Ready for another ride? Here comes the last part of the Cordelia story.
Carry Me Home picks up about ten months after One Of The Good Guys ended.
The first two chapters are a bit angsty, but all for a reason, so hang in there ;)
Hope you will enjoy!
Chapter 1 - Falling
Kurt woke up with an unfamiliar alarming sensation in his body. Maybe it was nothing but a shadow of a dream still stirring in his subconscious but he couldn't remember anything. He stretched and prompted his body to get moving. Blaine was up already and the cold sheet on his side of the bed revealed it had been awhile. Kurt listened carefully, but not a sound was heard; no brewing coffee or clicking sound from the digital piano, no running water in the shower. He put his feet down on the wooden floor and pulled on the t-shirt from last night while calling out: "Blaine, are you there?"
He cracked the window open and ruffled his hair. Neither of them usually had early morning meetings and the fridge was stuffed from yesterday's grocery shopping so he couldn't figure out where Blaine would have to be this early. He walked out to kitchen and put on coffee. It didn't seem like Blaine had gotten any breakfast either before leaving. Things had been rough for a while and it was like the small things that use to matter, and was supposed to matter, had been suffocated in their crazy schedules. Kurt was worried, not for them as a couple or their future together, but for Blaine. With a sigh he went for a towel in the hallway closet but passing the music room his eyes suddenly caught a glimpse of Blaine, sitting by the piano, staring into the air. "Hey baby," Kurt said and pushed up the door. "I didn't think you were home. You've been so quiet. Are you okay?"
Blaine turned and looked at him blank faced. "I can't read the sheet," he stated simply.
Kurt stepped closer and got down by the piano next to him. His eyes quickly scanned the sheet in front of them. I was a melody Blaine had composed late last night and Kurt still remembered fractions of it as he had listened alone in their bed. The notes were not smeared, every little dot was balancing perfectly on or between the lines. "I'm not sure I understand," he said. "It looks fine to me."
"But it's like I can't remember." Blaine's eyes welled up. "I suddenly can't remember what the notes are called or where they're supposed to go on the piano. And I know that I know. I mean … I wrote this yesterday … then how can I not know today? The names of the notes haven't changed overnight, right?"
Panic stirred in the pit of Kurt's stomach as he stared at his boyfriend. "Um, Blaine, how much have you slept tonight?"
"I don't really know. Maybe I didn't go to sleep at all."
"You did," Kurt clarified. "I remember you lying next to me at some point. But maybe you just need to rest," he suggested. "You know, take the day off and forget about composing, just for today?"
Blaine closed his eyes and frowned. "I'm sure I can't. Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere today, but I don't know. I can't find my phone."
Kurt's eyes snapped to the phone placed neatly on top of the piano, right in Blaine's eyesight. "Baby, you're exhausted," he said with a trembling voice and turned Blaine to face him. "Why don't you go back to bed. I'll find your phone and cancel your schedule for today. You know, make a few phone calls. I'm sure it can work out." Kurt cupped the tired face in front of him until Blaine put his hands above Kurt's grip.
"What if I have a meeting with the producer today? I think that's what this song is about. But I can't write it if I can't remember how to read the notes." He let go of Kurt's hands again and rubbed his temples. "It's all so confusing and I can't find my phone. Have you seen it?"
Kurt blinked hard to keep tears away. Blaine was one of the most organized people he knew. He knew his calendar by heart and if their arrangements or meetings were colliding, Blaine would be the first one to notice. "Go into bed again," Kurt pleaded.
"But I don't want to be alone," Blaine objected. His chest heaved all of a sudden as if something overwhelmed him.
"You don't have to. I'll take the day off, too," Kurt promised. "We'll go back to bed and you can sleep for as long as you need to."
"No, you have to wake me up when you get up. I don't want to be alone."
Kurt pulled him into his arms as tears ran over. Blaine was scaring the shit out of him but he had to act like it wasn't that big of a deal; that it was perfectly normal illusion and confused beyond compare. Maybe he was having an anxiety attack or something. Kurt didn't know what that was supposed to be like or how you knew someone was having one. "You don't have to be alone," he whispered into Blaine's ear. "I'll be here and I'll take care of you. When I get up again you can lay on the couch and I'll sit right next to you. Would that be okay?"
Blaine exhale until all air seemed to have left his lungs and collapsed more or less into the embrace. "Yes, that would be okay," he finally said. "I'd really like that."
With an arm around Blaine's waist, Kurt held him up as they walked through the hallway and back to the bedroom. Blaine almost crawled into bed with careful, cautious movements as if he was afraid to break. Kurt gently tucked the sheets around the exhausted man before he went to his own side and lied down next to him. He then dragged Blaine into his arms and felt how their bodies clicked into each other as two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly just like that and a few minutes later the steady rise and fall of Blaine's chest revealed that he was already asleep.
Lying like that Kurt's spirit broke, piece by piece, and tears ran from his eyes, passing his temples before they pooled in his ears. The last eight months could have been the highlight of Blaine's career with the band, Sound Of Seduction. But instead it had turned into a nightmare than none of them could have predicted. Shortly after "Cordelia" had finished its run at The Ensemble Theater late in the summer, the band had signed a record deal with a minor NY label. Kurt had been beyond thrilled on Blaine's behalf and even though they both knew it would take up a lot of Blaine's time and mean they would have to cancel the vacation to Italy, they had agreed it would be worth everything. They could have time together later. The second musical from "By Blackbird" had been postponed and in the meantime Stevenson had gotten Kurt some interesting theater auditions and Ally had devoted all her time being a mom to a beautiful little girl that had arrived into their lives a cold November night.
Two months later Blaine and Matt had showed up at the studio with ten of Blaine's best songs. Songs that represented the soul of the band and that had proved their worth played live. But to their uttermost surprise the producer had turned every single song down, claiming that a different sound was needed from the band; something contemporary, leaning more towards light pop. Once the immediate disappointment had dissolved Blaine had approached the task as a challenge. He had composed day and night, searching for that specific sound the producer was asking for. Bits and pieces of lyrics and notes had been lying everywhere and Blaine had even hummed in his sleep. Every song was arranged together with the band and everybody had a say. But the pressure had still been put mainly on Blaine's shoulders. Not just by himself but by the producer as well. It was Blaine they wanted and his energetic vibe as frontman. Despite the effort, song after song had been turned down with small ridiculous excuses that didn't make much sense, other than Sound Of Seduction perhaps wasn't what the label really wanted after all.
Kurt had early on suspected a hidden agenda from the label and they had fought a lot about it, Blaine and him. Countless time he had begged Blaine to get out of the contract before it crushed him completely. But Blaine had declined and repeatedly stated that he owed it to the band to go on. Even after Matt was ready to back down because it didn't make sense anymore, Blaine had refused to give up.
After a while his songs had changed, bit by bit, until they were shallow and meaningless; mainstream to a point where Kurt couldn't tell them apart. Silently he had been forced to stand by and watch Blaine's confidence be torn apart, leaving him insecure and deeply hurt. And even though Kurt had tried to support and encourage him with all his heart, things had become strained between them. Blaine had forgotten things, had stood him up and been edgy and frustrated. They hadn't been intimate for months, which caused issues that were never truly about sex but about the lack of closeness.
Kurt closed his eyes and tightened his embrace around Blaine before he kissed his messy curls. He loved him so much and he had tried to save him but it had made Blaine withdraw instead. With a snip of the sheet Kurt carefully dried new tears away, found his phone and texted with one hand without letting go of Blaine.
Coops, somethings wrong with Blaine. I think he's having a nervous breakdown. Don't call me, he's just fallen asleep but please come as soon possible!
Two minutes later Cooper answered back.
I'm on my way!
Once Blaine had turned in his sleep, Kurt snug out of bed. He picked up Blaine's phone from the top of the piano in the music room and checked the calendar app. Sure enough, Blaine was booked for a meeting with the producer together with Matt in two hours. Four missed calls from Matt even more revealed that something was urgent. The options were limited as Kurt thought things through. It didn't feel right to reveal too much of Blaine's condition without his consent but this was more than a flu that would be gone tomorrow. Matt would have to know the truth.
Kurt pressed the phone into his ear until the call was picked up. "Matt!" he said and fought to control his voice.
"Hey Kurt, please tell me Blaine is on his way. I need to hear his new song before we are heading to the studio. Even though I wouldn't blame him if he composing until the last minute." Matt suddenly hesitated. "Wait, why are you the one calling and not Blaine?"
Kurt's eyes dropped to the sheet with an unfinished melody mocking him on the piano. He cleared his throat. "Matt ...um, I don't know how to tell you this, but Blaine is having some sort of … nervous breakdown and ... there is no new song." The words screamed in his face as soon as they had left his mouth.
There is no new song.
There is no new song.
Blaine always had a new song. They grew in his heart and his brain until they would overflow and be born by the piano or in the kitchen while he was cooking or making coffee.
Matt got quiet. "I have been so afraid it would come to this. He has been pushing himself for far too long. And for what? A label that sucks!"
Tears prickled behind Kurt's eyelids again. He really appreciated that there wasn't a hint of blame to be heard in Matt's voice. "Matt I don't know what to do, and I don't even know what you should tell the producer. I have to make some sort of decision on Blaine's behalf and that's so unfair to him."
"How bad is it?"
"This will take a while, Matt. I've never seen him like this. We have to say something."
"Sure, I just don't know how we can get out of this contract alive."
"Hang on," Kurt said and went through his own calendar. "Look, I have a meeting with Stevenson today that I have to cancel. I will call him and tell him that you're dropping by instead. Bring the contract and let him take care of the legal terms. He will know the loopholes and there have to be some in case of sickness, right?"
"Yeah I hope so. What do you want me to tell the band?"
"Tell the truth," Kurt replied with no hesitation. "They've all seen him struggle through this and I hope they will understand."
"They will; totally," Matt replied. "All focus has to be on Blaine now and hopefully getting him to slow down.
"It's just all so wrong, you know, this was not supposed to happen."
"No, it wasn't," Matt agreed, "but we've all tried to tell him."
"Do you know why?" Kurt asked. "I mean is the band pushing this overall or is it all his own doing?"
"It's Josh, Kurt, I thought you knew that. We all want to do a record but without all the compromising. Josh, on the other hand just wants to get out there, he wants to tour, aim higher, you know. To him it doesn't matter that much if it's Blaine's songs or someone elses. He just wants the band to move on."
"But if the rest of you guys don't want the same thing it doesn't make sense."
"Which is what I have been trying to tell Blaine over and over. But he was always convinced that the right songs were just around the corner and then we could have both; the smaller gigs in the music bars in New York and the bigger venues if we could sell."
Kurt could hear Blaine call out for him from the bedroom. "I have to go Matt, please call me back later and update me, oh and tell Sam I'll be calling him when I have a minute."
"Will do," Matt replied quickly. "And um … take care of him, for us all, you know."
"I promise," Kur said emotionally. He hung up and hurried into the bedroom where Blaine was getting out of bed. "I thought you were gone," Blaine said and wiped a tear away.
"No, baby," Kurt said and hugged him. "I promised I'd stay, remember?"
Blaine shook in his arms. "What is happening to me?" he asked and let his head drop down on Kurt's shoulders.
Kurt tangled his fingers into the familiar, dark hair. "I'm not sure, baby. I just think you're … stressed out and you need to rest … a lot."
Blaine forced himself to stand taller. "But I can't, I have way too much to do." He went blank again. "There's a song I have to finish, but I don't remember." His eyes snapped back to Kurt. "Have you seen my phone?"
Kurt pressed his lips hard together. "I have," he said. Let me make you a bed on the couch and then I'll go get it for you. But you don't have to worry. I've already rescheduled your plans for today and it's alright for you to stay home and get some sleep."
Cooper came just as Kurt had positioned Blaine on the couch, already drifting off again with his phone clutched in his hand. Cooper hugged Kurt for a long time. "We will find a way to help him," he said when Kurt teared up once more.
"It just breaks my heart to see him like this."
"I know," Cooper said and looked at his brother. Then he walked quietly to the couch and took Blaine's hand. "Hey Bee," Cooper smiled as soon as they made eye contact.
"Coops," Blaine responded with heavy eyelids.
"How are you doing, buddy?"
"I'm freezing; maybe you could get me one more blanket."
Cooper put his hand on Blaine's forehead. "I think he's catching a fever."
Kurt joined them and put his hand on Blaine's cheek. It was warm sure enough. "I'll get that blanket," he said and kissed Blaine's temple.
"Thank you," Blaine mumbled.
"Is there anything else you need?" Cooper asked, trying to keep his brother awake for a bit longer. "A glass of water, maybe?"
"No thanks, but maybe my phone, I need to check if I have any meetings today."
"Your phone's right in your hand," Kurt answered devastated as he covered him up in the third blanket. "But you don't have to be anywhere today, remember?"
"Yea right, I keep forgetting," Blaine said before he drifted away again.
Cooper caught Kurt's eyes. "He should probably see a doctor," he whispered.
Kurt nodded. "He has an appointment for tomorrow at noon," he whispered back.
They both returned to the kitchen. "I'll stay here for as long as you need me," Cooper said, "and Katie will bring us dinner around 7. If you have places to be I'll look out for him."
"No," Kurt burst out. "I'm not leaving him like this, but thanks for staying. I really appreciate that."
At 7 Katie arrived with something to eat as promised. She was most concerned about Blaine's unwillingness to drink anything, but he persistently turned away whatever they offered. He was still drifting in and out of sleep and his cheeks were blushing from fever, but he was calmer now and seemed to have accepted his condition for the time being. Cooper and Katie left around 10 after they had helped Blaine back to bed again. And when Kurt fell asleep next to him, holding his warm hand in his, he willed himself to be more confident about tomorrow. He would have to convince Blaine to take a serious break. And he wouldn't budge this time. Things were getting way too serious.