Disclaimer: I do not own the tv show Haven or the characters. I am not profitting from this story!
Author's Note: This is my first public fanfic. Please rate honestly but also be gentle. Being new to this makes me extra sensitive.
Summary: Set at the end of "Audrey Parker's Day Off" - Audrey comes to terms with some new feelings she's discovered after her worst day off. SPOILERS from Season 2, Episode 6 and a lot of important stuff from all of the episodes before then!
Audrey stood on the deck with her back against the Grey Gull, searching the water desperately for some kind of proof that the realizations she just had were not solely figments of her imagination. Audrey was almost starting to get used to having revelations about herself; within the past day (or five days, as it was to her), she'd had many.
One of the first real revelations Audrey recalled having was when she found out that she may in fact be someone named Lucy, and that none of her memories were actually her own. She wasn't particularly happy about that one, but it wasn't in her nature to dismiss the incident as having some logical explanation, as Nathan seemed to want to do. Audrey was fully aware by now that there were supernatural events surrounding Haven, and her own past was obviously linked to this place. Surely she'd wanted answers, but unfortunately she'd gotten some she hadn't expected.
After the events of her very long and excruciating day, Audrey had made some more discoveries about herself. Her first discovery of the "day" was that aside from Nathan, she also had a close friendship with Duke. Granted, this was very different from her friendship with Nathan, and she knew she couldn't trust Duke as well as she could Nathan, but they were friends nonetheless. Watching him die had made her sure of this. She knew it were true before that had happened, really, having never had any friends to speak of growing up. Of course, none of her memories of having no friends were apparently real anyway, but still.
Audrey had grown to care about Duke, to at least trust him somewhat, as he had saved her life a few times by now. He may have had his secrets and mysterious motives, but there was obviously good in him, which Nathan had always tried to deny. It was obvious to her already that Nathan secretly cared about Duke too, in his own way. Especially after the incident with Helena. It was simply made all the more obvious when Duke was dying, what with the pained look on Nathan's face and regret in his eyes as he tried to find some words to say to maybe forgive Duke for everything he'd ever done to him, or apologize for being so hard towards him, or perhaps to admit that they'd almost become friends again since Audrey came into their lives. The next "day," after Audrey realized that Duke was still alright, she gave him such an unexpected and heartfelt hug, Duke couldn't help but wonder what the hell had come over her, that is, until he saw Chris Brody and any thought he had of anyone but Chris was wiped clean from his brain.
Her second discovery came about in the moments she had held Nathan in her arms as he died. After she heard the crash, she was almost relieved for a split second when she saw Nathan standing up, trying to say he was okay. He'd wanted to tell her that it was okay, and that she'd saved him by telling him everything that could happen in advance so he'd been prepared enough to avoid it. They'd each saved each other a few times before. The first time, Audrey recalled, being about a minute after entering Haven as an FBI agent, when she almost drove her rental car off a cliff. As it teetered on the edge, Nathan had pulled her out of the car just before it fell. The irony of the situation was not lost on Audrey. The man who she knew now to be at fault, had almost killed her by accident, and probably would have if his son had not been there to save her. As a result, she eventually became partners with Nathan and he became her first true friend.
The split second of relief died instantly when Nathan turned to face her. She knew Nathan couldn't feel it, and he hadn't yet noticed the chunk of splintered wood from the road block sign sticking out from his side. Nathan was clearly not okay, and this fact was known to Audrey before it was to him. Immediately, Audrey was struck with a horrible thought; Nathan-her boss, her partner, her friend-could die. Even though Nathan had managed to avoid getting hit full-on by the car, he was still possibly fatally injured. She had seen Nathan get shot in the shoulder, take a flame to his own arm, and endure several nails to his upper back, but this injury took the cake on scaring her to death. Audrey didn't even notice as she cut her hand open on her way rushing to Nathan's side.
Audrey helped Nathan lay himself down gently on the ground and held his head up. The first thing that came out of his mouth after realizing he was dying was a description of the vehicle and the driver that had nearly hit him. Even at a time like this, his first thought was to be a good cop. In her grief and terror, Audrey could not yet manage to speak. The second thing Nathan said was, "This is kinda strange." Audrey noted it sounded like something someone delirious would say while they were dying. Panic set in, and she found herself firmly telling him that she wouldn't let him die, as if her words and determination would prevent the damage his body had suffered from doing him any harm. As soon as the words left her lips, she realized it wasn't really a promise she could keep at this point, unless the day were to start over. There was nothing Audrey wanted more at that moment than the day to start over.
"I'm gonna fix this," she said, trying to convince Nathan and herself that it would, indeed, start over. "It doesn't hurt," Nathan had managed to say. He looked as though he was accepting that he was about to die, which scared Audrey the most. "The only thing I feel is you." And then he was gone. Suddenly, regret flooded through her along with the deep grief she was already feeling. She'd known he'd been able to feel her, and only her, and all she ever gave him was an occasional touch on the hand. Now he was dead, and it had felt like a part of her had died along with him. He was the best friend she ever had. He died feeling her touch, which was his only comfort. Audrey didn't find it comforting that it was probably the most he'd ever felt from her. She felt somehow selfish for not giving him more of that comfort while he was still alive. He'd saved her several times, after all, and he was the most trustworthy and loyal partner and friend she could have ever asked for. Why had she been so reluctant to give him the comfort of feeling? The memory of her flicking his ear earlier that day briefly surfaced, and it made her want to cry harder.
And then the day started over. Or at least that's what she assumed when she awoke from Chris kissing her in her bed while the clock read 7:34 am again. The relief was immense, but she would feel way more relieved when she could see for herself that Nathan was okay. The realization that her hand was still cut open was a bit unsettling. So she retained her injuries but no one else did? What would happen if she died, since she's the only one who seems to be aware of what's going on? Would the day just loop forever and ever without anyone knowing it? Would they know what happened to her? It was frightening to think about.
Audrey had managed to save Duke from dying again by forcing him to stay at the Grey Gull all day. He seemed a lot happier doing it with Chris around. She knew Chris didn't enjoy hanging out with Duke all day when he'd planned a romantic day for them and she had no way of explaining what was going on or why it was so important, but she'd done it the day before (or the same day, sorta) and it seemed to work out. She would have to force Nathan to stay at the station this time, too. And that's where he would be. She decided to go see him at the station and skip the stupid school career day presentation. Seeing Nathan and solving this thing was far more important to her right now than making some children and the school board happy. Not to mention her involving him in helping led to him dying in the first place, and that was something she wasn't ready to forgive herself for.
She rushed through the doors into the hallway of the Haven Police Station, stopping dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner. Nathan was standing in front of the coffee machine, blowing gently into his mug. Here she was, filled with a dozen different simultaneous emotions, (happiness, relief, resurfacing sad memories, and a bizarre but powerful sensation of love swelling within her), and Nathan was completely unaware of anything out of the ordinary.
Upon seeing Audrey (she flashed him an uncharacteristically sheepish smile), Nathan remarked about her blowing off career day, not really thinking it was unusual since it seemed to him like Audrey would rather be doing real work at any moment of the day than something fun or relaxing. Audrey didn't immediately retort with some kind of sarcastic remark, which was bothersome. In fact, she was acting very unusual (well, unusual for Audrey). She just smiled and nodded and then looked like she was thinking about something that bothered her. He knew something was up.
He decided to use this opportunity to have Audrey test the temperature of his coffee for him, since he had no way of knowing whether it was too hot to drink or not. She willingly obliged. It was something she started doing for him a while ago. Nathan had, on many occasions, silently enjoyed the fact that they were sharing drinks, if only for friendly reasons. She made it clear that it was still too hot to drink yet, and then stared at him. He noticed Audrey had a wild expression on her face. She wouldn't stop looking at him, as if she were afraid he would disappear from the face of the earth if she looked away. From what he could tell, she looked worried, and she really needed to talk to him about something. He was right.
Audrey knew Nathan wouldn't like being told to stay at the Station after everything she had to say. He was really worried about her, and he definitely didn't want to feel like he couldn't help. He wanted to be able to protect her. And she'd obviously been through a lot already. He could see that the events she saw took somewhat of a toll on her. He wondered if him dying affected her more than Duke dying. Nathan became especially worried after finding out that she was still injured from the "previous" day. If she were to die...Well, that was something Nathan definitely didn't want to think about. He'd apparently already died. But at least the day had repeated again that time, and he didn't remember it. He was a little bit afraid he may have revealed his feelings for her as he was dying and she just hadn't mentioned it yet. She didn't exactly give him all the details, for which he was thankful, but awfully curious. He thought to himself that he would willingly die again if it meant making sure Audrey were safe while she figured out how to end this thing.
Nathan tried to protest, but Audrey wasn't willing to budge. "I've already seen you die once!" she said. She hoped she was getting her "desperate" across well enough to affect him. She thought back to how she'd felt when Nathan died. Immediately, she reached out to grab his hand. He flinched, seemingly surprised by the unexpected sensation, as he had when she first discovered that he could feel her touch. His reaction to her touch was actually the reason she had figured it out. Nathan seemed entranced by the moment. Maybe his silence after her pleading was a result of his understanding, or perhaps just speechlessness brought on by the physical contact.
Nathan nodded in acceptance, reluctantly. The last thing he wanted to do was let Audrey go downtown alone, knowing well she could die and it wouldn't just start over for her like it had with him and Duke and the child. But he could see in Audrey's eyes that she was serious, and made it clear that she didn't want to go through him dying again. It must have been pretty bad, he thought. He felt sorry for her, that she had to endure these experiences alone, but at the same time he felt a twinge of hope that her desperation had something to do with deeper feelings for him. Then again, who was he kidding? He wouldn't want to watch a close friend die twice either. And that's all he was to her. She'd never shown otherwise. Audrey turned around and left the room. Nathan looked down at his left hand, where she had touched him, and sighed. He wished he could feel her hand there again, but all he felt was the ghost of a recent memory. He recalled the warmth her hand had given off, the softness of her skin, the gentle nature of her touch, and the way she squeezed his hand firmly to illustrate her sincerity.
After helping Anson Shumway across the street, Audrey thought she might have figured everything out. She was just telling Nathan so on the phone when she heard the tires squeal and turned to face a car driving right towards her with no indication of slowing down. She almost had time for her life to flash before her eyes, which she noted wasn't even her life anyway, before Chris appeared and pushed her out of the way, leaving himself in the way instead. Chris had shown up downtown before she'd seen Anson, but she thought she'd ushered him away in time. He apparently hadn't left yet. Audrey wondered what happened differently at the Grey Gull that made him leave this time and not the first time. It was the cut on her hand.
She recalled Duke dying being her fault because she forgot to sign her check. She'd unknowingly caused three of the people she loved to die. This time it was also because she was too scared to move. She completely forgot she had been on the phone with Nathan and ran to Chris's side. She'd never know it, and he'd never remember it, but that moment on the phone with her was the most scared he'd ever been in his whole life, along with the chameleon incident in which he also thought Audrey had died. Nathan had made her promise she'd be careful, because it's all he could do. In her moment of weakness, Audrey had broke that promise.
Audrey leaned over Chris's body. He wasn't responding, but he'd just saved her life. Audrey was just beginning to realize that since she arrived in Haven, she had been doing a lot of life saving, and not only had Duke and Nathan saved her before, but now Chris had saved her. Right now, though, in these last few "days" or whatever they had been, Audrey had done no saving whatsoever. She did just the opposite, actually. Was being close to her really that life-threatening? It seemed so at this point. She felt more responsible than ever. Audrey was grieving over Chris. She knew she cared about him, but she hadn't known him for very long. It wasn't nearly the same as when Nathan had died. She didn't feel like a part of her had died with him.
The more Audrey thought about it, the more she wondered why she'd slept with Chris in the first place. She only agreed to go on a date with him because she felt like she owed it to him after he helped with a case, and because she felt bad about what he'd been through recently. The first time she ever saw Chris, she told Nathan he seemed like a jerk. He treated her well so far, and he said it wasn't only because of her immunity to his trouble, but she wasn't so sure about that. She had been lonely for so long, and he was there and made his feelings known. She guessed that was part of it. Audrey told herself that she wasn't as distraught about Chris's death as she should be because she was so exhausted from the day being, well, several days, and having already witnessed two people very close to her die. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that she she was pretty sure the day was going to restart again. She really hoped it would, anyway. Luckily, it did.
Nathan was just as reluctant to stand idly by as the first time Audrey had asked him to do so. He was also just as confident in her, grabbing her by the shoulders when she seemed ready to become hysterical and doubt herself, looking her in the eyes and stating that she won't fail...Stating it as a fact. There was no way he could know if she would be successful for sure, but his unwavering dedication and faith in her was apparent. His worry for Audrey would later be tangible through the phone when he knew he couldn't be there to protect her. She was the most susceptible to actual death, and also the only one in the line of fire. He recalled what his father had said to him when Audrey was being held captive on Duke's boat. Nathan was ready to go "search the entire Atlantic ocean" for her to try to avoid his helplessness in the situation. But it would have been useless, so the Chief's advice was, "Pretend you're her father. You're going to sit by the radio and be ready to act. And suffer." He suffered then, and he had to do it again now, if only to prove to Audrey that he trusted her, because that's what partners do. She'd apparently avoided death a few times now, which was something.
Audrey wanted something she couldn't have: the ability to be able to save everyone, all the time. She devoted her life to helping people in any way that she could, whether that involved being an FBI agent, a police detective of supernatural occurrences, or just a friend. When the final pieces of the case puzzle came together and set the stage for Anson's death, Audrey didn't want to accept it. She hadn't done her job. As far as she was concerned, she had failed. There had to have been some way of fixing things without anyone dying, she was sure. A little girl's dad was killed, and it was her fault, just as it had been her fault when Duke had died, and then Nathan, and then Chris. The only time it wasn't her fault was the first time, with the little girl.
And there was Nathan, with Audrey on the deck of the Grey Gull, after this whole mess was finally over. He didn't remember seeing the dead little girl and holding Audrey back from the scene. He didn't remember watching Duke die. He didn't remember Audrey flicking him on the ear, or dying himself. He didn't remember her grabbing his hand, or his worried phone conversations with her before Chris had saved her. But he was still as understanding and gentle about what she had gone through as he had been every time. He always was.
Nathan tried to reassure Audrey that she'd done her best, and there was nothing else she could do. Anson knew what he had to do to save his daughter and get time moving in the proper direction. It wasn't Audrey's fault that he took the situation into his own hands. And there wasn't always a good answer to the troubles. There were going to be casualties, like it or not. It was lucky enough that either of them hadn't died yet.
Audrey choked out the words, "I failed," with all the self-loathing in her voice that she could muster after such a long day, allowing tears to make their way to the surface since she didn't have the energy to hold them back anymore. It wouldn't be the first time Nathan had seen her cry, they were so close, and she was hardly concerned about being embarrassed after what she'd been through. Unsure of what to do, only knowing that he wanted to restore some confidence in Audrey, Nathan slowly added, "You can never fail me." It was true to him, and he knew that it always would be.
In this moment, Audrey made another realization. It was nearly the same realization that she'd made after Nathan had said "the only thing I feel is you." She needed Nathan. He was the best thing in her life right now. And if she had to guess, she'd say he felt the same about her. Her guilt about not doing more for him returned, as it probably always would when he said something that made it apparent that he cared deeply for her. They stared at each other for what probably should have been an uncomfortably long silence, but it didn't feel that way to either of them. Chris Brody's job was to observe, and he was doing plenty of observing at that moment. Observing the way Nathan obviously loved Audrey, the way Audrey shared so much of her life with Nathan, and the way they were such great partners because they understood each other. It almost seemed like they were slowly moving closer and closer together.
Audrey was distant with Chris when he'd come to talk to her. She barely looked at him, and spoke very few words. Audrey had her reasons for this. One reason was that she understood that she was putting Chris in unnecessary danger by being involved with him. She was afraid of causing him any more trouble than she already had. Nathan and Duke were already deeply involved and that was their choice. There wasn't anything she could do for them, but she could try to push Chris away to keep him safe, and she knew he was avoiding an important work opportunity to spend time with her. Another reason was that Chris didn't understand her like Nathan did. She couldn't just tell him the truth about what had happened, so he wasn't as sensitive when talking to her and sounded almost self-centered at one point. After all that Audrey had been through that "day," she had to go through more pain in disappointing Chris. She was about to break down when Chris kissed her.
The kiss was genuine, full of concern and caring, but Audrey couldn't help but feel wrong. She'd gone to bed with Chris without so much as a second thought the previous night. But now, she felt guilty. Guilty because she couldn't help but think of Nathan. Guilty because she was pretty sure Nathan liked her and she'd hurt him. Guilty because she didn't necessarily care about Chris quite as much as he cared about her. Guilty because she felt like Nathan deserved that kiss a lot more, and he was just a few yards away.
When Audrey looked through the doorway of the Grey Gull at the three men sitting at the bar, she wasn't only seeing the three men she cared about most. She was seeing who they were to her. Their roles were made clear after she'd witnessed each of their deaths. She was disappointed in herself that it took them dying for her feelings to become fully realized.
Duke was her friend. A really good friend, and not entirely unlike a brother. He was nearly a romantic interest at one point, but that option dissolved itself a long while ago. He wasn't always the most enthusiastic to help, but he would help her if she needed it. And she'd really enjoyed his company. He was everything to her that Nathan couldn't be.
Chris was what she'd needed at one point in time. He was there when she couldn't stand to be alone, to tell her what she needed to hear but hadn't yet heard. And she cared about him, but she could feel him slipping away from her. He was the guide that helped show her what she needed to see about herself, and as an unintended side effect, about someone else.
Nathan was her best friend. But he was more than that, and he was more than her boss and partner as well. He was the one person in her life that she could count on, the one person she could trust. He was constantly supporting her, whether or not she needed it. And despite all he had to endure for Audrey, he loved her. Audrey was pretty sure of that now. And it made her guilt weigh on her all over again. Because she'd only just begun to realize that maybe, just maybe, she loved him back. The thought terrified her, made her feel vulnerable. Duke turned and looked at Audrey with friendly concern, and it was comforting to her. As Audrey looked over at Nathan, all the questions and worries she never knew she had came rushing into her mind, breaking through the protective flood gates she'd built. She realized she didn't know if she could look him in the eyes. Not now. She didn't want him to see what she might be showing on her face. Or maybe she didn't want to see him for fear of confirming what she'd begun to suspect.
And so there Audrey stood on the deck with her back against the Grey Gull, hiding from Nathan's gaze, searching the water desperately for some kind of confirmation that the last realization she had was indeed a realization and not just a fleeting feeling.
It wasn't.