TITLE: Intervention is Heck
AUTHOR: Michael J. Gallagher/MikeJaffa/MikeJoe
SUBJECT: Beka finds out the hard way how badly Harper has spoiled Andromeda over the years. Originally posted on Exisle
SETTING S5 around the time of "What Will Be Was Not"
DISCLAIMER: I own neither ANDROMEDA nor its characters and am making money off this
WARNING: My silly muse is on another rampage. Put down the food and beverage while you read this.

Harper smiled as he took a rag and wiped the control panel in the *Andromeda Ascendant's* slipstream core. For the first time in the three years since he'd arrived in the Seefra system, he felt like his old self.

"There you are, my pretty little starship," he said, relishing the moment. "I, Seamus Zelazny Harper, your engineer and resident genius, pronounce you in possession of a fully functional slipstream drive."

Andromeda's hologram appeared next to Harper, evidently pleased even if she wasn't smiling as broadly. "It is gratifying to have a fully functional propulsion system again, although I'm constrained to point out that unless we can find a slipstream portal, my slipstream drive is useless."

"Don't remind me," Harper groaned, "but hey, Dylan's like God, right? So sooner or later, he'll probably find you a way out of here."

Andromeda frowned a little. "You mean 'us,' right?"

"Uh …"

"Harper …." Andromeda's voice almost shook a tiny bit. "Look, this isn't quite like me, to admit something like this, but the fact is that I've missed you. ALL of you. I'm not sure how long I was stranded in the Seefra system before I was found again, but being without my crew was….unpleasant. I don't ….. I hope that when we find a way out of Seefra, I won't be separated from you again."

Harper smiled. "Hey, don't worry about it, baby," he said reassuringly. "Of course you're not leaving without me. Who's going to keep you running? And I've stuck with you so far since we found you again, right?"

Andromeda smiled a little. "Yes, Harper, you have."

"Then don't worry about it, Andromeda. There's no way my favoritest starship is leaving Seefra without her certified genius engineer. So put that thought out of your pretty little processor."

"All right, Harper, I will. And thank-"

"'Pretty little processor'?" Beka Valentine said incredulously as she entered the room with Dylan. "I heard you down the hall. "'Baby'? 'Prettiest starship'? What next, 'snookums'?"

Harper nit his eyebrows together. "What's wrong with 'snookums'?"

"Aaaarrrhhhh!" Beka cried, grabbing her hair and stomping around. Then she turned back to Harper. "Ok. That's it. That's enough. This ends NOW. Harper, I can not believe you have backslid so far. Whatever else you did in the three years you were here, at least you stood on your own two feet. That's right. That's what we all have to do, really. SOMEBODY got us away from that, and we have to get back to it, and fawning over Andromeda isn't the way to do it. Whatever is waiting for us back in our Universe, if we ever get back there, we have to face it on our own two feet, and not rely on Captain Wonderful and his Super Ship!"

"Um…." Dylan "Captain Wonderful" Hunt tried to interject, "you do know I'm in the-"

"And do you honestly think you're doing Andromeda any good?" Beka ranted on, apparently not aware that Dylan was in the room. "She's a warship for crying out loud. That means she's a fighter, a scraper. If we want to get her back on her metaphorical feet, coddling her and talking baby talk to her isn't going to do it, not unless you want to produce the multiverse's biggest spoiled brat!"

Dylan saw where this was going and got a very uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. "Uh…" he said, "are you sure - I mean, Beka, is it really wise to-"

"Well, there's nothing else for it," Beka said. "Andromeda! Am I still on record as your first officer?"

"Yes," the hologram said a little petulantly.

"Then in my capacity as your fist officer - and Harper's captain long before we rescued from the black hole-I am banning Harper from your decks for a week."

"WHAT!?" Harper and Andromeda yelped. Dylan looked around, rubbing his face and wondering why there couldn't be a Magog attack when you needed one.

"Beka-" Harper stammered, "that's not-I mean-"

"Beka," Andromeda said, "I must protest this-"

"No arguments from either one of ya!" Beka shouted. "This is for your own good. You'll thank me later." Then she remembered Dylan existed. "Unless O Captain My Captain is going to override my order."

"Uhhhhh…." Dylan squirmed the squirm one squirms in God's little acre, east of the rock and west of the hard place. "Well, uh, you have raised some important issues, yes, you have. But do you really think such draconian measures are necessary? Uh, Harper's done for the day, right, Mr. Harper?"

"Well," Harper said, "I got the big stuff done, sure, but I still have to-"

"But nothing urgent, right?"

"No, not really."

Dylan hoped the expression he put on his face looked like a smile. "Well, then I don't see a problem. You and Harper can leave and go back to Seefra One. Then tomorrow, we can meet at Harper's bar and ….discuss your concerns in a civilized matter. And if …..some procedures have to be changed, we can do that then. Ok?"

Arms folded, Beka regarded Dylan through narrowed eyes. But she relented. A little. "All right. Andromeda, I rescind my previous order provided Harper leaves with me on the *Maru* NOW. Seamus? Meter's running." Andromeda's hologram vanished as Beka left the room. Dylan crossed to the control panel and leaned on it, letting out the breath he'd been holding.

"Gee…." Harper said. "Thanks Dylan. I don't think I ….I mean, a week-?"

"Don't thank me yet, Mr. Harper. We still have to sort this out, and Beka's not going to make it easy in that mood. I just bought some time. Now you'd better get going."

Harper smiled. "Thanks, Dylan. 'Bye Andromeda; see ya, Babe!" He blew the room a kiss, then turned and left.

"Upload completed," Andromeda's voice said.

Dylan straightened up as that feeling in his stomach came back. "'Upload'? Andromeda, what did you upload, and to where?"

A monitor lit up. Dylan read it. Then groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's never easy, and Andromeda, for the record, this isn't helping."

….THE NEXT DAY AT HARPER'S BAR…

Dylan turned on his bar stool at the sound of the bar's door opening and rested his chin on one hand as he watched, almost detached, as Beka marched into the room. For her part, Beka strode with purpose and outrage driving her, her glare, worthy of any Nietzschean Alpha, threatening death and/or dismemberment to anyone who looked at her funny in even the smallest way. Most of the patrons were smart enough to look away, but they had to struggle mightily to suppress their giggles. Understandable since Beka's hair had poofed out into an iridescent multi-colored afro.

Two of the bar's patrons couldn't resist the temptation to tease the ticked off freighter captain. "Oh, Beka," Trance called from a table where she was sitting with Doyle, "I love your hair! Who did it for you?"

"Yes," Doyle said, "is that the new style? I'll have to have Harper program it into me."

Beka spared them a growl but otherwise ignored them. Dylan almost looked bored as Beka stomped over to him and put one finger in his face, her jaw working as if she was about to say something.

"I tried to warn you," Dylan said, "but you didn't listen. And you'll be pleased to know that Andromeda has given her word that the virus she loaded into your hair's nanobots will delete itself 'in due course.'"

Beka glared at Dylan for a few more seconds. Then she reached up, grabbed her pointing hand and forced it down to her side. Then she reached up and pushed her own jaw shut.

Then she straightened up and managed to compose herself. A LITTLE.

"Things are worse than I thought," she said. "I'll have to think about how to handle the intervention. In the mean time, you can tell Andromeda from me that she's despicable."

"Um, yes, Beka, I'll remember to do that."

Beka spun on her heel and headed for the door. Rhade was unlucky enough to enter just as she got to the entrance.

"Hi, Beka!" the big Nietzschean said. "How're you doing? There's something different about you. Is that a new scarf?"

Beka sent Rhade sprawling with one shove and left.

Rhade sat up. "Owwww! What a time to be on the wagon. I wouldn't have felt this if I wasn't sober. Ouch!"

Dylan turned back to the shot in front of him. "And they said I was crazy to reform the Commonwealth?" He downed his drink. "This proves it - the three of me were the sanest ones on that tub. And days like this, I'm not so sure about the tub."

THE END