Rules to Living at Hellsing Manor

Chapter One

Character Dialogue Key- Hela, Assiah, A- Alucard, S- Seras, AA- Alexander Anderson.

Rule 1- No watching The Conjuring with Alucard. This, should be -I think- Of course you do… Shut up! Anyway, I think this one should be obvious. With the whole hide and clap scene, Alucard now likes to go around, sneak up on even Veteran soldiers, and *Clap, Clap*. Yeah… too many men have shot at Alucard and put a hole in a wall, floor, picture frame, the picture, doors, windows, and I almost lost the First Edition Copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula! I thought that Integra was going to kill me! Wait; do you mean the First Edition that has Bram's signature? …Yeah. Back to the subject, Integra has actually banned us from watching the movie in general, because if we watch it, Alucard will find out, and he will phase through walls and ceilings to watch with us. If you don't believe us, Integra and Alucard will tell you/admit to it. It's pretty awesome actually. Even though we can't tell anybody at school that we watch horror movies with Actual Snark-Lord DRACULA, it is nice to have a secret like that…

Rule 2- Do NOT let Seras watch Sinister, or Sinister 2. Long story short- Too late. She has really improved in the past few months on her stealth skills. We didn't even know she was in the room with us… When Alexander Anderson walked by us, with her trailing in our shadows, she BEGGED HIM to "Fort Knox" our walls with Holy Barriers so Buhghuul couldn't get in. And he did, too. Alucard was pretty pissed that he couldn't come in our room at night for two weeks, and couldn't figure out why. After he figured it out, he stayed awake for almost thirty hours before he body-snatched us and locked us in his room. He said that, "If Buhghuul wants you, he can damn well TRY. I will rip him to pieces". Lemme unnecessarily abridge this for you- we are under the wing of a very protective Vampire King. And verrrrryyyy possessive and cuddly. Don't tell him I said that last one. Last one; what? Damn straight.

Rule 3- No Rough-housing. Remember that one time- Where we fought on the third-floor corridor… on the right hand side? Yep. What about it? Integra never had that hole in the wall fixed. WHAT?! Nope. She put a painting over it. Why… didn't she get the hole fixed? Why do you think? A- Yes, why do you think? *Rotflmao* You are of no help to me. A- The hole wasn't fixed because of what else occurred in the hallway at that time. Remember that I almost punched you in the face, but missed? Did you punch Pip? A- *mumbles*.Wha…? *Whispers* I decked Alucard, who was hiding in the wall, watching us. Punched right through and broke his nose really good. So, that's why you're his new best friend, and taught you how to shoot a gun, amongst other things? Shh.

Rule 4- Don't tell Integra what Alucard has taught us. How long is that list? . S- How long is what list? Gah! The list of things we've been taught while here. By Alucard. Naturally. S- Ah. I won't tell a soul. Thank God! You're welcome. AA- Hela! This is why- *looks over to find Hela missing*. *Sighs*. She's probably gone to get Alucard. Number One Thing Alucard Taught Us- When Judas Priest comes a'knockin', get Alucard, and a sword.

Things That Alucard Has Taught Us- Hela and Assiah

When Judas Priest comes a'knockin', get Alucard, and a sword.

Many different threats in: Russian, Romanian, Turkish, Welsh, Arabic, Greek, Swedish, German, Portuguese, and French.

Languages: Russian, Romanian, Turkish, Welsh, Arabic, Greek, Swedish, German, Portuguese, and French.

Ways to SUBTLEY threaten someone/s: Many.

Ways to OUT RIGHT threaten someone/s: Many.

How to Shoot a Gun (and NOT a Glock).

How to Shoot a Bow.

How to Wield a Sword.

How to Throw a Sword.

How to Wield a Spear, a Javelin, and a Double-Bladed Sword-Staff.

How to Throw a Spear, a Javelin, and a Double-Bladed Sword-Staff.

Rule 5- Don't make treats involving a Certain Vampire King. At School. I am not apologizing. I never said you had to. Integra did. Oh. Duh. What did you actually do? I threatened a Turkish boy in a mix of angry Turkish and Romanian. But, what did you- I'm not telling you. Alucard knows, doesn't he? Yes. And he is quite proud about it, too. Oh sugar honey ice tea… *evil Alucard-like Snark-Lord-in-Training / Cheshire Grin*

Rule 6- Don't tell the Wild Geese we know French. Therefore, this is redundant. Because with seeing this, the Wild Geese will now know we can speak French. There goes our eavesdropping for Alucard. Did we actually have to do that? Our Sith-Lord Master of Badassery had to know how well we had actually learned from him. Oh, geez. Did he not lock us in his closet with a flashlight to make sure we could assemble a gun in the dark and shoot our way out? -*interrupted before she can begin*- It is the same concept with different details.

Rule 7- Hela and Assiah: When Alucard tells you, to, "Come Here", he's not joking. He does actually want you to, "Come Here". -Integra.

Rule 8- Integra: We have acknowledged your message through Ruling. We reject your reality, and replace it with our own. -Hela & Assiah.

Actual, Rule 7- When Assiah, Hela, and Alucard are smiling, -HAUL ASS!

Actual, Rule 8- In Par with Actual, Rule 7: If Assiah, Hela, and Alucard are laughing, -HAUL ASS, IDIOT!

Rule 9- Assiah and Hela have "Xbox Hours". Don't tamper with them during these 180 minutes. You will die. And not peacefully. We will sic Alucard on your ass, and he will psychologically torture your weak little mind until you want to quit, get a therapist, and be committed. So, don't. try. It.

Rule 10- No one inside Hellsing Manor may mention Assiah and Hela outside of Hellsing property. Not even Integra has told the Round Table Knights of our existence. She went straight to the Queen with us. We met her. She is very charming. We like her. A lot. So don't threaten her. We will be on your ass like white on rice on snow in ant-*******-artica. Alucard won't have any time to rip you a new one for "threatening his Betty", because we will already have been there, and done that. *THE Smile; mentioned in Rule 5*.

Rule 11- Assiah and Hela might only be eleven, and girls, but that does not mean they are stupid. We attend Hogwarts, m'kay? You know, the school of MAGICK. Yes, Assiah. Now can you stop ringing bells in my ears? Oh, sorry. You know, sometimes I think you forget.

Rule 12- After a very shocking revelation, absolutely NO-ONE is allowed to know that Assiah and Hela are Alucard's biological daughters. Your ass will be grass. I'm a bad influence on you. You are the younger one. By seven minutes! No one cares. Mum does. …You… *sighs* -you have a point. I know. Arse. I know. Sigh.

AN- Fanfiction can be difficult. I had to -very painstakingly for my wrist- re-underline ALL of Assiah's lines. Anyway, this will try to go along with my legit Harry Potter/Hellsing Crossover. I'm only posting this as a Hellsing Fanfiction, as this is all Hellsing. There will be VERY brief mentions of Hogwarts. See Rules 11, and 12. There will be twelve rules a chapter, though with this one, you get fourteen -technically, seeing the whole rule 7 and 8 business. While my "Legitimate Lovechild", as I have called it, will be more serious, there will still be elements of humour. However, this is where all the cracky-ness lies.

Always Yours, Now and Forevermore,

Loki Rahu Black