So this is my first ever story. Review for virtual cookies? :)
Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or anything else.
I have spent our whole lives saving you. I hate you for it, but I love you so its okay. I shiver when your words slur, and hide tears while you heave. But still I love you unconditionally. Our other friends say that you are sick, that this desire to throw yourself into oblivion is a disease. I know you better than they do though. I know that you're just sad and somedaysmostdayseveryday its just easier to forget why your heart cant seem to beat quite right. I know that sometimes you can feel a phantom warmth to your right where he used to standlielive. I know that some nights when the air is warm and the sky is full of stars you like for us to pretend we are kids again, to lay in the overgrown grass picking out which stars belongs to the lost loved ones. I know that these days all of your stars are for him but that's okay because lately all of my stars are for you. They are for you because even though I can reach out and touch your hand I know that you cant feel it anymore.
Sometimes I want to shake you for being so selfish. I want to shake you for not realizing that I have a ghost to my left these days. Sometimes I want to laugh at the absurdity of my life. When he was here he was always between us, a place of honor he called it. Now I would call it a place of horror. Sometimes when I see you crying in a corner or doing a double take every time a brown haired guy walks by I feel sick. I feel sick because this is turning me into some kind of sociopath who cant feel any empathy or sympathy. I was never the one to cry at greeting card commercials but after a year of your sniveling over blurry pictures and bad pop songs I cant even work up a tear for the boy I loved.
The worst part is that even if I could it wouldn't matter, it would be secondary pain, because you and you all consuming angst have called first dibs. My pain would be that of a silly high school crush while yours would be the pain of the girl he loved first. But that's not how it feels to me, it feels like after four years of waiting in the wings I finally got the chance to feel the warmth of his spotlight on me and it disappeared before it thawed me all the way through.
I hold your hair back, I pour you into bed. I scratch at mosquito bites I get from laying in overgrown grass. I smile when you need me to, keep tissues ready for when you need to cry. I let you show all of your pain, I love you unconditionally. But your love for me requires I do all of these things now, your love for me is conditional. I don't hold it against you though because its my fault he's gone.
I asked him to come pick me up, asked him to save me yet again. I knew it was raining, I knew I lived in a less than safe part of town where things like stop signs are optional to the neighborhood drunks, I knew he was tired, I knew it was late. I knew a lot of things then and I know a lot of new things now. I know the sound of screeching tires and metal crashing into metal, I know that sometimes it takes about twenty minutes too long for an ambulance to reach my street. I also know that I will never forgive myself and neither will you, and I know that just because your heart beats doesn't mean your alive.