Hey! This is my first fanfic for The Hunger Games. The premise is based on another story I read here but I can't remember the title. But I will find it and give the author credit asap. The story, however, will be different. This is Peeta's POV, and will mostly stay that way.
1.
There's an abnormal cadence to my breathing as I walk. It couldn't be different, since I'm intent on the number of breaths I'm allowing per minute. Otherwise I would be gasping as if I'd run for miles when I had only walked a few hundred yards. It's easier, however, to focus on my breath rather than being entirely aware of what I'm doing. I'm walking, I'm breathing, I'm not thinking about it.
I'm kidding myself. How could I not be thinking about it?
If I thought about what I was doing, I'd surely be running back home to safety and I couldn't afford to do that right now. I was running out of time. Sunday. Seven days from now and it was over. I'd been so cowardly for eighteen years that I had waited until there were only seven days left before I felt pressured enough to take action. And now, a week away from the inevitable, I was forced to ignore my dry mouth, sweaty palms and nervous pace. I had to be there and once I was there, I had to talk to her. It was now or never.
I couldn't help my pessimism. Nerves can choke you that way. You might know what you want and even figure out a way to achieve it, but then a tiny voice will sneak into your head. A nagging voice that will paint all sorts of grim and disheartening possibilities, unexpected turn of events that will not only mean that you won't reach your purpose, but also that rejection will come in a painful way. Rejection.
I stopped, the Seam was visible now, I could see the small stretch of road ahead of me, and finally the small houses that were inhabited mostly by miners. I couldn't move a step closer. For a second, my feebly constructed courage had suddenly shattered by my feet. I took a deep breath in, releasing myself from the tortuous rhythm I had inflicted on my lungs a second ago. I was losing it. I was exaggerating, I knew that. Or, was I? I looked around me, desperately searching for a distraction as I tried to regain whatever emotion had brought me this far.
The road was dark, barely lit by the moon. Since I was right between the edges of town and the border of the Seam, the nearest houses were a few feet back or forward. It was possible to barely make out the edge of such houses, yet it was still obvious how different the two parts of town were. The houses in town were poor, no one would dispute that. The only home remotely acceptable was the mayor's house. Merchants lived in town, close to their businesses or sometimes in a house above their businesses, like my family and I. Miners and their families lived at the Seam. It was widely frowned upon when someone from the merchant side of the district got involved with someone from the Seam. People had followed this unwritten rule for generations, and as a result the difference between both sides was not only geographical, it was also present in the physical traits of their inhabitants.
People from the Seam had darker skin, darker hair and either brown or clear eyes. Merchants were mostly blonde and blue eyed. I was. I had blond curls and blue eyes, a true depiction of what a merchant's son was supposed to look like. And Katniss, the true source of my anxiety, was from the Seam. She had long dark hair that she kept in a thick braid all the time. Olive skin that clung to her soft frame and gray and piercing eyes. Looking at her was unsettling. Her gaze gave you the certainty that she could see straight through you, she knew all of your secrets and she wasn't impressed. At least that's how I thought it felt like, she'd only looked directly at me once and after that I'd always had the weirdest sensation that she was still looking at me whenever she was near. Not that this was true, she barely knew I existed at all.
My exercise in distraction had just betrayed me and I was feeling worse by the minute. She didn't know who I was, why on earth had I thought this was a good idea? If I had any sense at all left, I would go running back to town and ask among my friends who were still available. I could be married by tomorrow, not doubt there would be many that had waited just as long as I and surely someone would want to marry me. I wasn't too bad looking and I had a good trade, everyone knew that now my brothers had left I would be getting the bakery.
The problem was that I wouldn't want to marry them. I only wanted to be with Katniss.
It wasn't just that I didn't want to be with someone else. Or that I would most likely burn in jealousy if she married another man and I had to see them together day after day in the same District. I might have endured that, I had to before when she was with Gale Hawthorne. It was worse than that, if she didn't get married at all she would be taken from the District. She would be reaped and once she got on that train, I would never see her again.
I started walking again, my courage renewed. I'd remember what had brought me this far and now I was not going to let that thought go. The thought of having her taken somewhere else so that she could marry some stranger had made me come to this decision in the first place. Stories were told all the time, mostly to incite fear among those who were approaching the age of eligibility for the reaping and had not considered marrying. Sure, marrying to someone in your District you did not care for was bad enough. But being taken away into some foreign District was worse. You'd never hear from your family again, you would be given a specific job and would have to marry the person the Capitol chose to be fit for you. Those marriages rarely ended well. Or so they told us.
You might marry someone you stand and even come to the idea of being together. But that happened only if you were lucky. For the most part, those who were married off to those from other districts had to stand a lot of pressure. Normally, you would have five years to fill your quota of three children. If you were reaped, you only had three. It was a sort of punishment for making the Capitol find your spouse for you because you had been too stupid or lazy to find a suitable match on your own, or so my mother said. I just thought it was a strategy to force us to make a decision fast so they didn't have too many people being reaped every year. Most importantly it was an overt reminder that we had no control over or lives or whatsoever, like everything in Panem, we belonged to the Capitol.
I didn't want that for myself, but mostly I didn't want that for Katniss. Two years ago when Gale Hawthorne turned eighteen I was so desperate for her to stay that I internally hoped that Katniss would marry him. Just so I was certain she would stay. I knew that if anybody had a chance in District 12 to marry her, it was Gale. They'd probably been together for a long time now since they were together whenever they could at school and after school. How many times had I seen them walking back to the Seam together? If Katniss was going to marry anyone, it would be Gale Hawthorne. I even thought I had prepared myself for it. But then the reaping came, they called out the names of those to be reaped and Gale was among them. I couldn't believe it at first, I thought I had heard wrong. But the tall boy stepped forward and soon he was taken to the trains. I felt guilty when I felt my entire body flood with relief, I hadn't been as ready to see her married as I'd thought. Then I noticed Katniss' expression, she was by the edge of the crowd, she was looking down and looked like she was about to cry, my expression fell with that. She looked so sad that I almost walked up to her, but then she took her sister's hand and moved away from the crowd. For two years I made up my mind that maybe with Gale gone, I would get a chance with her.
Now I was not so sure. And whenever I wasn't terrified about the possibility, a very real possibility of her saying no, I was even more horrified with the idea of her leaving for good. I moved faster now. That is what I had to keep in mind. Never seeing her again.
I'd never gotten this close before, I thought to myself. Her house was by the edge of the Seam so I didn't have to wander too far from town. It was best this way, even at night I would stand out if anyone was there to see me. Finally, I saw her house.
It was a small house, like all the other ones in the Seam. It was easy to spot however, because of the goat tied up in the front yard. The wood had once been of a different color but now it was washed up and slightly darkened because of the coal dust. Everything in the Seam was covered by at least one layer of coal dust, because of the proximity to the mines. They kept it clean, however, the few patches of grass looked trimmed and you could see repairs here and there. There was light coming from the windows, not electrical but most likely candles. There were often power shortages in District 12, in the Seam it was almost a rule to have no power after certain hour. I only knew that because for most of my life, I'd been paying attention.
I'd reached the small gate that separated the small house from the rest of the Seam. The goat didn't even look at me, and I heard a cat meowing not far away. I turned and saw him climbing down the side of the house. I didn't know she had a cat, although I was almost certain that it wasn't hers, it must be her sister's.
I crossed the gate, taking a deep breath and now I could hear the sounds from the house. I could hear a child's voice, definitely her sister. She was the only one talking, I caught some words like Rory, school, cheese and something else. Then I heard laughter, I wondered if it was Katniss, I'd never heard her laugh before. But then I heard her voice and I stopped cold, the laughter continued so it had to be her mother's. Prim's voice continued and Katniss stopped talking. I moved forward thinking how I'd never heard her laugh before. Not for so long maybe a smile here or there. I encouraged myself thinking that maybe if I asked and she said yes, I would eventually be able to earn her smiles and even hear her laugh.
This final thought was what propped me to knock on the door.
The talking stopped immediately. I heard light footsteps bouncing closer until the door opened slightly.
"Hello," the voice from before said. I knew her, I'd seen her often around the bakery looking at the cakes I frosted. Her name was Prim and she looked as much like a merchant as I did. Her blonde hair and blue eyes hinted at her mother's merchant origin.
"Hello," I heard my voice croak. I cleared my throat. I didn't recognize my own voice. My hands were shaking again. "Is Katniss here?" she looked confused but didn't seem bothered.
"I'll go get her," she said with a warm expression and a smile and went in to get her sister. It seemed like she was going to close the door at my face but when it was about to be entirely closed, she stopped it. There was no going back now, Katniss would know I was here in just a second.
I turned around, trying to get my bearings when the door swung open. Her expression looked expectant and as I turned to face her, my heart beating violently, her eyes turned suspicious. Her expression indifferent. I'd seen her like this before, it was what she usually looked like. She didn't speak, her stance was menacing. She always seemed to be ready to react to a rebuff. I stood up straight, knowing she wouldn't appreciate weakness and tried to look friendly as I spoke. I looked at her eyes as much as I could but it was hard. It was like she already knew why I was here and she was just waiting for me to open my mouth to say no.
"Good evening, Katniss. I don't know if you know me, I'm Peeta Mellark," I started to say.
"I know who you are." she cut me off. Her voice was intimidating too. She didn't scream, she barely ever raised her voice but that was what made it so powerful. Whenever she did talk it was enchanting. Her tone was steady and detached, heavily apprehensive.
"Oh, great," I said, not knowing why she would know who I was but being grateful all the same. For a moment I panicked and didn't know what to say. She was getting impatient, I could see that as she leaned on the door frame. "I came here to talk about a trade." I said, remembering what had been the plan all along.
My intention was not to deceive her, not for a moment. If I thought she would react mildly positive to a proper declaration of love I would have gone with that instead. But I knew better. I knew her better than to think that would get me anywhere but a door shut in the face. She looked at me and her eyes turned even harder, I didn't know that was possible.
"What is it?" she said and I looked over her shoulder. Anything to distract me from her unwavering glare.
"Can we talk somewhere else, I wouldn't want to inconvenience your family." I said and she didn't look away from me to know what I meant.
"Wait here." She said and unlike Prim she did close the door entirely. For a moment I thought she wasn't coming back. I wondered if I should go but the door opened. She had her jacket on and came out and walked as if I wasn't there. I followed her silently a few paces behind her wondering where we would go. She finally stopped when we reached a small Meadow. I looked around and almost smile at our surroundings.
The sky was dark and menacing in its vastness, the stars shining above us and the moon visible in a quarter crescent. The woods were not far so the entire area was saturated with the different scents of the trees and soil that the wind carried in a subtle breeze. The meadow's knee high grass moved on a gentle and soothing motion, the wild flowers that had managed to grow in the greenery were untouched by anything but the moonlight. This was an amazing place to have this conversation in. I believed this wholeheartedly until she turned to face me and I noticed her exasperated expression.
"What do you want to trade and in exchange for what?" she said sharply and I had to remind myself to stand up straight.
"You might want to sit down, it's hard to explain." I said and eyed the two rocks behind her. She didn't even look in that direction. All right. "I came here to ask you something, it has to do with the reaping in a week." Her brow furrowed.
"What about it?" she looked confused. Not interested, just confused.
"First, I wanted to ask you if you were still available?" I said and her immediate irritation made me continue, it might be the only chance I would get to actually say the words. "If you are, I was wondering if, um, you'd consider being my partner?" Not wife. I couldn't say that word, it would give my question a different meaning. Regardless of my determination to seem unaltered I had mumbled the question and I hoped she had heard me. The look of disbelief in her face told me she had.
"I thought this was about a trade." This might have the longest conversation I'd ever had with her, the only one in fact but I wasn't so obtuse as to not notice her sudden urge to get away from me as fast as possible.
"It is." My courage returned. Why couldn't it just stay as unwavering as her irritation, it would make this so much easier. "It's just hard to explain, like I said before." She glared at me. "If you agree I think we can both benefit from it." She stepped away from me, I was sure this was it for a moment. She would leave and the last of my hopes would go with her. For a second I thought I was right and she would leave, I think it was her intention, instead she went to sit by the rocks I had seen when we arrived. She sat there, crossing her legs in front of her. I followed closely and I sat down on the grass. I looked up at her as I spoke. I couldn't look like a scared boy as I said this. "As you know the reaping will be next week." Her impatience was evident, for once I decided not to let that bother me. I'd gotten this far, she was willing to listen. "I don't have a partner yet and since you haven't stopped me I'll assume you don't have one either," I paused she didn't even flinch but I took that as an affirmative response "I don't want to leave the District, Katniss." I said her name softly, like a plea. Relishing in the fact that I could say her name to her face and that she was listening. "My father needs me at the bakery, with both of my brothers gone I am the only one left to take over the business. If I am reaped, my family will lose the bakery." This was all true. My reasons, besides being with her, were why it was important for me to stay. "District 12 might not be much, but that doesn't mean I want to be sent elsewhere, I want to stay home. I like to work at the bakery and I'm good at it, I don't know what I'll be forced to do somewhere else." I said and she seemed to be listening.
"I understand," she said simply, I looked at her, her glare had softened slightly. "But what does that have to do with me? Why don't you marry your girlfriend or one of your friends?" she said with a scowl on her face. What did she mean by my girlfriend?
"Because I don't want to get married." This was the entire point I was getting to.
"What? I thought you just said-"she started to say and looked confused.
"I need to get married, I just don't want to." She was interested now. I could see it on her face. "I don't think this is fair, and I wish I wasn't forced to do this. I can't just hand my life over to them and be happy about it. I have to try, there has to be something else to life than just abiding by the Capitol's rules." These words were taking a toll on her and for a moment I was glad we were alone, this kind of talk would surely get me into trouble if anyone else heard it. "If I married anyone else they would expect me to be a husband to them and that is not what I'm after. I'm after someone who might be interested in entering a partnership not a marriage." I hoped I was making sense.
"Why me? You could have talked to anyone else." She said less indifferent than before.
"Because you're you, Katniss," for a second I'd lost my grip on what I was supposed to be saying. I recovered as quickly as possible "You hunt, you're not afraid of doing something illegal to help your family. You're the bravest girl on 12," I hoped she didn't notice my tone, it was full of admiration and affection. I looked down so I didn't see her reaction; I stared at a dandelion next to my feet. She took a long time to talk but I thought she wanted to say something.
"What would it be like, if I said yes?" I almost gasped at that. I pulled myself together. She was actually considering it.
"We'd get married and not be reaped. We would move into the house they'll assign to us and then we'll do exactly what we do right now. I'll work at the bakery as usual and you can do whatever you want with your time." Her stoic attitude had been lost somewhere along our conversation. She didn't look indifferent anymore, on the contrary, she seemed to be considering it and she seemed anxious. Her hands balled up into fists and I wondered if she had done that to stop them from shaking. "We'll do enough to not attract the peacekeeper's attention to us, and they'll have to leave us alone. We'll be doing what they ask." I said and her brow furrowed.
"That sounds all very nice," her sarcasm was evident "What about the quota? They'll eventually notice I'm not having children." This was her major concern, I could see that now. Why was that? People didn't think twice about having children and filling their quota. Only after you'd had the three children required by the Capitol they left you alone and didn't bother you until it was time for your children's reaping. I guess I understood it now.
"Do you know Haymitch Abernathy?" I asked and her wandering gaze focused on me.
"The drunk?" she said and I nodded. He was a drunk, I couldn't do anything about that, but there was also something else.
"He never had children or got reaped. Maybe he knows what we can do. There are always ways to find time." I wasn't lying, many people stalled. No one paid much attention to District 12, least of all the Capitol. So as long as you kept your head down, the peacekeepers didn't make a fuss about the quota. As long as they didn't suspect you weren't trying. "We can stay safe, as long as they think we're playing by their rules." I said and she nodded wistfully. It was all a matter of not being overtly rebellious. You had to be smarter than them. Then again, there was something I needed to be clear about with her, just in case the plan didn't work. "I want to be honest with you, Katniss. I have to tell you the truth and I can't promise we won't be forced to have children, but I can promise everything that falls within my control." She had been looking away, apparently to nowhere in particular. I realized she was looking towards her home's direction. "I promise I'll do everything I can to give you and myself a chance. I need to know I did everything I could to protect my family." Her gaze turned to my face. Her expression had softened somehow.
"How could I even begin to trust you?" her voice was softer too. For a split second I felt myself soaring, I controlled my expression as I had before. I didn't want to grin widely and look deranged when she was finally considering what I had to say.
"You can trust me." I said simply "but I know you won't believe me. Honestly, you can't know if I'm trustworthy, you'll just have to take a chance." This was the truth, or so I hoped. I would never to anything to harm her. Never, she just couldn't know this.
"I don't really have a choice." She wasn't anxious anymore. She wasn't indifferent. She sounded tired, it was obvious she had thought about this for a long time. I looked at her intently thinking of a way to comfort her and feeling entirely at loss when I knew I wouldn't be able to do that. Not yet anyhow.
"You do." I said and I stood up. "You can do whatever you want. I only wanted you to know that you also have this option." She stared at me for a long time. So long that I blushed and I was about to say something just to break the tension. She beat me to it.
"Do I have to decide now?" she said her voice just above a whisper.
"No." I said, her answer had taken the breath out of me. Now I knew, she was really going to consider it. Then I remembered we only had a week left. "How much time do you need?" she looked at me, irritation back on her beautiful features. "I don't mean to pressure you but since we only have a week left." I said and she took this into consideration.
"I trade with your father on Thursdays, I will talk to you then." I nodded. I knew it would feel eternal to wait until Thursday but it was much better than a quick and most likely painful no.
"I'll be at the bakery." I said and she stood up her hands in her jacket's pockets. She nodded in my direction and looked like she wanted to say something else. Instead, she turned and left.
I sat in the meadow and watched walk away until she was no longer visible. It was almost the middle of spring but there were still cool nights, like tonight. Beautiful evenings, wonderful nights when Katniss Everdeen was considering my proposal. I'd talked to her, I'd actually talked to her and I hadn't made a fool of myself. I had said my piece and now she was considering marrying me. I grinned idiotically, as wide as I was able. Katniss Everdeen was thinking about me right now, I was sure of it. I may have not known if she was thinking kindly of me or if I was just going to be another person in her life that told her what to do. It didn't matter, she was thinking of me and I thought I deserved to leave the Seam with that happy thought on mind. I wouldn't even let myself doubt what I had said and how I had said it. I would not linger on every phrase or every one of her expressions, I was just going to dwell on the fact that she was thinking about it.
My grin didn't fade as I went back to town. It didn't falter when I went upstairs to my room and my mom yelled asking for my whereabouts, I lied easily and got to bed. Eighteen years of dread had finished tonight; I had finally talked to her. I had finally said something to the girl I loved and she would ask for me on Thursday. How could I have stopped smiling then, even if I wanted to?
I fell asleep thinking about her and sure enough Katniss Everdeen was the main focus of my dreams that night.
What do you think? If you liked it or not, I'd love to hear from you. I have a lot of stuff written already so I'll be posting often. Thanks for reading.