It Ain't Pretty
A/N: Just a little ditty that has been on my mind. There'll probably be a few of these for a while. Let me know what you guys think. I'll be back on My December soon enough, though. And as always, this is dedicated to my lovely beta, nimthriel. Life hasn't been too nice to either one of us lately
Summary: "Hurt comes in many forms. As the rain falls, I pray for once that this form can be healed."
Setting: AU Late night in Manhattan, New York outside of Castiel's apartment.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
~D*C~
Castiel's POV
He's looking at me as if the world just ended, and I can't help but feel that it just might have. The rain is coming down kind of heavy now, but I don't feel it. If I'm honest, I don't think he does, either.
I want so badly to just apologize and pull him close, kissing those trembling lips with everything in me like my life depends on it. We shouldn't be here like this, shattering our own hearts. Neither of us says a word, so many having already been said. There were things tossed around that shouldn't have been, but you can't really change that past, can you.
He sharply turns his head to the side as the ghost of a sob escapes him lips. If I wasn't sure he was crying earlier, I'm more than certain now as he stubbornly tries to wipe away the offending streams mixing in with the trails of downpour.
Everything in me screams for me to stop him as he slides into the cab when it pulls up. Anxious energy courses through my veins as he looks at me one last time before closing the door. I stand there for a while after he's gone. It just doesn't want to register that he's really gone…that he's completely and utterly gone.
It was on this very curb that I first kissed him. He followed me all the way here from Lawrence, Kansas. Dean Winchester is nothing if not a man of action, after all.
I numbly turn around and make my way back inside. Once I close the door, I lean back against it and slide down, finally letting the tears come. A loud sob rips from my throat, echoing into the emptiness of my now lonely apartment. Dean was the heart and soul of this place. He was what made it home.
The pain is unbearable now, the weight of the situation officially settling in. The man who gave up everything for love is gone now, and it's my own damn fault. This hurt…fuck it hurts.
Hurt comes in many forms. As the rain falls, I pray for once that this form can be healed.
~D*C~
When I awake the next morning, the hurt is still there.
I cautiously roll over…and almost die. Tears immediately spring to my eyes as my electric blue find solace in evergreen once again. My hands tremble as they reach out to cup his face, the rough texture of his tan skin exciting my senses as it does every time that I've touched this man. His bittersweet smile makes my heart lurch painfully. I never wanted to hurt him. Ever.
A lone tear trails down his face as he stares at me intensely. I wipe it away slowly as I shift myself closer to him. Soon enough, we're just a breadth apart. I close my eyes as I breathe in his scent. I realize now that this man is the very reason that I breathe nowadays. He's my entire world, in all honesty. Whenever I think of happiness, I think of him. Dean brought so much light into my life, but he never knew it. I never took the time to tell him.
It all started with a silly little napkin.
I was down visiting my sister, Anna. We went to eat at some local diner, and it was there that we met. He was our waiter, and I'd be lying if I said he wasn't the most beautiful, honest creature I'd ever met. He was a little brusque, but not rudely so. He kept coming over and talking to us throughout our meal, chatting about random things. For the first time in my life, I had found myself sharing bits and pieces of my life with someone other than my family. It was…nice.
After we had paid, I decided to be bold and leave my information on a napkin. I didn't think much of it at the time, though. Hell, by the time I had made it back to New York, I had completely forgotten about it. So, imagine my surprise when about a month later, I get a knock at my door. I was floored when I saw him on the other side.
The rest is, as they say, history, I guess.
When I open my eyes, I want to die all over again. There is no Dean, just empty space and the memory of him being there. I curl myself into a ball and pour my entire being into broken sobs. I know that I can't possibly go on like this.
Yesterday, he had come over so happy. In true Dean fashion, he had made up his mind on something and wasn't about to be dissuaded by anyone. When he dropped down to one knee, I knew that this was it. It had all led to this moment, and I was about to fuck it up.
You see, I had a great job and an even greater group of friends. I loved my place, and loved my family even more. I was absolutely settled into my life.
When Dean had breezed in, I had simply assimilated him into my daily routine. Not once did I ever stop to really look at the situation until now. Dean had quit his job and left all of his friends and family for me. Sure, he had gotten one here rather quickly, but he didn't love it. It was simply a means to an end, which was my happiness. He never really got on with my friends. Hell, they more often than not took jabs at him. Even though he would be mad as hell, he'd let it go because he knew they were my friends.
At the time, it had all seemed so fucking perfect, but now I see our life for what it was. What I see…well…it ain't pretty.
When he dropped to that knee and asked me to marry him, I should have said yes. After all of the miserable days he spent at that god-forsaken job, for all of the hours he spent being belittled by people he didn't even know, I should have said yes, hell the fuck yes! He spent an entire year and a half of his life dealing with bullshit for me, and I couldn't give him the one thing he wanted…no…needed most from me.
I said no.
He had sat there for a minute, staring at me in disbelief. I just turned around and walked to the refrigerator, pulling out a couple of beers before settling at the bar. He stood after a while, looking at me with no expression at all. I decided to explain to him why it was foolish to consider such a thing as marriage right now. Thinking back on it now, there was absolutely no reason for me not to have said yes.
He had fought, though. Oh, did he fight. He had an answer for every reason I had given him and then some. He'd even asked me to reconsider, but I just couldn't. I loved him, but saw no reason to change things. I was content with my life, unlike Dean. He was happy, but was never one to do content. Dean was one who took happy by the horns, and turned it into something so much more.
Whenever he did things for me, he always did things spontaneously and largely. We didn't have moments. No. We made memories. Why the hell couldn't I just open my eyes and see what I had right in front of me. I really put him through some shit, and I fear that it might be too late to fix it.
I sit up in bed, deciding that instead of wasting any more time crying, I'm going to fix things with him. I've got to make this right, and fast. If I lose Dean, I know that I'll never recover.
I just hope that he'll let me fix this.
~D*C~
It's been three weeks, and no sign of Dean. I really shouldn't be surprised. He blew into my life, so it shouldn't be that difficult to blow out of it.
I've been all over both New York and Kansas, and no luck. I finally met his brother, Sam. He didn't look too pleased to see me, but I kind of expected that. He hadn't seen nor spoken to Dean since the day before he proposed. He told me just how happy Dean was with me. Even though our life wasn't perfect, he was truly happy. He had told Sam that I was the one thing that had gone right in his life. Once again, I had ended up crying over Dean, but at least I had someone to cry with, for once. That was two weeks ago.
I've since returned home.
I promised Sam that I'd keep looking, and he promised me that he'd let me know the moment he heard anything. A part of me knew that he was lying, but it was still nice to hear him say as much.
Anything that could make this pain subside was welcome.
~D*C~
The sound of someone abusing my poor doorbell pulls me from the comfort of my bed.
It's been a year, and a lot has changed.
I quit my job and moved to Lawrence. I did make it a point, however, to let my 'friends' have it before I left.
Sam has been a distant yet soothing presence in my life. We aren't besties. Hell, if we talk more than once in a month, it's a good thing. Even so, he has helped me adjust to life here. He randomly appears to drop off lunch or dinner or what have you, and I'm very thankful for it. He never stays to talk or whatever, but still. It's nice.
I slowly make my way to the door, ready to kill whoever's on the other side. I know for sure it's not Sam.
When I open the door, I find myself glaring at a rather impatient mailman. He rolls his eyes as he shoves the clipboard in my face to sign. I do so quickly, making sure to purposefully snatch the envelope out of his hand before slamming my door in his face. Asshat.
I slowly make my way over to the couch as I stare curiously at the article in my grasp. It's a little worse for wear, having probably been shipped around a bit with my moving and all that jazz. I open it cautiously, afraid of what I'll find inside.
A lone tear escapes my eye as I hold it in my hand.
Resting in my palm is the very napkin that I had left that fateful day at the diner.
I know that I should feel sad and depressed or whatever, but I don't. Instead, I feel…happiness. There's nothing on it but the message that I had originally wrote, but I'm not surprised. Dean was never the one to have those 'Hallmark moments.' There will be no secret messages or grand reunions. No. This is it. Even so, I wouldn't have it any other way. He gave me one last gift…
Closure.
It ain't pretty…but it's life. This is what happens when a heart breaks.
~D*C~
Okay, please don't beat me. I was just in one of those moods, and this is what came to be. Blame it on Lady Antebellum. Anywho, review! Feedback keeps me going!