Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer likes Jessica better than I do... obviously...
"I'm sorry, Jessica, I'm just not interested," Edward Cullen said, looking at me in the eye. Those gorgeous eyes…
Those are the words he said to me. It broke my heart…
It was a Wednesday, and a rainy one at that. Not that it matters… It rains all the time in this stupid town. It's not like Florida… God, I hate Forks!
Edward Cullen, the most gorgeous thing ever, had just said he wasn't interested in me. WHAT?! OUTRAGEOUS!! Every guy at Forks High wants a piece of Jessica-Pie!! Does Edward not eat, or something?!
But who cares about him?! It's not like he's that good looking… I'm lying. He is a GOD. I could so melt all over him. He's like the models in the Polo Cologne commercials.
And it drives me CRAZY. Off the walls. Into SPACE!! Over my head. I want him. I want him like a big, juicy, steak.
Because I practically starved myself to fit into this top. I can't even call it a shirt. It's like, patent leather, and zippers. I do have to admit, I did get that cute Mike boy to notice… He's not all that bad. And mortal looking, too.
But Edward Cullen!! Who can compare?! I mean, he's just indescribable!! His whole family!! Did, like, Mrs. Cullen go through the adoption agency looking for the hottest kids, or something?! Like, I'd so have done that if I liked kids… But I'll never have a kid. I'll get too fat and my hubby will divorce me…
I know I seem kind of shallow, but I'm in the "Boy-Mood". You know—where all you think about is shopping and men!! Like Edward Cullen… Boy, I can't get off him!!
I mean, if you saw Edward Cullen too, you'd TOTALLY never stop. Ever. I could stare at him forever… Delish…
Maybe he thinks I'm self-centered. It's probably because I always have my mirror out… I'm not looking at my face; I'm looking at you sitting behind me, silly!! I just love seeing you look all moody and irritated!! It's so… sexual!!
But why don't you ever look at me? I'll sit next to you, staring at you, and all you do is look at the board and take notes. Maybe it's that creepy 'doctors son' responsibility… You know what? I think you could use a night out dancing… Or you could take me to a restaurant, somewhere fancy, like "Chile's"!! I bet I could get Mike Newton to take me there…
But I want EDWARD!! There is something so attractive about being secretive… Like an 'emo' boy, minus the tight jeans and the moody hair cut!! Edward's hair… I just want to touch it!! It's so HOTT!! It just makes ME hott!!
Edward Cullen… Jessica Cullen… Isn't that cute?! Mr. Edward and Mrs. Jessica Cullen!! Ahh-dorable!! So, why won't he UNDERSTAND?! WE'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!!
Maybe I should calm down. It's just that irresistible Cullen kid… The only single one… Not that I wouldn't mind getting a big bite of that Emmett guy, he's pretty beefy… But that Rosalie chick, she'd kick my ass. She's a bimbo. Wait, who am I trying to kid? She's gorgeous too.
Why, oh why? Why was I born without a chance at the most beautiful creature in the world?
WHY GOD, WHY?!
Hey, who is that Bella Swan chick?
Haha!! I really wanted to do a stupid Jessica oneshot. My friend Katrina wanted me to do something funny, and since I really hate Jessica, I wanted to lower her appeal. Just kidding!! I'm not that manipulative. The whole point of this was to try and break this really bad writers block... I'd been playing around with some HP oneshots, but I couldn't find anything really that funny... So, I made this!! This is dedicated to Katrina, my "lover"... No, not like that, I like Edward too much.
Much, Isabelle Evans.