Author' Note - Alright, yet another parody that I wrote some time ago. I was sort of poking at my friends and myself when we even think of Alucard. Just good humored fun. Disclaimer- I do not own anything in the following fic. All character's belong to their rightful owners. If I owned Alucard, none of you would ever see im again! (Laughs manically in the corner.)
Integra glared furiously at the piece of paper in her hand. Her hand faintly trembled in anger, her fingers threatening to crumple the paperwork into a tiny little ball, as she bit down a little too hard on her cigar. "Bastard," she growled past the cancer stick. Her eyes narrowed on the print of the casualty report of her pet's most recent mission and shook her head. She finally slammed the paper back down on her desk in indignation. "ALUCARD!!"
A brief second or two later the red-clad vampire fazed into her office, twirling his glasses round his finger and the wide-brimmed hat fixed lopsidedly on his head. "Yes, Master?" he asked suavely, brushing a piece of imaginary lint from his trench coat. And of course, it just wouldn't be Alucard if it weren't for that damn annoying smirk plastered to his face.
"Would you like to explain this," she snapped, waving the paper rapidly, making it seem to flutter in an imaginary wind.
"Why its paper, Master," he responded, grinning at her Hellsing temper which was beginning to flare wildly in her icy cerulean eyes.
"This is not a game, Servant," she retorted bitterly. He just continued to smirk.
She stood up scowling as she leaned over her desk, and tapped the particular print with an agitated gloved finger. "'Four female civilians executed at ten-fifteen P.M. by Alucard. Weapon most likely used: .454 Semi-Automatic Casull and higher caliber Jackal'," she quoted. She glared at him from behind a few strands of platinum hair and silver-framed glasses. "Are you having troubles with your hearing vampire? Because you cannot kill innocent civilians or any human without a direct order from me – and I gave no such order."
"I followed your orders exactly, Sir Integra," Alucard drawled with amused red eyes. "My orders were to destroy the ghouls, the Freak, and any other suspicious demonic creatures, specifically those trashy so-called vampires. That's what I did."
"Since when have I or my family ever deemed innocent civilians as monsters? And don't remind me of Rio, that was necessary and you know it."
"But Integra that's where you're wrong," the No-Life King said, now suddenly severe, and his cocky poise disappeared. It was almost disturbing to see him not grinning for once. "They weren't innocent. Not at all, never." He strode forward to stand right next to the desk.
"What are you bloody talking about? They were human teenagers!"
"No, no, Master. They weren't human, not a single one of them. And those who believe that they are are easily deceived by their looks." His eyes were a little wider and he began leaning on the desk. "They were monsters – real monsters! A monster that's so unique, so
wide-spread, so terrifying, so horribly disturbing that even I dare not get too close. There are so many different species of this creature and they were the one breed that I fear!"
"And what is this so-called 'monster', Alucard?" Integra scoffed.
Alucard looked left and right wildly as if he were about to utter something extremely taboo. He leaned in closer to Sir Integra and hissed, "Fangirls!!" Integra quirked an eyebrow as he continued in a sort of excited tone, his voice now rising. "Fangirls! Four of them!! They were staring at me with those round, fascinated, crazed glowing eyes! They had pink hearts floating over their heads – pink! Pink! The Freak was a decoy, a trap! They were waiting for me! They tried to subdue me, steal me away I dare not even dream!! I had no choice! I had to shoot them!" By now he had his master by her shoulders and was yelling, red eyes wide and frantic. "They're evil I tell you! EVIL!"
The sound of a sharp slap rang throughout the office. "Get your hands off me and get a grip on yourself," Integra said calmly. "Fangirls? Honestly, Alucard."
"It's true! But I didn't kill them! That's what's worse – they just don't die! Nothing can stop them!" he began again, quieter and away from the desk. He began biting his claws. "They're mad! Crazed! Evil incarnate! Perhaps more powerful than myself! They never stop! Beat them, shoot them, poison them and they just come back for more with those – delighted – hideous grins!!" His eyes shifted back and forth as Integra peered curiously out the window, noticing something at the front door. He didn't notice her grin and say, "Is that so…?"
"They went down and I fled. But they're not dead. I know they're not! They were after me! They may have followed me home…! Master who were you talking to?" the frantic and paranoid vampire inquired as she hung up the phone.
"Oh just Walter," she said waving her hand lazily in the air at the mention of the butler. "I told him to send up our guests."
"Guests?"
There was no time for a reply as the office door swung open. Alucard turned around – his eyes went wider and he dropped his glasses. Four girls – one dressed as Seras, one as a young Integra and two Japanese schoolgirls – stood in the doorway. For a spilt there was silence… Then: "AALUUCAARD!! AAAAHH- HAHA!"
"AAAHHHH!!," Alucard bellowed and dodged behind Integra's desk and she quickly dodged out of the way as the fangirls came squealing right behind him. She grinned as Alucard slid underneath and began running around the office in circles, yelling at the top of his lungs, fangirls in hot pursuit.
"OMG! ALUCARD! Wait!"
"MASTER! HEELP!"
"Alucard! SLOW DOWN! WE LOVE YOU!"
"No, no! No! Let go!" Alucard yelled as one snatched his hat. For a moment he did a bit of tug-of-war – until one grabbed his coat. He let go of his hat and quickly spun out of the coat and began to dodge the fangirls again.
"OMG! I got his hat!"
"I got his coat! I'll cherish it forever!"
"Alucard! Wait!"
"MASTER! STOP THIS MADNESS!! PLEASE!! I WANT TO LIVE!!"
"You're already dead," Integra smiled.
"You know what I mean!" he yelled as he was forced to jump over her desk, causing the ashtray to clatter to the floor. Then he turned around and at breakneck speed he spun the desk and pinned the girls to the wall with it. He quickly went down on his knees before Integra, his hands clasped in a pleading manner, the girls beginning to shove at the desk. "Master Integra. Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing – please! You don't know what they are capable of – what they'll do to me! I've been a good servant, haven't I? I mean other than teasing and taunting you for about a decade and turning the Police Girl?" The girls inched closer. "Please, Master! I beg you!" He bowed before her like a monk in prayer, hands splayed on the floor. "Please, please, please, please, PLEASE!! Spare me from – YYOOOWWW!" Alucard shot up like a rocket, hands on the seat of his pants. He whipped around to see one "schoolgirl" with her head sticking out from under the desk and an outstretched hand, a devious look on her face.
"Ooohh! Girls, he's firm!," she crowed.
"You lucky little (censor)! If I were as skinny as you, I would have done it!," called one.
"So unfair! I want to touch Alucard-kun's a- "
"THAT MINE THANK YOU!," he yelled, cutting off the other Japanese girl, and backing away from them with a twitching eye. His hands were still guarding his backside. He didn't get far. The desk finally was tipped over and the pack of squealing fangirls sprung over the edge. The vampire didn't stand a chance. Before he could move they tackled him.
Alucard writhed on the floor, yelling as they squealed louder all over him.
"AHH! I've got his gloves!"
"The tie is mine!"
"GET OFF!!"
"I want his shirt!"
"No! GET OFF!," Alucard yelled, now standing and trying to fling the girls off him. He spun round and round, prying at them. Then suddenly was a loud RRRRR-RRIIIPP! The white button up shirt lay in tatters in the hands of "Young Integra".
And Alucard was now only wearing pants and boots.
A pause and four gasps.
Silence…until: "O—h shit."
No sooner had the two words fell from his mouth the fangirls all squealed in unison; "WASHBOARD ABS!! AAAAAHHHH!!" Alucard, realizing that this must be some sort of cruel punishment form his master, darted for the door, out the hall and down the stairs. Integra rolled on the floor with laughter as the girls all followed him, just barely out of reaching distance. "ALUCARD!!"
"NNOOOOOO!!"
Walter was leaving the kitchen with a full tray of Sir Integra's tea and lemon cakes when Alucard suddenly slid round the corner, boots skidding on the marble, wearing only boots and trousers. He was sprinting towards him, eyes wide, muttering "no, no, no, no, no, no, no…" The butler opened his mouth to speak when he heard something like a stampede… Then they came round the corner, eyes shaped like hearts and hearts bursting over their heads, hands reaching for the vampire. "Look! It's Walter-san!" They squealed and Walter dropped the tray in realization.
"RUN, WALTER, RUN!" Alucard yelled. He didn't have to tell him twice, and they were running side by side. The Alucard/Walter fangirls gained a few more feet.
"Why, Alucard?!"
"Blame Integra! It's not my fault!"
"ALUCARD!! WALTER! WE LOOVVE YOOUU!!"
Author's Note- Alright, just tell me what you think of it. I was hyper on dark chocolate again when I wrote this, so I know it's really weird. Please review!