Just Another Idiot
Disclaimer:
Most of the characters and settings belong to dear J.K, but the storyline is drawn heavily from personal experiences. But don't let that deter you. I promise it won't be boring :)
Warning:
This is a little different…
Summary:
Towards the end of fifth year, Lily finds a broken James crying alone in a rarely used corridor and discovers that they might not be so different after all. So begins a tumultuous relationship formed over the summer through the correspondence of letters. But Lily soon loses the ability to remain objective and falls for the now insecure and fragile James. Blinded by his own pain, James cannot see Lily as more than a confidante and willing shoulder but is dependant on her for support, as she is with him. One night, after a particularly emotionally scarring experience, Lily confesses her feelings for him and James reciprocates, only to tear her heart apart days later. Lily is hurt and confused and determined to find out the truth about his feelings for her. But will his still unbreakable pride ruin everything?
Prologue:
Hey Lily,
How are you? I'm tired and pretty miserable. Quidditch has been keeping me occupied and so have Sirius' dramatics.
I'm glad we got Remus and Adella together, they're a good match.
Lily. I don't think things between us are going to work out.
For a few weeks now I've been thinking more and more about you. Then you told me you liked me and I was really happy. Now I can't see us as being more that friends. But "more than friends" is the wrong way to say it because I don't think our friendship could be "more". You're the only person I can trust absolutely.
I know you don't like it, but I am sorry, because I became confused and that confused you and that was unfair..
The thing is, I've realised that it's not a matter of trying harder or being different. This isn't like a play. It's not like we're going to rehearse it til everything goes smoothly.
I don't know. I've just fucked up by feeling one thing strongly and telling you before I was sure. And now I am uncertain about what I feel except I know that a transition is just…I don't think it will work out.
Friday afternoon was just a bad day and it's not my body of proof or anything. I'm basing this on my thinking a lot about it and deciding that you are my friend, at least I hope you are.
When you told me you liked me I just acted really foolishly and thought I liked you without really considering it. For a couple of weeks I thought I was just denying what I felt. Then when the thing actually became real, I realised that you were my friend and that trying harder wouldn't produce anything because deep down that's not what I feel.
And now I have become another one of those idiots in your life. And I am sorry, but I can't change it.
I really want to catch up with you soon, but I know you might not want to see me for a while.
I'm sorry Lily.
James
Lily took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, but it became shuddery and gasping as the emotion of the situation overtook her. As the first warm teardrop made it's way slowly down her pale cheek, she slid a piece of lined paper from the tray on her desktop and reached for a biro. Dear James, she managed to write, her hand shaking slightly, but her neat handwriting still confident. The dismal teardrop made its way to the bottom of her chin and fell with a faint plop onto the page, smudging her carefully written words. Unable to continue, she sighed deeply and sorrowfully, scrunched up the paper and flung it weakly out of the window.
Miles away, James Potter lay awake, staring at the blank ceiling with his eyes glazed over, listening to his best friend snoring peacefully in the next room.