It was the perfect plan; but it had turned out to be a complete failure.
I mean, I had so carefully planned everything! Finn and I would inevitably grow closer when I thoughtfully matched his mom and my dad together. He would finally realize that we are meant to be. I can see us parading the halls of McKinley, hand in hand, ignoring the incredulous and, I'm sure, jealous looks of all the losers and Neanderthals of this god-forsaken school. We would be cool, we would be gorgeous.
But things didn't quite go as planned… First, Finn bonded with my father, just like that, out of the blue. I guess it had to be expected. I know my dad loves me, but I also know that deep down inside, he wishes I was a straight jock like Finn. So I tried to get Finn's help and make our parents break up, but that didn't work either. "Keep your eyes on the prize" is what I kept repeating myself at that time.
And then the adults had the most fantastic idea: Finn and his mom moved in with us. It was just too perfect! If we shared a bedroom, Finn would come to understand that I was the one for him. I mean, come on… I have the looks, I have the attitude… and boobs are so overrated. But, guess what? That failed too! In a very spectacular manner, I might add. Finn said the word. The word that makes any proud gay man cringe. And at that moment, my crush on him just lost a whole lot of its magic.
I did forgive him, though. After he saved Tina and I from the ass-kicking of our lives wearing that hideous red shower-curtain dress, I begged my dad to let him live with us again. I couldn't possibly let him crash at Noah Puckerman's any longer… I mean, for God's sake, I wouldn't wish that to my worst enemy. Wait a minute… I don't have to, because after all, Noah already lives in his own house! HA! I'm so clever. Sometimes I seriously amaze myself. Gotta save this one for Mercedes.
Anyway, Finn was back, and we could all be a lovely happy family once again. …That's bull, I know. Our relationship was nowhere near what I had wanted it so badly to become. And honestly, I didn't even want it anymore. Finn is a great guy, but the more I learned about him by rooming with him, the more I realized that he was not the Prince Charming I liked to pretend he was.
One thing remained, though: I was irresistibly and viscerally attracted to him. And because of this fact, I found that this whole ordeal had one major good side.
See, when my dad redid the whole basement to turn it into my dream bedroom two years ago, he built me a beautiful bathroom and a big walk-in closet. He did bite quite a bit more than he could chew, though, and had a really hard time with the plumbing. By the end of the renovations, he was so fed up that my walk-in is still unfinished to this day. It's fully functional, but look-wise, it's not exactly Carrie Bradshaw's in the Sex and the City movie. But still, my father built me a walk-in closet. If that's not love, then I don't know what that is. My dad is awesomeness in a flannel shirt.
Anyway, my point is that there is a hole in the wall that separates the bathroom and the closet, because my dad had planned to install an electrical outlet. It's about 4x3 inches, at 10 inches from the ground. I closed it with plastic and duct tape so the steam from the bathroom wouldn't infiltrate my walk-in closet and ruin my precious designer clothes. I never thought twice about it for nearly two years… until a day that will forever hold a special place in my heart.
It was a Tuesday afternoon and I was busy reorganizing my clothes. Cheerios practice had been cancelled because Coach Sylvester had to go to the doctor for her monthly male hormone injection, so I was home early. As I was wondering what the best hiding place for my corset would be so my dad would never find it, I heard some noise coming from my room. More precisely, I heard someone run down the stairs, then a loud thud and the bathroom door slam shut. It didn't take a genius to understand that Finn was back from football practice. My book bag was next to me in the closet, and the stereo was off. He couldn't know I was home.
I didn't even really think from that point; it was all sheer instinct. I knelt down in front of the hole, and ever so carefully unstuck a corner of the duct tape. My heart was beating so fast I could feel the blood pulsing in my ears. Slowly, I lowered my head and peeked through the exposed corner of the hole, praying to God that Finn wasn't taking a dump.
He was standing in the bathroom, his face glistening with sweat. He took a clean towel from the rack, and then took off his sweat-stained t-shirt. I slightly gasped in awe as I saw his divinely chiseled torso for the very first time. As surprising as it may sound, I had never seen Finn without a shirt on. Ever. Not even during the short time that I was in the football team. Coach Tanaka had me use the Cheerios showers, so the players wouldn't feel uncomfortable being naked in front of a gay guy. Even though I knew that decision was motivated by bigotry, I didn't complain. In fact, I was more than happy to escape the filthy, testosterone-filled atmosphere of the locker room. The only disappointment had been that I wouldn't catch a glimpse of Finn's body.
He stretched his arms in the air, slowly, as if on purpose, allowing me to admire his large smooth chest, his musky armpits, his ripped stomach. I bit my lower lip; I had never seen anything so alluring, so erotic. My skinny jeans suddenly felt way too tight.
He then unbuttoned his dirty jeans and took them off. I couldn't take my eyes off his muscular thighs, his hairy calves and, as Finn removed his socks, his breath-taking bulging biceps. It was so surreal. I knew what was coming next, and I knew it was wrong of me to spy on him like that, but it was just too good. I was way past the point of no return. I was mindlessly rubbing my groin with my hand while the other was scratching the raw plasterboard wall.
He grabbed the elastic waistband of his Fruit of the Loom boxers, and lowered them. I was in such a state of arousal that this simple movement appeared to me as a slow succession of tiny details: his well-developed lower abs, his short dark pubic hair, and finally, finally…
All the Single Ladies! All the Single Ladies! Now put your hands UP! Oh oh oh…
My goddamned cell phone rang at that precise moment! Even though the muffled sound wasn't enough to make him panic, it WAS enough, unfortunately, to make Finn pull his underwear back up and look around, a "what the hell" look on his face. I was absolutely mortified, and as I checked the caller ID, I mentally cursed the day my dear sweet best friend Mercedes Jones was born.
I never spied on Finn in the bathroom ever again. What the poor oblivious boy doesn't know, however, is that he's been the recurring star of my wet dreams ever since. And just for that, it was all totally worth it.