He couldn't take it. Everyone had gotten him to calm down, yeah, but he was still worried. His father was coming to visit in a couple of days and Jeff knew that would only lead to more problems. On top of that, he still had to figure out how to fix everything he had broken that day. He didn't know if he would ever be able to. He knew he was lost, that he couldn't do this on his own. But for the first time in a very long time, he was starting to see that he didn't have to. That he had people in his life that could help him and who would catch him when he fell. Without their support he knew he'd probably be dead by now. He would have bled out a long time ago without them. He didn't know if he could ever make it up to them, but he was starting to think that they didn't do it to get something out of it. They did it because they actually cared about him. It was a comforting thought.
Of course, none of that changed the fact that he was still in the hospital and would likely be kept there for a long time. He didn't want to be there. Hospitals had never been good places for him. They reminded him of death. They were cold and sterile and heartless. He knew that when he did die he would not die in a hospital. He wanted to die somewhere he had loved, surrounded by the people he loved. Not in some hospital surrounded by random doctors who would never remember his face. This hospital was putting him on edge and he needed to get out. Silently he slipped the tubes and wires out of his arms and legs, carefully making sure he didn't set anything off as he slipped out of the bed and grabbed some clothes from the box Sebastian had brought him earlier. He didn't want to get to dressed up, he just wanted to be able to move. So he slipped on his signature neon pink board shorts and his grey zipper hoodie and grabbed his ipod and battery powered speakers before slipping out the door. He didn't bother with shoes. Where he was going they would just get in his had to be extra careful as he slipped passed other sleeping forms and sneaked around the hospital security so that he wouldn't be seen. He didn't want to be sent back to his room. Not yet at least. Not until he got out for awhile.
As soon as he was outside in the cool night air he took a deep breath and spun around, throwing his arms out and tilting his head back and smiling. He felt so much better now that he was out. He felt less confined and restricted. The hospital had been smothering. Grinning to himself, he took off running as fast as he could down the sidewalk. He hadn't bothered zipping his hoodie so it was flapping along behind him. He didn't mind, though. It was nice to air out his wounds. It stung a bit, but it was a good sting, a healing sting. His bare feet made a soft thumping rhythm only he could hear as they pounded on the pavement. He hadn't been running for too long before the pavement ran out and he jumped off, onto soft grass. A few minutes later that grass changed into dirt, then sand, and soon enough he was on the beach. Just where he wanted to be. He set his ipod and speakers down softly in the sand before letting out a shout, laughing as he spun around on the sand and did random stupid flips just because he could. He felt free and light for the first time in forever. He was going to rejoice for a few moments before doing what he came here to do.
After a few moments he calmed down, grabbing his ipod and bringing it as close to the shoreline as he dared before setting it up. He scrolled through his songs before finding the one he was looking for and pressing play before walking quietly into the waves to wait for it to start. The salt water stung the scars on his legs but he didn't let it get to him. He would dance. That was what he did, he danced. Besides, water healed. Maybe it would heal him. When the music began, his body began moving, getting used to the beach and the tide and learning how to adjust to move around the ever changing water.
Like a bird without wings who longs to be flying,
Like a motherless child, left lonely and crying.
Like a song without words,
Like a world without music,
I wouldn't know what to do I'd be lost without you
Watching over me.
He didn't try to do any major tricks yet. It wasn't the time for that. Now was the time when he just twirled a bit, testing out a few basic moves in the water. Now was when he got into the song, because this was him. He knew no one would ever see this, but this was him. He was lost and he didn't know what to do, but there were people in his life to help him. He didn't know what he'd do without them, but he knew he wouldn't be able to get through this. They were what was helping him to cope.
I get so lonely,
When you're away,
I count every moment,
I wait every day,
Until you're home again,
He brought his arms into himself as he moved around in the surf, trying not to make the water move to much. This wasn't about him disrupting what was already there, not now. He was still a stranger to this place, like he always felt like a stranger. Because he didn't know where to belong. He spread his arms out to turn around and leap up into the air deftly before landing lithely back in the water, barely rippling the surface as he wrapped his arms back around himself.
And hug me so tight.
That's when I know everything is alright.
He wasn't a stranger, though. No matter how much he thought of himself as one. He had people who cared about him. He couldn't help but think of the hours he had spent huddled in Quinn's arms as he cried, how much time she had given up just to comfort him. She made him see it, made him realize that he wasn't alone. Not really. She told him that it would all be alright and, for once, he believed it.
Like a bird without wings that longs to be flying,
Like a motherless child left lonely and crying,
That was him, wasn't it? He extended his arms as if to try to fly before crumpling back in on himself. Because no matter how much he tried, he couldn't. On his own he would never be able to make it and he knew it. He didn't even have his parents to fall back on. They didn't care. That's why he had always felt so alone, like he was lost. Because he had no one, no family to help guide him.
Like a song without words,
Like a world without music,
I wouldn't know what to do I'd be lost without you
Watching over me.
He went into a series of simple spins, not wanting to be flashy or showy. This wasn't about that. This was just for the people who he needed, who he owed so much to. Sebastian, Hailey, Quinn, he needed all of them. He really would be lost without them. They were the ones who were able to bring him back to himself whenever he got lost in his thoughts. They were the ones he never had to explain himself to. They were just there for him, watching over him and catching him whenever he fell. He needed them all.
You're my guardian angel,
My light and my guide.
You're hand on my shoulder,
And you by my side.
Of course, there was one boy he wanted to add to that list. But at the same time, he didn't. He didn't feel the same way about him. He loved him, but not like he loved Seb or Quinn. He didn't feel like he was family. He was in love with Nick. He really was his guardian angel. He was always there watching him, but he felt like he never really saw him. He was the one that made Jeff want to be better so that maybe, just maybe, he'd deserve him. He loved those moments when they were just hanging out watching movies or having a sword fight. When Nick was by his side, he felt like he could do anything. Jeff extended one arm, then the other and dragged them across his chest before lifting one leg to swing over and turn him around so he was facing the other way.
You make everything beautiful,
You make me complete.
He definitely had it bad. He couldn't imagine what it would be like if he didn't have Nick, but he was terrified that he would have to. He had screwed up. He didn't think Nick knew exactly how much power he was holding over Jeff, but he knew. One wrong word from the other boy could have Jeff's entire world shattering around him like the mirror.
Everything in my world I lay at your feet.
He brought one arm up and used it to leap up, spinning in the air and landing on one foot before spinning down and crumpling in on himself in the water, letting the waves wash over him.
Like a church with no steeple,
Where a bell never rings.
Like a town without people,
Where no voice in the choir ever sings.
If a boat on the ocean would be lost with no sail,
He just wanted to stay like that for a little while. He let the waves wash over him, breathing whenever his face broke surface. It was often enough that it wasn't an issue. The salt stung all of his wounds, bringing a few tears to his eyes, but he didn't care. It was washing him clean, making him ready to put together the pieces of his life. He'd grown up going to church every Sunday, hearing about this forgiving God while being taught about everything He hated. Maybe it was the people who were wrong, not God. Maybe it was the people who judged and hated, but God forgives. Maybe Jeff wasn't as alone as he thought. He had people who loved him. But he wasn't fooling himself. If he didn't have them, he'd have nothing. But he did have them, and the realization was so freeing.
Then without your devotion,
Surely all that I dreamed of would fail.
Jeff couldn't help but make a flashy show of leaping up and going into spin after spin, flipping back onto his hands before pushing up on the sand and projecting himself into the air, spinning before he landed. He just had to dance, to do something amazing. Because he could. He had the support he needed, he could get through this. Just the thought made him happier than he had been in ages. As the music took over he spun and flipped around in the surf, playing with the water and flicking it everywhere just like a child might. It was all just magical and he never wanted it to end.
Like a song without words,
Like a world without music,
I wouldn't know what to do I'd be lost without you
Watching over me.
He'd be lost without them, he knew, but that didn't matter right then. He had them. He had everyone he needed watching over him. There was just one more that he wanted, and he knew there had to be some way to fix what he had with him. There had to be a way, and Jeff would find it. Because he loved Nick and he would take him however he could get him. He just felt so free like this, knowing that he could take control of his life and fix everything he had broken. He just had to spin around, flicking water everywhere before stopping and laughing, just staring up at the moon as he mouthed the closing words.
I wouldn't know what to do I'd be lost without you
Watching over me.