The 5th Hokage rounded the corner of the building, her heeled shoes echoing in the abandoned hallway; the desolate noise only reiterated the fact that she was painfully alone.
This is what she had wanted, of course.
Tsunade had decided that while she left the decoding of Jiraiya's final message in the talented hands of Shikamaru, she would relocate herself to a more private space and collect her thoughts and emotions before being confronted with the revelation of her old comrade's last words.
Naruto's outburst had only worsened her emotional state.
She knew his accusation only affected her so deeply because he was right.
She had known better then to let Jiraiya face his old apprentice alone. But she had also known that though she outranked him in authority, he had been through much of the same she had, and possessed the wisdom and knowledge- not to mention talent- that she did.
He met every requirement for the position of Hokage; if it weren't for him giving up the position in the first place, he would have been sitting at that desk instead of her.
And so she had no right to hold him back.
"That old fool." Her voice was gruff, veiled with a tinge of anger. It was only present to keep the grief from slipping through.
She somehow found herself at the top of the Hokage building, standing at the edge of the balcony.
The weather was overcast; grey somber clouds surged against each other as a lofty wind swirled and dipped, meeting the loose blonde locks framing Tsunade's deceivingly young face and sending them whipping back past her ears.
The scent hit her then; something akin to the combination of strong pine wafting from the surrounding forest and the damp threat of rain. It triggered something, deep within her memory, and though a part of her knew it would hurt and wanted to resist, her heart urged the fragments of flitting past scenes forward, coaxing them to piece together and play out once again within her mind…
xXx
She gasped heavily, choking on her own tears, her head bowed in her arms as she leaned heavily on the banister of the balcony overlooking all of Konoha.
"…Tsunade?" The voice was quite, almost hesitant.
Quickly, as to try and save a bit of her dignity, Tsunade discreetly wiped her face against one of her forearms before bringing her face up to meet her visitor.
A cold blast of wind hit her, causing her cheeks to freeze in such a way that she could feel the outlines of the tears she had just tried to erase.
She instantly sobered up, trying to ignore the fact that her damp face was more then likely discolored from sorrow and her eyes were bloodshot.
"Jiraiya." She greeted, noting the trouble she had in keeping her voice steady enough to utter those three simple syllables.
"Hey… are you okay?"
She could tell he instantly regretted that question, and his eye twitched slightly as he mentally berated himself for asking such a stupid thing.
But she had neither the energy or will to snap at him and put on a tough front like she usually would. All she offered was a halfhearted "I'm fine." Followed by a pathetic sniff.
He noted the lack of her usual fire instantly.
"I… heard about Dan. Tsunade, you don't have to—"
"Look Jiraiya." She snapped, grateful she was able to harness the usual edge in her voice this time. "I don't need to you try and cheer me up, alright? All I want right now is to be left alone!"
But oh god, if he only knew how much she feared that very thing.
Tsunade quickly turned away, hoping he wouldn't catch a glimpse of the lie in her eyes.
It was silent for a long while. Tsunade almost believed that he had finally left as quietly as he had come. Loneliness began to swell in her chest at the thought.
The chilling wind was broken from behind; something was shielding her from it.
A large hand found its way onto her shoulder. She spared a glance to it, recognizing Jiraiya's unkept nails. She contemplated brushing it off, but the warmth seeping into her clothes and soaking into her skin bid her otherwise.
"Tsunade." His voice was gentle, soothing, as he whispered near her ear. "You can't pretend it doesn't hurt. Let it out."
And show weakness? She was just as much a shinobi as he, and she had never seen him cry!
She pushed him back, away from her, and backed herself up flush against the railing.
"The only thing I need to let out is anger!"
Anger at not being able to help Dan. Anger at being so useless, to both he and Nawaki.
Jiraiya lowered his eyes to the ground between them, before raising them to meet her tawny eyes in determination.
"Then go ahead." His words were soft as he lifted his arms somewhat in a gesture of complacency. "Whatever will help you Tsunade."
He was offering his own body as a punching bag for her to drain her emotions? He was willing to take the punishment for her short-comings?
Why?
It wasn't like she had never gotten a few good punches on him in the past- but those he deserved.
He had nothing to do with this.
He sighed at her hesitation, and lowered his arms back to his sides.
"Geez Tsunade. You never gave up an opportunity like that before. Maybe I'm finally—" Getting somewhere? No, no. He should keep comments like that to himself. She had just lost a lover- someone important to her. This wasn't the time for that. Despite his instant want to replace that important role, he realized this wasn't about him, and it was a strain to keep his own emotions out of the equation.
"Maybe you're finally what?" She challenged, her eyes daring him to say it.
Silent, he gave a helpless shrug.
"Maybe what?"
His eyes met hers, his face completely calm and serious.
"Maybe I'm finally beginning to understand you, Tsunade."
That was a blatant lie. He knew he would never understand that woman.
"Tch." Was her response. "Why would you want to?"
She turned away from him, her eyes scowering the dark clouds above them.
He took the opportunity to step up beside her, leaning forward against the railing, his eyes tracing the riddled grey sky as well.
"Everyone around me ends up dieing." She continued. "If you were smart, you'de be running for the hills."
"Peh." He scoffed. "If I were smart, I would have figured out a way to get you to marry me by now." He looked down at her with a smirk.
"Well then." She countered. "I'd say the only thing you've accomplished here is officially labeling yourself a dumbass."
"Haha! No argument there."
He caught a brief glance of a smile on her face before she turned to look down at the city. It was small- a slight quirk of the lips, really. But it was there. And he had put it there.
"Look, Tsunade." His face became serious as the two watched the crowds in the streets of the village below them thin out in preparation for rain. "People die. It's part of the life of a shinobi. You did everything you could for Nawaki- and Dan. Its not that you weren't good enough. It's not that you were lacking the skills it took to save them. It's simply that it was their time. All you could do, really, was be there for Dan. Let him know you loved him, and that you'll miss him- that he didn't die in vain; he died protecting someone important- you. He needed to know he'll be in your thoughts; that you will never forget him. You gave him that. That's all any man needs."
A movement caught his eye, and he turned his head to see her hand covering her mouth, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as more salty tears found their way onto her soft face.
His face tensed in uncertainty as he reached out a hand, but stopped midair. He wanted to badly to comfort her- to just hold her and let her know she wasn't alone- that this wasn't the end. But he wasn't sure if he had the right-
He blinked, startled, as she willingly enclosed the space between them and pressed herself against him, her body folding with his, her hands clasping his garments, trying to pull him closer. He could hear her muffled sobs on his chest, and his heart ached at her anguish. It beat in rhythm with each surge of fresh tears that streaked her face and were embedded into his shirt.
How tormenting, he mused to himself. Here he was, getting soaked to the bone from a woman he would never have, by tears that would never be for him.
No. He corrected himself quickly. I would never want her to go through this for me- because of me.
He folded his arms around her in a comforting manner, and they stood like that for a good minute or two until the ground around them began to darken. It seemed the sky had tears of its own…
The white haired man started to back up slowly towards the door that led inside the building, pulling her gently with him. Her lurching breaths stopped for a second as she looked up at him with wet questioning eyes.
He gave her a soft smile. "It's starting to rain. We should get inside."
Her amber eyes looked around to confirm that it was, indeed, raining, and she allowed him to lead her inside.
After they had found a few conveniently discarded towels and began to dry themselves off as best they could, Jiraiya noticed Tsunade was staring out the window, blankly watching the rain slap against the glass.
She was no doubt caught up in her thoughts of Dan again. Hoping he had gotten his point across enough to at least offer the girl some comfort, and not wanting to disturb her any longer, he tossed his damp towel over his shoulder and began walking silently down the hall in the opposite direction.
"Jiraya…"
Her voice was laced with an emotion he couldn't place, and it enticed him enough to stop and turn around.
She was still staring out the window, but when she registered that the sound of footsteps had stopped, she turned to look at him.
"Arigato."
Her eyes shined sincerely with gratefulness.
He bowed his head in acknowledgment. "Any time, Tsunade."
The blonde medic lowered her head as she anticipated him leaving.
"As long as you promise me one thing."
Tsunade raised her eyes once again to meet his, which were glinting with a hint of a smile.
"I know it may seem like a stupid thought right now and all but… when my time comes… you have to promise me you won't shed a tear."
She couldn't help the small sound that escaped her at the strange request. It was something between a scoff and a gasp.
But he waited patiently for her response, and after all he had done she couldn't deny him one.
"Alright Jiraiya." Her voice rasped softly, still sore from grief- though she couldn't feel it as intensely as before. "I promise."
xXx
Tawny eyes watered as she recalled their small but meaningful meeting.
He had always been there for her- in any way possible.
And he had died protecting those he cared about.
He had died for the village that had nurtured and trained him.
He had died for his student, Naruto.
And he had died… for her.
But despite the fact that he had always been there for her, she couldn't forgive herself for not being there for him… not even at the end.
Like she had been for Nawaki. Like she had been for Dan.
"He needed to know he'll be in your thoughts; that you will never forget him. You gave him that. That's all any man needs."
Did Jiraiya know that? That she was thinking about him? That she grieved for him?
Her eyes were on the verge of overflowing; her breath hitched in her chest.
"Promise me you won't shed a tear."
Yes. He knew.
All along he had known that she would never realize how much she loved him… until he was gone. He knew she would never forget him.
But he hadn't wanted her to be hurt by his death.
He had never wanted to hurt her.
Blinking back the tears and forcing the salty liquid back beneath her lids, she breathed a small sigh up at the darkened sky.
"You old fool."
She said it as a fond remembrance.
"Of course I won't forget you."
Turning away from the balcony, she strode back to the door, and made it inside just as the first raindrops began to fall.