Italics = singing
ELAYNE: Morning, Thom!
THOM: Hi, Elayne.
ELAYNE: How's life?
THOM: Disappointing!
ELAYNE: What's the matter?
THOM: For two thousand pages I've been in Ebou Dar.
ELAYNE: Oh, I'm sorry!
THOM: Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm stuck with Mat and Juilin, and I always thought -
ELAYNE: What?
THOM: No, it sounds stupid.
ELAYNE: Aww, come on!
THOM: When I was little,
I thought I would be...
ELAYNE: What?
THOM: A court-bard
For Andoran royalty.
But your mom got mad,
And as you can see,
I'm not.
ELAYNE: Nope!
THOM: Oh well,
It sucks to be me.
ELAYNE: Nooo.
THOM: It sucks to be me.
ELAYNE: No!
THOM: It sucks to be in a circus,
Limping,
And turning seventy.
It sucks to be me.
ELAYNE: Oh, you think your life sucks?
THOM: I think so.
ELAYNE: Your problems aren't so bad.
I'm quite attractive,
And going to be queen.
THOM: You are.
ELAYNE: Thanks!
I've got a boyfriend,
Who's a sex machine,
And my sister and I
We share him between.
So why won't he
Marry me?
Fuck!
It sucks to be me!
THOM: Me too.
ELAYNE: It sucks to be me.
THOM: It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Thom...
ELAYNE: And Elayne...
THOM: To put up with Luca!
ELAYNE: To be a real pain!
BOTH: It sucks to be me.
Galad and Gawyn enter, arguing.
THOM: Hey, Gawyn, Galad, can you settle something for us? Do you have a second?
GAWYN: Ah, certainly.
ELAYNE: Whose life sucks more? Thom's or mine?
Galad and Gawyn exchange glances.
GALAD and GAWYN: Ours!
GAWYN: We're quite chummy.
GALAD: We're as close as
Brothers can get.
GAWYN: But when he joined
The Children...
GALAD: I made him very upset.
GAWYN: And now we both
Have done things
We really regret.
Our mother got killed
By Rand al'Thor.
GALAD: Books about us
Are written by TOR.
GAWYN: I stuck with Elaida.
I'm such a dummy.
GALAD: And you're jealous of me
'Cause you're not as yummy.
GAWYN: You and your
Righteousness
Make life a hell!
GALAD: And you're an asshole!
You jerk! You troll!
GAWYN: It sucks to be me!
GALAD: No, it sucks to be me!
ELAYNE: It sucks to be me!
THOM: It sucks to be me!
ALL: Is there anybody here
It doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!
RAND: Why are you all so happy?
GALAD: Because our lives suck!
RAND: Your lives suck? Am I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I am the Dragon Reborn.
My life is filled with doom.
I'll defeat Shai'tan,
But lately I am
In a gloom.
I found out that my
Mom was Tigraine.
The Prophecies
Give me a migraine.
My uncle's out to kill me!
(Smacking Gawyn)
No one listens to me...
I rule in Illian and Tear,
But when I die
Everyone will cheer!
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be me!
I say it
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
Sucks!
It sucks to be me.
Perrin enters.
PERRIN: Excuse me?
THOM: Hey there.
PERRIN: Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for my wife.
RAND: Why are you looking all the way out here?
PERRIN: Well, I started in Ghealdan, but so far I haven't found anything. But Ebou Dar looks quite promising. Oh, hey, look, a "Shaido this way" sign!
THOM: You need to talk to the author. Let me get him.
PERRIN: Great, thanks!
THOM: Yo, RJ!
ROBERT JORDAN: I'm coming! I'm coming!
Robert Jordan appears, dramatically, on the fire escape.
PERRIN: By the Light! It's Robert Jordan!
ROBERT JORDAN: Yes, I am!
I'm Robert Jordan,
The author of
"The Wheel of Time."
If I killed off Faile,
It wouldn't be a crime!
I'm quite sick
Of grumbling fans
Who think I am slime!
But I'm here -
The author
Of "The Wheel of Time."
ALL: It sucks to be you!
ELAYNE: You win!
ALL: It sucks to be you!
THOM: I feel better now!
ROBERT JORDAN: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "Who killed Asmodean?" It gets old.
ALL: It sucks to be you
In "The Wheel of Time."
Sucks to be me
In "The Wheel of Time."
Sucks to be you
In "The Wheel of Time."
Sucks to be us,
But not when
We're together.
We're together
In "The Wheel of Time."
We're in "The Wheel of Time."
If he killed off Faile,
It wouldn't be a crime!
In "The Wheel of Time."
PERRIN: Forget Faile!
ALL: In "The Wheel of Time."
GALAD: Who did kill Asmodean?
ALL: In "The Wheel of Time."
ROBERT JORDAN: Just wait for "Knife of Dreams!"
ALL: In "The Wheel of Time."