldn't see.
"Why though?"
"I didn't really get on with my teachers."
She sat up suddenly and threw her head in her hands. "Will you be serious for just once in your life?"
I refrained from saying 'I tried it once but it didn't work for me' and instead asked her: "What do you want me to say?"
"Something, anything, everything." Once again she looked at me with hurt in her eyes. "Why have you shut me out?"
STOP:
There are three ways this conversation could have gone.
1."BECAUSE I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU RIS." And her lips suddenly crash into mine.
2."BECAUSE I'M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU RIS."
"Oh my G-d." she looks at me disgusted, you know like Buffy in season five when she's in the chains before Spike. She leaps out of bed, puts on as many clothes as she can find, throws the rest into a bag and leaves.
3."Because Mum wouldn't give me her blessing." I sit up slowly and rest my head in my hands just as she did before. "She has a secret fund for her 'grandchildren' and she won't help out with this one." I sigh, "Its just really tough for me right now, financially, I didn't want the burden to fall on you too." She rubs my back and says:
"I'm sorry am I putting to much pressure on you?"
"No its fine." I tell her and we hug, and I tell her sweetly: "I like looking after you and the bump, gives me some purpose. Know what I mean?"
PLAY:
I chose option three, no surprises there.
I remember the silence that came after we laid back down. I simply stared up at the ceiling as Marissa laid in the nook of my armpit, wondering why I didn't tell her the truth. Wondering how I could live like this, being so close to what I wanted but so far at the same time.
"Lex?" She broke the silence tentatively.
"Yeah?"
"How long that Tru girl been working at the club?"
"Just a couple of weeks now." I yawned out, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand.
She rolled over, so that she too was staring up at the ceiling. "She was totally checking you out." she told me quietly.
"She asked me out." I told her truthfully as she turned her head to face me for the first time I'd got home from work.
"What you say?"
"I told her I was tired, I just got in a fight with my room mate and I just wanted to go to bed."
She smiled at me, "You know some people refer to their partners as room mates so not to out themselves."
"Yeah, she didn't believe me at first, had to explain that you were straight."
"You did not just IN me did you?" she laughed hitting me on the arm.
"I'm sorry, weren't you ready to tell people?"
"Its who I am, guess I had to tell people some day." She joked along with me.
I watched her as she laughed, by lying to her I'd brought her back, the 'old' Marissa, the one that wasn't pregnant, didn't have a care in the world, the one that just had to bunk off school and bitch about her mother.
"She looks a bit like Faith, from Buffy, just with less leather," she yawned at me, as she rolled in closer to hug me. "If you go out with her you'll never get over you Eliza Dushku crush."
"Its not a crush," I smiled kissing her on the top of the head, "its true love and she will become my wife, well if Bush doesn't ruin the constitution to protect our liberties as long as you're a white heterosexual Christian."
"She doesn't bat for your team."
"Yeah well she hasn't seen me pitch." I told her softly as she fell asleep in the nook of my armpit with her hand wrapped around me. "Maybe if she had, she'd still dig the penis though." I said sadly as I too tried to drift of to sleep.
XVDay thirty six – Friday
I stared down at the girl beneath me. I still couldn't believe this was happening, a week ago we were just talking, having a laugh and now? Now she was looking up at me expectantly, almost beginning me to resume kissing her with her eyes alone.
I leant back down, so that our lips were once again touching, as my hands roamed her naked form. I was running circles round her left nipple, as I kissed my way down her neck leaving marks as I went.
"Lex please…" she moaned softly as my hand started to tease the elastic of her panties.
"Please?" I smiled at her, knowing I was driving her crazy, "Never took you to be a beggar."
"Fine." She sighed out in mock anger, as she grabbed my hand and put it where she really wanted it.
"Wow, you're excited." I laughed, feeling the wetness between her lips as I slowly ran my index finger up and down, purposely avoiding her clit at the top.
She buckled her hips trying to get me to move my hand, and give her the release that she wanted so badly. I kissed her slowly and deeply, before moving my mouth to her ear, nipping it gently. "Patience." I whispered as my other hand started playing with the elastic of her panties.
I moved my thumbs and forefingers so that they were able to slide the material down her longs, luscious legs as I kissed my way back down her body.
Only when I'd removed her underwear completely did I taste her. I trailed my tongue in between her lips, just as my finger had down before, slowly moving up towards her throbbing bundle of nerves.
"Oh G-d!" she moaned from beneath me, as I circled her clit for the first time, forcing her hips to buckle once more, as I entered her with two fingers and slowly started pumping.
However, it was I that tensed first.
"Shit." I sat up quickly, trying to locate our clothes.
"What the fuck?"
"Didn't you hear the door?" I asked her, throwing her trousers at her forcefully.
"Your girlfriend home? Cause you told me you were single." Tru stated, not sitting up right on my, our, mine and Marissa's bed, glaring at me.
"Its worse than that," I sighed, trying to button up my shirt and straighten out my hair at the same time, "Its my pregnant room mate; now hide!" I hissed at her, pointing towards the wardrobe, as I ran out of the bedroom. "Hey." I smiled at Marissa, trying to cover up the anxiety in my voice.
"Hey." She beamed back at me. "You alright? You look kinda flushed!"
"Yeah I'm fine." I said, patting my cheeks with the back of my hands trying to get the redness to fade. "How was school?"
"Hell." She responded simply. "Mum called I got to go round and 'talk' apparently." She shook her head as she tried to walk past me, into the corridor that led to our room. "Lex, can you move I need to get changed." She sighed.
"Why?" I asked trying to stop her, but without being too obvious.
"Cause I might as well dress in something she likes rather than incur her wrath further."
"But you like incurring her wrath. 'Mum bating' is your favourite sport."
"Why don't you want me to get changed?" she asked with a grin, as she attempted to get past me once more. "You got a surprise for me in there or summat?"
"Yeah." I agreed quickly, "And its not ready and I don't want to spoil it."
"Too late." She laughed ducking under my arm and heading into our room. "Lex there's nothing here!" she called from within it as I leant against the wall praying that Tru was a better at the hiding rather than the seek. "Unless you put it in the wardrobe." She laughed.
I did the only thing I could think of, I ran in after her, "Ris no!" I pleaded as her hand reached for the door knob.
However, my sentence was barely finished by the time the door was opened.
"Hi Marissa!" Tru smiled sheepishly from within it, trying to cover her still naked form with her hands.
XVI
"Tru?" she said it quietly staring at her naked figure in disbelief.
"I'd shake your hand but, uh…"
"You're naked." Marissa finished for her.
I leant against the doorframe, closed my eyes and prayed to any G-d that was listening that the scene before me what not happening.
I don't know why I hid her. She told me I could date. But why was I ashamed? Why was I pretending that I'd been working late for this past week? Why had I not told her that I'd said 'yes' to Tru when we were talking last week? Why were no longer communicating? Finding it difficult to talk?
The look on Marissa's face said it all. She was hurt. I'd lied to here.
"Tru I think you should go." I said, opening my eyes and finding the scene just as I'd closed them to.
"No need. I have to go to Mum's." Marissa simply brushed past me in her haste to get away from me.
The door slammed before either Tru or I said anything.
"Straight room mate huh?" she laughed, finally stepping out of the wardrobe.
"Just get dressed and go." I sighed following Marissa's lead and leaving the house.
XVI part two.
I stared at the wood in front of me for five minutes before I actually knocked. I was a wreck. Tell look on her face, the way she'd just run out, after all she'd been through I didn't want her going back to the bottle.
But one thing stuck out in my mind far clearer though. The words that Tru had said: 'Straight room mate huh?'
It was stupid. What did Tru know? Marissa was my best friend I would know if she was gay, she would have told me. Wouldn't she?
I continued to stare at the door, waiting for someone to answer it, when the voice of Tru's was replaced by a scene of the pilot episode of Friends.
'And you never knew she was a lesbian?' Joey asked.
'No! Okay!' Ross shot back at him. 'Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?'
Could she be gay?
I was woken from my day dreaming, my fantasying, my praying, but having the door open and reveal Sandy Cohen standing there, staring back at me.
"Hello Alex. I'm afraid that Seth's out with Summer."
"Oh no Mr Cohen I'm here to see Ryan."
"Ryan?" I simply nodded. "He's up in the spare bedroom."
"Thought he lived in the pool house?"
"Its occupied."
"Oh." I shook my head. "Upstairs?"
"Third door on your right." He smiled at me ushering me in and pointing the way.
"Thanks."
I tentatively knocked on the door (after getting no response from the first two having discovered that I still get my left and right confused) and waited for his grunt of acknowledgement before entering.
"Hi." I said with a small wave, realising that we hadn't really talked since I yelled at him for yelling at Marissa.
"She's in the pool house." he said not looking up from his magazine that he was reading on his bed.
"Oh I figured that was your brother, Marissa said he was in to- Hang on! Marissa's here?"
"Yeah." he said simply. "And carrying Caleb's baby, hurt that you slept with some honest girl-"
"Tru?"
"That's the one." He said putting his magazine to the side. "Oh and she's fucking in love with you, you blind little shit."
"Fuck you Ryan." I snapped at him. "I don't need your sarcasm on top of my guilt. I know I fucked up but you don't have to through the fact that Marissa will always love you in my face too."
"No." He swung his legs round, stood up and slowly approached me. "That's the problem." His tone was hard, his words over pronounced, anger clear in his eyes. "She loves you. That's why it didn't work between me and her. That's why when I offered to raise that bastards child with her she turned me down. That's why she's living with you; cause she loves you and not me."
I shook my head. He was playing some evil mind fuck on me. He'd never liked me, even at that group hang we clearly got off to a bad start. I couldn't believe him.
"She would have told me." I stuttered out eventually. It was barely audible but he heard it.
"Not if she thought you were still hung up on Jodie. Not if she thought that you didn't love her back. Not if she thought if she told you, you'd leave."
"Oh my G-d." I covered my mouth with my hand.
"She's of the school of thinking that having a secret unrequited love is better than risking losing a friend and admitting feelings just in case they didn't feel the same."
"But I love her too."
"And I told her that." His bitterness faded instantly with that simply sentence, he laid a hand on my shoulder. "You're not all that good with the emotion hiding; only the blind and Marissa can't see what you're feeling."
'She didn't know, how should I know?'
Only she did know, I was just too caught up in my love for her to notice...
Irony's a bitch.
XVII
"…she's fucking in love with you, you blind little shit."
I leant against the door frame and watched her lie with her back to me, clearly feigning sleep, I simply walked slowly towards her, kicked off my shoes and laid down beside her. I rolled onto my side so that we were spooning and draped my hand over her side.
"You love me?" I asked her quietly as I pulled her towards me, she merely nodded into the pillow trying to muffle her tears. "Good." I smiled into her neck. "Cause I love you too."
I sat on the bed next to her, my arm around her (as it had been almost constantly since day thirty six) and watched her hold him in her arms, staring down at him dotingly.
"You really want to call him that?"
"I think its fitting." She said taking her eyes off him for the first time since he'd been handed to her.
"Really?"
"We're lesbian mums and you're a huge friends fan. How could it not be fitting?"
I merely kissed her on the forehead and slowly took him out of her arms and into mine. I held him against my chest and watched wriggle in his sleep.
"Hello Ben." I smiled down at him.
THE END
R&R
Circus