Once upon a time, Lovino Romano Vargas was about to have a baby. This was bad, though, because he was a student at Saint Mary Magdalene's School For Aspiring Prostitutes and also he wasn't married yet because that would be illegal. It wasn't like he lived in Spain or anything. His boyfriend sometimes asked him to move to Spain so they could be together, but Romano Lovino Vargas always said no because that was stupid and also his grandfather would probably kill him with guilt if he did so because his grandfather was Catholic and his grandmother was dead, so his grandfather had taken up the crocheted shawl of designated Catholic Grandmother Guilting You To Do Or Not Do Things, and Lovi hated when that happened to him. Lovi was also a boy, which made the pregnancy extra hard, because he didn't have a uterus and his stomach was full of the acid it needed to break down his food chemically so he wasn't sure where the baby was being kept but he hoped it wasn't his colon.
"Our baby is being kept with the angels," Lovi Roma's boyfriend, Anthony Carriedo, said as soon as he heard the news, "And in nine months after you're done atoning for your sluttish sins and have become pure again the storks will deliver it to the cabbage patch behind my uncle's house, because I don't have one and you don't have one but he does although he also grows beets there, and then we will be daddies. My abuela told me so."
"I hate you," Roma Lovi replied, and it was true.
Roma Lovi hated with a passion that Tony Carriedo was not a woman and had gotten him pregnant. He would have to quit school, now, and lose his entire future, because there was no way the other kids at Saint Mary Magdalene's would ever stop teasing him when they saw the bulge above his cute red plaid jumper. Roma Lovi always teased the fat kids. He knew they were just dying to get revenge on him, because they were sad, petty people, who needed to exercise more and also exfoliate and be more fashionable and not be themselves and stop being mean and pathetic.
"Shhhh, my baby," Anthony said, "I know you don't mean that!"
"I don't!" Loma Rovi said, gasping with tears in his eyes, "I-I love you, you stupid jerk."
And then they had another baby but this time it was Anthony's.
Author's Note: All Catholic grandmothers must own at least one crocheted shawl. This is a rule of the universe.
Translations: Abuela = revered ancient space monster