Dr. Itachi!
Summary: Thus, the reason Itachi went insane… Sponsored by the Akatsuki.
I do not own Dr. Tran! Or Naruto. Nor did I create them. 'Cause if I did, I'd be rich. And I only have ten dollars in my wallet as of now. (If you think about stealing it, I swear I'll…)
A.N: Only posted because I had nothing else to do. I was originally going to just keep it on my computer for my own laughs...but I had nothing to do, you see. And I apologize if it ain't that funny--but the real Dr.Tran! movie-thing is way funnier. Or, at least, it is to me. So if you are unsatified with this, go watch that. And yes, Itachi is only a kid in this.
"The following preview has not been approved for any audiences
"Squuee!"
"It's on, it's on!"
"Hurry up, turn up the volume!"
The wide screen TV flickered, before flashing to a homely Japanese styled home. The floors shone with cleanliness, window peacefully portraying a swaying tree, rooster crowing in the distance. A boy around the age of five sat in the center of the screen, thoughtfully looking down at the low rising table as he viciously tore a piece out of the red fruit in his hands, politely lowering the rest of the fruit as he chewed the produce contently. He raised the apple once more, intent upon taking another bite out of it—
"He is a man of action."
—And promptly lowered it down, eyes paranoid as they peered out from narrowed eyelashes. They flickered to the corners of the room, before the onyx haired child shrugged, and, warily looking at his breakfast, lifted the meager food to his mouth.
"He is a man of honor."
He pushed the food on the table, his eyes widened as they flashed to the corner of the room yet again finding nothing. "Who are you?" he calmly demanded, glaring straight ahead, "Where are you hiding?"
"He is a man of duty."The child blinked. "Are you talking to me?"
Music blared from the background, trumpets dramatically blaring.
"Here comes Dr. Itachi!"
The music rapidly quieted, a chicken clucking in the background awkwardly, Itachi blankly staring at the empty space before him, "Where is that coming from?"
Somewhere, a baby cried.
"This summer, everyone's favorite action hero returns…"
Itachi furrowed his brows, confused. Where was the voice coming from? And the music, too? It had that distinct sound of some action trailer, something trying to get someone excited (but horribly failing, in his case). Who placed speakers in his home, he idly wondered, futilely attempting to stay unaffected; failing as a stupefied, "What?" left his mouth unwatched.
"…And his name," the voice continued, undeterred, "is Dr. Itachi!"
Itachi placed his apple on the table, uncaring. He mildly twitched, before opening his mouth, a denial slowly oozing it's way out of his vocal chords, "I'm… not a doctor…"
"He's a real doctor," the voice reaffirmed.
"I'm not a doctor!" The child seethed, mad that someone had so bluntly ignored him. He threw his arms to the side in anger, "I am only five years old!"
Again, the voice chose not to hear him, "Not only is he a real doctor…"
Itachi twitched.
"He's a dashing, special agent with a PH.D. in kicking your ass!""Please," the child growled, manners not forgotten, "go away!" He glared, "I have training to do!"
"He's a true Kirigakure legend…""What?!" he seemed to be saying that a lot, "I've never been to Kirigakure!"
"…From Kirigakure!"
Itachi scowled, picking up his apple and tearing a hole in it, "Father," he fumed, "Is coming home. At least let me finish breakfast."
The voice ignored his demands. Again. "When Kirigakure needs saving, Dr. Itachi delivers!"
Itachi roared, throwing his apple to the ground in frustration. He blew ran his hand through his hair, taking deep breaths. "No." He bluntly commented, "I don't."
"I promise." The voice…well… promised.
Later on, that apple committed suicide.
"How did you find my village!?" The Uchiha snarled, "For god's sake, it's the Hidden Village of the Leaves!" Itachi gritted his teeth, trying to keep a mature composure. "Please stop talking!" he whined. It was obvious that he failed.
"You made Dr. Itachi the legend that he is today,"
Strangely enough, a smile grew on his face. At least, now he had someone to blame it on. (And someone to destroy. To completely and utterly annihilate for his torture and pain, and…hey, that's an idea...)
And then the land seemed to erupt with a fangirlish sigh. The grin was swiftly wiped off of his face.
"By mindlessly attending over thirty-thousand of his hit films," The voice continued, and what little tone his skin color had was promptly drained off of Itachi's face. How long had these freaks been watching him? Oh shit. What had they seen?!"Operation: Dr. Itachi," So they had seen the operation he performed on that squirrel last week…aww, crap!
"3, 2, 1…Dr. Itachi," Ok..ay..? This had no relevance to his life, whatsoever. Maybe they didn't see how he tortured—err, played with that squirrel after all!
"Oh Shit, it's Dr. Itachi." The voice finished. Itachi stared, impassive look on his face. "You," he said, pointing to the nothingness in front of him, "Leave." His hands then clamped down around the table, scratches where his nails left marks."It isn't good for Dr. Itachi to get so angry."
Ah! Too late… Itachi was now taking deep, yet hurried breaths, nails making a horrid noise as they attempted to burrow into the expensive table. His chair was thrown aside, landing next to the apple previously cast aside.
"He should know better…after all, he's a doctor."
Snap! And with that, he snapped (duh) two fists shaped holes on the edge of the table. "You lie!" Itachi exclaimed, teeth grinding.
"See him defending freedom!" the announcer cried.
"That was more than ten lies!" The child said, wooden dust pouring from the crevices in his hands. This is why you don't piss off little children. They can do very bad stuff to your wood.
"Witness him battling evil forces!"Itachi blinked, before, "Oh, I counted that one!"
"Watch his kill his own mother—with a broken lawn chair!"Itachi gasped, appalled. "But… I… have a small, kindling respect for mother…" he trailed off…
"It's a tough job…"Apparently, trailing off is all the rage nowadays…
"But Dr. Itachi bites the bullet, and he does it!"His hands lost their furious trembling, shoulder falling into a resolute slouch. He slumped down, pulling his knees upward in a fetal position. "No…just… stop it." He blankly commanded, hands crawling up to his ears as he tried to tune out The Voice of All Horrors!
"…and then he's off to eat hickory-smoked horse buttholes…"
Itachi's head snapped up, a confused, horrified expression crossing his face, "Hickory what?!" He blinked, "Smoked what!?!" He narrowed his eyes, expression slowly falling off of his face, an emotionless shell left in his face.
"…from a cup!"
"No, I won't!" Itachi seethed, voice now cool with even more restrained rage.
"Yes he will…" The Voice of All Horrors said to the audience, impervious to the threat of his (it's?) life.
Itachi narrowed his eyes, with glinted a deadly crimson. "I HATE you…" he fumed, but it was to no avail. 'It's because I don't hate enough,' he blankly thought. 'All of the other emotions…they are weak. They will hold me back…' He crawled to the edge of the table, stooping now as to stay in the shadows…and plot. Evilly. Very evilly. And not the average evil, either. This is the take-over-the-world evil, damn it!
Too bad nobody knew… oh well! Now to the commercial break!
"Now, you can own everyone of Dr. Itachi's films, in the new Dr. Itachi thirty-thousand DVD box set. Classic titles include: Dr. Itachi Meets His Match, Dr. Itachi Has a Chat with a Mormon Child, Dr. Itachi Visits Satan, Dr. Itachi Doles out the Harshness,'Q' is for Dr. Itachi, and Dr. Itachi: 3-D…"
"Ladies and gentlemen, please put on your 3-D Glasses now."
Itachi took this chance to peek up from his evil lair, but everything was in doubles, outlined with a see-through blue and a transparent crimson. He stared in front of him, blank eyes horrified as he noticed that he was black and blue and red all over, "What," he slowly said, twisting around to inspect his back, "Are you doing?" He scowled. Whatever those bastards did made his butt look big.
"Ladies and gentlemen, please remove your 3-D Glasses now."
"Dr. Itachi doesn't take your shit," the Voice continued, oblivious to his interruption, "One step over the line and he'll fuck you up."
Itachi twitched, an gentle 'ooohh'-ing sound escaping from his mouth.
"Nobody fucks you up like Dr. Itachi!"The child peered to the corners of the room, checking to see if another living being was there, "…you said a baaaddd word…" he whispered, careful to have anyone hear him.
(A.N: He's five. He is the epitome of politeness. Think about it.)
"Nobody." The voice reaffirmed, threatening tone in his voice.
"You. Leave." Itachi growled out, glaring at the nothingness in front of him.
"Listen to how much you, the consumer, love Dr. Itachi."
Itachi barely stuttered an 'Oh no' before the screen went blank.
Three giggling girls stood in a tiled room (it look like bathroom, yes it does), red-faced and laughing their heads off.
"Dr. Itachi is the man," one stated, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they were being interviewed in a bathroom.
"I…" the other started, "was amazed." At the shinyness of the tiles in the bathroom? Yes, they do look shiny enough to do your makeup, don't they?
Bitch.
"People everywhere agree,"
"ITACHITASTIC!!!" A group of girls (plus one fatass) yelled.
Itachi warily peered up from his Evil Lair of Evilness, before hurriedly sliding back down as he noticed the interviews staring again. He hit his head on the Very Not Good Lair of Not Goodness, and silently cursed Sasuke. Why? Because he said so, that's why.
A wannabe gangster flicked onto the screen, upside down hat tilted to the side. His apparent Caucasianness blinded those seeing it, and some already blind people mildly wondered (the just-blind people were clutching their bleeding eyes in obvious painfulness) if this was just a phrase. They were happy when a guy punched him.
"That's right, Dr. Itachi is a full-grown adult…and a doctor!"
"My country 'tis of thee," an Asian male started, "sweet land of liberty. Of thee I sing."
"Everyone loves Dr. Itachi…"
"How do these people know my name?" Itachi calmly asked, a spark of paranoia spilling into his usually blank eyes, "Who are they?"
"Women are crazy…for Dr. Itachi."
"What?!" Itachi squeaked, "Girls are--!"
And then, by a twistful form of twisted fates, he was interrupted. (Duh.)
"But Dr. Itachi sets them straight with a good, hot dickings!"
Itachi stared, mouth agape. He blankly raised his heads, eyes peering through his bangs, hand absentmindedly pushing his lax jaw up.
"Dr. Itachi's giving away the hot dickings."
The onyx haired child inhaled deeply, before letting the air out. Repeat, Itachi! Repeat, damn it!
"In fact, Dr. Itachi will be down at your local record store this Tuesday from four 'til nine, just giving out hot dickings!"
Itachi's eyebrows rapidly twitched, deep breaths becoming hastier and hurried as the child tried to quell his anger.
"Just passing 'em out!"
The onyx haired Uchiha banged his head against the table, once, twice, a frustrated growl erupting from his throat.
"Hot!"
He screamed, wooden furniture muffling his anger.
"Dickings!"
Itachi pulled his head up, eye sporadically twitching. "You make me mad!" he roared, brandishing a kunai, "You make me so angry!"
"Kirigakure dickings!"
"What the hell is wrong with you!?" he seethed, digging his hands into ebony strands of hair as he tried to block out the noise, "Hickory-smoked..?!—You're so crazy!"
"Patriotic." The voice stated simply. So that's what was wrong with him. He…it…whatever…is patriotic. Typical.
"Cowboy hat!"
"That's exactly it! 'Cowboy hat'! What does that have to do with…" Itachi trailed off, looking up to see a rim of a ten-gallon hat…a ten-gallon hat that wasn't there before. He shrieked.
"Take one for the team!"
"Shut up! I hope you burn in hell!"
"Oh my god! Look at that fat cock!"
A rooster clucked, scratching and pecking at the hardwood floors of the Uchiha mansion. Itachi blinked, almost feeling that he could cut the unease flowing through the air with his pinky finger. (Almost, because any other feeling than hate is weak. Duh.)
Within a second the bird was disemboweled, pink intestines oozing out onto the floor as well as the ever-present blood. Itachi grabbed another kunai, throwing an intimidating glare towards the front of the room.
A few days later, the front of the room committed suicide. Itachi just seems to have that effect on things.
"Sorry doctor," The Voice of Eternal Pain started, "That was fucked up."
"Now you pay attention to me!" He threw his arms up in fake relief. "So…as I have said , I'm not a doct—"
"This summer, fill up some time with Kirigakure's #1 commodity!"
"I'm not a commodity!" Itachi seethed, pulling up the collar of his shirt so it would cover his mouth. He didn't seem to notice the barcode on it.
"He's different…"
"You are going to get kidnapped, and put in a sack with your family," Itachi stated, devious smirk tilting the corners of his mouth up. Crimson flitted across his eyes, momentarily replacing the black that was so common. "And you are going to be dropped in the deepest ocean." He sighed happily with his fortune, hiding a bag behind his back.
"He's entertaining!" It was like the voice would die for his job. How stupidly loyal.
"Now I have enough hate," Itachi quietly whispered to himself, "I will kill all in my way…"
"He's for sale!"
"First goes father…I never really did like him…then aunty…she was always too nice to Sasuke for my likings…"
"Be distracted."
Itachi blinked. What the hell happened to his chair, anyways?
"Here comes the action!"
Itachi shrugged, before picking up a scroll, eyes dully scanning its contents. He looked up, an quizzical look in his eye.
"Here comes the honor!"
"Hmm…"
"Here comes the duty!"
"…I wonder…"
"Here's comes Dr. Itachi! Starring…"
"…Do we have any broken lawn chairs..?"
"Dr. Itachi!"
Rated X for graphic sexual content. This preview is not intended as medical advice.
From the twisted mind of theinsane, whom wishes for reviews.