The Swan Mills family are spending an ordinary, after-dinner evening together. This weekend, Henry is visiting from university and has offered to do the last bit of cleaning up in the kitchen. Emma is on the couch in the living room, surfing on her iPad. Regina sits in her favorite armchair, reading work files and taking notes. Their twins, Audrey and Sophie, sit on either side of the coffee table with color markers and pencils littered across the table top.
SOPHIE: (to Regina) Mommy, what is love?
EMMA: (interrupts, still reading from her tablet) Love is when you sacrifice yourself, over and over, so that the love of your life can continue eating kale salads and teasing your parents. (smiles at Regina)
REGINA: (snorts at her wife and addresses her youngest) Love, sweetheart, is traveling to different realms to let your biggest nuisance and other-half-of-your-heart know that if they're ever lost, you will always find them. (smirks at Emma)
EMMA: Nuisance my a- (remembers her daughters, Regina give a reprimanding look)... apple.
The Twins look a little confused.
HENRY: (shouts from the kitchen doorway) Love is when you spend six long years stupid for each other and never admitting it until one of you nearly dies and the other is all, "Wah-Wah, I love you. Don't leave me."
REGINA: (wide eyed at the doorway while the twins giggle and Emma raises an eyebrow) You're grounded.
EMMA: Yeeeeah… I don't remember it going quite like that.
HENRY: (enters and shrugs at Regina) I'm 20, you can't ground me.
REGINA: Oh yeah? Well, you thought I couldn't get you to shave your beard off too but look at you now!
EMMA: (smiles and teases) Face as smooth as a baby's bottom!
AUDREY: Good thing it doesn't smell like a baby's bottom. (snickers behind her hand)
SOPHIE: Yeah. (laughs out loud)
HENRY: (grumbles) I'm growing it back.
SOPHIE: (laughs) Yay! I like your beard. It tickles.
AUDREY: That's why Paige doesn't like it. She said so.
HENRY: (crosses arms in disbelief) No, she didn't.
AUDREY: Yes, she did! She likes your cheeks better without it.
REGINA: I always knew I liked that girl.
HENRY: She told you this?
Audrey and Sophie look a little guilty.
AUDREY: Um, not exactly.
REGINA: (Suspiciously) How… "not exactly"?
Audrey's brow drops heavily into a very Regina like thinking-stare. Sophie realizes that she has to be the one to bravely confess. If they tell the truth, the moms are less mad.
SOPHIE: We were sitting near their table at Aunt Ruby's birthday party.
EMMA: (dramatic sigh) What have we told you two about eavesdropping?
THE TWINS: (duck heads) That it's not good.
SOPHIE: But this was not really eavesdropping, Moms. We were sitting where we were sitting first! We can't help it if they didn't see us, sat down and started talking loud.
REGINA: Loudly.
AUDREY: Truth, moms, honest!
SOPHIE: Besides, no one ever tells us anything. It's good to know stuff, right? I mean, especially if they're talking about our brother.
HENRY: (interested) Oh yeah? Did Paige say anything else about me?
REGINA: Henry, don't encourage them.
'
HENRY: I'm not. But now that it's out there…
AUDREY: Paige thinks you're cute.
EMMA: Okay, that's enough.
HENRY: Ma!
EMMA: Kid… these are Paige's thoughts that are not for you, otherwise she would have said something to you. Has she told you you're cute?
HENRY: Well… no. But I'm curious now if she likes me.
EMMA: Well, don't worry. If she likes you, she'll tell you when the time is right. I mean, how could she not like you and tell you you're cute. You come from my womb. We are totally and irrevocably adorable.
REGINA: Hah! (shakes her head while scribbling on her pad)
HENRY: (long pause, gives Sophie a nod when the mom's aren't looking) Sooo… (words come out quickly) What else did you hear?
REGINA: Henry!
EMMA: (snorts and shakes her head) Yep… you're mine alright.
SOPHIE: We heard Nick telling Ava and Paige that your beard made you look like you had a… (looks at her older twin)... what wazzat?
AUDREY: A vajayjay!
Regina's expression is incredulous and Emma lays her iPad on her lap to eye her twins. Henry shakes his head trying not to laugh.
SOPHIE: Yeah, like you had a vajayjay on your face!
Silence. Regina gives Henry a dirty look.
HENRY: (moves mouth quietly) What?! it wasn't me!
EMMA: (counts off on her fingers) 3-2-1…
AUDREY: Moms, what's a vajayjay?
SOPHIE: Aud, don't you know? (happily chants) I know something you don't know. I know something you don't know!
HENRY: (teasing laugh) Oh yeah? What is it then, Einstein? (Regina gives him another dirty look for furthering the discussion)
SOPHIE: It's a bird. Duh!
Regina gives a long sigh.
EMMA: (pensively looking at Sophie) Hmmm…
Another pause.
AUDREY: (to Emma and Regina) What kind of bird? Does it fly?
Henry laughs.
SOPHIE: (to Emma excitedly) Can you eat it?
Henry laughs so hard he starts coughing.
Emma opens her mouth but no sound comes out so she closes it and looks at Regina.
AUDREY: (baffled) What's so funny, Henry?
Sophie has had enough of her brother laughing at her and she stands, pulls her sleeves up and charges at him with a rebel yell. What begins as a fight turns instantly into a laughing tickle fight.
EMMA: Hey, HEY! Watch your sister's head.
REGINA: (sees Sophie's head nearly hit the door jamb) Henry!
HENRY: (wriggling with Sophie on the carpet) I'm trying! She's stronger than she looks and her wrestling skills have gotten better.
SOPHIE: (sits up out of breath) Why do we have to stop?
AUDREY: (sounds like Regina) Because Mommy's children do not roll around on the floor like hooligans.
REGINA: (pushes her thin black rimmed glasses up, smiles and writes on her notepad) That is exactly right.
SOPHIE: (dawns a very defiant Emma Swan expression) But Ma's kids do! HIIII-YAH! (karate yell and jumps on her brother)
EMMA: (absently, scrolling on her tablet) Damn straight.
After a few minutes, things calm down. Regina is working. Emma is reading on the tablet. Audrey is coloring with her color pencils at the table, across from her twin's abandoned artwork. Henry and Sophie are lying on their backs on the floor, Sophie's head upon his shoulder, looking at stuff on Henry's phone.
AUDREY: (stops coloring, thinks for a second) But… what kind of bird is a…
EMMA: Who wants milk and cookies? (sets tablet on the sofa and stands)
Sophie excitedly, on her knees, raises her hand up high and Henry, to slightly annoy her, kneels up, copies her and moves a little in front of her with his hand high in the air. She shoves him aside and smiles and raises her hand again. Audrey raises hers too, her question forgotten.
EMMA: To the kitchen, monsters!
Henry picks Sophie up and hangs her over his shoulder. He holds his hand out to Audrey who smiles widely as she takes it. Together they all leave the room not really noticing that their moms have stayed behind.
REGINA: (stands and grins with a crooked eyebrow) Cookies, huh?
EMMA: If in doubt, always go with cookies.
Regina chuckles and slips her arms about her wife's slender waist.
REGINA: We should face this thing head on. Be honest.
EMMA: I panicked. You're an old pro at this. Before our son happened upon my doorstep, the only experience I've had with kids is hoarding my food and escaping wedgies and wet-willies in foster care.
REGINA: Aww, my poor baby.
EMMA: (smiles and accepts Regina's kiss and jokes) It was war everyday. (more kissing) Besides, do you want to have this dialogue with the girls and explain why their brothers bearded face resembled a vag-oosh?
REGINA: (half suppressed laugh) I don't think I like that slang word any better.
EMMA: One of my foster mothers had called it my china. You know, like fine china. (speaks with nasally voice) "Emma, don't forget to wash your china!" I was 7. I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.
REGINA: Why did she call it that?
EMMA: Because, like fine china, you don't take it out for just anyone.
REGINA: (laughs) Oh dear.
EMMA: What did Cora call it?
REGINA: (tries to remember and then she smiles when she does) She called it my Nether Kingdom.
EMMA: Wow, she really was obsessed with royalty.
REGINA: No kidding.
EMMA: Well, you won this Princess' heart.
REGINA: And you won this Queen's heart.
EMMA: And I conquered her Nether Kingdom.
REGINA: That, you did. (smiles) Over… (kisses Emma's left cheek)... and over… (kisses Emma's right cheek)... and over (rubs their noses together) … again. (kisses Emma slowly and deeply)
They are kissing so intently, they don't hear Henry walk in with the twins hot on his heels.
HENRY: Hey Moms, where's… (sees them kissing)... OH COME ON! (jokingly makes a fuss while the girls giggle into their hands) You guys have a room for that.
AUDREY: You should see when Grandma catches them like that.
SOPHIE: Grandpa says she goes from being Snow White to Snow Red.
REGINA: Yes, your grandfather, (rolls eyes) always the jokester.
SOPHIE: (excitedly) Henry! The other night, Grandpa put whoopie-cushions on our seats at the dinner table!
AUDREY: I knew it was there so I didn't sit. (proudly) I figured it out.
EMMA: Well, you shoulda told me. I'm your ma. You can't do me like that.
AUDREY: I couldn't ruin his joke!
SOPHIE: (giggles and says to Henry behind a secretive hand) The moms sat on it.
HENRY: No! (looks at his moms) That's classic Grandpa 101.
SOPHIE: I knew it was there too. I just like the farting sound so I sat down even harder! (laughs and points to Regina) But Mommy's face was so funny!
AUDREY: (joins in laughing, then Henry a little) Yeah. Mommy was surprised!
REGINA: I knew it was there all along.
EMMA: Uh-huh. (Pointedly looks at twins, hiding her laughter) Sure you did.
HENRY: Anyway… (Chuckling and points to his sisters for emphasis) We are looking for the strawberry milk mix.
REGINA: Ah. We finished the one in the cabinet. There should be a new one in the pantry.
HENRY: You know… I never got strawberry milk when I was their age.
REGINA: (jokingly) Yes, I know. I was there.
HENRY: (imitates an Evil Queenish Regina) "Too much sugar. You'll rot your teeth. Too much preservatives. Too much additives. Have carrot sticks instead."
REGINA: (imitates Henry from earlier before she lovingly kisses his cheek) "Wah-wah."
AUDREY: I love carrot sticks! But I don't really like celery.
EMMA: Mmmmm… celery and peanut butter!
SOPHIE: Mmmmm… peanut butter!
REGINA: Ew… gross. (makes a face, begins to move away) I'll get the strawberry mix.
EMMA: (grabs her hand) Wait! One more.
Regina smiles and leans in for an exaggerated peck on the lips and Henry groans while his sisters giggle.
HENRY: I'll get the strawberry stuff. (Walks away but is smiling)
The twins rush forward rocking their moms off balance as they group hug and look up at them.
AUDREY: Can we watch a movie?
SOPHIE: The Good Dinosaur!
EMMA: Not again!
AUDREY: Can we watch Big Hero Six?
REGINA: How about we watch something educational?
EMMA AND THE TWINS: No!
HENRY: (shouts) Star Wars!
EMMA AND THE TWINS: YEAH!
REGINA: (faintly at the same time) No. (chuckles at her children's, and her wife's, excitement) Outnumbered again. Okay, Fine! We'll watch Star Wars for the millionth time.
THE TWINS: YAY!
AUDREY: (to Sophie before they run upstairs) Let's get our lightsabers!
The two moms are left alone in the room.
REGINA: Great. Lightsaber wars. I sense that I am losing a lamp tonight.
EMMA: Don't worry. I'll save our lamps. (makes a show of eyeing Regina up and down) And anything else that needs saving.
REGINA: (sarcastically) My hero.
EMMA: Hey, anything for the Nether Kingdom.
REGINA: (quips) I'm going to regret telling you that. (stops) Listen, we should definitely talk to the girls later though about, you know.
EMMA: Yeah. It's important. We'll talk to them later.
REGINA: Oh, but (yawns)… the thought of them learning even more slang words.
EMMA: (yawns back) It'll be fine. (chuckles) I'll get the movie set up.
REGINA: I'll pop some popcorn.
EMMA: Awesome. Hey, babe? (snags Regina's attention at the door) I love you.
REGINA: (opens her mouth, pauses and with a joking glint imitates Han Solo) I know.
EMMA: (snickers while straightening a sofa cushion and gathering her iPad) You're quoting Star Wars. I've never been more turned on.
Regina rolls her eyes with a smile and leaves.
The next day…
At Storybrooke Elementary Principal's office, where on a the door it reads "Snow White, Principal", Emma and Regina walk briskly into the office.
EMMA: Okay, what's going on, Mom? What's so important?
REGINA: Are the girls okay? They aren't sick?
SNOW: Relax, the girls are fine.
REGINA: Then, why are we here, Snow?
SNOW: I have something to show you.
Snow produces two pieces of white art paper with colorful dried paint. It's not so clear what the objects are until Regina and Emma are holding one each and comparing them. Each piece of art has a daughter's name at the bottom.
REGINA: What is it?
EMMA: They kind of look like… parrots.
SNOW: The girls painted these during art. They told me these are wild vajayjays, and that I should be careful not to try and touch one or it will "bite my finger off".
Both mothers' jaws drop and they are stunned speechless. Emma and Regina slowly look at each other.
EMMA AND REGINA: We forgot.
SNOW: See… I knew there was a story there. (chuckles)
EMMA: They brought it up over the weekend and we wanted to talk to them privately about it and... we messed up.
REGINA: We fell asleep during the movie.
SNOW: What movie? Is that where they learned it? What brought it up?
EMMA: (snorts) Henry's face.
SNOW: (astonished bafflement) I beg your pardon?
REGINA: They overheard it from Nick.
SNOW: (immediate understanding and a grin) Yep. That explains it.
EMMA: So are we going to have an angry mob of parents at our front door…
REGINA: Ugh. Been there, done that.
EMMA: … blaming us for their children coming home wanting (holds up Audrey's painting) purple finger-eating vajayjays as pets for Christmas?
REGINA: (horrified) Oh my God!
SNOW: Don't worry. As their principal, I called you to inform you, but as their grandmother, I felt I needed to at least correct things up front. They know what it is now.
REGINA: They do? (a bit thankful)
SNOW: (proudly) Yes. I told them it was their hoohoo.
Emma and Regina are silent and blinking.
REGINA: (slowly) And they know what you mean?
EMMA: (joking side-glance) I don't think I know what you mean.
SNOW: Hey, my mother called it my treasure. Granny calls it a bahookus.
EMMA: A what?
SNOW: (calmly) A bahookus. She has a flair for making words up.
REGINA: That sounds frightening.
SNOW: (Brightens and leans toward Emma) You want to know what your brother used to call his penis?
EMMA: (shakes head) No, not really.
SNOW: (charges forward) He called it his ding-ding. (affectionate laughter) How adorable is that?
REGINA: (peers at Snow under a heavy frown like the woman has grown another head, then at Emma) Are we done here?
SNOW: And when he was little, your father called his…
EMMA: (throws hands up) Yeah, stop right there.
At the moment the door bursts open and Audrey and Sophie come bounding in with their backpacks bringing about huge smiles from their mothers and grandmother.
AUDREY: Moms!
SOPHIE: (climbs up on Emma's lap) Hiya, moms. Hugo Benson ate glue today!
SNOW: He did what? (at both girls' emphatic nods, Snow to the moms) Excuse me.
REGINA: (after Snow disappears) You two ready to go?
SOPHIE: Yeah.
AUDREY: Mommy, why didn't you tell us that a vajajay is your private parts?
REGINA: We really should have, darling. We're sorry.
EMMA: Yeah, you guys, we're sorry. You two are growing up and learning new words all the time. You surprised me with that one.
SOPHIE: (nods with her sister) Grandma calls her "vagina" her hoohoo. (snickers)
AUDREY: That's kind of a dumb word.
REGINA: (strokes the back of her daughters hair) I love you. (Audrey smiles at her mommy)
EMMA: Yeah… let's not spread that around. What people call their private parts is their business.
SOPHIE: You know what Robyn calls it?
EMMA: (under her breath to Regina) Hmm… more information about our family I don't need to know.
SOPHIE: Aunt Z calls it The Snickers in your Knickers.
REGINA: I believe it.
EMMA: (jokingly) And just like that I am off Snickers bars forever. Everytime I eat one, I'll think of your sister.
REGINA: (snorts, then to the girls) Are we ready to go? I'm feeling the need to (looks at Emma) relax on my favorite park bench. You know, the one in front of the huge playground slide.
EMMA: (from the corner of her eye sees her daughter's excitement) Oh! That one. You know, you can't sit there and truly enjoy it without eating an ice cream cone.
Audrey and Sophie's become unhinged..
AUDREY: Can we, moms? Can we go?
SOPHIE: With ice cream?
Regina and Emma pretend to weigh the idea, smile and nod.
THE TWINS: WOOHOO! (head toward the door and run out into the hall.
REGINA: (to her wife who places a hand on her back, guiding her toward the door) You know everytime they say "Whoohoo" from now on, I'm afraid I'll hear "hoohoo".
EMMA: Oh Jesus. (shakes head) I'm serious. Knowing what your sister calls hers, she has ruined Snickers for me
REGINA: (lightly smacks Emma's tummy) You could do with less sugar.
EMMA: Ha-ha.
REGINA: (giggles, kisses Emma's cheek lovingly) Mm..but I love you.
EMMA: (imitates Han Solo as they slip through the door) I know.