Death. Pain. Loss. Hope. Helplessness. Fear. Anxiety. Separation. Seclusion. Hurt. Failure. Vulnerability. Panic. Depression.
Suicide.
That's what lead me here. Suicide did. The death of someone close to me. The death that they caused on their own. I loved them. But I couldn't tell them. I cared for them. But not in the way they thought. I wanted to hug them, hold them tight. Kiss them, show them that they were and could be loved. But I never got the chance.
"Grimmjow!" I called out happily to my blue-haired best friend, jogging towards him quickly.
"Huh? Oh, hey there, Ichigo." He smiled warmly, even though I now know how cold he felt.
"Ya wanna hang out? Y'know, at our usual spot by the park?" I panted slightly from my previous exertion.
"Sure. I've got nothing else better ta do." His smile faltered slightly.
"G-Grimmjow?" I gazed up at him, my eyebrows pulling together. It seemed to snap him out of his reverie.
"Well what're we waiting for?" He replaced his smile with a huge grin, practically eating up half his face.
"We'll stop by my house and get the bikes." I said, and started jogging away without waiting for an answer.
He seemed so happy. Always able to hide away his sadness while in the presence of others. I've known him since a young age, and he was so genuinely happy then. I noticed over time though, that that happiness was slowly diminishing—disappearing only to be replaced with sadness. I would meet him at the park, and his eyes would be red and puffy. He would say that a bug got in his eye. Or some dirt got kicked up while he was riding. Always an excuse for everything. But I saw past it, and he knew I did.
I pressed my heels into the soft dirt near the playground, efficiently stopping my bike, before looking back at Grimmjow as he made a more dramatic entrance, his bike turning quickly, the back tire digging into the ground, the dirt flying up around him, as if nature didn't know what to do with him there. The dirt swirled around his head, clinging to his bright head of hair.
I chuckled lowly, standing up and dropping my bike gently, walking over to Grimmjow and reaching up while on my tippy toes to ruffle his hair, grinning when he pulled away, whining like a child.
"Yer gonna mess my hair up.." he grumbled, bringing his own hands up to push mine away and fix his hair.
"Oh stop bein' a little bitch. As if the wind and dirt hadn't already." He and I grinned nonetheless.
"Oh, shuddap.." He smirked down at me.
"Don't wanna." I grinned when he growled.
"Why you little-!"
And then I ran.
He had such a hard exterior, but he was just so fluffy and kind underneath that. Nobody else understood him. But I did. I knew how he felt. I knew his pain. God, I just wish I could have taken all of it for him..But he never gave me the opportunity. Never had a chance to even say anything to him about it. I was too scared. Scared that he would get upset, and not talk to me anymore. And I know I wouldn't be able to handle that. That permanent separation. My other half gone. Vanished with the shot of a gun. I still remember the sound..God, that sound will haunt my dreams forever..
"Ichigo get yer ass back here!" Grimmjow yelled as he ran behind me.
"No!" Shit he was fast. I looked behind me, giggling like a little kid. My eyes widened as I felt something catch my foot. I thudded to the ground, my breath being knocked out of me quickly.
"Fuck!" Grimmjow yelled as he too fell, but this time by tripping over me.
I started laughing, the sound bubbling out of my throat. The volume of my laughter increased as I looked over at Grimmjow, leaves and twigs in his hair, a scowl placed beautifully on his face.
"What the fuck are you looking at.." he mumbled, arms now crossed.
"You obviously. You look ridiculous." I leaned forward slightly, reaching up to pick a leave or two out of his hair, smiling when I met no resistance.
He smiled back at me. "I bet ya I still look better than you."
"Tch..ya cocky bastard." I shook my head disapprovingly.
"I know it." He smirked.
I shook my head once again, lying down against the hard dirt. It was starting to get dark, and some stars were making their appearances. I sighed softly, bringing my hands up to rest behind my head. My eyes were dropping closed slowly, and I felt Grimmjow moving closer.
When I woke up, the sun was bright and my body hurt. I sat up slowly, rubbing at my eyes before prodding at my side gently with a hiss. I lifted up my shirt slowly, frowning at the purple and yellow bruise.
"Must've been from where Grimmjow's foot hit me.." I muttered aloud to myself, before shrugging slightly and standing up slowly, glancing around for the fore-mentioned person. When I didn't see him I frowned at the lone bike I saw across the small field. "Where tha hell'd he go?" I looked around quickly, expecting him to be sneaking up on me. I walked back to my bike, sighing in defeat, before throwing my leg over the seat, and quickly pedaling away from the park.
I pulled up outside his shit hole of a house, frowning and biting my lip, breathing a sigh of relieve when I saw that both of his parents cars were gone. I dropped my bike on the lawn in front of the door, knocking cautiously at the scratched up door, opening it slowly when there was no answer on the other side.
"Grimm?" I stepped into the dark house, easily making my way to his room, noticing the door slightly open. "Grimmjow?" I pushed on the door, the hinges creaking in protest as it swung open shakily. "Ya in here?" My eyes widened at the sight before me.
Grimmjow was propped up in a corner, a gun laying loosely from his pale hand, head cocked to the side at a painful angle, blue hair dull as it hung in front of his eyes, the eyes themselves drooped closed. My breath was caught in my throat. It was too painful.
"Oh God..oh my God, Grimmjow.." I stumbled over to him, hand over my mouth. "Grimmjow, what'd you do?" I sank to my knees in front of him, reaching forward and gripping his shoulders, shaking his limp body gently, before pulling him close to me, hot tears burning trails down my face. He was cold. So cold. His sun-kissed skin now a ghastly pale, his bright blue hair, now so dark, and matted with blood. I repeatedly ask him what he's done, why he's left me, even though I know he can't hear me. My words are falling on deaf ears, and I know. I know that I'm the only one hearing this, the only one who will know and care about what happened to him. I pull back, letting him once again lean against the wall. I notice a small note next to him, and I pick it up, immediately recognizing the small scrawl as Grimmjow's.
"'I hope you enjoyed my last day, I tried to make it my best, and make it only for you. If you're reading this, I hope you know who you are, my dear and only friend'." I read aloud slowly, repeating it several times until the painful words sunk in, deep into my mind. I stood up slowly, dropping the note, the small paper fluttering to the ground quickly. I walked over to the door, shutting it, and propping a chair up against it. I walked back over to Grimmjow, bending down and picking up the gun, before sitting next to him, and pulling him close once again. I cocked the gun, and rose it slowly, aiming it at my temple.
It's with this memory in my head that I leave, to be with the one I love. All things lead to another; this thing just happened to lead to suicide; on two accounts.
The sound of a gun no longer haunts my dreams, it lives their happily.
Suicide of another, lead me to my own.
~*Authors Note*~
Ohmygod~ I'm so sorry that I haven'y updated in soooo long! I've been having a crappy writers block and just got out of it recently. I know yer prolly thinkin', what the hell? She posts something and its depressing as fuck? I know, I know~ But the idea just wouldn't get out of my head! *Rages* Anyway~ I have been working on ANI and will post the new chapter ASAP! I would like ta thank IChiakiI for yelling at me to write more. XD I love you~ Well, until next time readers~ Ciao all~