Note: I've started many-a fanfic in my day but I've never finished one and I've certainly never written anything like this. I would appreciate it very much if you let me know weather you hate it or love it. Enjoy.
Story takes place at the end of Swan Song. Sam has just jumped into the cage with Michael and Lucifer.
Dean knelt over the place where his brother had disappeared into the ground. It was hard to wrap his mind around the fact that a moment ago, Sam had been there. And it didn't just look like Sam, it really was him. Somehow he had managed to overpower Lucifer and take control of his own body, and then he jumped.
Now he was in hell. Trapped in a cage, in hell, with the devil and his angry, archangel brother. Dean felt confused, sad, empty, but most of all he felt guilty. He was sure that If he had just tried a little harder, just a little bit, he could have saved Sam.
He felt the horsemens' rings heavy in his hand, the key to the cage, and he considered opening it back up and jumping in after Sam. At least then they could bear the pain of hell together. Dean had experience. Surely he would be stronger the second time around.
Dean felt the presence of someone behind him and he looked up through swollen eyes.
"Cas you're alive?"
"Somehow. Yes."
A grunt from behind and Dean turned to see Bobby stirring on the ground. He rushed to his side.
"Bobby you okay?"
"Yeah I think so."
When Dean felt a tingling sensation on his face he reached up to touch it and felt smooth skin under his fingers, the aftermath of Lucifer's beating wiped clean.
"What's going on, Cas?"
"I don't know. Perhaps God has saved us."
"God?" Dean scoffed. "Since when does God give a crap about us?"
"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas said "I don't know."
"Are you... I mean, are you back back?" Dean asked.
"I'm not an angel, if that's what you mean. I'm human."
All Dean could say was "Oh."
The three of them drove silently back to Bobby's. All thinking the same thing, but nobody willing to speak. What could anybody say, really? Lucifer was back in hell, the Apocalypse had been stopped and Sam was gone. No words were going to change any of that.
"You can stay here as long as you want." Bobby said as they entered the old house that had been like a home to Dean his whole life, but now felt unfamiliar and cold. "Both of you." Bobby nodded to Cas.
Dean mumbled a thanks and headed to the guest bedroom.
Hours later a soft knock on the door brought Dean back to reality.
"Go away, Bobby." He said. "I don't want to talk."
The door squeaked open slightly and Cas poked his head through.
"It's me, Dean." He said. "I'd like to speak with you."
"Oh." Dean had been expecting Bobby to want to talk, to make sure he wasn't planning anything stupid. But not Cas. "Sure, I guess. Come in."
Cas stepped into the room but didn't come any closer. "I'm sorry about Sam." He said.
Dean nodded.
"He did it. He stopped the Apocalypse. He was stronger than I thought." Cas said.
Dean nodded.
"I really am sorry, Dean. I can feel it. I don't know how to describe it really, but I think it must be... sadness."
Dean looked up, a little bit surprised. "Thanks Cas." He said.
Cas walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
The following days were difficult. Dean spent a lot of time just laying on the bed at Bobby's and staring at the ceiling. He drank a lot. He found it a tiny bit easier when he was half unconscious. Not easier to forget, but easier to just not think about things. A couple of times he had gone out into the yard and smashed the windows of old cars. He had yelled at Bobby and Cas, and one time even gone on a rampage in the house, kicking over furniture and breaking empty beer bottles on the floor. Bobby quickly put an end to that. But none of it helped. Sam was still gone.
Bobby and Cas spent most of their time doing research. Cas knew that there was no way they could get Sam back, and he reminded Bobby of that a few times. Bobby knew it too, but he also knew that Dean would never give up on trying to save his brother and that if he couldn't find a way Dean would probably try to do something stupid, like sell his soul again. That Idjit.
Dean started spending more time with Bobby and Cas. Not that any part of him felt any better, but Dean was the kind of person who needed to be doing something and passed out drunk in a bedroom was not helping to get Sam back.
Another week with no results and Dean decided to take a case. A shape shifter in Oregon. Cas came with to help. It felt good to be helping people again and Dean remembered when he and Sam had hunted that shapeshifter in St. Louis. That wasn't long after Dean had gotten Sam from Stanford and they had started hunting together again. Now it felt like so long ago. Like a different life completely. Someone else's life.
"This feels good." Cas said. They were at the bar having a celebratory drink.
Dean laughed half-heartedly. "Who would have thought you and me would be hunting shape shifters together, huh?"
"Yeah." Cas said smiling. "Feels like happiness."
They clinked their glasses together and took a drink.
"Good." Dean said. "Happy is good."
Dean and Cas worked more cases together. A wendigo in Minnesota, an angry spirit in Colorado. When Dean was hunting, it was easier to not think about other things. Stay focused on the task at hand and it was almost like the old days, only drastically different. They would always go for a drink afterwards and they would talk and sometimes Dean would laugh, but when they got back to the motel and Cas was snoring loudly on the other side of the room, there was nothing Dean could do to stop the memories from flooding in.
The days went on.
It had been 4 months since that day at Stull Cemetery. Dean and Cas stumbled in the door of their motel, feeling good after celebrating a successful hunt. Another monster that wouldn't be hurting anybody anymore. This time it had been a djinn. Dean remembered the last djinn he had hunted and the alternate reality it had created for him. A world where Mom was alive, Sam was alive, and they weren't hunters. Why's it our job to save everyone? The djinn's version of Sam had asked. Dean felt a flash of anger. Why the hell was it their job? If they could have just lived a normal life, Sam would be alive right now.
"S'not fair." Dean mumbled.
"What's not?" Cas asked from across the room.
"None of it. Why's it gotta be us, huh? Why'd it have to be Sam? Why can't someone else save the goddamn the world for once?" The words came out slurred. Dean sat up, wobbly on the bed.
Cas sat up too. "Dean..." he said, but couldn't finish. Maybe it was the alcohol's doing, but Cas just couldn't find the words. He instead moved to sit next to Dean and put a supportive hand on his shoulder.
"No." Dean said, blinking back tears "We shouldn't have had to live like that. Sammy shouldn't have grown up knowing that the boogeyman was real." Dean stopped, burying his face in his hands, the entire weight of his guilt swept over him. "I shouldn't have went to get him at Stanford. I should have let him be a lawyer, marry Jess, y'know? He could have had a boring apple pie life. Instead he's being tortured in hell by Satan himself and I can't do anything about it." The tears were running freely now.
"Dean..." Cas said again, pulling him closer. Dean's head fell against Cas's shoulder as he cried. "He could never have had a normal life." Cas said. "You've said it before. Hunters don't get to have normal lives. They don't ever get out."
Dean didn't say anything else. Cas watched his shoulders shake as he cried. He wanted to help, it killed him to see Dean this way, but Cas didn't know what to do. He leaned forward and, before his brain really even registered what he was doing, pressed his lips against Dean's.
Dean hesitated, but only for a second, before pushing Cas away and jumping to his feet.
"The hell are you doing, Cas?" Dean demanded.
Cas looked back at Dean with wide, shocked eyes. "I-I'm sorry Dean" He stammered. "I don't know..."
Dean tilted his head, unsure of what to do, but decided that sitting would be best since the room was spinning around him in a drunken haze.
He sat.
"Dean, I –" Cas started, but Dean cut him off.
"Don't worry about it, Cas." He said, trying to play cool, but Dean could still feel the kiss on his lips. He didn't know why, but he liked the feeling. Dean looked at Cas. He looked scared and confused but also a little needy. His eyes drifted down to Cas's lips and before he could stop himself he was leaning towards them.
Their lips met again and this time neither of them pulled away.
Dean could feel the passion in the kiss, but other than that Cas remained still. Dean reached up and ran his fingers through Cas's thick hair, pulling him in closer. Cas turned his head to catch a breath and Dean immediately moved his mouth to Cas's neck, kissing along his collar bone.
"Dean." Cas's plea came out as a whisper. It wasn't a plea to stop. Dean recognized the desperation and hooked his fingers under Cas's shirt, moving his face away just long enough to pull the shirt up over Cas's head. He admired Cas's naked chest for a moment before pulling off his own shirt. Cas ran his fingers across Dean's body and Dean leaned forward, pushing Cas back onto the bed and undoing his pants at the same time.
Dean didn't waste any time. He worked Cas with his fingers, then pressed slowly inside. Cas inhaled sharply and grasped at the sheets of the bed. Dean pulled out then pushed back in again. A few more times and Cas moaned, tilting his head, arching his back and pressing his hips into Dean. Dean started thrusting at a steady pace, keeping his eyes locked on Cas as he moved beneath him. Every time Cas moaned or breathed Dean's name, Dean felt as if his world would explode.
Dean could feel the familiar tightness as he neared climax. Cas's body stiffened under him and he knew he was almost ready too. He reached down and gripped Cas, stroking him until he let out a groan and relaxed. Dean came a few seconds later.
The next morning, Dean woke up first. His head hurt and he felt slightly nauseous, hung over from the night before. He turned over in bed and found a naked Cas sleeping next to him.
"What the..." Dean said. In an instant, last night came back to him. He jumped out of bed, grabbing his pants off the floor. "Oh god. Jesus Christ."
The sound of Dean rushing around the room, panicked, woke Cas. He noticed he was naked in Dean's bed and immediately realized what they had done. He sat up and watched with wide eyes as Dean threw things into his duffle bag. Cas didn't regret last night, but it was clear to him that Dean was upset so he tried to reason with him.
"Dean. It's okay." He said.
"No, Cas, it is not okay. Okay? Fuck."
"Fine. But please sit down. We can talk about this."
"Nothing to say." Dean zipped his duffle bag shut and pulled on his shoes.
"Dean, I'm sorry." Cas pleaded.
Dean threw his duffle bag over his shoulder and walked out without another word.
Dean spent the next week mostly drunk. He got in fights at bars and slept with random girls, as many as he could get. But no matter what he did, he couldn't keep that night out of his mind. He had already lost his brother and now he was going to lose his best friend too, and over something so stupid. How could I have let it happen? The thought kept running through Dean's mind. How could I have gotten so drunk that I didn't know what I was doing? But Dean couldn't lie to himself. All the girls. Maybe he could convince everyone else, but not himself. The most disturbing part, in Dean's eyes, was that deep down he knew that he wanted it. He wanted Cas.
Cas stayed at the motel the whole week. He didn't know where Dean was and he wasn't answering Cas's phone calls. He didn't think Dean would have gone back to Bobby's, but he called anyway.
"Isn't he with you?" Bobby said.
"Just haven't seen him in a few hours." Cas replied. Really it had been days. "Just wondering if you'd heard from him."
He tried calling Dean again. And again. He left voicemail messages, apologizing, begging Dean to just call him.
"We can pretend it never happened." He said. "I'm sorry Dean, please just call me."
Eight days since Cas had seen Dean last, a knock on the motel room door woke him at 3am. He hoped it was Dean, but looked out the peephole first, just to be safe.
"Dean!" Cas said, swinging the door open.
Dean wobbled forward, eyes half closed, and Cas's first instinct was to reach out and help. But he realized Dean was okay, just drunk, so he was careful not to touch him.
"Hey, Cas." Dean mumbled and took a step forward, tripping over his own feet. Cas caught him and pulled him over to the bed, then took several steps back, giving Dean his space.
"Where have you been?" Cas asked softly. "I've been worried. You could have been dead for all I knew."
"Yeah." Dean snorted. "Been here and there."
""Ok, well, I'm glad you're back."
Dean stood up and took a wobbly step toward Cas, then another. "I'm glad too." He said.
Cas didn't know what to do, so he remained still as Dean closed the distance between them. Suddenly Dean's lips were pressed against his. His hands on Cas's shirt, pulling, needy.
Cas put his hands on Dean's shoulders and took a step away from him.
"Dean, no." He said.
"Oh now you don't want me. Fantastic."
"It's not that. You're drunk, Dean. Last time this happened you disappeared for a week. I can't go through that again."
"Dammit Cas." Dean said angrily, knocking Cas's hands off his shoulders. "I can't do this."
Cas took a step forward to help but Dean just pushed him, which had little effect on Cas but sent Dean backwards onto the ground.
"Fuck!" He yelled. "I can't do this, Cas!" Dean dropped his head and cried on the floor. "I've got nothing left. I can't get Sam back. Hell, I haven't even been trying! I've been hunting stupid, D-list monsters with you and I forgot all about Sammy locked in hell with Lucifer."
"You didn't forget about Sam." Cas said.
"No. Of course I didn't forget about him. But I haven't exactly been doing much to help him."
"Bobby's looking. We're looking. Dean, we're just helping people in the mean time."
"Screw the people." Dean said. "They can help themselves."
"You don't mean that."
"Like hell I don't! Why are they more important than Sam? Why should I rescue them when I have nothing, huh? I lost Sam and now I'm going to lose you too!"
"You're not going to lose me." Cas said. "You seem to be forgetting that you're all I have as well."
Cas reached down and wrapped an arm around Dean's shoulder, pulling him up onto the bed. Dean turned away and cried silently, half unconscious. Cas lay down next to him and rubbed his back as he fell asleep, being sure to keep a good foot and a half of empty bed between his body and Dean's.
Early morning light hit Cas's eyes and he opened them slowly. He tilted his head down to look at Dean who was curled up sleeping, pressed against Cas's chest, and Cas realized that he had fallen asleep in Dean's bed. He didn't move. Half because he didn't want to wake up Dean, and half because he liked the feeling and he knew that once Dean woke up he was probably going to try to leave again. They lay in silence for another 10 minutes before Dean stirred. Cas jumped up immediately and moved to his own bed.
"Cas?" Dean sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and turning to face Cas who was sitting across from him.
"Hey." Cas said, shifting his eyes to the ground. Now that they were both sober it was a bit awkward. Cas wanted to move on and get back to normal, but he didn't know what words would convince Dean, so he said nothing.
"I'm sorry I left." Dean said finally.
"It's okay. Your back now." Did that sound too caring? Cas wasn't sure. "I mean, at least your not dead." He added.
"Yeah. Listen." Dean started and Cas lifted his head to meet Dean's eyes. "Thank you. For being there, I mean. I've been going through a lot and... I don't know. It's nice to have some human touch once in a while."
Cas perked up, hopeful.
"It's just... I'm sorry, Cas. I can't. Two guys, like us, aren't supposed to do that. It's not right." Even as Dean said it, he could feel how wrong the words felt.
Cas was confused. "I don't understand, Dean." He said hesitantly. "I mean, I've slept with a few girls from the bars after a case, but I didn't feel towards them what I feel towards you. With you I feel... good, Dean. I don't want to just sleep with you and leave you like those girls. I want to be with you. To actually be withyou. If that's how I really feel... how can that be wrong? How can my feelings be wrong?"
Dean was shocked. He wasn't sure how to respond. He knew he had feelings for Cas, he was done trying to convince himself otherwise, but he just couldn't bring himself to admit it out lout.
"I'm sorry." Dean said. "I... I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say.
Cas looked down to his hands. "It's okay." He paused for a moment. "I suppose this is what embarrassment feels like."
Dean felt terrible. "Cas... you know you mean everything to me. You're all I've got now that... I'm sorry. I just can't."
Cas smiled sadly. "And this must be a broken heart."
Cas got up and turned away from Dean, running his fingers through his hair. Dean watched as he walked to the table and just stood there, looking down at it. Dean moved to stand behind Cas, putting a friendly hand on his shoulder. Cas turned. His eyes were soft and caring. Dean pulled him into a hug. They stayed like that for a moment, unsure of what to do next.
"It's okay, Dean." Cas said finally.
Dean pulled away and looked into his best friend's eyes. All the feelings Dean had for Cas battled against his brain's image of right and wrong. His own words echoed in his head. Cas, you know you mean everything to me. You're all I've got. Then Cas's words. If this is how I really feel, how can that be wrong?
Dean realized that he'd been just staring at Cas for a while now, but Cas hadn't moved or spoken. How can this be wrong? Dean repeated again in his head. He swallowed hard, closed his eyes and kissed Cas.
Cas kissed Dean back for a moment then pulled away. "You don't have to do this, Dean." He said.
"Yeah. I know." Dean replied. "I want to."
The two of them tumbled onto the bed, tangling in the sheets and with one another as they pulled off each other's clothes, touching and kissing in all the right places. This time it was not the desperate need to get off, like it had been the first night, or drunken lust like it was for Dean the night before. This time it's passionate and slow.
Dean kissed up and down Cas's body, stopping near his crotch. He lowered his head and explored the area with his tongue. Cas moaned. The thought that Dean could make Cas feel good really got him going. He bobbed his head up and down for a few minutes, meanwhile preparing Cas with his fingers. Then, unable to stand it any longer, he pulled his face away and gripped himself, lining up with Cas. Cas breathed heavily under Dean as he waited. Dean pushed into Cas and they both moaned.
"God, Cas." Dean whispered. Cas mumbled unformed words back.
Dean kissed Cas's chest as he slid in and out, and Cas pulled at Dean's hair, moving his hips with Dean's. It lasted longer this time, even though Dean felt like he would lose control every time Cas made a noise. Dean grabbed Cas and began stroking.
"Dean." Cas whispered at first, then got louder, almost yelling. "Dean!" He cried as his body stiffened and Dean felt Cas, sticky in his hand. It was enough to send Dean over the edge and he collapsed onto Cas, kissing his lips.
They lay there for a while. Could have been minutes, could have been hours. Cas couldn't tell. All he knew was that this felt perfect. This was the way things were supposed to be. He absentmindedly ran his fingers over Dean's bare chest, watching it rise and fall with each breath. Dean sat up suddenly and Cas's first reaction was panic. He was sure Dean was going to freak out again.
"Dean?" He asked cautiously. "You okay?"
"Ever since –" Dean paused. He hadn't been able to talk about Sam to anyone, except for a couple times when he'd fallen apart drunk. But this was Cas. If he was ever going to feel okay again, Cas was going to be the one who made him feel it. He swallowed hard and started again. "Cas, ever since... Sam... well, you know. Ever since Sammy's been gone it's been... really hard for me."
Cas put a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder. "I know, Dean." He said.
"And you've been here. For me. The whole time. And I.. well, I appreciate it." Dean fumbled over the words. He hated these chick-flick moments, but at the same time he felt that this was one that needed to happen. "I mean, you really saved my life, Cas. And when I'm around you I feel... safe." That wasn't exactly the word Dean was looking for, though it was true. Dean needed Cas to understand, but the feelings were hard to put into words.
"Sam was my brother." Dean decided to try a new angle to get the words out. "We've always kinda looked out for each other, you know? And he's really all I ever had. So it's been hard." Dean looked Cas straight in the eye. "It's like a hole." Dean placed his hand on Cas's chest, over his heart. "And nothing is really ever going to be able to fix that, Cas, but when I'm with you I feel... happy."
Cas didn't say anything. Just stared back at Dean with focused, caring blue eyes.
"And you were right. If we feel these things, well, then they can't be wrong can they? Nobody can tell us how to feel." Dean stopped for a moment to compose himself. He felt like he could cry, but he didn't. "What I'm trying to say is... that I want this." He put a shaky hand over Cas's. "I want you, Cas. I want us." Dean didn't know what else to say so he hung his head and waited for Cas's response.
Cas put a finger under Dean's chin and tilted his face up to look at him. Dean's eyes glistened with tears and one rolled silently down his cheek. Cas brushed it away with his thumb and leaned in slowly.
They kissed.
Emotions swirled through Cas. Too many to count, too many to recognize. Finally he pulled away.
"This must be love." He said.
They kissed again and Dean knew that everything would be okay. It was true, nothing could ever fix the hole that Sam left in his heart, but when he was with Cas it hurt a little less. It was finally okay for him to talk about Sam, to let the healing really begin. And with Cas by his side during it, Dean knew that he would make it through. He was finally happy. He was in love.
THE END